Not sure if I over reacted?

[Amibeingcrazy]

I have no idea if I have over reacted? I need some clarity. This is long sorry

Background:
Dh and I mid 30s 2 dds 9&12, together 17 years.

My dh had a short lived affair 8 years ago it was during an incredibly bad time for us. we split up but with significant counselling got back together again and moved on with life.

Then Christmas of 2017 I found messages on his phone nothing untoward but texts to a colleague that I felt uncomfortable with. It was with a colleague that I had asked him not to message I was really hurt and we ended up splitting up again. we went back to counselling but this time it didn’t work we planned to separate in September 2018. By this point were actually were getting on ok I love him desperately but I couldn’t make it work I just felt betrayed. Then everything went wrong he was made suddenly redundant, my grandparents died and the cherry on the top dh was diagnosed with cancer. I was devastated and I guess everything was put into perspective I supported him and everything just fell away we communicated better we were really happy again.

We were the happiest we have been in years this weekend he went away for a stag do that he was best man for I helped plan it and I was excited for him as he’s never been a best man- he organised an amazing weekend. I went away with my friend for the weekend and then last night he brought our children to join us at the cottage we hired. (Friend went home)

When he was planning the stag me and the bride said no strippers nothing like that not because of cheating or jealousy but because both of us feel quite strongly about a) Its goes directly against our beliefs and objectifies women etc b) the type of men who go to strip clubs are not the type of men we want to associate with. I understand not every feels like this but I do and dh knew my stance.

So dh was away we kept in touch he sent me
lots of photos all good. He messages me to say oh they ended up in a hooters (whilst in hooters) I said you know how I feel about those place he says I know it’s actually really grim and they left after one drink.

I am really excited to see him I missed him and can’t wait to spend the rest of the week with our family. He gets here late last night we unpack then he says oh btw as part of the stag do we went to the red light district and went to a sex show and the stag was took on stage and ‘humiliated’ on stage by a dominatrix.(the night before the hooters) I absolutely lost it in a way I never have before not because of the sex show but because he totally disregarded my feelings and did something the only thing I specifically asked him not to do. I chucked all of his stuff in a bag and told him to go home chucked him out and went to bed. I am furious, seriously mad he knew I wouldn’t like he knew it would upset me but he did it anyway because it was ‘a laugh’ I just don’t matter do I? He has no respect for me. He just does exactly as he wants regardless of me. He also knew if he told me before he arrived I would have gone mad and told him not to come.

His next lot of treatment starts soon and it’s a lot a major op and radiation. Without the cancer he would be gone but I can hardly put him out on the street can I? He has no real family and no where to go. My lovely dds don’t deserve anymore pain. On a side note I never behave emotionally I normally am calm and never make rash or ‘dramatic’ decisions but now I am 3 hours from home with 2 kids and a dog in the middle of nowhere with no car and no way of doing any of the things I had planned with dds this week. We are literally in a field down country lanes with nothing for several miles.

Am I overreacting/reading too much into this? Also it’s my official birthday tomorrow but I don’t celebrate it because 3 people I loved dearly died on/around my birthday 2 very suddenly and young and one too young and in horrible circumstances so it’s a week of quite tragic anniversaries. I hate feb with a passion but I thought this one was actually going to be ok.

He’s there because he’s got cancer?
He’s never going to change cancer or no cancer.
End it.
He can deal with his own problems himself.
He can shag around but you have to support his shitty arse???

This is an awful situation and FWIW I do not believe you over-reacted. I just wanted to offer you a bit of a handhold and some .

I would have reacted the same way as you. He sounds vile!

He's just using you now he's got cancer. He's no respect for you at all.

Thank you I know he’s never going to change he’s had every chance every opportunity. I just don’t know how to move forward he has no job we are just getting by as it is. Where would he go it’s ok saying he can sort it out himself but he’s my dds dad they adore him and he’s really sick. (Not terminal and very good prognosis after his treatments)

If it's any consolation, I would probably allow him to stay in the spare room until his treatment finishes, then boot him out.

FWIW I think you're getting mad over the wrong thing. Telling him not to go to a strip club (or whatever) for his friends stag is controlling and unreasonable. It's not your place to decide what the stags do or don't do.

However, I would definitely have said something along the lines of "I hope you're not going to go to a strip club - and left it at that.

I suspect your anger here is a deflection of all the other crap stuff he's done, along with his general attitude, and the very sad anniversaries you mention. He's not supporting you or loving you and it sounds like you've had enough.

Another FWIW, I supported my exDH through a very serious illness and waited until he recovered before ending the marriage. It was very, very hard. I would try to hang on until he's finished his treatment if you can.

It’s not where he went it’s that he knew I wouldn’t like it and did it anyway. I hate all of this I am exhausted it was supposed to be a lovely getaway for us after a horrible 6 months. I take no issue with people who are happy to go to place like that it’s just I don’t want to be married to someone who disregards my feelings and does what he likes,

After 17 years together I would show some compassion but make it clear he ever does anything like that again it’s over for good.
He knew your reaction yet still wanted to be honest with you which I think is a good thing.

