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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WTF do I do? *Trigger warning*

117 replies

Twixtdevilanddeepbluesea · 20/02/2019 12:49

I've name changed for this.

My brother is a paedophile, who is in prison and due for release in the next six months.

We've had a phone call from his probation officer this week about what happens after his release. He will inevitably end up living with my parents. Which is where the problem starts.

My mum has been very sucked in by his lies, and his victim complex. She has always seen him as a golden boy and is very much a head in the sand person, and relates his predilection to his MH issues, which is clearly rubbish.

Whilst I acknowledge he has huge MH issues (has attempted suicide more than once) I just want no contact with him. I don't trust him one bit, and never will. I am so angry with the hell he's put everyone through, I can never forgive.

He represents a threat to my kids and they are my priority but I'm stuck in the middle between my parents who want things to be normal and for me to accept my brother again, and me wanting to go NC. I can't because that'll mean NC with my parents, who deserve none of this, and my kids won't see them.

The kids will want to stay with grandparents like all kids do, but clearly can't whilst he's there so that's scuppered a big part of their relationship. My mum will be devastated if I refuse to let them go there, and I still have to have the awkward conversation with the kids to explain what's happened.

I have siblings who feel the same as me, but it's just such a mess. Doing the right thing will hurt innocent people, but I hate that I feel that I'm being manipulated and compromised. Whatever happens there's going to be fallout.....

WTF do I do?!

OP posts:
Peridot1 · 20/02/2019 12:50

You put your dcs safety first. If you and your siblings all feel the same way you will all be saying the same to your parents surely?

lickencivers · 20/02/2019 12:51

You Do exactly what is right for your children's safety.

If it was me I would go NC with the brother. Your parents are adults they can like it or lump it.

Racmactac · 20/02/2019 12:59

I would have thought on his release somebody will be telling your parents that they will not be allowed to have children in their house.
Do not leave your children with their grandparents

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/02/2019 13:02

You have to put your DC first. No visits to grandparents while your brother is there.

You'd never forgive yourself if anything happened to them.

my parents who want things to be normal

As much as they want things to be normal, things are NOT NORMAL!!!! They need to take their heads out of the sand.

My mum will be devastated

Sorry but that's tough. It's her decision.

Doing the right thing will hurt innocent people

Doing anything else puts your kids at risk.

Justmuddlingalong · 20/02/2019 13:02

You need to accept there will be fallout for the right reasons. Then hopefully there will be no fallout for the wrong reasons. If that makes sense.

Original poster
Twixtdevilanddeepbluesea · 20/02/2019 13:15

Thank you.

Yes I think we all accept there's no visits with him around. He'd have to be/move out whilst we visited, which is awkward enough.

But yes, I suppose if my parents accept him back into their house then they accept the consequences of it.

It's shit though. So many innocent BN people having to deal with the fallout from one person's actions.

It's a long, long story but I've had a very arms length relationship with my brother for years. He's always been odd and s social misfit, and I've instinctively had a cool relationship for decades. We have never really got on, which maybe says something for my gut instinct.

OP posts:
Arowana · 20/02/2019 13:19

You don't have to go NC with your brother, but you do need to make sure he never spends any time with your DC. It's good that you have siblings who agree with you. Maybe contact them in advance and agree between you how to approach things with your parents.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 20/02/2019 13:22

Your dps can visit you.
That's your compromise.

Please don't allow your dc there if they say db will be out. Their craving normality may may them lie to you.

HollowTalk · 20/02/2019 13:25

Was he living with your parents when he was offending?

I wouldn't trust your mum to keep the children away from him, if she's minimising his actions, so no, no more babysitting. I think that would apply at your own home if you were away eg overnight, as I don't think she'd stop him from visiting.

Frouby · 20/02/2019 13:26

I would imagine as a condition of his release he won't be allowed near children. Self refer to ss, tell them your concerns and then you can tell your parents ss said x. Saves you being the bad guy.

PlasticPatty · 20/02/2019 13:28

Don't put your children at risk to placate your parents.
DPs might visit you without him. If he shows up while they are there, don't let him in, they can leave. No 'public places' meetings where he could turn up unannounced.
If it seems harsh, imagine how harsh it would be for your children if he had access to them.

Original poster
Twixtdevilanddeepbluesea · 20/02/2019 13:29

He was living elsewhere when offending but clearly needs somewhere to live on release.

I will speak to siblings too. I'm just so upset and angry I feel like I can't think straight. Part of me just wants him to disappear.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 20/02/2019 13:31

This would not be difficult for me, I'd have jack shit to do with him, brother or not; I'd tell my parents I will no longer be visiting their home with him in it, whether I had my kids with me or not.

