My partner isn’t telling his adult daughter about our relationship

[Juneburg]

My partner and I have been together for two years and living together for just over one year. There is a slight age gap of 14 years and he has two children (18and 23) from his previous relationship.

He has told the son he is ‘seeing someone’ but has yet to tell the daughter.

My partner has said for several months that he will speak to his daughter, but she keeps cancelling plans and he ‘bottles’ out when he does get the opportunity. The relationship between them is complicated, from what I understand this is due to the ongoing conflict he and his ex had during their relationship, the family set up was mum and daughter v dad and son.

I have tried to support my partner as best I can, he has been told by friends and family that his daughter has been ‘slagging’ him off - telling people he is selfish and does not care for her. This couldn’t be further from the truth, he has made extreme sacrifices for her and maintains regular contact despite often being met with rude and uninterested responses. She constantly cancels plans for them to meet up and makes it difficult to rearrange.

Unfortunately, him not telling her is causing tension in our relationship.

His family remain very loyal to his ex-partner, inviting her to family meals, events and have said that they will not meet me until either he tells his ex-partner of our relationship or he tells the children. Some family members have even threatened to tell the ex/daughter if he doesn’t do it. He has no intention of discussing our relationship with the ex.

Because of this, I have started to feel quite isolated. I have only met his dad and one friend in the space of two years. And in turn, he is isolating himself. We cannot attend family events together, we cannot go to meals or parties. He goes alone or not at all.

Invitations are never extended to me, even if the children/his ex is not attending.

We are not able to visit the town where his family/friends live in fear we will be spotted by someone who would then relay information.

And then, you have the very minor things that ‘normal couples’ would do. We cannot have profile pictures, be overly public with our relationship or go to certain places. He’s reluctant to even change his profile pictures of photos I have taken of him in case someone asks where or who took it.

I do to an extent feel like a dirty secret.

It feels as if we have separate lives. He has ‘his’ life with his family and friends, and then there is ‘my’ life with him, it is not ‘our’ life. I do not have children or a large social circle due to moving to the area very late on in my life.

My partner has promised me for several months now that he will deal with this, he says he knows he has to because it isn’t fair on me or healthy for our relationship. I understand why he is perhaps nervous or worried of the reaction of his daughter, so I have tried my hardest to remain impartial and not allow the feelings of isolation and separate lives impact us, but it is very difficult.

He will say ‘I promise in two weeks, I will tell them’, three weeks pass and then we are back on to the promises again.

We want to get married and have our own child, but we are prevented from moving forward in our relationship until he tells his daughter. Many of our achievements have been celebrated together and not with others and we would like to be able to get engaged with the support and excitement from others.

My other concern is that if this continues any longer, it won’t be seen as a mature decision on deciding if there is longevity in our relationship but will be seen as a lie and this will cause even more issues. Our relationship is very serious, we live together - I would be hurt if my own parents had not informed me of such a serious relationship that has spanned over two years.

He has also said he is going to start putting me first. I have told him I don’t want to be ‘first’. I don’t want to be in a competition with his children for first place, in my mind, they come first but also that I am taken in to consideration.

I am not entirely sure what advice I am looking for, but not being a parent myself, I can only relate based on assumptions of the situation. I really love this man and asides from this, our relationship is incredible - however, the tension is building. I believe he is not telling his daughter based on fear.

OP, I'm really sorry to say but I would walk out of the relationship before you have a child.

Fourteen years is a very big age difference and his family sound unbearable; however, I do understand where they are coming from about not wanting to meet you before his children have.

How do they not know you're living together? Do they never visit?

That sounds unbearable OP.
He’s having his cake and eating it and really being very weak in dealing with his family which would put me right off.
The longer it goes on the more momentum the secret carries. Tell him he needs to get it out there immediately and stop pussyfooting around it because you are not living a secret half life. It’s very unfair on you and you deserve more.

I understand why they would refuse to meet me to an extent as well, the family are all very close, perhaps too close for the sake of getting involved in everyone’s business. Everyone but the ex and daughter know about me, they feel like they’re lying to both of them so I can see the frustration from their aspect as well and why they wouldn’t want to get drawn in to the ‘lie’.

He had them believe he was living with his dad, the son knows he isn’t and is living with me but the daughter doesn’t, so I assume she still believes he is there. But since he’s ‘lived’ there, they haven’t gone to visit or asked.

Not being a parent myself, I find it very difficult to relate, or even perhaps take the reins and put my foot down.

