My partner isn’t telling his adult daughter about our relationship

[Juneburg]

My partner and I have been together for two years and living together for just over one year. There is a slight age gap of 14 years and he has two children (18and 23) from his previous relationship.

He has told the son he is ‘seeing someone’ but has yet to tell the daughter.

My partner has said for several months that he will speak to his daughter, but she keeps cancelling plans and he ‘bottles’ out when he does get the opportunity. The relationship between them is complicated, from what I understand this is due to the ongoing conflict he and his ex had during their relationship, the family set up was mum and daughter v dad and son.

I have tried to support my partner as best I can, he has been told by friends and family that his daughter has been ‘slagging’ him off - telling people he is selfish and does not care for her. This couldn’t be further from the truth, he has made extreme sacrifices for her and maintains regular contact despite often being met with rude and uninterested responses. She constantly cancels plans for them to meet up and makes it difficult to rearrange.

Unfortunately, him not telling her is causing tension in our relationship.

His family remain very loyal to his ex-partner, inviting her to family meals, events and have said that they will not meet me until either he tells his ex-partner of our relationship or he tells the children. Some family members have even threatened to tell the ex/daughter if he doesn’t do it. He has no intention of discussing our relationship with the ex.

Because of this, I have started to feel quite isolated. I have only met his dad and one friend in the space of two years. And in turn, he is isolating himself. We cannot attend family events together, we cannot go to meals or parties. He goes alone or not at all.

Invitations are never extended to me, even if the children/his ex is not attending.

We are not able to visit the town where his family/friends live in fear we will be spotted by someone who would then relay information.

And then, you have the very minor things that ‘normal couples’ would do. We cannot have profile pictures, be overly public with our relationship or go to certain places. He’s reluctant to even change his profile pictures of photos I have taken of him in case someone asks where or who took it.

I do to an extent feel like a dirty secret.

It feels as if we have separate lives. He has ‘his’ life with his family and friends, and then there is ‘my’ life with him, it is not ‘our’ life. I do not have children or a large social circle due to moving to the area very late on in my life.

My partner has promised me for several months now that he will deal with this, he says he knows he has to because it isn’t fair on me or healthy for our relationship. I understand why he is perhaps nervous or worried of the reaction of his daughter, so I have tried my hardest to remain impartial and not allow the feelings of isolation and separate lives impact us, but it is very difficult.

He will say ‘I promise in two weeks, I will tell them’, three weeks pass and then we are back on to the promises again.

We want to get married and have our own child, but we are prevented from moving forward in our relationship until he tells his daughter. Many of our achievements have been celebrated together and not with others and we would like to be able to get engaged with the support and excitement from others.

My other concern is that if this continues any longer, it won’t be seen as a mature decision on deciding if there is longevity in our relationship but will be seen as a lie and this will cause even more issues. Our relationship is very serious, we live together - I would be hurt if my own parents had not informed me of such a serious relationship that has spanned over two years.

He has also said he is going to start putting me first. I have told him I don’t want to be ‘first’. I don’t want to be in a competition with his children for first place, in my mind, they come first but also that I am taken in to consideration.

I am not entirely sure what advice I am looking for, but not being a parent myself, I can only relate based on assumptions of the situation. I really love this man and asides from this, our relationship is incredible - however, the tension is building. I believe he is not telling his daughter based on fear.

• in how his family socialise

Its a huge issue though. I mean if someone hadn't told their family about me after 6 months i'd be debating leaving them. But 2 years!? There is no excuse.

Jolly well put that foot down.

This is appalling. You are not in a mature relationship as two equals. You are allowing yourself to be marginalized and disrespected by this man and his family.

He is kowtowing to his daughter and ex wife, allowing himself to be controlled by them, to your detriment. The daughter already treats him with disdain, and he is rewarding her by dancing to her tune.

