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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WTF do I do? *Trigger warning*

117 replies

Twixtdevilanddeepbluesea · 20/02/2019 12:49

I've name changed for this.

My brother is a paedophile, who is in prison and due for release in the next six months.

We've had a phone call from his probation officer this week about what happens after his release. He will inevitably end up living with my parents. Which is where the problem starts.

My mum has been very sucked in by his lies, and his victim complex. She has always seen him as a golden boy and is very much a head in the sand person, and relates his predilection to his MH issues, which is clearly rubbish.

Whilst I acknowledge he has huge MH issues (has attempted suicide more than once) I just want no contact with him. I don't trust him one bit, and never will. I am so angry with the hell he's put everyone through, I can never forgive.

He represents a threat to my kids and they are my priority but I'm stuck in the middle between my parents who want things to be normal and for me to accept my brother again, and me wanting to go NC. I can't because that'll mean NC with my parents, who deserve none of this, and my kids won't see them.

The kids will want to stay with grandparents like all kids do, but clearly can't whilst he's there so that's scuppered a big part of their relationship. My mum will be devastated if I refuse to let them go there, and I still have to have the awkward conversation with the kids to explain what's happened.

I have siblings who feel the same as me, but it's just such a mess. Doing the right thing will hurt innocent people, but I hate that I feel that I'm being manipulated and compromised. Whatever happens there's going to be fallout.....

WTF do I do?!

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 20/02/2019 13:45

I honestly don't understand what you need to handle? You just tell your parents you can't visit them at home. They will surely understand that??

FizzyGreenWater · 20/02/2019 13:51

Wtf? No you are not stuck in the middle of anything.

Your parents are not 'innocent' if they're choosing to make their lives easier by defending and excusing your brother, and as a result of that putting you in the position where there's an expectation that you'd put your kids at risk.

Absolute shame on them. Your mum needs a sharp wake up call. There's no sitting on the fence here.

I think they're not minimising, well my mum is trying to see the good in him as she always does. My dad is more....aware...

Yes, that would be minimising, then. At the expense of her own daughter and grandchildren.

I would absolutely see the PO and explain in more detail. They would then be able to spell it out more clearly to your parents, the implications of having him live there.

And then you just say, simply, well of course we can't visit you wile he is there and nor would we want to.

SpanielEars070 · 20/02/2019 13:52

I'd ring the Probation Officer and explain about the grandchildren.

And you get your siblings to present a united front to your parents. You all accept their choice to have him there but they have to respect your choice to never visit there, they have to visit you and his presence will never be welcome in your homes. And under no circumstances ever is he to be introduced to any of your DC.

NannyRed · 20/02/2019 13:53

All you have to do is protect your babies. If that hurts your mum, that’s her choice, she has chosen to have the local pedophile live with her.

Take your children for supervised visits, meet up with your parents away from their home or invite them over to your home, but under no circumstances allow the local pedo access to your children.

It’s irrelevant he is your brother, he is a child molester first and foremost and if your mother can’t see the danger then shame on her!

FizzyGreenWater · 20/02/2019 13:53

Your mother is a disgrace btw.

I suppoose the thought of the children her ickle baby boy abused (which I am assuming he must have done, if custodial sentence) just doesn't ever cross her mind, eh?

You have nothing to handle. This will be a mess of her own making and no sane person will feel anything but real shock that she might expect things to work out ok if they take him in.

Juells · 20/02/2019 13:55

It's very straightforward to my mind - if you allow your children to be in a house with a paedophile social services would become involved with you. So you can tell your mother quite truthfully that it's out of your hands 🤷‍♀️

It would be against the terms of his probation, anyway.

AhhhHereItGoes · 20/02/2019 13:55

Innocent people have already been hurt and that's not your parents.

Ifyour parents are truly good people they will accept that you cannot be around brother due to your children. If they make you feel guilty about that then they are making it about them which is the last of anyone's priorities.

Just meet up with Grandma/Grandpa for days out without your brother. As kids become old enough tell them why. Or have your parents to yours for sleepovers.

But honestly if they are being so selfish NC is the best for all of you.

Loseitandkeepitlost · 20/02/2019 14:00

Get the probation officer to speak to your parents and make them understand that their decision will mean that the grandchildren cannot visit. Hopefully that will help your Mum to understand the severity of the situation.

I wouldn’t set foot in their house whilst he was living there. The going out when you’re there won’t work, what happens if he decides to return home during the visit?

Fairenuff · 20/02/2019 14:01

Tell your parents you can't visit their house but they are welcome to visit yours. They will have to accept that if they want him to live with them.

AhhhHereItGoes · 20/02/2019 14:04

Yes to a previous poster. He either committed in person abuse or had a fuckton of high category CP.

Not just someone to MH issues. I have MH issues, I do not do that not have any desire to. It's often yourself you choose to abuse in MH issues, not innocent children.

Original poster
Twixtdevilanddeepbluesea · 20/02/2019 14:08

I think that arrangement is best.

