Not sure if I over reacted?

[Amibeingcrazy]

I have no idea if I have over reacted? I need some clarity. This is long sorry

Background:
Dh and I mid 30s 2 dds 9&12, together 17 years.

My dh had a short lived affair 8 years ago it was during an incredibly bad time for us. we split up but with significant counselling got back together again and moved on with life.

Then Christmas of 2017 I found messages on his phone nothing untoward but texts to a colleague that I felt uncomfortable with. It was with a colleague that I had asked him not to message I was really hurt and we ended up splitting up again. we went back to counselling but this time it didn’t work we planned to separate in September 2018. By this point were actually were getting on ok I love him desperately but I couldn’t make it work I just felt betrayed. Then everything went wrong he was made suddenly redundant, my grandparents died and the cherry on the top dh was diagnosed with cancer. I was devastated and I guess everything was put into perspective I supported him and everything just fell away we communicated better we were really happy again.

We were the happiest we have been in years this weekend he went away for a stag do that he was best man for I helped plan it and I was excited for him as he’s never been a best man- he organised an amazing weekend. I went away with my friend for the weekend and then last night he brought our children to join us at the cottage we hired. (Friend went home)

When he was planning the stag me and the bride said no strippers nothing like that not because of cheating or jealousy but because both of us feel quite strongly about a) Its goes directly against our beliefs and objectifies women etc b) the type of men who go to strip clubs are not the type of men we want to associate with. I understand not every feels like this but I do and dh knew my stance.

So dh was away we kept in touch he sent me
lots of photos all good. He messages me to say oh they ended up in a hooters (whilst in hooters) I said you know how I feel about those place he says I know it’s actually really grim and they left after one drink.

I am really excited to see him I missed him and can’t wait to spend the rest of the week with our family. He gets here late last night we unpack then he says oh btw as part of the stag do we went to the red light district and went to a sex show and the stag was took on stage and ‘humiliated’ on stage by a dominatrix.(the night before the hooters) I absolutely lost it in a way I never have before not because of the sex show but because he totally disregarded my feelings and did something the only thing I specifically asked him not to do. I chucked all of his stuff in a bag and told him to go home chucked him out and went to bed. I am furious, seriously mad he knew I wouldn’t like he knew it would upset me but he did it anyway because it was ‘a laugh’ I just don’t matter do I? He has no respect for me. He just does exactly as he wants regardless of me. He also knew if he told me before he arrived I would have gone mad and told him not to come.

His next lot of treatment starts soon and it’s a lot a major op and radiation. Without the cancer he would be gone but I can hardly put him out on the street can I? He has no real family and no where to go. My lovely dds don’t deserve anymore pain. On a side note I never behave emotionally I normally am calm and never make rash or ‘dramatic’ decisions but now I am 3 hours from home with 2 kids and a dog in the middle of nowhere with no car and no way of doing any of the things I had planned with dds this week. We are literally in a field down country lanes with nothing for several miles.

Am I overreacting/reading too much into this? Also it’s my official birthday tomorrow but I don’t celebrate it because 3 people I loved dearly died on/around my birthday 2 very suddenly and young and one too young and in horrible circumstances so it’s a week of quite tragic anniversaries. I hate feb with a passion but I thought this one was actually going to be ok.

I don't think my DH would forgive me if I did this. It's his boundary and I'd respect it. Really surprised by the answers on this thread to be honest.

I agree with moving. I would be devastated.

However whether its a split up issue have been mentioned up thread.
He wasn't on stage himself, it was a stag night and he actually told you.

I despise the whole lads lads lads culture and the woman as objects so I totally understand your feelings.

However I was at a hen doo recently and the bridesmaids had arranged a butler in the buff. I hate this too. Did I leave? No I didn't cause a fuss. We were at a hired cottage so I just sat at the back and didn't do any games. However I totally understand the peer expectation. I wasn't proud if my hypocrisy.

I think the affair would have been the deal breaker for me and maybe that has tarnished your relationship and now any negative just pushes you away even more.

The OP wasn't being controlling at all, she was making a request about something that she didn't like, that objectified women and made her feel uncomfortable. If her DH can't respect these feelings above a one off stag do then he shows enormous weakness and disregard. Ultimately I would question whether I want to be with a man who shows such disrespect, doesn't sound like a path to happiness to me and I wish her luck with working things out.

Perhaps some of you should read the posts on here by people who are being really being controlled eg. what to wear, when to see friends and family etc A woman (or man) should be able to view an opinion on what she might not like her partner to do (for good reason) without being labelled a control freak.

Also, it bugs the hell out of me when people use booze as an excuse for poor behaviour. Get a grip, grow up and don't drink so much you don't know what you're doing.

All the best to you OP, hope things work out well in whatever way, for you.

I don't think you over reacted OP - you've been clear with H about your boundaries, and he's ignored them.

And I fail to see what's innocuous about a live sex show where the chances are high that trafficking and or drugs has got the women on stage.

And the one time I went to a thing where there was a butler in the buff I drunkenly earnestly talked to him about his life choices and what his mother thought of it all

And I fail to see what's innocuous about a live sex show where the chances are high that trafficking and or drugs has got the women on stage.

Are you fucking shitting me 😂😂😂

Do you know how much pro dommes make

And yeah we're all on that dangerous drug known as Yorkshire Tea 😂

A trafficked dominatrix?

The mind boggles.

I think we wandered into channel 4 at midnight for a second there.