“Protecting” her? She is a young adult, and it is entirely reasonable that she be told that her dad has a life to live, which includes you. If she cannot handle that, it’s her problem. Actually, he is doing her no favors by accepting her rude, manipulative behavior.

What is his relationship with his ex wife? It is possible that he is still emotionally tied to her.

Why are you tolerating this outrageous situation? You are sabotaging your life by putting up with this cowardly man. If he really wanted to bring you out into the open, he would.

I wouldn’t be any man’s secret.

None of this adds up.
Have you met the son?
Why have you not met any friends and family if they “already know about you”?

Not sure that his demonising of ex stacks up if his family and friends prioritise her over him.

There is a back story here. Why did the marriage break down? Does the DD and ex have a secret or story that they can tell?

If he can’t tell his DD he is in a relationship - he won’t be telling her that you are engaged, married, pregnant or parents. I doubt you going to have a child with this man - sounds like he is future faking you.

I see that he is also lying to his son saying that he “is seeing someone” - not that he is in a LTR, living together and planning to start a family.

If they are so close why does your DP need to lie to him? Do you even actually know that he has told him?

I believe it is down to self preservation and protection and avoiding conflict
Sounds like an abuse victim, appeasing the abuser for the sake of a peaceful life.

If the ex was emotionally abusive to him and his son - would he not have communicated that to his friends and family and they would not include her in their events? Not adding up for me sorry......

Op this situation sounds utterly shit for you.

I’m afraid I couldn’t be with someone who was incapable of putting his foot down with his family regarding this. He sounds utterly weak and pathetic tbh

It doesn't sound very fantastic at all, I feel for you but I think you need to move on and find someone who you can really be happy with. It also doesn't sound like a great situation to bring a new child into. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you though.

Does your DP work away OP, because this screams of you being the OW. In fact it's worse than being the OW because he's no legitimate reason to hide and keep you a secret.

Everyone else's feelings are more important than yours. I'd be asking him to leave until he can treat you with the respect you deserve.

Do you have anywhere to go? If so I'd start packing and he has got until you finish to tell her. There will never be a magical perfect time where she won't be upset, so he just has to do it. In person, FaceTime, phone or text.
Accept no excuses. He's taking you for a mug.

There's a few points that stand out in your posts OP.

1. That you think you have a great relationship. Honestly, being hidden from friends & family, and continually socialising separately as he won't introduce you is not a healthy relationship.

1. He sounds like a cocklodger. He moved from his parents house into yours (when he's almost a generation older than you) has trouble with finances & refuses to include you in his life fully; are you sure he's not just using you for bed & board?

1. His son is struggling living with his mum, he asks your DP if he can live with him instead & your DP says "no because I'm living with my girlfriend." Why is he not moving heaven & earth to live with his son, even if that means living separately from you?

1. Lastly, you openly admit he has a poor relationship with his current DC, yet you think he'll be a good father to your future children?

Unless I've misunderstood some of your posts, he seems like the sort of man you should be running away from very quickly indeed.

Is this really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with??

Oh if it's your place, then start packing his stuff for him.

Your relationship isn’t fantastic if you can’t even take photos if each other or visit certain places after two years.

If he's secretive like this with other people, he's going to be secretive like this with you. I wonder if he thinks his daughter might tell you something he doesn't want you to hear. The whole thing strikes me as extremely dodgy. He's using these ideas about unfair behaviour and ganging up on him to keep you quiet, surely? So that you won't be on his back about this weird situation.

OP I am the 'crazy' ex who is still close to my in laws. My ex has a new partner and is very secretive about her. I think it's partly because he's still messaging me and telling me he wants to get back with me (no chance) and partly to hide is previous and current terrible behaviour. Best to keep those two worlds apart in his eyes. Not saying that's your situation, but it's worth a thought.

It all seems to be on his terms doesn’t it? If it’s your place then definitely him to leave. Now. If he’s not going to respect your feelings or wishes regarding this then tell him to sling his hook.
He sounds lacklustre and opportunistic.
If he wants you in his life it will be the wake-up call he needs. But please do t allow him to dictate the terms.