The relationship with daughter is very complicated. She is very much for her mother. His family have said she is pretty much disowning him, he flits in and out of different mindsets. Sometimes he will say that he has done everything he can for her, he’s never given her reason to not like him but he can’t do anymore to change the perception. And then he gets worried he is going to lose her.

I was considering putting my foot down slightly, explaining that the promises hurt on the basis there’s no repercussions and I am constantly let down. Part of me considered that maybe I need to set down my own timescales and if not, then I will treat the relationship as anyone else would - profile pictures, going to his town regularly and seeing his friends (some family members have shown interest in meeting me despite the issue with the daughter). The things we cannot do because of his inability to be honest with his daughter.

He is only protecting her from the inevitable.

However, that decision of putting my foot down carries risks. I know it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for our relationship, however - I could potentially hurt his daughter if she were to find out and I have always, without anyone realising or knowing, put his children first and have never wanted to hurt them. And I know the decision of forcing profile pictures and the minor things like that is simply for self-indulgence.

Surely to God if his son knows, he's told his mum and sister already? If your partner has told his son "don't tell anyone else" that's a very unfair burden for a parent to place on a child.

You need to give him an ultimatum - he has a week (or whatever time limit) or it's over, you have to mean it though

Life goes on though. It’s inevitable that her parents meet new partners and she’s a grown woman.
The longer he keeps this a secret the more difficult it gets to reveal. He needs to rip the plaster off and be a big boy. Telling family he’s staying with his dad?
Are you really as happy as you say you are? He sounds a bit of a wimp and he’s not giving you or your relationship respect here.

I’d actually leave now, and tell him you’ll come back when he can offer an adult relationship which is open and honest. Bugger all that sneaking about ffs

He didn’t ask the son to keep it to himself but said that he has yet to tell the daughter and the son told him he wouldn’t tell anyone.

The relationships are all very complicated, that’s the best and only word I can describe it. The son initially asked if he could move in with him and he had to explain his current living status and our relationship, the son was very happy for him and has always been very matter of fact and understanding on why his parents relationship did not work out. I said although I understand it is awkward, if the son really desperately feels he wants to leave the house, then I would have no issue with the son moving in with us or, us helping the son be financially stable enough to move out.

I think that might give a clearer picture in to the relationship between son and the mother/daughter. The son has described it as emotional abuse. And maybe this also paints a clearer picture as to my SOs reluctance to tell the daughter.

He sounds absolutely pathetic. Why so much drama? It doesn't make any sense.

His children are not babies - they are both adults. He needs to tell them both - and his ex - that he now has a partner and that you are living together. This whole scenario sounds ridiculous - and your partner sounds weak and lame in his behaviour. He must be at least in his 40's but he is acting like a teenager with a secret girlfriend.

Your comment I was considering putting my foot down slightly seems pretty weak - either this man is your life partner or he isn't ! You are buying into this childish game that he is playing , "Ooh I can't tell anyone, we can't even go to my home town in case someone sees us " .

Look, I know it's not easy to tell your ex and the kids that you have a new partner - I've been there myself - but for heavens sake, this should have been dealt with in a calm and simple conversation 2 years ago.

In your situation I'd be moving on. If he is too immature to deal with this situation ( which he has created himself with his procrastination) then I wouldn't be wasting any more time on him.

I have said this to him. The daughter cannot possibly expect her parents to not meet new partners and to forever be alone just to appease her.

He is avoiding the inevitable. He doesn’t like hurting people, most of all his children and perhaps I have been too lenient to accommodate that and, I am being hurt by helping him protect others.

Our relationship is fantastic and I am very, very happy but I am not naive to realise that this situation with the children will only fester resentment and difficulties for us in the long run of it isn’t dealt with almost immediately. It has gone on for too long.

He promised me it would be addressed this week and nothing still. I think you’re all correct in saying there needs to be an ultimatum or a bit of ball growing on my part.

He's a coward.

And he's not offering you a decent/normal relationship.

Ultimatum and if he doesn't meet it, get out.

Have a feeling you won't though, he's chosen well. Others would not have put up with thus, they'd have been long gone.

Our relationship is fantastic

No offense but it's not actually.

I can't believe you two actually live together and he hasn't told and introduced you to his entire family.

What does he think he is protecting her from? Sounds more like he is a conflict-avoider and really only protecting himself.

If their relationship is complicated, lying to his daughter is not going to improve it. And yes he is lying to her by omission.

You say he doesn't like hurting people, but he is hurting both you and his dd by disrespecting you both in this way.

You’re all right.

