Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

I'm nearly 38....he is in no rush for a baby. Stay or go?

105 replies

Gluestickonthefloor · 23/02/2019 14:05

Hi Mumsnet. I need some sense taking please.

So bit of background. I am divorced and have two children already (8 and 6). All settled after the divorce. 2 years ago meet my dream man. He is 7 years younger than me. I'm worried about the age gap. He is a read gent and just shrugs it off. He loves me. He is fab with kids. Tells me he wants children with me in the short term. He plans to move in. Suddenly gets cold feet. Not that he doesnt love me: just a big step. Ok, I back off for a while, he warms up and moves in. As you would exect with any couple we have the occasional tiff. Nothing major and we love each other to bits.

Anyway....Im shortly turning 38. Now, he is certain he would like a child of his own. Its very important to him. I'd like another truth be told, I love being a mum - my kids are my world and I always wanted a bigger family. But I have made him aware that dragging his feet with me on this issue may mean we physically cannot have one if we don't crack on soon. But this is the problem: that is apparently putting pressure on which has caused some heated discussions recently, which he now says he wants the 'dust to settle' before we re open the issue. But its like chicken and egg: If I don't raise the issue we carry on in our (admittedly happy) bubble avoiding the issue - if I do, its 'pressure'. I feel like i'm stuck. And what will actually hapen is that I'll get to 40, not be able to concieve and we will break up anyway because having a child is so key to him.

Is he just finding a very nuanced way of playing with my head?

Im my head I keep setting mini 'deadlines' for us to actually make a firm decision about TTC. Those deadlines come and go. It was xmas, now its end of Feb. I feel like this is taking up waaaay too much headspace. Should I just call time? I dont want to throw away a lovely man and a great relationship but I cannot shake this voice in my head that my last chances are being wasted by a man who won't ever commit to this 100 per cent. Am I putting off the inevitable? I have tried to have very frank discussions with him - he shits me down saying im obsessing over the issue. But I hate living in this limbo land when Im getting older all the time.

Maybe he is right..Any advice or way to actually make headway with this v welcome x

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 24/02/2019 19:42

So he would leave you, and your DC, should you not be able to conceive or carry a healthy foetus to term?

And presumably he’d leave too if you said no to ttc DC3.

He’s been honest. I can understand his interests, given his age etc, but it’s a big risk for you and the DC to live with him given his priorities.

MsDogLady · 25/02/2019 00:11

So he is saying that you must TTC on his timetable, but if you can’t get pregnant, he plans to leave you. This would not be my idea of a “dream man.”

He pulled you in with talk of wanting babies, but is now backpedaling, dismissing you with inane statements like, “I’m sure it wouldn’t be a problem” to conceive/carry/deliver in your 40s. He blocks and deflects when you try to have a frank discussion by accusing you of being obsessed.

It is easy for him to push for you to wait. He wouldn’t be the one who’d possibly need fertility drugs and procedures. Personally, I think you are very foolish to put TTC on hold. I know many women who are sorry they waited until their late 30s.

Regarding your egocentric partner, I think he is indeed wasting your precious time. If and when he does decide that the time is right for him, I wonder how much time he’ll allow for you to conceive before he bolts?

SleepingStandingUp · 25/02/2019 00:19

But Im starting to resent him for wasting my time the problem is he likely sees it as you're having a relationship and letting that settle down and you seem to see is as just a count down on your biological clock.

You're 38 nearly. If you break up tomorrow, but time time you've met someone else and been with them long enough to move them in and have kids you're going to be past 40 anyway so I wouldn't dump him in the hope of kids with someone else but you do need to talk about what happens if you can't have kids together

Ella2103 · 25/02/2019 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Smotheroffive · 25/02/2019 00:32

I do think he's got you dangling by a string OP.

I think he didn't expect you to back off when he went all cold on your ass about moving in. I think he knows he has the upper hand and final decision here, and cruelly continually shutting you down, despite being able to clearly see how much this is affecting you.

This has come up, and its shown you how he behaves. It's now part of who you are as a couple, and its pretty toxic.

It was his choice to become part of a family (in response to pp) and he's told you how much he wants his own DC, but does he? I'm gonna say he's not the one.

PinaColada1 · 25/02/2019 00:38

He’s not taking your needs seriously. That’s quite a big issue and I think a deal breaker for me.

I had this. I really wanted another child. Partner said he did too. We both had children from previous relationships. I believed him when he said he wanted children too, so I stuck around. Fell in love. I was prepared to walk, and ended the relationship over his non committal nature. As he was messing me around. I had a 2 year window like you, and he had years! That really hurt me.

Think about it. He could string you along for 5 more years. Then leave you, and have a child with someone else.

LizzieSiddal · 25/02/2019 07:35

I asked snog- yes he would leave.

That is astonishing and cruel.

-You are late 30s, and biology means your ability to conceive is diminishing.
-He will not discuss with you when he wants to try conceiving.
-He will leave you if you don’t conceive.

He’s put you between a rock and a hard place and he doesn’t care about what he’s doing to you!

crimsonlake · 25/02/2019 07:46

I agree if you leave him there is certainly no guarantee that in the time frame that you are looking at to have another child that you will meet someone else, or dare I say it ever. This is a really difficult one, is it a child with him you want, or simply another child? That said if you stay together and several years down the line and he decides the time is right but it is too late for you what then? Big decisions ahead.

crimsonlake · 25/02/2019 07:52

Sorry I missed the bit where he said he would leave you if it turns out you cannot have children in the future. This may change in time...but having read that now my advice is different, yes I would take the risk and leave him. A man who can say that does not really love you does he, you deserve better.

