Not sure if I over reacted?

[Amibeingcrazy]

I have no idea if I have over reacted? I need some clarity. This is long sorry

Background:
Dh and I mid 30s 2 dds 9&12, together 17 years.

My dh had a short lived affair 8 years ago it was during an incredibly bad time for us. we split up but with significant counselling got back together again and moved on with life.

Then Christmas of 2017 I found messages on his phone nothing untoward but texts to a colleague that I felt uncomfortable with. It was with a colleague that I had asked him not to message I was really hurt and we ended up splitting up again. we went back to counselling but this time it didn’t work we planned to separate in September 2018. By this point were actually were getting on ok I love him desperately but I couldn’t make it work I just felt betrayed. Then everything went wrong he was made suddenly redundant, my grandparents died and the cherry on the top dh was diagnosed with cancer. I was devastated and I guess everything was put into perspective I supported him and everything just fell away we communicated better we were really happy again.

We were the happiest we have been in years this weekend he went away for a stag do that he was best man for I helped plan it and I was excited for him as he’s never been a best man- he organised an amazing weekend. I went away with my friend for the weekend and then last night he brought our children to join us at the cottage we hired. (Friend went home)

When he was planning the stag me and the bride said no strippers nothing like that not because of cheating or jealousy but because both of us feel quite strongly about a) Its goes directly against our beliefs and objectifies women etc b) the type of men who go to strip clubs are not the type of men we want to associate with. I understand not every feels like this but I do and dh knew my stance.

So dh was away we kept in touch he sent me
lots of photos all good. He messages me to say oh they ended up in a hooters (whilst in hooters) I said you know how I feel about those place he says I know it’s actually really grim and they left after one drink.

I am really excited to see him I missed him and can’t wait to spend the rest of the week with our family. He gets here late last night we unpack then he says oh btw as part of the stag do we went to the red light district and went to a sex show and the stag was took on stage and ‘humiliated’ on stage by a dominatrix.(the night before the hooters) I absolutely lost it in a way I never have before not because of the sex show but because he totally disregarded my feelings and did something the only thing I specifically asked him not to do. I chucked all of his stuff in a bag and told him to go home chucked him out and went to bed. I am furious, seriously mad he knew I wouldn’t like he knew it would upset me but he did it anyway because it was ‘a laugh’ I just don’t matter do I? He has no respect for me. He just does exactly as he wants regardless of me. He also knew if he told me before he arrived I would have gone mad and told him not to come.

His next lot of treatment starts soon and it’s a lot a major op and radiation. Without the cancer he would be gone but I can hardly put him out on the street can I? He has no real family and no where to go. My lovely dds don’t deserve anymore pain. On a side note I never behave emotionally I normally am calm and never make rash or ‘dramatic’ decisions but now I am 3 hours from home with 2 kids and a dog in the middle of nowhere with no car and no way of doing any of the things I had planned with dds this week. We are literally in a field down country lanes with nothing for several miles.

Am I overreacting/reading too much into this? Also it’s my official birthday tomorrow but I don’t celebrate it because 3 people I loved dearly died on/around my birthday 2 very suddenly and young and one too young and in horrible circumstances so it’s a week of quite tragic anniversaries. I hate feb with a passion but I thought this one was actually going to be ok.

I think I would thank him for telling the truth, tell him that your anger was probably due to the past and whilst you still think that it was justified as he knew your feelings on the matter, it was probably a bit of an overreaction to him getting caught up in a drunken group decision. That you were right to be annoyed but it probably came out a bit too emotionally.

Then do some actual talking about your relationship and what you both want from it. If he realised he overstepped the mark and you think he'll learn from this then it might be worth talking about why you reacted in such a strong way and how you can both move forward together.

Obviously if you don't want to continue your relationship then yanbu to say that he overstepped your known boundaries and that's it.

OP, it would appear to me it’s the straw that broke the camels back as pp pointed out. He’s put you through the ringer so in my estimation, you have every right to do what you did. I hope you gave him good cause by this to think about his actions.

However, as you have now had several chaps from the stag call / message you, asking you not to tell the bride/girlfriend/wife, what is he saying to them?? Clearly ALL these guys calling / messaging you think what they did was wrong too and will cause a problem in their relationships or they wouldn’t me messaging you. So they know they did wrong - wrong in the context of what is / is not acceptable behaviour in their relationships. Hope that helps validate you’re anger/hurt at your husband.

I hope you’ll go back to counselling as from an update you mention how this isn’t a normal reaction for you (but if it’s the straw/camel scenario I can see how that would be), you have invited him back and you’re feeling like you’ve over reacted. Often this is how gaslighting starts. I’d suggest when he comes, you have a discussion and spell out clearly, that this incident is just about the straw that breaks the camel’s back so he knows he’s done wrong and that he is skating on thin ice.

