WTF do I do? *Trigger warning*

[Twixtdevilanddeepbluesea]

I've name changed for this.

My brother is a paedophile, who is in prison and due for release in the next six months.

We've had a phone call from his probation officer this week about what happens after his release. He will inevitably end up living with my parents. Which is where the problem starts.

My mum has been very sucked in by his lies, and his victim complex. She has always seen him as a golden boy and is very much a head in the sand person, and relates his predilection to his MH issues, which is clearly rubbish.

Whilst I acknowledge he has huge MH issues (has attempted suicide more than once) I just want no contact with him. I don't trust him one bit, and never will. I am so angry with the hell he's put everyone through, I can never forgive.

He represents a threat to my kids and they are my priority but I'm stuck in the middle between my parents who want things to be normal and for me to accept my brother again, and me wanting to go NC. I can't because that'll mean NC with my parents, who deserve none of this, and my kids won't see them.

The kids will want to stay with grandparents like all kids do, but clearly can't whilst he's there so that's scuppered a big part of their relationship. My mum will be devastated if I refuse to let them go there, and I still have to have the awkward conversation with the kids to explain what's happened.

I have siblings who feel the same as me, but it's just such a mess. Doing the right thing will hurt innocent people, but I hate that I feel that I'm being manipulated and compromised. Whatever happens there's going to be fallout.....

WTF do I do?!

Probation have a duty to notify social services of a person soon to be released due to those reason if they will be near close relatives with young children.

I completed an assessment with a family recently who's relative is a pedophile and he may have been having access to the young children in the family due to parents not feeling he was a threat. Therefore the parental capacity of those parents was in doubt.

You have a duty to protect your children or social services may become involved.

Exactly, I know that.

I don't want SS involved either.

Just to add if he even so much as tells his probation officer that the grandmother takes care of the children and he lives with the grandmother. Then ss will become involved

Dont be dragged into it, hes a grown man and not your responsibility.
Your parents may feel he is their responsibility... and thats up to them... but it obviously comes with the cost that they will not be having the children round their house.
Your primary concern are your children. Anyone reasonable will realise that. Your brother and his welfare are not your priority. Dont let any of these people try and emotionally manipulate you... keeping your children completely away from that house whilst he lives there is the right thing to do. Any outsider would tell you that...

I agree with @Outimurs in that they don't choose to have these feelings as no onecreally would.

But if you do have these feelings the onus is on you to seek help and have no contact with children.

I think it's utterly shocking that your DP's even WANT to have anything to do with him. He ABUSED innocent children. He's a pedophile. I love my DS but my word I could never ever forgive him if he was a child molester. Your DP are practically putting him before you and your DC- decent people. Do they have mental health issues too? Must do . As PP have mentioned he doesn't HAVE to live with your DP's there are hostels etc, preferably a desert island in the middle of nowhere... bizarre they're putting him first.
Put yourself and your kids first and tell them in no uncertain terms will you step foot in the house all the time he takes up residence there. Maybe if you and your siblings put on a united front they'll reconsider their choices...

I agree with @Outimurs* in that they don't choose to have these feelings as no onecreally would.

But if you do have these feelings the onus is on you to seek help and have no contact with children.*

And it is the responsibility of those who know someone is a danger to children to make sure they don’t get the opportunity. Do your parents genuinely believe that he is not a risk to their own grandchildren? If they are willing to take the risk they are not fit to care for them.

I hope so too.

I suspect the family at large is saying nothing because my parents have been to hell and back and they want to support them. I'm sure if asked they'd be quite happy to go NC with my brother.

Both have, unsurprisingly, been ill. Mum had a heart scare and is on ADs. She operates entirely out if FOG. Dad is ok but I worry about him. Nobody in the family has even been divorced in the past, it's basically detonated a bomb under everyone.

I agree entirely with NC with him and keeping GP visits to here.

Rather than seeing this as one big issue, see it as a series of small ones. This will let you calibrate your response.

Your parents want the kids to stay with them while your brother is there? Clearly and absolutely a NO. There is absolutely no relenting on that boundary, and they must understand that this is a direct consequence of their residency choices.

You want to go NC with your brother but to keep contact with your parents? This is possible. You just need to state your preferences clearly, and walk away from any attempt to blackmail you into changing them. They are separate relationships and it should be perfectly possible to maintain one and not hte other. Also, be imaginative about when and how you meet up - your parents will need to come to you more, or you will need to meet up outside of their house.

I suspect that it might be helpful for you to agree a series of boundaries with your siblings who do feel the same, and to present them as a fait accompli, all together.

God, how on earth do you tell your kids they can't stay with GP any more?

Easy. Just say now Uncle X is living there, there isn't room so they will come and visit your house instead. Unless they've got 15 bedrooms and then you'll have to come up with something else. But, as long as they still see GPs, will it worry them to see them at your home rather than staying with them?

And, assuming your other siblings also have children, you all really need to present a united front (and no one weaken when needing GPs to babysit etc.).

It is very easy to say what you would do when the situation isn’t happening to you. I imagine this is incredibly tough on your parents and your mum is probably wanting to act like everything is normal as it’s a lot easier than coming to terms with what her son has done and is capable of. Your priority is your children so do what you need to keep them safe. Your parents probably feel a duty of care to take him into their home and I imagine it’s the last thing they want to do knowing it will effect having their grandchildren over. Speak to the probation officer and find out what his restrictions are for a start. Then speak to your mum about the official restrictions and also what you need in place. This must be incredibly tough on all of you

Thank you. That's exactly it. My parents deserve none of this. They've spent untold money on his legal costs I'd imagine. They need to be more selfish but they feel an obligation towards him I think.