Loopytiles · 25/02/2019 07:58

OP already has two DC and didn’t especially want DC3 until her current partner suggested it, so the risk of not meeting someone new in time to have DC3 isn’t too big of a consideration IMO.

Frazzled2207 · 25/02/2019 08:05

Why is everything about what he wants?

I would be making it clear (if it's true) that I don't want a baby in my 40s. Yes I know loads of happy healthy babies are born to mums in their 40s but it is usually much harder to conceive and the risks to both mother and child are significantly higher too. He's a dick if he doesn't agree to having one soon. It's a different discussion whether or not to stay with him. I'm pleased you already have your own kids in any case.

JinglingHellsBells · 25/02/2019 08:10

I think if he were a decent sort of chap, he'd say his goodbyes and leave.
It would be the kindest and most decent thing to do in the long term.

This doesn't mean he doesn't care about you now, but the age gap is an issue if he really wants a child of his own.

The odds of you conceiving now are reduced anyway, if you leave it another few years, they reduce even more. Yes, you could be one of the women who conceive at 45 with no problems, but equally you might not.

I think you ought to forget about a 3rd child anyway, with anyone, (unless he's willing to try immediately.)

You have 2 lovely children now. Your priority ought to be making a happy life for them and yourself.

If someone was to enter your life who was ready for a child together, that would be lovely, as long as they understood the odds on conceiving were limited and they wanted to be with you, whatever.

BUT you aren't in that situation. You are with a younger man who is not ready for a child (I understand that- he's still quite young and he'd be taking on 2 step-children and his own child.)

Sadly, I think his delaying tactics and blase attitude shows his immaturity, refusing to take the issue seriously.

I'm sorry but if he won't walk away, you have to. NOT to find another man for that 3rd child, but because the odds are you will be very hurt by this man at some point in the future because by the time he decides he wants a child, you are more than likely to be infertile (or the risks would have increased of birth defects.)

Letthemysterybe · 25/02/2019 08:15

He said he would leave you if you could not conceive? That is so awful. That reveals his character. I could not stay with a man who felt that way.

JinglingHellsBells · 25/02/2019 08:19

and not only that, but he wants to delay trying to conceive as he is not ready.

Honestly, OP, it's lose-lose for you.

You need to end it.

AnotherEmma · 25/02/2019 08:45

Everything HellsBells said. With bells on

Moralitym1n1 · 25/02/2019 08:48

Older woman younger man age gap relationships only work in 3 scenarios

Younger man doesn't want kids of own and doesn't change mind.

Both people already have kids, ok with not having more.

Older woman is still young enough to have no fertility concerns/urgency.

Younger man is extremely commited and willing to have kids relatively quickly.

None of these apply to you.

This is generally s recipe for hurt, with most hurt sustained by the woman.

another20 · 25/02/2019 08:54

What would happen if you told him that YOU have decided that you do not want anymore children.

brookshelley · 25/02/2019 09:10

Unfortunately OP I don't think you two are compatible in the long-term. If he wants DCs but he's not ready now, staying with a 38 year old woman is not the right choice for him. You are worrying about throwing your relationship away - but sad to say I see signs that it will end when he decides he's ready for DCs.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/02/2019 09:18

I asked snog- yes he would leave
Ah, I missed this too.
You need to force the conversation. Proper chat not in bed with no kids around.

I've been thinking about his ultimatum that you'd leave me if I didn't produce you an child. Given my age that gives me two choices. We can start trying now and see what happens or we might as well split up now. I'm not prepared to start ttc in my 40's given the increased risks. The choice is yours.

Or just dump him for being an ass.

What do you think he'd do if, given increased risks with age, your child had additional needs? Would he call foul and demand a new one or would he step up?

BoringPerson · 25/02/2019 11:25

I can see why he doesn't want to race into having a baby if he only met you two years ago. That's not long ago at all!!
Moving in with you and your two kids is a huge step. I think he is sensible for wanting to wait a while. He doesn't sound like he is messing you about. He has been honest and wants to wait. It's up to you what you do but it's unfair to want an option that's not on offer.

JinglingHellsBells · 25/02/2019 11:45

I agree that he's being sensible, but it's not compatible with what you want.

My DS is older than your partner and none of his friends has kids yet- they are working hard and probably won't try for kids till they are mid 30s at least- this seems the norm with professional guys these days.

I think you are expecting too much from him, to move in AND try for his own child so soon.

I think you each need a strong dose of reality.

He needs to accept that by waiting, it's unlikely he would have a child with you so he ought to bail out.

You need to accept that time is against you and although he is the 'man of your dreams' your lives don't fit together.

Moralitym1n1 · 25/02/2019 12:06

Older woman younger man age gap relationships only work in 3 scenarios

That was 4 scenarios actually

RagingWhoreBag · 25/02/2019 13:32

Definitely don't leave him because you want another baby with someone else
Leave him because you don't know when he might decide he's ready to TTC and if you don't produce a baby he will leave you! He's holding a threat over your head. How could you possibly enjoy your relationship under those circumstances?

This. Take the decision out of his hands. It's downright cruel that he has made it clear that if you can't have a child he'll leave you for someone who can, but he's denying you the chance for that child while you're still (presumably) more fertile. Either he has a very poor grasp of biology or he's a user.

Smotheroffive · 26/02/2019 22:27

He's shown.himself to be a complete and utter bastard, so yes, leave him

Smotheroffive · 26/02/2019 22:29

Sorry, I didn't mean LTB, I meant KTBO (kick the bastard out)

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread