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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't stand my partner right now.

127 replies

nothingdaboutmyp · 22/02/2019 23:35

I'm in my third trimester so not sure if this is hormonal or if he's just being a total arse.

All he does is play his games and shout his mouth off on his headset talking his friends even though he knows I'm trying to sleep. If he dies on the game he will shout and swear and throw his controller over the room.
He hasn't done anything around the house for months.
He CONSTANTLY borrows money from me and doesn't pay it back and tbh it seems the only time he speaks to me with any respect is when he wants money.
He's been paid today and picked up less than half of what he should have, and it's no where near enough for him to put half towards our bills let alone pay me a penny back, AND HE DOESNT CARE! He won't call his boss to question him about it. So even though I'm on shoddy maternity pay, I'll have to go into my savings AGAIN to pay our bills, and then have to lend(give!) him money for his bills yet again. I started saving when we were TTC, and most of it has gone because he randomly quit his job for 3 months just after we got our positive (apparently someone spoke to him in a tone he didn't like). So I had to support us both during that time with absolutely zero thanks or appreciation. It's not even about the money, he's my partner and I'd happily support him where I can, but IM ON MATERNITY the money isn't going to just appear!!! I tried to save so I could still pay half to everything whilst I was off and he's had it all! I just want a bit of appreciation and more importantly team work and for him to pick up a bit of the concern regarding how we're going to pay our rent - for where our child is going to live!!!😡😡😡😡😡

OP posts:
Original poster
nothingdaboutmyp · 22/02/2019 23:37

He's worked more hours than he's been paid for, so it's a mistake, but as he's self employed - the only way it'll get rectified is if he says something. Which he won't because he'd rather stress me out and drain my money than ask for money he's actually earned!!!!!

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 22/02/2019 23:40

I don't understand why any woman is happy to live with a boy who spends all his time playing computer games anyway.

But the money stuff is ridiculous. You need to point out that if he can't put on his big boy pants and sort it out, you'd be better off if he fucked off all together and you got a smaller place.

Original poster
nothingdaboutmyp · 22/02/2019 23:42

Before I got pregnant he never played it. Before I got pregnant he was fantastic. Super helpful around the house, always willing to sit and talk if we had money problems. If I was upset or pissed off, he'd listen. Now he literally just ignores me, calls me controlling and shouts at me..... until he wants money and then I'm his angel and he doesn't know what he'd do without me.

I honestly feel like just upping and leaving and telling him to keep what he owes me. He makes me sick to my stomach that he can treat me like this.

OP posts:
ashtrayheart · 22/02/2019 23:45

Leave the man child.

kkkaren7 · 22/02/2019 23:50

Typical gamer, tell him not to get "triggered" and say i have already given u my money stop buying v-bucks and he will respect that

Bananalanacake · 22/02/2019 23:51

He's got a job. So he should be paying equal share. He will have to help more when the baby arrives.

Babdoc · 22/02/2019 23:55

It’s fairly classic that domestic abuse starts during pregnancy, once the bloke knows you’re vulnerable, trapped and dependent.
So far, in your case, it’s financial and verbal abuse. It may well escalate to violence or coercive control.
You should give serious thought to whether this man is actually providing anything at all in your relationship or whether you’d be massively better off chucking him out.

Newerversion · 23/02/2019 00:07

Are you sure he got paid less than he should have? He hasn’t spent it? Was he definitely working the hours he said he was?

SandyY2K · 23/02/2019 00:18

Who's house is it? Really 8d tell him to buck up or you're ending the relationship. Say it and mean it, or don't bother saying it.

People treat you how you let them. If you don't like the situation you can change it.

colditz · 23/02/2019 00:25

he doesn't care about you or your child.

Your very best move would be to leave him, have and raise the baby alone, and don't give your baby too much opportunity to become attached to the abusive loser.

pog100 · 23/02/2019 00:26

Then do it. Up sticks. He isn't going to change now, but if he is the only thing that might bring it about is to give him a real shock. You need a real partner or no partner, not another child. I highly suspect you are best without this man in your life, on the birth certificate, in your bed.

LovingLola · 23/02/2019 00:27

sell the games console

Monty27 · 23/02/2019 00:30

Eeeew OP is he 12?

Original poster
nothingdaboutmyp · 23/02/2019 00:32

He doesn't, and hasn't slept in our bed for months. He falls asleep on the sofa every night with his head set still on. To be honest, this is the tip of the iceberg there's many, many more things he's done, emotional abuse and aggression around the house.
I've just been extremely stupid and naive and hoped he would change but tonight has just shown he honestly couldn't care less about me and possibly baby too.

I still love him but by staying I am really, really degrading myself. My friends who once loved him (and actually introduced me to him and encouraged me to get with him), can't stand him and are constantly telling me to leave.

I've actually left the house because I was getting so angry lying in bed listening to him screaming, he laughed at me as I left. I've taken myself to McDonald's and have no where to go but home now.

I don't expect sympathy, I should have left ages ago. I'm an idiot.

OP posts:
Newerversion · 23/02/2019 00:35

Is there nowhere you could go tomorrow if not tonight?

Fuppy · 23/02/2019 00:37

100% Guarantee you he's been paid correctly. He's keeping it aside to spend on things he knows you won't approve of, he doesn't care about bills etc because he knows you'll deal with that.

If he's on Xbox you can check his micro-transaction purchases if you suspect it's that?

If you haven't already, try talking to him about his behaviour and ask why it's changed. Also, if possible do that away from home (and away from the console) You cannot have your poor baby being subjected to aggressive outbursts whatever it's aimed at, even small babies pick up on the environment and it affects them.

If that doesn't work then get rid, other pps are correct in saying it's abuse and it often presenting during pregnancy.

Original poster
nothingdaboutmyp · 23/02/2019 00:44

Honestly, I feel like I've tried everything. I've even took him away for the weekend simply to try and get him away from the game and hopefully reignite a spark between us, not even sexual just enough to remember why we're together and have a conversation. All he did the whole time was watch videos on his phone about the game!

We've not been out of the house together once since I've been pregnant. I've offered to take him to the cinema, for food, a walk, anything, or even sit in and watch a film or programme of his choice, he's just not interested at all. Says when baby comes we can start spending time together again?

However for example, this morning he wanted to borrow money so he was nice as pie, telling me he was going to cook me dinner tonight when he got home as I haven't been too well the last few days. Nothing when he got in. I'm lucky if I get a hello these days to be honest.

I asked him tonight what it is that I've done to deserve this, and he just laughed at me again.

I just wish I'd done this sooner, I do have somewhere to go but baby could come anytime and sorting everything out now will be awful, especially as I'll have to do it on my own. As I said, I'm an idiot

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 23/02/2019 00:48

Can't your family or friends help?

I assume you're not married so think about how you want the birth and afterwards to go.

And please stop lending him money.

Original poster
nothingdaboutmyp · 23/02/2019 00:50

Yeah my family will help, my friends are a bit useless in the nicest way possible. Useless is the wrong word, busy with their own lives is more accurate.

They c

OP posts:
Original poster
nothingdaboutmyp · 23/02/2019 00:51

Posted too soon sorry.

They check in every now and again but if I was to ask for help they'd be too busy.

I'm still just sat in my car. Really don't want to go home. It annoys me coz I pay for the place but it doesn't actually feel like my home at all.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 23/02/2019 00:55

Tell him to leave

timeisnotaline · 23/02/2019 01:00

I’m so glad your family will help. Why can’t he be the one to leave? Would family come around to help pack his things? Having a male relative tell him if you wake up 3 days from now and the games console is still there you are calling him and he is going to take it apart with an axe might be all the motivation he needs.

Original poster
nothingdaboutmyp · 23/02/2019 01:03

He won't leave as he has no where to go and no money to go anywhere anyway.
I also can't stay here alone because I now can't afford it thanks to him!

I've just got home and he's still just sat there with his head set on playing his game. He's 30 years old. This is insane.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 23/02/2019 01:04

I wouldn't be his biggest fan, either.

notapizzaeater · 23/02/2019 01:08

Have you checked to see what you'd be entitled to without him ?

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