Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

I'm nearly 38....he is in no rush for a baby. Stay or go?

105 replies

Gluestickonthefloor · 23/02/2019 14:05

Hi Mumsnet. I need some sense taking please.

So bit of background. I am divorced and have two children already (8 and 6). All settled after the divorce. 2 years ago meet my dream man. He is 7 years younger than me. I'm worried about the age gap. He is a read gent and just shrugs it off. He loves me. He is fab with kids. Tells me he wants children with me in the short term. He plans to move in. Suddenly gets cold feet. Not that he doesnt love me: just a big step. Ok, I back off for a while, he warms up and moves in. As you would exect with any couple we have the occasional tiff. Nothing major and we love each other to bits.

Anyway....Im shortly turning 38. Now, he is certain he would like a child of his own. Its very important to him. I'd like another truth be told, I love being a mum - my kids are my world and I always wanted a bigger family. But I have made him aware that dragging his feet with me on this issue may mean we physically cannot have one if we don't crack on soon. But this is the problem: that is apparently putting pressure on which has caused some heated discussions recently, which he now says he wants the 'dust to settle' before we re open the issue. But its like chicken and egg: If I don't raise the issue we carry on in our (admittedly happy) bubble avoiding the issue - if I do, its 'pressure'. I feel like i'm stuck. And what will actually hapen is that I'll get to 40, not be able to concieve and we will break up anyway because having a child is so key to him.

Is he just finding a very nuanced way of playing with my head?

Im my head I keep setting mini 'deadlines' for us to actually make a firm decision about TTC. Those deadlines come and go. It was xmas, now its end of Feb. I feel like this is taking up waaaay too much headspace. Should I just call time? I dont want to throw away a lovely man and a great relationship but I cannot shake this voice in my head that my last chances are being wasted by a man who won't ever commit to this 100 per cent. Am I putting off the inevitable? I have tried to have very frank discussions with him - he shits me down saying im obsessing over the issue. But I hate living in this limbo land when Im getting older all the time.

Maybe he is right..Any advice or way to actually make headway with this v welcome x

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 24/02/2019 13:28

OR you win because you take control of your own life and end the relationship

Original poster

Gluestickonthefloor · 24/02/2019 13:30

Aye AnotherEmma - that too :) Thank you. You'e all been kind and honest and I appreciate all the advice x

OP posts:

TheEndofIt · 24/02/2019 14:13

I think it's more of a concern that he is now back-tracking & dismissing your needs.

ittakes2 · 24/02/2019 15:01

You could freeze some of your eggs - or if he will agree freeze some embryos. Its a plus you have been pregnant twice before. fertility absolutely declines especially from 38 - but people do fall pregnant naturally in their 40s - I know one lady who fell pregnant naturally at 53.

TheEndofIt · 24/02/2019 15:16

Miscarriages are more likely too, sadly.

I got pregnant incredibly easily at 38-40 but had 2 m/c.

Fatted · 24/02/2019 15:23

I'll give you some perspective. Even though I had been with my DH a long time, I didn't even consider or want to have children until I was 30. It just wasn't even on my radar. If someone asked me if I wanted them then, I wouldn't be able to say either way.

Your DP is probably the same. In a very short time he's suddenly moved into this new ready made family and it can be a lot to take in. Some people are saying he's messing you around on purpose, but I don't believe so. He is allowed to change his mind. He may well have decided that the reality of family life means he doesn't want kids anymore or wants to wait a while.

Personally, as someone aged 39 with
DC aged 4 and 6, I think you are mad for considering having another. Physically and mentally, I would find going back to the baby days far too hard work now!

another20 · 24/02/2019 15:40

I would be looking at the bigger picture to determine how compatible you really are in the longer term. What are both of your other goals and aims, outside of having a child? What are both of your timescales for these - would a childhood (not just a baby) slot into these?

Loopytiles · 24/02/2019 15:42

Think you said weren’t bothered about DC3 until he suggested it. One option in that case would be to say no to ttc DC3, at all, or after age X. And ask him to think carefully about whether staying in the relationship is contingent upon having Dc or having DC at the time of his choosing, and let you know.

Data and information on maternal/paternal age and fertility etc is easily available if you or he want to look into it.

another20 · 24/02/2019 15:45

How does your BF socialise and at what stage of life are his friends? If they are all early 30’s, single or living a pacy, social child free life then I think your chances of changing his mind are limited. If HIS friends are settled with young children and he joins them willingly for toddler birthday parties, family picnics etc then he might not take too much persuasion

habibihabibi · 24/02/2019 15:53

To me it sounds you are trying to cement the relationship with a child which is always a recipe for disaster.
Just focus on you own kids not a baby who may or may not eventuate.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/02/2019 15:58

Of course he wants to wait until he's absolutely ready to have a child! Why wouldn't he? We each of us have the right to have children when we're ready and not before, regardless of what our partner thinks. The problem is, what if he's not ready until he's 35? Or 40? Or 50?

