Not sure if I over reacted?

[Amibeingcrazy]

I have no idea if I have over reacted? I need some clarity. This is long sorry

Background:
Dh and I mid 30s 2 dds 9&12, together 17 years.

My dh had a short lived affair 8 years ago it was during an incredibly bad time for us. we split up but with significant counselling got back together again and moved on with life.

Then Christmas of 2017 I found messages on his phone nothing untoward but texts to a colleague that I felt uncomfortable with. It was with a colleague that I had asked him not to message I was really hurt and we ended up splitting up again. we went back to counselling but this time it didn’t work we planned to separate in September 2018. By this point were actually were getting on ok I love him desperately but I couldn’t make it work I just felt betrayed. Then everything went wrong he was made suddenly redundant, my grandparents died and the cherry on the top dh was diagnosed with cancer. I was devastated and I guess everything was put into perspective I supported him and everything just fell away we communicated better we were really happy again.

We were the happiest we have been in years this weekend he went away for a stag do that he was best man for I helped plan it and I was excited for him as he’s never been a best man- he organised an amazing weekend. I went away with my friend for the weekend and then last night he brought our children to join us at the cottage we hired. (Friend went home)

When he was planning the stag me and the bride said no strippers nothing like that not because of cheating or jealousy but because both of us feel quite strongly about a) Its goes directly against our beliefs and objectifies women etc b) the type of men who go to strip clubs are not the type of men we want to associate with. I understand not every feels like this but I do and dh knew my stance.

So dh was away we kept in touch he sent me
lots of photos all good. He messages me to say oh they ended up in a hooters (whilst in hooters) I said you know how I feel about those place he says I know it’s actually really grim and they left after one drink.

I am really excited to see him I missed him and can’t wait to spend the rest of the week with our family. He gets here late last night we unpack then he says oh btw as part of the stag do we went to the red light district and went to a sex show and the stag was took on stage and ‘humiliated’ on stage by a dominatrix.(the night before the hooters) I absolutely lost it in a way I never have before not because of the sex show but because he totally disregarded my feelings and did something the only thing I specifically asked him not to do. I chucked all of his stuff in a bag and told him to go home chucked him out and went to bed. I am furious, seriously mad he knew I wouldn’t like he knew it would upset me but he did it anyway because it was ‘a laugh’ I just don’t matter do I? He has no respect for me. He just does exactly as he wants regardless of me. He also knew if he told me before he arrived I would have gone mad and told him not to come.

His next lot of treatment starts soon and it’s a lot a major op and radiation. Without the cancer he would be gone but I can hardly put him out on the street can I? He has no real family and no where to go. My lovely dds don’t deserve anymore pain. On a side note I never behave emotionally I normally am calm and never make rash or ‘dramatic’ decisions but now I am 3 hours from home with 2 kids and a dog in the middle of nowhere with no car and no way of doing any of the things I had planned with dds this week. We are literally in a field down country lanes with nothing for several miles.

Am I overreacting/reading too much into this? Also it’s my official birthday tomorrow but I don’t celebrate it because 3 people I loved dearly died on/around my birthday 2 very suddenly and young and one too young and in horrible circumstances so it’s a week of quite tragic anniversaries. I hate feb with a passion but I thought this one was actually going to be ok.

We're all going round in circles here OP - it's obviously a well-worn groove. Nothing will change unless you make changes yourself.

Oh OP, I feel you! There's nothing worse than really looking forward to something so much, then getting a kick in the teeth.
Thing is, he did tell you, where the others clearly haven't told their partners. That's a bit of a plus point at least.
Like I say, you have every right to be annoyed and for what it's worth, I dont see you as controlling or whatnot. I see you as disappointed after everything that's happened in the past and perhaps even angry at the cancer situation and life giving you that extra body blow.