I can relate to your situation OP. Mine was, and is to an extent, similar.

Been together 3 years, DP isn't divorced but soon will be, has one adult son from a previous relationship (he and STXW do not have any DCs), we don't live together yet but he stays several nights a week and is fully integrated into and welcomed by my family, including my teenage DCs.

We got together soon after he left his STXW but I was not an OW.

He sounds like he shares some traits with your DP in that he doesn't like to upset people. He felt very guilty about leaving his STBXW because she didn't want the relationship to end. He moved away but his brother and SIL live in the same small town as STBXW and move in the same circles.

It took him two years to tell his brother and son that he was 'seeing someone' by which point we were definitely serious about each other. SIL was uncomfortable knowing he was seeing someone as STBXW was still upset and refused to meet me, which I could understand tbh.

He agreed to tell STBXW who didn't react well and SIL has said the she 'doesn't want to get involved' with DP & I as a couple.

We see DP's son regularly and all is good there.

I've met his brother once but otherwise DP sees him on his own. Logistics mean it would be more difficult for DP and I to meet up with the brother.

SIL is avoiding DP and not responding to texts. At Christmas they (she?) invited DP's son and girlfriend and STBXW for Christmas dinner. That hurt DP. His brother was clearly embarrassed but seems to be equally avoidant in his marriage as DP was in his.

This all seems to me like very childish behaviour from a group of people in their 40's and 50's.

I've been to DP's home town only once when he knew both STBXW and SIL were away. I also suspect that when he sees friends who still see STBXW he minimises 'us' though I know that they do at least know I exist now.

Learning about codependency has helped me to understand DP's behaviour - have a Google and see what you think.

He is having therapy and is very different with me that he was in his marriage but it still hurts that we don't have what I would call a balanced relationship in respect of our families and friends.

He plans to speak with his brother about the situation next time he sees him. That was his idea - it has to come from him. He knows how I feel and wants to do something about it if he can...at last.

I feel your pain.

Are you sure they are actually not still married? Really REALLY sure?
Because you are living like he's having an affair - you can't be seen together in places his friends live? What?

His kids are both adults now, his ex can't block contact or visitation, why the extreme secrecy over threatening to tell her? What does she think he's doing? What do you do over holidays like Christmas, does he tell his ex he spend it in a bedsit all alone while he's actually with you?

The relationship with the ex was turbulent. They broke up several times by his decision. I don’t believe he is emotionally attached to her, we were good friends when his relationship ended so I was aware of what was happening and being said. He confided in me a lot and unless he’s planned on manipulating the scenario of being with me years in the making, there’s no definitely no feelings involved.

I haven’t met the son and haven’t asked to, part of me also feels wrong doing so if the daughter doesn’t know.

He told his family and friends, but the general consensus was that until he tells the daughter/ex that they wouldn’t feel comfortable meeting me as they still have a close friendship with the ex. Some family members have shown interest and have asked to meet me ‘soon’ but not without the daughter or ex knowing first. They spent 20 years building a relationship with the ex. He has spoken to his family since and they’ve acknowledged their attitude towards him during the breakup was unfair and they should have spoken to him before taking sides. However, we can’t tell people who they can or cannot be friends with. I suppose because the children live with her, maybe they feel more inclined to invite her and the children for meals etc as opppsed to him on that basis?

The relationship ended for normal reasons, no one did anything wrong but they were just two different people and he mainly stayed for the sake of keeping the family together. He attempted to end the relationships several times but because of the kids, he always found himself going back. Again, the daughter was quite vicious to him during these times and he’s admitted one of the things he is guilty of is throwing everything at her in the hopes she will accept him and show some form of affection and appreciation. Whenever he returned to the relationship, the daughter made an effort.

He himself hasn’t described it as emotional abuse, the son is the one who likened it to this and to the extent he wanted to move out. To me, what the son was saying sounded like emotional abuse - I have seen the text messages and what the son was saying.

