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Original poster

What would you think if your ex

145 replies

why100000 · 23/02/2019 19:49

If your ex, whom you weren’t on speaking terms with, but who regularly saw your kids, started doing the following - what would you think -

Leaving portions of food for you for when you got home from work (he comes to my house almost every day and cooks the dc their dinner - by the time I come home he has left) - he tells the kids to leave some food for me.

Dropping takeaway off for the dc at the weekend and there is (blatantly) enough for you as well.

Talking to one of your dc about you in general - what music you used to like, how you used to drink a lot of water (true) - stuff like that.

What would you think?

Clutching at straws I know

Bearing in mind it was a really difficult divorce.

OP posts:
Samind · 23/02/2019 21:24

Maybe it's because you're still in this silence and he's not there or the actual physical cause of it through abscence now.

PinaColada1 · 23/02/2019 21:25

I’ll be honest and you sound intimate with him still. You may not speak, but you let him into your home every day. Every day!

You won’t be able to even begin to start your life with anyone else this way.

He doesn’t sound like he’s being intrusive, but that’s the trouble, he’s part living with you! It would be weird for him not to leave meals for you, as it feels very intertwined.

I’d either accept that you are both still connected, and just live like that, or change child arrangements to make separate lives possible. They aren’t at present.

Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 21:26

Yes in some ways it feels like we are still together because it was silent and lonely in the last few years of the marriage as well Confused.

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Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 21:28

Yes @PinaColada1 - that must be what is doing my head in - it is confusing.

I am sure he thinks he is here for the dc and that’s it.

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Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 21:30

I guess I feel bad that he is living in an okay but not completely suitable property that he owns - not great. And my house, which used to be the family home, and which is where the dc live, is the stopgap until he has built his proper house.

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Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 21:33

You won’t be able to even begin to start your life with anyone else this way.

I used to think that I maybe wanted to meet someone else, but I have done a complete about turn on that and think that I really don’t. Ex however seems to have had no problem finding someone else within about two nanoseconds however. Don’t know if they are still together.

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Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 21:34

@lovemenot - I know what you mean.

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PinaColada1 · 23/02/2019 21:35

I am in a crazy position myself, DP refuses to move out. I know that until we are living in separate lives and homes that confusing and connected behaviour is inevitable. It’s not healthy. Sad

You are still being the anchor for him, that’s up to you but it will hold you back. Possibly you are having mixed feelings about moving on anyway.

HappyBumbleBee · 23/02/2019 21:37

Non-committal politeness - I could try, but the fear of rejection is very big
Why? You instigated the divorce, telling him in the only way you could possibly that enough was enough. YOU rejected his shit. YOU put your foot down and said enough is enough. YOU have done something that so many women don't find the strength to do.
You are SO much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for and you need start believing in yourself again.
How can he reject you if you don't let him - a simple nod from you of acknowledgement, or saying hello if you feel like it....you are hiding in your own home when he arrives and you shouldn't be. Carry on doing whatever you are doing. Try and break through that fear, push past that awful anxious feeling in your stomach and realise that out of the two of you, he is the one who should actually fear being rejected not you.
Sending you some virtual hugs xxx

Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 21:37

You won’t be able to even begin to start your life with anyone else this way.

Yes, hugely.

I am sorry you are going through this as well Pina - it’s really horrible.

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Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 21:39

Carry on doing whatever you are doing. Try and break through that fear, push past that awful anxious feeling in your stomach and realise that out of the two of you, he is the one who should actually fear being rejected not you.
Sending you some virtual hugs xxx

Thank you so much, for the advice and for the hugs.

Yes it was exactly that - enough is enough.

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Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 21:39

Yes it really is an anxious feeling in my stomach.

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Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 21:47

Oops - I meant to say that I really have mixed feelings about moving on @PinaColada1 - the thought makes me feel all kind of stratospheric levels of sad.

And ex moved on at the speed of light - why the difference between us?

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HappyBumbleBee · 23/02/2019 21:49

And ex moved on at the speed of light - why the difference between us?
I know this is in response to someone else but the simple answer is... Cos he's a shit and you're a lovely lady with morals xx

SandyY2K · 23/02/2019 21:51

I wouldn't want to get back with him. He doesn't sound like a nice man at all.

I think he wants to look good in front of your DC by doing those things tbh.

It's a pity he's still coming into your home. That must be hard.

Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 21:53

Flowers Happy

  • he said that too - ex did - before we had split up - I was asking him if he knew what he did (to me, emotionally) - and he said “yes, I’m a shit”
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Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 21:55

That must be hard. - it’s confusing or a headfuck (sorry), to put it a bit less elegantly.

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MotherOfDragonite · 23/02/2019 21:56

To be honest if an ex did that for me I'd worry that they thought I had an eating disorder or some kind of mental health problem.

Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 22:02

Mother Grin.

Ex is a bit of a feeder in general. This leaving food for me thing is a recent development since we got divorced however.

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ralphfromlordoftheflies · 23/02/2019 22:10

I would think 'get out of my house and look after your own children in your own space' and I would probably add an NB of 'you twat' and another NB of 'you will never change other than superficially'.

Don't get back with him, OP.

Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 22:12

I think what I find hardest is the realisation that I am divorced and that we really are no longer together.

Yet I am living my life still in reference to him - wondering what he thinks of the rooms I have decorated etc..

Then there’s the stark realisation that when he finally does set himself up properly, he probably won’t come here any more, and then I will be truly alone.

It’s prolonged pain followed by devastation.

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Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 22:14

I agree ralph that people rarely change.

I suppose I am kidding myself that the shock of the divorce may have had some effect on him.

I don’t think he wants to get back with me at all though - he is probably still with the woman he got together with immediately - as far as I know anyway.

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Smotheroffive · 23/02/2019 22:17

Please keep him out of your house; he's treating it like his home and its wholly inappropriate.

No-one should ever have to hide in their own house,this means he has to stay out.

Set your boundaries and stick to them. He wants to cook then the DC go to him for their food.

I suspect he's finished with old relationship and thinks your a food bet

Sorry I didn't RTFT, only some. Hope you're ok. You need to have your own space if you are to recover.

Smotheroffive · 23/02/2019 22:18

*you're a good bet (not a food bet!!!)

Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 22:23

food bet was quite good given the context Grin

Yes I completely agree that healing is much harder in these circumstances - and that hiding in my own house is weird. It’s to avoid feeling rubbish - my husband / ex husband is there right in front of me, but not to speak to me at all.

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