My partner and I have been together for two years and living together for just over one year. There is a slight age gap of 14 years and he has two children (18and 23) from his previous relationship.
He has told the son he is ‘seeing someone’ but has yet to tell the daughter.
My partner has said for several months that he will speak to his daughter, but she keeps cancelling plans and he ‘bottles’ out when he does get the opportunity. The relationship between them is complicated, from what I understand this is due to the ongoing conflict he and his ex had during their relationship, the family set up was mum and daughter v dad and son.
I have tried to support my partner as best I can, he has been told by friends and family that his daughter has been ‘slagging’ him off - telling people he is selfish and does not care for her. This couldn’t be further from the truth, he has made extreme sacrifices for her and maintains regular contact despite often being met with rude and uninterested responses. She constantly cancels plans for them to meet up and makes it difficult to rearrange.
Unfortunately, him not telling her is causing tension in our relationship.
His family remain very loyal to his ex-partner, inviting her to family meals, events and have said that they will not meet me until either he tells his ex-partner of our relationship or he tells the children. Some family members have even threatened to tell the ex/daughter if he doesn’t do it. He has no intention of discussing our relationship with the ex.
Because of this, I have started to feel quite isolated. I have only met his dad and one friend in the space of two years. And in turn, he is isolating himself. We cannot attend family events together, we cannot go to meals or parties. He goes alone or not at all.
Invitations are never extended to me, even if the children/his ex is not attending.
We are not able to visit the town where his family/friends live in fear we will be spotted by someone who would then relay information.
And then, you have the very minor things that ‘normal couples’ would do. We cannot have profile pictures, be overly public with our relationship or go to certain places. He’s reluctant to even change his profile pictures of photos I have taken of him in case someone asks where or who took it.
I do to an extent feel like a dirty secret.
It feels as if we have separate lives. He has ‘his’ life with his family and friends, and then there is ‘my’ life with him, it is not ‘our’ life. I do not have children or a large social circle due to moving to the area very late on in my life.
My partner has promised me for several months now that he will deal with this, he says he knows he has to because it isn’t fair on me or healthy for our relationship. I understand why he is perhaps nervous or worried of the reaction of his daughter, so I have tried my hardest to remain impartial and not allow the feelings of isolation and separate lives impact us, but it is very difficult.
He will say ‘I promise in two weeks, I will tell them’, three weeks pass and then we are back on to the promises again.
We want to get married and have our own child, but we are prevented from moving forward in our relationship until he tells his daughter. Many of our achievements have been celebrated together and not with others and we would like to be able to get engaged with the support and excitement from others.
My other concern is that if this continues any longer, it won’t be seen as a mature decision on deciding if there is longevity in our relationship but will be seen as a lie and this will cause even more issues. Our relationship is very serious, we live together - I would be hurt if my own parents had not informed me of such a serious relationship that has spanned over two years.
He has also said he is going to start putting me first. I have told him I don’t want to be ‘first’. I don’t want to be in a competition with his children for first place, in my mind, they come first but also that I am taken in to consideration.
I am not entirely sure what advice I am looking for, but not being a parent myself, I can only relate based on assumptions of the situation. I really love this man and asides from this, our relationship is incredible - however, the tension is building. I believe he is not telling his daughter based on fear.