Why is it so many people think, Men on a stag do = watching strange woman get naked for money, and its all okay doke because it's a stag do and they are "just having fun". Peer pressure ffs, has not 14! He is a grown man that can actually make a decision himself.

I don't have a problem with women who chose to do this for a living. I would have a problem with my dp chosing to go and ogle naked women for "fun".

Your dh new your feelings on this OP and he decided to disregard them after you forgave him countless times for other things. I don't blame you for your reaction.

Only on MN would a woman who is pissed off with her dh going to a live sex show be called a control freak.

Is it your way or the highway, since the affair? Dare he not put a foot wrong?

Clearly not because he's done a couple of the since the affair hasn't he. Silly thing to say.

I don’t react dramatically to things this was an unusual response I am usually calm and logical I can’t remember feeling this ridiculously dramatic since I was a teenage. I don’t actually know where it all came from. Honestly I don’t know what is normal I didn’t have the best role models growing up in fact I have always done the polar opposite of what my mum would do until last night. I was utterly raging and I think I just thought well being reasonable doesn’t work let’s try this and then I had kicked him out and it was done.

BLAME, BLAME. BLAME!

You blaming yourself, or stop it, you've possibly reached the end of the line, who knows.

As I've said previously ..... you're a changed person, because your husband is an adulterer.

So, all the OPs saying, well you e taken him back so move on.........

Finding our your OH has had an affair, changes you, it's traumatic, you have flash backs, you're paranoid, you're different t.

Posted too soon.....

OP will not react the same way at as someone whose husband has not had an affair,

And she should not BLAME herself for that.

I agree, you can take someone back after an affair but it's a very difficult thing to just get over. That person needs to realise and accept that they have changed you forever. If they can't accept that then they shouldn't ask to come back.

Was this Amsterdam?

@Drogosnextwife that's exactly what I was trying to say! Well said!

The previous affair aside I have to say I'm on the fence for this one.
Having been to a sex show with my husband (we were in Amsterdam and it seemed like a good idea) I wouldn't even say it was vile it was just boring...the actors looked bored and after about 5 minutes I was bored. Now I've been I personally wouldn't care if my husband went while on a stag...would mainly care about the amount of money it cost!
But I guess that's not really your point @Amibeingcrazy, you're bothered because he didn't respect what you wanted? Looking at it from the other side if you're with a big group at a stag/hen it can be difficult to say no, especially if you're the best man. Whilst drunk things seem like a better idea too than in the cold light of day.
I would definately have more problems with the original affair than this but perhaps your want to control (sorry hate to use that term because it sounds soooo serious) that he doesn't go to strip clubs etc is maybe your subconscious way to still trying to rebuild the trust? So if he'd have come home and said all the boys went but he didn't you'd have felt like you can trust him?
I totally get that, if that's how you're feeling. I know he has cancer, which is awful, but if the trust is gone I don't think you can ever get it back.
Good luck op

No not Amsterdam but in another European city.
I am more confused now tbh I don’t know what I want I can’t see past the anger at the moment.
He’s driving back tomorrow so I can have the car to take the dog out and do something nice with dds. I don’t want to talk to him but will put a brave face on for the dds.

@youknowmedontyou

I know because my dad did it to my mum. She took him back, she manages to hide her feelings on certain things from him very well (which I dont think she should) but will voice her concerns to me sometimes and it is just heart breaking.

Strange that people just think that something so heart breaking can just be forgotten.

OP don't let anyone on this thread guilt you into forgiving what your dh did. Your feelings are your feelings and you can't change that. He knew all along so your reaction shouldn't have come as a surprise.

If it's all so widely accepted, tjat tjis is what haens on stag do's, and just a bit of fun, why are all these grown men now shitting their pants incase you tell their dw's? Probably because they will react pretty much the same as you and most of them probably aren't putting up with a previous affair.

Sorry notthefordtype I didn't realise pro Dommes did live shows for sweaty tourists and stags

I’m with you OP and I do not think you’re controlling at all. My dh know my feelings on strip clubs etc and he agrees but if he went on a stag do and ended up in one of these places I would be disappointed and cross. However, in your situation with all that’s gone on it would be the straw that broke the camels back.

Just because he’ll be there in the morning you don’t have to decide the future of your marriage by then. Take your time and just tell him you need to process but at the moment you’re angry.

Good luck.

OP think of it as a reverse.

If you were a MOH and the hen party attended say a cocktail making class but he asked you not to drink because he feels so strongly against alchohol, what would you do?

I doubt very much you would leave the party and go and sit somewhere alone because of his feelings when he wasn’t there.

A lot of people do not like strippers and that’s not the issue, the issue is you trying to control what he does in his own free time because of how you feel.

AuchAyeTheNo that is not the reverse of the situation though is it? That's an extreme example designed to make the op feel guilty.

@AuchAyeTheNo that's not a reverse at al lis it?

That's a proper controlling person, not like OP at all? OPs thoughts are that women in strip clubs are objectified. Her OH agreed and has now forgotten his morals and done it!

Had the DH never voiced his feelings and said "I think it's fine, I'm going" it maybe would've been different. OP didn't pluck a random act that he could not do to stop him having fun!

As you'll see on these posts, feelings are split, no right or wrong but feelings!

@Drogosnextwife that's very sad. It drives me mad when people on these threads trot out the "well you took him back" like everything should be 100% back to how it used to be. It can't, you can get back together with provisos but as you say the cheating party needs to understand and accept them.