As i do keep saying on these posts, only you know your relationship and if this is worth ending or fighting for. I do think you should revisit counselling- not just for this but just to help get your head round the cancer news. Maybe that will help make sense of the bigger picture too.
Keep your chin up OP. Maybe think about continuing with the cottage thing while everything else is going on, parking 'real life' and giving yourself and OH the break you deserve

Btw, meant to say, it sounds like you could do with him around, even just to help with tomorrow. Why not forget the world, go out for the day together with the family, keep yourself busy and make nice memories and thoughts to over ride the rubbish ones. Get through the day or week away and then face reality when your a bit more refreshed

Thank you Baileys I am doubly disappointed because I felt so happy so excited to see him I did my hair put new underwear on I couldn’t wait to see him and now I just feel humiliated and hurt.
You are right in that it’s not black and white I struggle with grey if I am honest. I am a very clear cut person and if I had been in that situation even with my very best friend I would have said no not for me thanks but go knock yourself out and have in fact done so in the past.
They did have a pact which he broke within minutes of seeing me (not sure why.)Hence I have now recieved several calls from terrified actual hysterical men begging me not to tell their wives! I won’t tell anyone.

You posted that one already OP. Like I said, just going round in circles......

I just don't get why strip clubs and lap dancers are seen as acceptable preludes to getting married. If it's all so fine and dandy, why isn't it mentioned in the proposal? "Darling will you make me the happiest man in the world just a few days after I've spent the evening ogling a few naked strangers, because that's the kind of sleazy thing I like doing?" Er, no thanks.

The fact that you are getting all these phone calls demonstrates they all know exactly how wrong it is.

No way would I be keeping their dirty little secret for them all.

My DH went on a stag a few years ago but didn't join the group in going to see a stripper. No one was upset and he chose for himself not to go.

How much more are you willing to tolerate op?

Bit daft to ruin a perfectly good holiday over something so inconsequential - cutting off your nose to spite your face a little.
Personally I would view it as a silly drunken one-off and laugh about it - in the whole scheme of things it’s really not a big deal.
(I bet he’s wishing he hadn’t told the truth now).

I didn’t mean to post twice not sure how that happened? I don’t want to be the keeper of the secret but I am also not willing to be the scape goat for them either. like I said dh is only good friends with 2 of the 12 the rest he knows but they aren’t his friends so I don’t know the majority of the wives/girlfriend well at all I haven’t ever met quite a few of them but they will all be at the wedding where my girls are bridesmaids I am not being blamed for this.

Yep I do feel like I am the one that’s suffering. If I let him come back I will feel like I am letting him off with it and that’s not how I feel. I feel like it’s caused a crack in what were already very shaky foundations of marriage. The week is ruined for me now anyway.

I also am really mad at the groom he’s put me in a horrible situation I am not close to the bride but I see her regularly at a shared hobby and at ‘family’ events probably a couple of times a week I don’t know how to I can look her in the eye but I will get over that.

Op, how did you react over thr affair? This is clearly an extremely dramatic over reaction to a stupid drunken stag do event, but yet he has had an affair and you forgave it? I'm trying to think of a bigger reaction and struggling, so can't conceptualise how you behaved then.

As a pp said, this is going wrong in circles, the vast majority of people have told you it's an over reaction to this event in isolation, one uoure clearly hell bent on maintaining and ensuring he gets sufficient "punishment" for.

Where are you going with this? What is it you want? A husband who simply agrees with you then does as he pleases and then lies? Because that's where it's going.

The affair was eight years ago, if you really can't get past it, then I don't think it's fair on anyone to stay together, if it affects your behaviour today this much.

Without excusing him for anything, do you react dramatically to a lot of things? Or at least, when people don't do as you think they should?

As he sat outside for ages, hoping to get back in, is this a regular occurrence? You go ballistic, he waits for you to calm down, and repeat?

Is it your way or the highway, since the affair? Dare he not put a foot wrong?

It seems this over the top reaction to a relatively innocuous stag night activity has brought back all your hurt and anger over the affair.
He is facing a massive challenge with his cancer diagnosis and treatment. Can you find it in yourself to draw a line under this? Try and do everything you planned to do on this holiday before he undergoes treatment for what could be life-limiting illness? Facing cancer is frightening and uncertain. I'm not making excuses for him, but I do think your reaction was extreme. He told you, it's not like you found out from someone else.

He's also possibly thinking, Why not? If he's facing cancer, why not do what he feels like doing? Why should he always do as he's told?

There must be a part of him that wants to make the most of life.

