WTF do I do? *Trigger warning*

[Twixtdevilanddeepbluesea]

I've name changed for this.

My brother is a paedophile, who is in prison and due for release in the next six months.

We've had a phone call from his probation officer this week about what happens after his release. He will inevitably end up living with my parents. Which is where the problem starts.

My mum has been very sucked in by his lies, and his victim complex. She has always seen him as a golden boy and is very much a head in the sand person, and relates his predilection to his MH issues, which is clearly rubbish.

Whilst I acknowledge he has huge MH issues (has attempted suicide more than once) I just want no contact with him. I don't trust him one bit, and never will. I am so angry with the hell he's put everyone through, I can never forgive.

He represents a threat to my kids and they are my priority but I'm stuck in the middle between my parents who want things to be normal and for me to accept my brother again, and me wanting to go NC. I can't because that'll mean NC with my parents, who deserve none of this, and my kids won't see them.

The kids will want to stay with grandparents like all kids do, but clearly can't whilst he's there so that's scuppered a big part of their relationship. My mum will be devastated if I refuse to let them go there, and I still have to have the awkward conversation with the kids to explain what's happened.

I have siblings who feel the same as me, but it's just such a mess. Doing the right thing will hurt innocent people, but I hate that I feel that I'm being manipulated and compromised. Whatever happens there's going to be fallout.....

WTF do I do?!

SS may become involved regardless. Your children will form part of the risk assessment. Schools are certainly made aware of dangerous family members who children must not be allowed contact with.

You say you have other siblings? It would be good to show a united front to your parents.

That comment about the OP as a waste of oxygen is absolutely uncalled for.

"It would be good to show a united front to your parents."

This, in spades. Also, you need to be absolutely clear - perhaps even to state in writing - about the rules and boundaries that will be in place, and the fact that these are absolutely non-negotiable. Making it clear that there are institutions involved in monitoring this, with serious consequences should rules be flouted, is vital. It sounds as though your parents need a bit of a wake up call about the seriousness of any boundary breach.

@adultsshoukdeatrusks thank you for your helpful contribution kindly shove it up your arse

@Graphista I'm not conflating the two. I merely said a person cannot chsnge their inherent wiring, it is what it is. Doesn't make my brother acceptable.

I'm really seeing how vile some people on here are. I totally understand about NC, its what I'll be doing but until you're in the situation its fecking hard to understand how difficult and utterly gutwrenching it is to have your family blown apart like this.

To thos of you who have been helpful and considered, thank you. You've given me enough strength to work out what I'm going to say and do, and a sensible rationale behind it.

I know what you were meaning - doesn't make it any less offensive

I couldn't prosecute as no evidence. My word against his.

I was worried about this when I reported sexual abuse to the police a few years ago. They said the evidence would be my testimony, and that that was enough. Don't assume that as there's no physical evidence, nothing can be done.

They'll promise he's not going to be there, that they'll keep a close eye, that they won't leave the kids alone with him... But because they don't accept there IS a risk you can't trust that they'll stick to any of this. And abuse can and does occur under adult supervision.

Indeed. I was abused right in front of my mother, and I'm not sure she even realised what was happening. The only way to prevent a paedophile from abusing a child is to ensure there is no contact whatsoever. Not supervised, not even phone calls. Nothing.

Not an assumption - told by police and solicitors. It's incredibly hard to get a conviction even when there is evidence.

Yep I was groped etc in front of mum too, not sure if she genuinely didn't see or if she just doesn't want to acknowledge.

Graphista I'm so sorry this happened bro you.

The victims in this have to have the loudest voices. That's what makes me feel sick. Even though in my brother's case it was online, it must have been bad and the victims are as damaged as any other CSA victims.

The family left behind in all this are victims too. I am really hoping my kids will not be scarred by this. I will have to talk to their schools about it. Bringing CSA into their lives at close quarters may be really damaging, particularly the older ones. I will seek advice as to how we talk to them about it.

It's such a bloody mess. Parents acting out of guilt(?) and sense of obligation I think, which is in its way admirable but I don't think they have a clue how awful it might be for them. They don't deserve that but I can see they are choosing it, though not willingly.

I will seek some counseling for myself too. This has been awful. Trying to do right by others means you come last and I can't 'protect' my parents. They have to make choices and live with them, as do I.

I cannot and will not put my kids at risk though.

I've been in your shoes, or in a similar position. My DSis and I suffered SA as children at the hands of our F and others, and our DB also played a part in it. He was a victim, too, and now has deep-seated MH issues.

My DM has always stood by him, blames herself for all his difficulties. I can't bear to be around him and we haven't had him in our house for a long time. There's no reason to believe he's a danger to our DDs as an adult, but the idea of him being near them makes me very uncomfortable. (The memories were repressed for years hence why he did come to visit in the past.)