Can you afford to hire a car, they can probably bring it to you? That would solve the immediate problem of being stranded.

It sounds like too much has gone on and his illness isn't a reason to stay in the relationship. I would look at ways of separating. It's not a straight choice between kicking him out on the streets and staying in a relationship - you can separate but stay in the same house / he could move out but you could still support him with visits/hospital appointments. There are options.

After 17 years together I would show some compassion He's cheated before, so it's more a case that the OP is being expected to be endlessly forgiving.

I take no issue with people who are happy to go to place like that it’s just I don’t want to be married to someone who disregards my feelings and does what he likes.

Sorry, but this sounds really controlling to me. Obviously you should expect your DP to take your feelings into account, but your feelings don’t trump his wants and feelings. You didn’t want him to go to the strip club on the stag, he obviously wanted to stay as part of the group and join the other stags with the activity - why do your feelings trump his in this situation? No partner should be trying to control the other’s activities or coerce then into doing or not doing things based on their feelings.

If this is a dealbreaker for you and you’re unable to be with a man who would visit a strip club then of course that’s your decision, but I don’t think your DP has done anything wrong in this situation. If this is what makes you realise your morals/ ethics are incompatible then by all means leave him for that, but don’t leave him because he ‘disobeyed’ your attempts at controlling his behaviour or because you tried to force your moral code around strip clubs onto him.

That’s exactly it he thinks he can do whatever he likes and there are no consequences that I will just tow the line and get over it. He sat outside for 2 hrs last night because he was so sure I would just let him back in.
I feel so desperate so alone, I hate that he has the power to do this to make me feel so utterly worthless so utterly heart broken. I haven’t slept a minute and I can’t stop crying which is totally unlike me I never cry but I feel broken. The left 3 years have just been battle after battle one crisis
after another not in our marriage but in life which feels like a soap opera. despite his diagnosis I felt finally it was beginning to look up I felt genuinely happy for the first time in a long time then crash.

I'm also a bit unsure about this, that he's not allowed to go with his friends, because you said no. Personally I also think it's a bit grim, but it wouldn't be a relationship ended for me, nor would I tell my husband what he can and cannot do. On stag nights they tend to go with thr group and if they were drunk, well, I'm not sure I'd go nuts over it. It's not like it's a regular occurance.

I think as you do love him and want to be with him, I'd take s step back and try to put it into perspective.

It's not controlling to have boundaries and dealbreakers.

He is at liberty to go to strippers, but she doesn't have to stay in a relationship with him if he does. He knows how she feels about it, so his choice is risk damaging or ending the relationship by going to see strippers, or not. He made his choice, now she makes hers.

Did you expect him to tell his mates he wasn't allowed in and had to wait outside?
Genuinely asking what you wanted him to do?

Yes, I'm curious as to what you expected him to do.? Say he had to back to the hotel because his wife wouldn't let him go?

I think it's also fine to have boundaries, but when they extend to telling someone what is permitted behaviour on a weekend when you're not there, then it's maybe going too far. This isn't cheating, it was a stupid drunken stag night thing.

Is it controlling? It’s not where he went that’s irrelevant it’s the fact he knew it was somewhere I specifically asked him not to. That my very strong feelings about it were ‘trumped’ by wanting to have a laugh with people he barely knows. Yes it makes me feel our ethics don’t line up that he could so easily disregard me views. I really didn’t think he would disrespect me like that when he and everyone I know knows my views on this.

Your view MYNEWBEAR however is how half of me feels that if he thinks it ok then it’s not my place to dictate to him and if roles were reversed I wouldn’t want him to dictate to me. But I am still floored by it all so upset he behaved like this it’s like he’s a different person when I am not there and I don’t like that person at all.

OP - I am with you about your DH's blatant disregard for doing what you had asked him not to. Your behaviour isn't controlling, it's just setting boundaries you are comfortable with.

He disregarded you about this and also disregarded you when you asked him not to contact his colleague. He had an affair when you had a young baby to care for. He hasn't really got much going for him at all.

I think the word 'cancer' shocks us all but, just because he has it, doesn't mean he's had a personality transplant. I wouldn't stay with him just because he has it.

Just take it out of the equation and decide whether you want him around based on everything else.

He is not your responsibility. If he had nowhere to go he would be given priority status and probably emergency accommodation by the local council, especially with his medical issue. Besides, can't he go and stay with one of his friends from the stag do who he clearly has a lot in common with?

Given he was the Best Man, he was not helpless in the face of other people's choices/peer pressure . Part of the role is planning and leading the stag night activities.

We have all bowed to peer pressure at some point in our lives. Cut him some slack.

I doubt it's people he hardly knows if he is best man. And as a pp said, we have all bowed to peer pressure before.

And yes it is a bit controlling to tell someone what they are and are not permitted to do.

In this particular situation I think you've overreacted. You don't own him. It's not really on to tell another adult they CANNOT do something. It's controlling.

Probably you should have ended it after his affair.