I'm so angry with my brother. I'm not sure I can see him as I'll lose my temper.

In terms of talking to your parents about it, you can just fall back on The Rules. If SS were to find out that your children were in the company of your brother, they would start to take an interest in your family and they would insist that you protected your children, probably by never seeing him (so you don't have to lie). You don't need to talk about what kind of person he is, just mention his conviction and the rules surrounding that. So the rules already in place are enough- just blame them and don't get drawn into a discussion about what is reasonable and what isn't. You can insist that you aren't judging him, it's just that you don't want him to be accused of anything again and you don't want to have to fend of social workers.

PP's suggestion to tell your kids that there isn't room at their grandparents' house now Uncle is living there is a good one, I think. They won't miss him because they haven't seen him since his conviction anyway. You parents may choose not to visit at your house, but that's on them.

I can see him attempting suicide and blaming me and my siblings for making things unbearable for him. It's the kind of shit he pulls.

🤷🏻‍♀️

So, let him.

To be TOTALLY honest, I’d be fine with him succeeding.

That aside, none of that matters.

Your children, all children, need protecting from him. If your parents want to support him, that’s their call. I do understand them, he’s their child no matter what he has done. However, your parents and I would g about this VERY differently, but I can see my Mum being like your Mum if this was my brother. The golden child can never do anything wrong, it’s always someone else’s fault and he never means to do anything wrong. 🙄

In your mind keep all this very very simple and it will help you enormously.

The situation is NOT simple - in your posts you are all over the place considering everyone's feelings and past actions and that's understandable - but you need to keep on reminding yourself that going forward your actions are all based on one simple basic premise:

Your kids don't go to their house anymore.

Different situations will arise, this birthday, that celebration, he's out can you pop in so they can give you x, y z, he's out can you drop off x, y, z, Christmas, (!God forbid he's still there by then), anniversaries, other guests there who want to see you, ect.. For each and every one of these your mum will probably 'forget' the rules and ask for the kids to come over. Each and every time you'll have to repeat: ''No mum, i'm not bringing them to yours while DB lives there remember?'', and then change the subject or announce the days they can come to you instead. Prepare for it because that's how it's going to go.

Sad, but keep it simple.
for you and all the innocents in this.

Just tell the children that uncle x is a bad person and you don’t want to be around bad people. Doesn’t need to be complicated, when older they’ll learn the truth.

I don’t see the problem- go NC with brother and have parents visit you instead of you visiting them

How old are your DCs OP? (sorry if you've said and i've missed it).

Their age will make a big difference as to how you pitch this to them.

Very young and obvs. you can brush it away easily with no room at nan's anymore ect.

Older - 7 and up ?? - i'd be trying to tell them the truth. In a child friendly way. Smoke and mirrors can stir up more fear in a child than being honest and saying something like ''Uncle X has been in trouble and Nan and Grandad are letting him stay at their house but we don't want to meet up with him anymore so Nan and Grandad come to our house now''.

Nc with him
Parents only visit you at your house
Use mobile number instead of house phone
Tell them your reasons clearly and directly. Your dc come first.

Your parents are NOT innocent here. They are willing to put YOUR children at risk. So fuck them.

Sadly it sounds as though your parents have made their choice. Maybe you could arrange to take the GPS and your DCs on days out a few times a year so that your DCs have some contact with them (excluding bro obviously).

Probation and social services were involved when my nephew was released from prison to his Nanas house. They were aware she has a few visiting grandchildren and that some regularly slept over. Nephew was in prison for violence, not children or sexual. The rules were that no children under 18 were allowed unsupervised in the house and never to stay the night. I would've thought they would set much stricter rules for a peadophile

Do you think your parents feel a sense of responsibility - they helped create who he is so they need to take him back in and 'fix' things? It's not quite right, but I can see how the trauma of your child doing something awful night lead to that sort of thinking.

Not that it matters. The bottom line is you need to do whatever it takes to put your kids first. It must be heartbreaking that tour parents don't want to join you in that.

They do absolutely consider the GCs but they're stuck too. I think they do feel responsible for him and that they can make sure he's behaving if he's there. They're in a really difficult position. Which is why I don't want to make things harder.

My kids are 11, 8 and 5 so a mix. I'm going to have to say about how we can't stay there because there are rules we have to obey whilst uncle is living there because he has been in prison and so rules are set to keep everyone safe, and that includes them.

The kids would always be there with me, but I'm wary of overnights even we me in the house unless I was in sane room, which is logistically impossible.

I'll look into local air BnB options we could stay in.

Agree that your children should have no contact at all with your brother, he can't be a "known" person to them - it will be dangerous for them to have a person in their trusted, family circle who is actually not trustworthy and can groom them if he sees them on street etc.

Parents can visit at yours, but if at all possible, children not being left with them. I am not sure them talking about Uncle X might break down that barrier in their minds, so if they bump into Uncle X with parents in public/dropoff, he is already someone "known" to them.

Depending on age of child, I would try to be honest and say Uncle X has been in prison as he has done wrong things. Grandparents love him and have given him a place to stay until he gets on his own two feet, but he is not a person we want you to meet/get to know.

I think denial that Uncle X exists, no reference to him at all may backfire at some point...