God, how on earth do you tell your kids they can't stay with GP any more? I'm going to have to work out how to tell them the truth but in a way they can understand. Though finding out your uncle is a paedophile is going to really damage them potentially. They love my parents.

My mum isn't a bad person, in fact quite the opposite, she's too nice and understanding. I think she's found this so overwhelmingly awful she's clung onto the hope that things will get better. I can understand that, but equally I have to put my own children first.

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 20/02/2019 14:09

Completely agree with @Adora10

It'd be a no brainer for me choosing my brother over me and the grandchildren

SparklyMagpie · 20/02/2019 14:11
  • my parents choosing my brother over a relationship with me and my children
Outimurs · 20/02/2019 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SparklyMagpie · 20/02/2019 14:18

@Outimurs in what way will the attraction go away? Because you can't change his feelings and urges around children !!

Fraying · 20/02/2019 14:19

You don't need to tell your DCs that their uncle is a convicted paedophile if they are too young to know and understand that information. You just have grandparents visiting at your house from now on. This will be as big or little a drama as you make it.
My friend had a similar situation in her family. They never visited the gp's house again. The gps came to them to see their children.
If any DCs live near your parents, be sure to let the probation officer know eg if there are neighbour's children, communal gardens, etc. They should really have assessed how much possible access to DCs your brother could have.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/02/2019 14:22

I'm so sorry OP.

One thing I would say is that given what you've said about your mum, now he is out I think unsupervised visits to GP are a no-no whether he's living there or not - especially overnights.

She simply wouldn't be a person you could trust to put her GC over her (undoubtedly probably massively manipulative) son. 'I just want to meet my neice/nephew, don't YOU trust me Mum? Twix doesn't have to know'

So staying over with Granny is no longer going to be possible regardless.

Original poster
Twixtdevilanddeepbluesea · 20/02/2019 14:23

I think they are doing.

It's such an awful thing to have to deal with, I was guilty myself of forgetting the impact on families when there's an offender.

I'll ring the PO back and talk with him.

In the meantime me and my siblings need to talk.

OP posts:
howmanyusernames · 20/02/2019 14:24

Your children cannot go to your parents while he is living there, even if he is out as he may 'pop back'. You cannot risk that. Ever.
If your parents choose to have him live there it is THEIR decision to not have contact in their home with your children. Can they not understand what he HAS DONE, why he was put away?! Can they not relate that he could do that to your children too?! Surely they can't be that stupid?

I would 100% go NC with him, you never had a relationship with him, and even if you had this would make me never want to see him again.

Outimurs - WTF????!!!!!!! Are you for real??? Poor paedophiles?! Seriously?? How about the poor fucking kids they have abused? Huh? Did they choose that path? You make me sick. Angry

8misskitty8 · 20/02/2019 14:25

outimurs your post beggars belief..

Op as other posters have said. If he lives with your parents on release then they have to visit your children at your house or meet somewhere.

pregnantforever · 20/02/2019 14:27

I'd tell your parents that you're NC with him, that you respect their decision to support him but they must also accept yours, and the fact it changes things.
I'd tell them they can visit the kids at your house whenever they like but that for as long as brother is living with them that's it, and that hopefully in the future things will be more back to normal when brother is on his feet and kids can stay at grandparents again.

I'd be more bothered my kids weren't at risk than they loose out on a few sleepovers

Ribbonsonabox · 20/02/2019 14:27

It's up to them if they want to try and help him etc.... but it's also up to you whether you want to let your kids around him, as adults they know that.. they've made thier choice to accept him back in and now they need to accept your choice to not let your kids go over there.

You dont need to feel guilty. It's not your fault and you are only doing what most other people would do to protect your children.

Tell them they are welcome to come and see your children at yours without him. But that you dont want your children around him and so they are not going to be coming to their house. It doesn't matter whether they say he will be there at the time or not (often GPS lie about this and I wouldn't take the risk tbh) they are not going to be going to their house whilst he is living there.

Your parents might react angrily at first and try to emotionally manipulate you... you should try and prepare for that but at the end of the day of they gave chosen to have him living with them they will have to accept this setup or not see their grandkids at all.

Original poster
Twixtdevilanddeepbluesea · 20/02/2019 14:28

I do believe it's a brain wiring thing. He can't change it any more than a gay person can become straight.

Thank you all. You are making this seem clearer and helping me see what I need to do, even if that makes me unpopular.

I can see him attempting suicide and blaming me and my siblings for making things unbearable for him. It's the kind of shit he pulls.

OP posts:
EstrellaDamn · 20/02/2019 14:29

Surely if there was contact between him and your children SS would have something to say about it?

It is sad for your children but NC all round is the only way to keep them safe I think.

TheStarOnTheChristmasTree · 20/02/2019 14:30

I was in a similar position years ago except that my brother didn't live with my parents after leaving prison. But my parents minimised his behaviour and I knew that if the DC were at their house and my brother called in my parents would have happily left him with the DC whilst they popped out, made a cuppa,etc. I didn't even want photographs of my DC displayed in their house where my brother could see them. I've been no contact with the whole family for more than 10 years now as they all supported him. Small price to pay for my DC's safety!