It could have more to do with his difficult personal situation than actively doing something you disapprove of.

Massive overreaction. Why would you want to control what another grown adult does, at any time, but especially when you’re not even in his company. We’re talking about a grown adult here, enjoying a night out with fellow grown adults and all being entertained by other, grown adults. He didn’t cheat on you, hid nothing from you, perhaps he deserves the right to make his own decisions free from your judgement.

And that you ‘feel quite strongly’ against something doesn’t, by definition, mean that he has to agree. Or perhaps he does agree but went to see anyway, on an impulse.

Sounds like he might be afforded an opportunity to enjoy himself in what could be his final days, and good luck to him.

Sorry, forgot to add, but you lost your shit less because he went to watch his mate be humiliated by a Dom lady (what’s bad about that?) but more because he defied your will. It’s a clear cut example of an over bearing, over controlling partner, and by putting space between you both you’ve done him a favour.

Like poor Richard in Keeping Up Appearances.

Ladies why is it okay for men to do this? Especially when they know it will upset their significant other? Why do some of you say it must have been a drinken mistake .. erm no don’t get p.....d so you CAN be in your right frame of mind to make a decision.. it’s. Guy thing ... how would he feel if it was the other way round! It’s just a stripper or porn .. hellloooo you have a willing woman ( most of the time) at home who can be your wet dream if you just treat her right 🤷🏻‍♀️

Come on! If he knows it’s going to cause upset then why do it??

Call time on your relationship and let the partner know you want to do as you please..

Let her grieve without the lying, mistrust/distrust 🙈 the cheating the dpuble life ..

Another thing I don’t get .. yes I am on MN to get educated! There is SO much happening that I have been blond & dead to.. 🌷

Gosh even when I preview and post I make endless spelling errors 🙈

Are you sure legally you can kick him out? How will the courts feel about a very sick man being forced to leave the family home? Your behaviour does sound really extreme and controlling.

I actually reacted fairly calmly to the affair it was like a kick in the stomach but I acted reasonable throughout it no shouting or throwing him out he left I let him we talked through everything we went to counselling.
I don’t react dramatically to things this was an unusual response I am usually calm and logical I can’t remember feeling this ridiculously dramatic since I was a teenage. I don’t actually know where it all came from. Honestly I don’t know what is normal I didn’t have the best role models growing up in fact I have always done the polar opposite of what my mum would do until last night. I was utterly raging and I think I just thought well being reasonable doesn’t work let’s try this and then I had kicked him out and it was done.

I have asked him to come back tomorrow in the morning. I am taking on board the comments from everyone. I just feel that my sense of right and wrong what is acceptable and what’s not is skewed which is why I asked the questions on here. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply to me.

Jesus the amount of surrendered wives on this thread is astonishing.

I suppose all of your partner's would be perfectly happy for you to go see naked men and join in sex shows where a male dom "humiliated" you?

But this behaviour is fine when men do it. It's all so cool and macho until someone tells their wife and then they act like a bunch of scared little boys 🤮

I don't think you overreacted op, your dh knew how felt, and after everything that you've been through together he should've known better. Sorry op.

Moving, get a grip, he didn't join in a sex show, nor was he humiliated by a Dom. At least read the op.

Op, it's maybe just a reaction to all the stress you've been under, maybe his behaviour is too. Good idea to bring him back and try to enjoy the rest of your holiday.

I have read the whole thread bluntness. I never said tge op's husband did that. The groom did though and I was commenting on the behaviour of the men as a group. Would your husband be happy for you to behave that way? Because it seems to me that the majority of men who do these things suddenly change their minds when they think about their wives doing this kind of thing.
Which is ridiculous because the only male strippers I've ever seen did a stupid, unfunny, comedy act involving waving their willies behind towel.

I think you over reacted. Understandable because of the affair but why does your opinion of these kind of shows trump his? If my dh tried to tell me I couldn't go see a show like that (if I wanted to!) I'd think he was controlling.

Feel awful for your dds in this too, holiday ruined.

Would your husband be happy for you to behave that way

I'm a grown up and I make my own decisions. He'd probably think it a bit grim but would refrain from comment, because, he doesn't tell me what to do. Nor me him.