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Original poster

I'm nearly 38....he is in no rush for a baby. Stay or go?

105 replies

Gluestickonthefloor · 23/02/2019 14:05

Hi Mumsnet. I need some sense taking please.

So bit of background. I am divorced and have two children already (8 and 6). All settled after the divorce. 2 years ago meet my dream man. He is 7 years younger than me. I'm worried about the age gap. He is a read gent and just shrugs it off. He loves me. He is fab with kids. Tells me he wants children with me in the short term. He plans to move in. Suddenly gets cold feet. Not that he doesnt love me: just a big step. Ok, I back off for a while, he warms up and moves in. As you would exect with any couple we have the occasional tiff. Nothing major and we love each other to bits.

Anyway....Im shortly turning 38. Now, he is certain he would like a child of his own. Its very important to him. I'd like another truth be told, I love being a mum - my kids are my world and I always wanted a bigger family. But I have made him aware that dragging his feet with me on this issue may mean we physically cannot have one if we don't crack on soon. But this is the problem: that is apparently putting pressure on which has caused some heated discussions recently, which he now says he wants the 'dust to settle' before we re open the issue. But its like chicken and egg: If I don't raise the issue we carry on in our (admittedly happy) bubble avoiding the issue - if I do, its 'pressure'. I feel like i'm stuck. And what will actually hapen is that I'll get to 40, not be able to concieve and we will break up anyway because having a child is so key to him.

Is he just finding a very nuanced way of playing with my head?

Im my head I keep setting mini 'deadlines' for us to actually make a firm decision about TTC. Those deadlines come and go. It was xmas, now its end of Feb. I feel like this is taking up waaaay too much headspace. Should I just call time? I dont want to throw away a lovely man and a great relationship but I cannot shake this voice in my head that my last chances are being wasted by a man who won't ever commit to this 100 per cent. Am I putting off the inevitable? I have tried to have very frank discussions with him - he shits me down saying im obsessing over the issue. But I hate living in this limbo land when Im getting older all the time.

Maybe he is right..Any advice or way to actually make headway with this v welcome x

OP posts:
Original poster
Gluestickonthefloor · 23/02/2019 15:27

Loopy - well I have a FT job and own my own home so could manage But Ive a been a single parent for ages and Id rather not plan for that scenario. Of course there are benefits and downsides for my existing DC to have a sibling. They are lovely kids though so would most likel love a brother or sister. It of course makes things more complex when I could opt for simplicity and just end this.

OP posts:
Travisandthemonkey · 23/02/2019 15:38

If you didn’t think you wanted a child before you met him, then realistically will you want a child if you leave him now? And you’re on your own?
Are you more worried that he will suddenly wake up in 5 years desperately wanting a kid, and you won’t be the person able to give that too him? And are you worried that he will then just do what your ex did?

Because I think there are two separate issues going on here.

category12 · 23/02/2019 15:41

What if the ship has already sailed for you? If you were to start ttc tomorow and it never happened, do you think he'd stay with you?

Loopytiles · 23/02/2019 15:44

In your shoes I wouldn’t want to live with him with this not resolved because of the high risk of further disruption for my DC. Especially given his age and history of cold feet in your relationship.

Fertility, miscarriage and health risks for both you and the baby increase with maternal age too. You would be the one facing invasive treatment.

Loopytiles · 23/02/2019 15:47

I think the odds seem high, due to his age and actions so far, that either he will not ttc/commit and end the relationship in the next couple of tears, or ttc after that sort of time and leave should OP not be able to have DC3.

Original poster
Gluestickonthefloor · 23/02/2019 17:22

Thanks so much

Lots to think about

OP posts:
RagingWhoreBag · 23/02/2019 20:06

RagingWhore. Sadly I think you are spot on. Reading that with tears rolling down cheeks. Because its hit a nerve as its true

I’m sorry Flowers. I’ve just seen it so many times on here, as I’m sure you have, as well as you experiencing it first hand - that’s exavtly what you fear happening, and it’s not an unfounded fear.

Hope you are able to make a decision that works for you, even if that’s enjoying this relationship without any expectation for the future. X

MistressDeeCee · 24/02/2019 04:02

You are a placeholder.

Sooner or later he will be off when he finds a woman he wants to have DCs with

I think you know this really so at least you're not blind to reality.

Although relationship sounds good otherwise, this is too big an issue to compromise on. If you cannot be with him unless he wants a child with you and to TTC now, then it's fairer to split up.

Maybe you will go on to have a child eventually maybe you won't - but relying on a man who knows very well you want a child and are 2 years from 40, doesn't optimise your chances of being a mum again.

Weenurse · 24/02/2019 04:19

If you really want another child and he is not keen, tell him you will be going to sperm bank.
No reason to stop the relationship if you both don’t want too.
He may be happy to continue in relationship as long as he has no responsibilities with regards to the children. He may choose to leave. Up to him.

snitzelvoncrumb · 24/02/2019 04:53

I hate men that behave like that, if it's something you want you get told off for mentioning it. He sounds like a drama queen have a tantrum. I would leave, I think you would be happier on your own than dealings with some like that.

namechangdd2019 · 24/02/2019 05:34

The thing is, everyone is saying ' He wants kids, just not with you' your 37 and he's 7 years younger so he's only 30!? I know this sound pathetic but he is still quite young to being having kids, most men only start thinking about kids into there 30's my DH was 35 when we had our first, my Dsis partner is 35 now and they don't have any children yet but are starting to think about it.... I think he wants to have children with you but doesn't see the rush because HE IS only 30....

