I'm nearly 38....he is in no rush for a baby. Stay or go?

[Gluestickonthefloor]

Hi Mumsnet. I need some sense taking please.

So bit of background. I am divorced and have two children already (8 and 6). All settled after the divorce. 2 years ago meet my dream man. He is 7 years younger than me. I'm worried about the age gap. He is a read gent and just shrugs it off. He loves me. He is fab with kids. Tells me he wants children with me in the short term. He plans to move in. Suddenly gets cold feet. Not that he doesnt love me: just a big step. Ok, I back off for a while, he warms up and moves in. As you would exect with any couple we have the occasional tiff. Nothing major and we love each other to bits.

Anyway....Im shortly turning 38. Now, he is certain he would like a child of his own. Its very important to him. I'd like another truth be told, I love being a mum - my kids are my world and I always wanted a bigger family. But I have made him aware that dragging his feet with me on this issue may mean we physically cannot have one if we don't crack on soon. But this is the problem: that is apparently putting pressure on which has caused some heated discussions recently, which he now says he wants the 'dust to settle' before we re open the issue. But its like chicken and egg: If I don't raise the issue we carry on in our (admittedly happy) bubble avoiding the issue - if I do, its 'pressure'. I feel like i'm stuck. And what will actually hapen is that I'll get to 40, not be able to concieve and we will break up anyway because having a child is so key to him.

Is he just finding a very nuanced way of playing with my head?

Im my head I keep setting mini 'deadlines' for us to actually make a firm decision about TTC. Those deadlines come and go. It was xmas, now its end of Feb. I feel like this is taking up waaaay too much headspace. Should I just call time? I dont want to throw away a lovely man and a great relationship but I cannot shake this voice in my head that my last chances are being wasted by a man who won't ever commit to this 100 per cent. Am I putting off the inevitable? I have tried to have very frank discussions with him - he shits me down saying im obsessing over the issue. But I hate living in this limbo land when Im getting older all the time.

Maybe he is right..Any advice or way to actually make headway with this v welcome x

He's waiting you out. And you have no time while he has allllll the time in the world. If children are something that you want, you'll probably have to leave and find someone else.

(And if he DOES want kids of his own but "not right now" he is also saying "not with you" because he does understand that the clock is ticking.)

so what should I do anonmoony? Just give him a date then after that, leave and stick to it. It breaks my heart but I stand to lose either way if I just do nothing

Thank you for the reply BTW

This is such a difficult one. It doesn’t sound like he’s messing with your head to me, just being honest.

Your desire to have another child, sounds stronger than your desire to stay with him.... trust your gut

See, the complicating factor is that, if I had never met him I would never have thought about more children post divorce. Now the seed of having a bigger family has been sewn I think about it a lot and find myself not throwing toys/books just because. I dont see how I can make him see the urgency without driving more of a wedge between us,

Do you want another child, or a child with him?

If you generally just want another child, you need to leave. He clearly isn't interested at the moment - which is fair enough, but you're on a limited timeframe.

If you specifically want a child with him (and bearing in mind there's no guarantee it would happen anyway), then stay and see how it goes. He might change his mind, he might not.

This was the other way round for me and DH, hes 10 years older older and wanted a child when we met and I just wasn't ready.
We waited and agreed some years after and am now 37 and have a FET pregnancy but also decided to keep some frozen for future if we agreed to have anymore

I dont really know whether its with him or not. If I stay, we leave it a few years and it cant happen, and he leaves what then? No chance of having a bigger family with someone else and on my own again (not that theres anything wrong with that - spent a few years happily alone but truth be told Im really enjoying being a team with someone).

I would say to him, if we are having a child together we will realistically have to ttc by x date. It is not pressuring him, it's just biology. If he isn't ready by x date, you need to make a decision whether to stay or go.

I'd say you are confusing the issues.

He knows biology. He is making his choice to take a risk.

You have a choice too, will you stay with him and risk not having another or will you leave and find someone (anyone) to have another with.

You can't future proof this. You can't make his decisions for him.

No point staying and wasting your (precious) time if you don't want the same things now.

If he really wants kids, and with you, now is the time. I've been struggling to get pregnant at 28... these things can take time.