They know where you are, they can visit your home; I'd also make sure there was no discussion, chat about him whatsoever.

I'd also feel pretty angry at my parents so would probably need a fair bit of time before I even wanted to see them, if at all tbh.

Grumpelstilskin · 20/02/2019 13:31

I would tell the probation officer that there are grandchildren involved. I would assume that he will have certain conditions placed on him, i.e. no contact with kids etc. Maybe that means, he will have to go to some hostel or other accommodation instead. I would certainly report him immediately if he is near kids or around when your DC are there. Alternatively, that would mean NC with the parents for me if they minimise and seek to excuse such horrendous crimes. They are really forcing you down that route. Guess, if they wanted to see your DC, they would have to come to you or meet somewhere safe and neutral without their son.

IncrediblySadToo · 20/02/2019 13:34

I can’t tell you what to do, but I’ll tell you what I’d do.

I would go and visit my patents and explain that IF they CHOOSE to have him living there then they are CHOOSING not to have me or my children visiting them. They would be welcome to visit us. End of. No compromise, no ‘he has to go out’ etc. That’s a slippery slope.

And as sad as it is, I would never again leave my children in my parents care anywhere because they think he’s being treated unfairly and odds on they’d take the opportunity to let him spend time with his nieces and nephews. They will NOT protect them from a risk they do not see as a risk.

I wouldn’t leave the children with them anywhere, anytime, no matter what they promise.

Happyinheels · 20/02/2019 13:36

Nothing is worth more than the safety of your children. It is your job to protect them. You would never forgive yourself if anything happened to them. You need to put them first. Like your parents are doing with their son. They have put you in this difficult position. Your duty is to your children.

StepMuggins · 20/02/2019 13:36

If it was me, I’m almost certain I wouldn’t want any contact with any family member of mine who is a paedophile.

I’d have absolutely no qualms about ignoring him for the rest of my life and ignoring my Mother too. What would you do if he turned up whilst you were at your Mums, even if DC weren’t alone? I’d want to spit on him.

Having been a victim of disgusting actions like these, I would not be going near anyone who could pose a risk to my DC.

I understand the pain as my sister couldn’t cut ties either but we all hated her for it.

Original poster
Twixtdevilanddeepbluesea · 20/02/2019 13:37

I think they're not minimising, well my mum is trying to see the good in him as she always does. My dad is more....aware...

I'll ring the PO back. TBH I want to talk to them about my parents. I think my mum is vulnerable to bring sucked in by his victim complex.

I think I'm going to have to go with my gut instinct which is totally NC with him face to face. I can't avoid him picking up the phone if I ring etc but as far as I'm concerned there is no relationship there. I'd rather he just disappeared off the face of the planet.

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 20/02/2019 13:38

He needs somewhere to live.

It doesn’t have to be at your parents.

There are hostels etc for people released from prison who don’t have other places to go.

If your parents CHOOSE to let him live with them that’s their decision, but they can’t say they weren’t warned of the consequences of making that decision.

It would have a minor impact on me going forward though because my children would NEVER be with them alone whether they let him live there or not. The only difference would be us visiting them together.

FromDespairToHere · 20/02/2019 13:38

It's a simple choice that your parents need to make imo: your brother or you, your DC, your siblings and their DC. They can't have any of you if he lives with them.

IncrediblySadToo · 20/02/2019 13:41

Your parents need to be made very aware of what accepting him into their home will mean for their neighbours, friends, extended family as well. Plus, of course, any targeting of their home by groups, newspapers etc.

TooTrueToBeGood · 20/02/2019 13:42

I wouldn't think twice. My kids safety is paramount and it only takes a single incident to ruin their lives. I would not take any chances with a known paedophile regardless of the relationship, nor would I trust my kids safety to anyone minimising the risk. So, no contact whatsoever with brother and no entrusting the kids to the care of GPs if there is any opportunity to bring them into contact with their uncle.

SummerHouse · 20/02/2019 13:42

Seems like there is no dilemma here. You tell your parents you won't visit them at home. While it is a little sad and a lot unfair, there is no other option. Unless your parents change their minds which seems unlikely.

Original poster
Twixtdevilanddeepbluesea · 20/02/2019 13:43

Yes, I think it's only intended to be temporary....but who knows. It's all in the future and that can't be seen yet.

But I am in agreement with you all. It's how the hell to handle it.

OP posts:
seven201 · 20/02/2019 13:43

Good idea to rig the probation officer.

This is not on you. Your dc absolutely cannot have any relationship with him. I wouldn't have one either. What your parents do is up to them. They can't guilt you into anything and any attempt to try and talk you round must be shut down immediately with "i will never change my mind. If you continue to push this you risk pushing me away forever" then change the subject.