Why not sit down and have an adult conversation about it rather than 'statistics say' or 'If we don't soon it may not happen' a lot of women only have there first child into there 40's! I would say ' I truly have found someone who I love and want to spend my life with, I would love to have a DC with you which was something I didn't think about before we got together, do you have a time frame in your mind when you would like to have a child or is it not something you have considered yet' try and see what he really thinks... or doesn't.

pissedonatrain · 24/02/2019 05:59

Do what is best for you and your DC.
If he has now been dragging his feet, he doesn't see the urgency for him and is happy to enjoy things as they are.
What are his reasons for not wanting to ttc now?

Then 5 years or whenever down the road he'll decide he's ready and he'll be gone and you'll be even more broken hearted.

My stbxh of 10 years did this to me.

Bovneydazzlers · 24/02/2019 06:11

I agree you've not got all the time in the world, but I agreee with him in a way.

You've only been together 2 years and not long moved in together, I do think it's fair to give it another year of loving together before you bring another child into the mix.

Statistically, you probably (no guarantee) will be able to conceive in a year or two still. I don't see what the alternative is, pressure him into it before he's fully settled into being a family of 4, or split up and then in all likelihood stay a single mum with no more children (unless you choose sperm donor/doing it alone).

I know biological clock ticking, but I think your deadline needs to be more like a year not months, you want to know he will still it around as part of your family.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 24/02/2019 06:30

To be honest I am not sure you should have any more kids. You've got two, the age gap would be huge, you're well shot of the baby years and you're getting on a bit. You say yourself you've only just started thinking about it. I'd just stick with what you have and be happy.

Fairylea · 24/02/2019 06:48

My dh and I have the same age gap and I was also divorced with a child when we met. For us the age gap isn’t even an issue, at all. However, dh was desperate to have children and we had our ds (now nearly 7) when dh was 24 - so completely different attitude to your dp. (My older child was 10 then, the age gap has never been an issue at all, she adores her younger brother, who has turned out to have autism and learning disabilities but whom we completely love to pieces)!

In your situation I think I would see how things pan out for a while. I think even if you left the chances of finding someone else in this magic 2 year time frame before your fertility really starts to drop is fairly unrealistic- although you never know. I would probably either just see what happens in this relationship or accept that it may never happen.

madcatladyforever · 24/02/2019 06:55

You just don't know whats going to happen, you might have a baby and he decides he's not dad material at all and leaves.
You might not have one and he stays.
You might be lucky and have one at 45.
I think you're better off just relaxing and see where this relationship goes and enjoy it rather than panic about having more children.

LaughingCow99 · 24/02/2019 07:06

Statistically, you probably (no guarantee) will be able to conceive in a year or two still

I know quite a few women that conceived well into their 40s, so I think that is a bit scaremongering.

I always find these posts so sad. I totally understand how you must be in limbo. Even leaving him is no guarantee you will meet someone in a few years who wants a child.

Are you prepared to have a child on your own?

AnotherEmma · 24/02/2019 07:10

How long had you been dating before he moved in?

"Tells me he wants children with me in the short term. He plans to move in. Suddenly gets cold feet."

This should have been a red flag - he was blowing hot and cold from the beginning. He talked about having a child with you way too soon. And now he's refusing to even discuss it. At best he's immature and doesn't know what he wants. At worst he's uncommitted and manipulative.

It he definitely wanted a child with you, he'd be willing to at least talk about it. He doesn't sound like your "dream man" at all. Is he very different from your ex? How did your ex treat you and why did it end?

FWIW I wouldn't have any more children if I were you, given that you already have two, you're 38, and there are indications that this relationship is not going to last. I think you should focus on the children you already have. Sorry.

LizzieSiddal · 24/02/2019 08:28

I think the main point is being missed here. For me it’s how he’s treating you. You are trying to talk to him about something so important and life changing and he just brushes you off and expects you to accept it.

Imo he’s being very cruel to you and I’m not sure I would want to stay with someone who treated me like that.

NaturalBornWoman · 24/02/2019 08:40

He clearly hasn't reached the point in life or in your relationship where he's ready to have children. Given he's only 30 and it's a relatively short time you've been together that's unsurprising. If the relationship is as good as you say just enjoy it and stop trying to push him to the next stage. You have children so it's not like you're being deprived of the chance to be a mother.

madcatladyforever · 24/02/2019 08:44

I was going to have another child with my exDH 11 years younger than me some years ago now. Turned out HE was completely infertile and couldn't have them.

Arowana · 24/02/2019 08:50

I don't think he's deliberately messing with your head. He's 30 and you've only been together two years - it's really normal for him to not be ready yet. It's also normal for young men to underestimate the decline in a woman's fertility.

Sorry, but I think you're being a bit unfair to give him ultimatums and I do see his point about putting pressure on him.

I do see your side too of course. At 38 you feel that time is running out. It's your decision whether to stay with him or not - but I think it's unfair to blame him for this situation.

NotANotMan · 24/02/2019 09:02

I expect he does want a baby with you but not yet. He's still young enough to put off difficult decisions to some future point whereas you are a bit older and clearly much wiser.
I really think you should put the baby idea back in the box, whether you stay with him or not. Assume it's not happening. The pressure of TTC at 40 may well be huge (friends have gone through it, through waiting years, miscarriages and IVF, failed and successful and if they didn't have very well established and strong relationships it would have broken them)
Enjoy the relationship you have and revisit the baby idea in future.

SoyDora · 24/02/2019 09:12

Look at it from his perspective... he’s 30 and you’ve only been together 2 years. I’d probably want to wait a while before having a child in his situation too.

Original poster
Gluestickonthefloor · 24/02/2019 13:24

All wise words. Im so torn. I fear heartbreak coming if I force the conversation AND if I leave it. Seems either way I loose.

OP posts:
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