He works locally and I don’t think for a second there’s anything untoward other than the size of his bollocks and inability to be honest with his daughter, I do genuinely believe he is just scared and if the ex/daughter are/we’re manipulative, then I can understand someone’s reluctance as I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship myself and it is difficult, specially if the manipulation, silent treatment or anger is amplified by not getting your own way (which the daughter has done a lot of before).

I don’t believe he is seeing someone else or that I am in fact the OW. It just wouldn’t work logistically, he isn’t secretive, he doesn’t keep his phone to himself and he comes home straight after work and I’ve never felt the need to question it or feel like there is anything wrong in that sense.

I do feel a lot more confident after posting this thread. I think everyone has made extremely valid points and it’s reassured me that I am not being unfair to expect him to tell his daughter or, even to want to put my feelings first. She is an adult, she can deal with her dad moving on and he needs to come to that realisation. Because if it wasn’t me, it would be another woman and the women after that. He cannot continue to live his life to appease his daughter, especially if it means he ends up alone.

I am going to speak to him tonight, I am going to try and make it as constructive as possible whilst also laying down the law. It is impacting our relationship and if he is serious, he will address it immediately. It doesn’t need to be this big thing.

I am conscious of how the daughter will react, in the ideal world - I would want her to turn around and be excited and happy for him, but realistically I do think it will be anything but. He has said previously he is nervous and that he knows she will refuse to talk to him for a very long time, if not years. But again, he is fuelling the fire by giving in to this. If he’s serious about our relationships and the future we’ve discussed, he will speak to her, whether that’s face to face, a phone call or text. If she isn’t making it easy to see her, then he can call or he can text - she can’t escape a text.

If she was a teenager, I could understand but as a mature adult, I don’t think that is a fair reaction on anyone, including herself perhaps.

Carrot I don’t understand why your DP’s STBXW - who he doesn’t have children with - would have to meet you?

The SIL was obvs a friend of his STBXW and has taken her side over your DP - all very normal behaviour in a split.

They were never married.

Again, it all boils down to the daughter. The ex manipulated the daughter during every breakup, so he wants to speak to her first before involving the ex.

For Christmas, we’ve spent it with my family and also his Dad. He doesn’t communicate with the ex very often unless it involves the children. He hasn’t been able to spend time with the children over Christmas or really see them. The son doesn’t care about Christmas and again, the daughter has just been rude and unagreeable to making arrangements.

Another20, yes I think it’s a case of 20 years of friendship and relationship - it’s usual family politics.

He’s admitted to mistakes. He’s admitted that there’s things he should have done or said and in the long term, it’s caused even more problems. He should have spoken to his family, but this opportunity was taken from him. He should have ended his relationship with the ex long before the children reached maturity but he just couldn’t do it. The concept of a broken family = divorce, when actually it can be accomplished by the complete opposite.

I do think it is fear. I don’t believe there’s anything untoward going on, his daughter just has this hold on him and he admits it. Unfortunately, the need to keep some form of relationship with his daughter is at the detriment of his romantic ones and whilst he doesn’t want to hurt anyone, he is.

@another20 I don’t understand why your DP’s STBXW - who he doesn’t have children with - would have to meet you? Sorry if my post was ambiguous - I have no desire to meet his STBXW.

The SIL was obvs a friend of his STBXW and has taken her side over your DP - all very normal behaviour in a split. To the extent that it's coming between brothers (who are the only blood family they each have apart from a child each) in that they can only meet up without their partners and not both be at any family event again ever??? That's not normal behaviour by my standards.

My DP gets on fine with my XH, has met my step kids by my XH, met my XH's sister (with whom I'm still friends) and is included on Christmas cards from my XMIL - that's civilised, grown up behaviour.

Just make sure you aren't wallpapering over a wall of red flags just because they clash with your idea of what you would really like this relationship to be.