I think what you need to realize is that whilst, yes, he may want a child with you 'at some point', in the back of his head he also knows that he can bugger off and find a younger woman if down the line you've 'left it too late'. You have a biological 'deadline'. He does not.

It also may happen that by the time he's ready, you may very well have reached the point in your life where you no longer want to 'start over' again. I never thought I'd not feel 'broody', but it hit me at 40 that I didn't want another baby, that I was 'done' with newborns, nappies, and potty training. That I was enjoying the extra freedom I had as the mother of young school aged children. That I loved seeing my little (semi-) independent DC doing things 'on their own'.

I think it's time for a serious sit down, whether he likes it or not. It's time for one or both of you to fish or cut bait.

Snog · 24/02/2019 16:14

Ask him what would happen if you were unable to conceive. Would he then leave you rather than not have a biological child?

Original poster

Gluestickonthefloor · 24/02/2019 17:57

I asked snog- yes he would leave.

OP posts:

Amara123 · 24/02/2019 18:06

This guy isn't for you. You are both at different life stages and the timings don't work out, which is really hard.
You are really fortunate to have the two you have and I think focus on that and creating a good life for you and your family. I think having another with someone who is blowing hot and cold could leave you a single parent of three which would be really hard.

TearingUpMyHeart · 24/02/2019 18:07

In other words, he is not very committed and doesn't see you as the future mother.of his children. The clock is ticking. This will be hard to live with, knowing he will leave in 5-10 years.

TheEndofIt · 24/02/2019 18:08

Christ! OP, that's very cruel!

I think, unfortunately, he sees you as an option.

I don't think I could come back from that comment. It says everything you need to know.

importantkath · 24/02/2019 18:14

I am so sad for you, reading all of this.

I don't have any advice that hasn't already been said. I think you need to follow your gut instinct.

Snog · 24/02/2019 18:33

Harsh that he would leave if you fail to conceive yet is denying you that chance to conceive.

Because of this I would have to end it now as it's completely unfair and stressful on you, how will you ever conceive under that pressure?

My advice would be to end the relationship and take your chances finding someone better than this.

another20 · 24/02/2019 18:40

Wow he’s put you between a rock and a hard place. You can decide now not to put your young children through the trauma of their Mum being distracted, drained and preoccupied by this situation over the next key stage of their childhood.

He has shown you who he is. Prioritise a lovely, stable, fun, enjoyable, calm and peaceful home for your two children - not the disruption he is bringing to your home.

NotANotMan · 24/02/2019 18:49

So you have the sword of Damocles hanging over your head! Time to ditch the young guy tbh

Readersreader · 24/02/2019 18:52

If you had not met him the likelihood is you would not have another child

I think 'another child' is not the issue.

The issue is your relationship and when HE might want a child.

If you want to stay with him you need to accept you may not have a child. He too needs to accept that.

You could be happy BUT there is a strong chance in 5 years or more he will want his own child and you won't be able to provide one.

HE is the one who needs to do some soul searching.

The question is whether he is happy to be with you 'forever' and accept when he is ready for a child, you may be infertile. (You could be now anyway.)

Some men would be. They would be happy with the woman (and her children.)

There is no guarantee any couple can conceive, regardless of their age.

No one gets married having had fertility tests (well, not in normal life- maybe the heir to the throne does.)

They marry because they want to be together. A child would be a bonus.

That is the question he needs to answer BUT accept how he feels now may change .

How do you feel about putting this to him?

VelvetPineapple · 24/02/2019 19:02

Truthfully, if you leave him because you want a child then you’ve only got a couple of years to recover from the breakup, meet someone else and TTC. Which is very unlikely. You’ve probably got more chance of him changing his mind than of you meeting another potential father in time.

CheerioHunter · 24/02/2019 19:10

Just to chip in... If times such an issue then bare in mind the realities of splitting up with him...
You need to find someone...
Need to feel like he's "the one"
Hope they feel the same...
Wait till its appropriate for them to move in.
Hope they want to...
Approach the "shall we TTC"
Hope they agree or...
Wait for them to want to TTC...

You could easily be in the same, or even worse situation you're in now only 2 years older...

Good luck whatever you decide though

CheerioHunter · 24/02/2019 19:11

Good thinking velvet

NotANotMan · 24/02/2019 19:34

Definitely don't leave him because you want another baby with someone else.
Leave him because you don't know when he might decide he's ready to TTC and if you don't produce a baby he will leave you! He's holding a threat over your head. How could you possibly enjoy your relationship under those circumstances?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread