I'm nearly 38....he is in no rush for a baby. Stay or go?

[Gluestickonthefloor]

Hi Mumsnet. I need some sense taking please.

So bit of background. I am divorced and have two children already (8 and 6). All settled after the divorce. 2 years ago meet my dream man. He is 7 years younger than me. I'm worried about the age gap. He is a read gent and just shrugs it off. He loves me. He is fab with kids. Tells me he wants children with me in the short term. He plans to move in. Suddenly gets cold feet. Not that he doesnt love me: just a big step. Ok, I back off for a while, he warms up and moves in. As you would exect with any couple we have the occasional tiff. Nothing major and we love each other to bits.

Anyway....Im shortly turning 38. Now, he is certain he would like a child of his own. Its very important to him. I'd like another truth be told, I love being a mum - my kids are my world and I always wanted a bigger family. But I have made him aware that dragging his feet with me on this issue may mean we physically cannot have one if we don't crack on soon. But this is the problem: that is apparently putting pressure on which has caused some heated discussions recently, which he now says he wants the 'dust to settle' before we re open the issue. But its like chicken and egg: If I don't raise the issue we carry on in our (admittedly happy) bubble avoiding the issue - if I do, its 'pressure'. I feel like i'm stuck. And what will actually hapen is that I'll get to 40, not be able to concieve and we will break up anyway because having a child is so key to him.

Is he just finding a very nuanced way of playing with my head?

Im my head I keep setting mini 'deadlines' for us to actually make a firm decision about TTC. Those deadlines come and go. It was xmas, now its end of Feb. I feel like this is taking up waaaay too much headspace. Should I just call time? I dont want to throw away a lovely man and a great relationship but I cannot shake this voice in my head that my last chances are being wasted by a man who won't ever commit to this 100 per cent. Am I putting off the inevitable? I have tried to have very frank discussions with him - he shits me down saying im obsessing over the issue. But I hate living in this limbo land when Im getting older all the time.

Maybe he is right..Any advice or way to actually make headway with this v welcome x

The problem isn’t that he wants to wait but that he wants to wait in a relationship with an older woman. The truth is he has more options than you and he can play happy families without the biological commitment. Later on, if he really wants a biological child, he has the time to find someone who can.

He has to be ready but he’s got you in such a bind it’s too much.

You can’t produce a baby on demand when he’s ready so I’d find it difficult to stay with him. It’s unrealistic.

You asked him about down the road, when he decides he's ready to try, and he said he'd leave if you couldn't get pregnant? Were you two arguing by that point? Not that it excuses what he said, but if things were heated it's possible he said it out of anger rather than what he really feels. That old saying about what you say in anger is what you're actually thinking isn't 100% reliable.
Also, people don't always understand what the other person is truly saying. To help with that issue, our therapist told us to restate the answer we hear. For instance, does he realize that by telling you he wants to wait, and then telling you he'll leave if you can't, thst he's basically saying your relationship has a sell by date

Sorry, didn't mean to post yet. What I meant was that while he may have said it, he might not realize it sounds that way. Maybe restate his answer and ask if that's what he means.

He clearly doesn’t want to be a father right now and he isn’t prepared to entertain the idea, even though waiting may mean not having a child with you. The balls in your court, not his.