There is no excuse. I am being forced in to a lie that I am not happy with or want to be a part of. I don’t want to hurt anyone and, I do believe he doesn’t either but as FaithFrank has said, this is most likely to protect himself.

If he really wanted this relationship to work and to progress, this would have been dealt with a while ago. The daughter can dislike the fact his dad has a new partner, but that isn’t going to change the fact he will, either with me or someone else, have relationships.

There is no ‘slightly’ putting my foot down in this situation. He either tells her and allows me to integrate in to his family at a pace that works for us, the children and his family/friends or, it just isn’t feasible. I do blame myself partially, others wouldn’t have stayed this long but I did and have probably set a precedent that one or two more weeks won’t hurt and so the cycle continues.

I appreciate it is difficult announcing new partners, that’s why I never pushed it - but he is protecting her from reality and for no good reason.

I don’t want to be a secret anymore, I didn’t expect him to tell them two weeks in to the relationship, but this long is too much. The stress and upset is completely unnecessary and undeserving, for both me or anyone else that’s indirectly impacted by his inability to be honest.

I still don't understand what possible reason your partner could have for not telling his daughter. Can you explain?

People are allowed to have other relationships when a marriage ends.

Unfortunately, I can’t. If there was a valid reason, I would understand but there isn’t.

As others have said, I believe it is down to self preservation and protection and avoiding conflict.

Why all the drama? Can't he just text her 'I have a gf'. Done. Or if they don't get along, it's none of her business. Its not like she is a kid or he is still with their mother. Its been years!

Sorry but it sounds more like he is the manipulative one. Imagine expecting someone to sneak about after two years! Blooming cheek. And b*llshit. Are you sure there isn't more too it? Eg: he was an abusive partner and thinks that if they fins out he has a new gf, ppl will try to warn her off him. Or he us still seeing his ex wife?

Either he is a big old wimp, hiding something or doesn't want to get serious with u n is using his family as an excuse not to.

If you'd like children of your own, not only is him being 14 years older and already having kids not ideal (there's another thread on here about how that's working out for her, and their age gap isn't even as big i.e. it's not working out for her) .. but how is he going to do that when he hasn't even been able to summon the backbone and communication/interpersonal skills to tell his ex and daughter he's in a relationship?!

The longer you leave it the worse it will get. I’d be pissed off if I were the daughter, if I found out that I hadn’t been told 2 years + down the line.

Everyone is lying and colluding - it unhealthy for everyone. For what? Such a simple thing. Really, where is his courage.

I’d find someone else too more your age without the emotional baggage him and his 1st family will bring. If you continue with the relationship expect an emotional rollercoaster for the next 20 years. Just not worth it. Plenty more fish out there.

It'll just be another conflict avoidance, delaying, changing goal posts exercise.

Also the issues his daughter has with him (let's face it, boys can often be more stoical
& insensitive about emotional stuff than girls which may be why his sons ok with him) and the fact that his family continue to include his ex in everything and have a good/close relationship with her; suggest to me perhaps he's not been the wonderful, blameless man he's appeared to you.

Also it sounds like he only told his son because he wanted to move in, he didn't even tell him proactively.

He wanted to tell her in person, which I do understand. When we last discussed it I said to him that she’s cancelling plans, she’s not rearranging, a phone call will suffice and he agreed. No phone call though.

I think he is just scared. The daughter is an adult, however I do often question her emotional intelligence and understanding. She has previously been very manipulative towards him. I’ve seen the texts first hand, she uses her emotions to get what she wants. He’s admitted himself that he has always sought her affections and attention and this has been at the detriment of his son. He knows the more she pushes him away, the harder he tries. She is also very demanding, after the break up with the mother he was left in financial difficulties and the expectations of gifts and presents, all birthdays and christmases she has been ungrateful and asks for more as ‘it’s not good enough’. Her words...

He isn’t manipulative or abusive. The only issue in this relationship is his inability to tell the daughter. He is also definitely not seeing the ex still.

There’s a lot he would do for me and has done for me, apparently just not this

I have decided that tonight I am going to forcefully, not lightly, put my foot down and explain all of my concerns and tell him he has to tell her, perhaps even immediately, or we need to rethink what we are doing. I cannot carry on this secret, double life any longer and I won’t. If he’s serious about our relationship, he will tell his daughter. If not, then I know where I stand. It is such a minor thing in the grand scheme of things.

He also needs it to be known throughout the family, including his ex wife.

It may require adjustments in his his family socialise if she will not be civil; those are adjustments that should already have been made, they're long overdue (i.e. they can't really continue to include his ex partner in their social occasions and not invite his current partner).