If you leave there is also no guarantee of meeting someone who is ready to immediately have a child with you. What if it takes 2 years to meet someone else, you would want to get to know them.
Or the other option is having a child without a father being involved, not sure how you feel about options around that.
When you’re pushing him to make a decision, you can’t make him be ready now. If he want some kids but isn’t ready, then that’s the best he can give you in my opinion. If it then doesn’t happen, then it’s a bridge to cross.

I think you need to have a painfully honest discussion - not that you haven't tried. Tell him that time is running out for you to have children. So if having children is fundamental for him (or for you!), you either try from now, or break up.

It's a simple choice, really. He needs to understand that if he wants his first child when he is 40, he needs to move on. He can't have that with you.

His inaction is still a decision, though it is one you will probably need to take for him.

Yep - no guarantees Id meet anyone. But Im starting to resent him for wasting my time and feeling like this, although I want him to be honest with me and Its important that if we did go for it it is because he genuinely wants to not because of the pressure.

I have told him all the stats on fertiity and age and he just counters with 'yeah but there are loads of women having babies in their 40s' and 'im sure it wouldn't be a problem'..... which infuriates me because yes - it just ignores basic biology.

Your decision really is whether you want another child or not. Do you? I've always felt this pull of biology in a new/ish relationship to have a baby. Honestly - I just ignore it as some weird biological urge thing. But if having a third, regardless of father, is important to you ... then either ttc now or leave and use a sperm donor.

For him ... if he decides to split up 5/10 years down the line to start a family, what can you do? People split up over other things. You just don't want to be left with regrets that you didn't ttc til it was too late.

It's most likely that he has changed his mind, and is just putting off telling you in the hopes that by the time you really insist on trying it'll be too late.

I think you have to decide if you want the chance of more children or not.

If you split up with him, do you realistically think you would meet someone else and have children with them instead? Seems unlikely to happen given the window you have remaining to have a baby.

I honk the fact that you can’t talk to him about something so important without it getting heated is a bigger problem. It sounds like you’re someone he’s happy with for now, but he isn’t willing to make that commitment to you. Let’s be honest, he’s already living a ‘family life’, so it’s not like first time around, when having a baby takes away your chances of wild nights out and long childless holidays - if he’s not ready for a child yet, I wouldn’t hold my breath that he will be any time soon.

Most likely scenario, you spend the next two years trying not to talk about it or think about it, while your fertility wanes, then he meets someone else and immediately marries, has babies and grows the fuck up. You then fee resentful that not only have you not been able to have another child, but your chances of one with someone else are now very slim.

I know what you mean about only considering another one since you met him, but now that that particular box has been opened it’s difficult to put the lid back on. I know I couldn’t hang around, knowing he definitely wanted children, but all the while the chances of that happening with ME were dwindling. It’s just a break up waiting to happen. Even if he wasn’t sure he wanted kids I’d be wondering if he might change his mind in a few years and end up leaving. Sorry.

Bloody honk! Think FFS

Sorry just read the full thread and you answered that question.

In fairness to him, he'd be going straight from single man status to living as a family of five. Quite a big change.

RagingWhore. Sadly I think you are spot on. Reading that with tears rolling down cheeks. Because its hit a nerve as its true. My ex H met and had another child with someone v quickly and I guess Im just sensitive about it all. But I think now the lid is off the box, it is what I want. Fuck. Fuckity fuck.

Thanks for all the replies to me - very helpful

Could you get a fertility check? You'd probably have to go private for it, but it might be worth it to have the facts.

I do think the fact that he throws a strop (and his behaviour around moving in) are bad signs.

Since he's so certain about wanting a child of his own "someday", you have to be realistic that he'll outwait your fertility and then leave if this goes on.

The truth is, biologically he’s in a position to wait, you are not. He may well indeed want a child but it doesn’t sound like he’s that bothered about you being that child’s mother.

You don’t have to breakup but his dismissiveness over the facts about fertility would grate my goat.

It sounds like he future faked you to progress the relationship quicker.

IMO he knows that should things not work out with you, he is younger and could be a biological parent with someone else. He could be keeping them open and seeing how it goes.

Could you afford DC3 and be able to WoH should you have DC3 then become a single parent? Is marriage on the cards? Would it benefit you and your existing DC to have DC3?