He isn't comfortable around kids, so visits here were always uncomfortable anyway. When our DDs have sleepovers with Granny, she knows not to allow him to visit.

It's more clearcut in your case that your brother shouldn't be trusted, and if you can't trust your DM not to have him in the house when your DC are there, you must protect your DC and that means there can be no sleepovers.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. But you're handling it in the right way by protecting your DC, they will always be your priority.

Thank you.

I think you're right. I love my parents but I'm not sure I can trust DM not to let brother 'drop in' if we are visiting, I'd have to stay with kids all the time. In the past when we stayed I've left them to have an outing with GP whilst i have an hour or two catch up with old friends etc as obviously they're fine with GP at the moment. That cannot happen in the future. I cannot guarantee no contact unless I am there.

Sigh. It's such a mess. But one I will have to navigate and I fear I will upset people along the way....but my kids come first. And tbh it's a bloody good reason never to speak to my brother again. I haven't feelings towards him. This just makes it easier in a way.

My feelings towards my DB are more complex. It's very triggering being around him because of what happened when we were children, but I also know he was a victim too, and his life has been completely destroyed by what happened.

Also, my DM always taught me to feel that it was my responsibility to 'look out' for him if she was away (she's away in Africa regularly!), but I've now learnt to say no. (She sometimes plays on my heartstrings still.) My DSis moved far away with her family sensibly!

My ex was a risk to my dd. His dad went from outraged and shocked to minimising quite quickly. That meant I supervised every time she saw her grandpa. Because I couldn’t trust that he wouldn’t let my ex come and see her.
He died rather tragically a few years ago, but even if he hadn’t that would never have changed. I facilitated a controlled relationship but I would never have allowed an element of risk to my child.

I am so sorry for your situation. And yes online content still has victims. They wouldn’t be made if there wasn’t a market. Your brother is a consumer of a economy that trades in abuse, pain and ruins the lives of countless children. There are no guarantees that he wouldn’t re enact what he has seen. Also a custodial sentence means he has been viewing very disturbing content. Stay the fuck away.

I'd go nc I wouldn't even let my kids visit the house - even if he has gone out.
I'd only meet you parents out and about or at your house.
Your right about all the victims out there. It must be scary to know he will be released soon!
Can't imagine what your going through as it's too hard to even comprehend! I'm sorry for your family and the victims!

Op have you just changed your name?

I’m not completely in the same situation as it’s my sis who was extremely violent to me right up until I moved out of the family home. Everyone in my family tells me she was only violent to me and won’t be to my young dd despite this, I went nc and refused her seeing my dd unless I was present and asked my mum respects this.

Without me knowing my mum was letting it dd free to be with my sis every time mum babysat and simply not telling me. As soon as dd was old enough she started talking about my sis and the game was up. When I said to my mum what’s happening because I asked her not to leave dd with sis due to her (extreme) violent ways that weren’t that long ago and I know it wasn’t just to me, my mum said I was being silly and she was fine.

So I am now nc with mum and sis. I find it much easier tbh. My mum was my only childcare and I’ve had to give up work but you know what, your dc need to know their mum will always protect them even if it means some sacrifice all round.

Your dc come first without exception. You might look back and say ah maybe I was paranoid but better than saying fuck fuck fuck and never forgiving yourself if something happens imo.

I've worked in homelessness supporting offenders back in to the community. I would expect probation to work with housing services and social services to put a safety plan in place. Have you been offered this? I'd push for it or contact social services myself if I were you

If going completely NC is not an option I would ask if the Probation Officer could sit down and facilitate a face to face conversation between you, your siblings (the non-offender ones), and your parents. Do a bit of safety planning.

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this, you don’t deserve any of it. 💐

I agree entirely with NC with him and keeping GP visits to here

You're very wise, OP; ghastly as this is for everyone, you've clearly realised there's no way you can trust your DM to keep them apart when she feels as she does, and that will be painful

I won't go on about the importance of putting your DCs first because you're wise in understanding that too. I'm sure you'll enable contact at your place, but if your DM gets sicker you might want to plan how to handle things if she's no longer able to travel - or worse, if she starts emotional blackmail about reconciling with your DB "while I'm still here"

Another point is the likely reaction of your DPs' neigbours, social contacts, etc, if they discover what DB has done. Choosing to house him could come back to bite your DPs, and while that's not your problem in itself, it's perhaps worth considering what you'll say if they whine about people avoiding them - or even pressure you to visit because "that would show them he's okay really"

None of this is easy, but you're going the right way about it and I wish you only the very best

Look up stop it now helpline. They have experts that can provide advice and help to families of men convicted of this stuff.