Best of luck op.

Of course it is a reverse. The point is the op wants him not to do something, it doesn't matter what that thing is. Booze, strip clubs, smoking, eating donuts, it doesn't matter.

Op, I wonder if you've reached the end of the line and are simply using this as ameans to end the marriage,?

If you were a MOH and the hen party attended say a cocktail making class but he asked you not to drink because he feels so strongly against alchohol, what would you do?

😂 yeah, that's not the same thing at all.

@Bluntness100 but the OPs husband said he wouldn't get involved as he feels it objectifies women. So he lied back then, which is wrong or suddenly changed his view on the night and expected OP to do the same?

The whole point of this post is that an agreement was broken!

Of course it is a reverse. The point is the op wants him not to do something, it doesn't matter what that thing is. Booze, strip clubs, smoking, eating donuts, it doesn't matter.

No it's really not. On any other thread people want a reverse that is exactly the same scenario, but on this thread a half arse attempt will do apparently. There is nothing ridiculous about not wanting your dh to attend live sex shows in a European country because guess what, a lot of them offer more than just the show.
I'm sure most men would be uncomfortable if this was an actual reversed situation.

OP can't look at this as an isolated incident because it's not. Even if it was I still don't think it's an over reaction.

I am actually disgusted with the number of people on this thread attempting to make a woman, who has put up with A LOT, feel guilty because her husband did something she finds unacceptable and offensive.

Maybe he did lie, or maybe he was drunk and bowed to peer pressure and changed his mind, and went with the flow. People getting all holier than though about it and trying to split their marriage for good is just shit.

And quite frankly most of us have done things drunk we'd likely not do sober, except the holier than though tut tut brigade that is.

Maybe he did lie, or maybe he was drunk and bowed to peer pressure and changed his mind, and went with the flow.

Like I said "peer pressure" doesn't wash when you are a married adult, just for 14 year old kids.

Being drunk obviously give you a get put of jail free card... Oh wait no it doesn't!

If your dh was drunk and "went with the flow" and cheated on you, I'm guessing all would be ok, because, you know he was drunk. Good God!

Ffs this man didn't cheat, calm yourself down.

@Bluntness100 yeah the man cheated and by definition that makes him a liar, then he lied again about not wanting to go to a strip club.

He's a liar, the fact that some people get worked up about seeing strippers is not in their opinion wrong, for me it's not what he did, it's his constant lying.

That would kill my relationship with him.

Ffs this man didn't cheat, calm yourself down.

Actually he did.

But clearly a woman is only allowed to be upset with her dh if he has had sex with someone else, even then it's ok if they are drunk, is that correct?

Reading the other thread where a guy went to a strip club premeditated, on his own and got a dance. The majority advice is to leave.

I guess the differences are that your oh wasn't alone, and he was just in the audience. He also didn't lie.
However they both went over boundaries that they new the other person would not like. The main difference is that he told the truth when he came home without you having to accidentally find out. This would be the bit that could possibly save it for me.

Knew! Aghh

But clearly a woman is only allowed to be upset with her dh if he has had sex with someone else, even then it's ok if they are drunk, is that correct?

I don't think even one person has said she has no right to be upset or pissed off. She asked if she over reacted and the overwhelming opinion is yes. She says she's never felt such rage, she chucked him out, she's cancelled his holiday with thr kids, she's nigh on ending her marriage over it.

A drunken trip as a one off on a stag do to a sex show with thr rest of the party would for most people not be a marriage ending, Rage enduring, holiday cancelling event. Simply that's all that's being said.

There is levels of anger and pissed off. And this reaction is huge. For whatever reason, and in isolation it's an over reaction.

If she's still not over thr affair from eight years ago, and that's causing this reaction then she needs to address the fact she can't get past thr affair.

🙄ffs. She will probably never "get over" the affair from 8 years ago, most people don't. I guess as long as he only went to a live sex show and strippers once because he was "pressured" into it by a group of friends, and you know, he was drunk 🙄, then it's fine.
Perhaps put yourself in someone else's shoes and actually think about how these actions have made the OP feel, regardless of the excuses made.

I'm sure everyone here would be absolutely fine with their husband paying to go and watch some woman get her tits and fanny out, coz it's such a good laugh. Why is it ok on a stag do? I think some woman need to raise their standards.

If she's still not over thr affair from eight years ago, and that's causing this reaction then she needs to address the fact she can't get past thr affair.*

Nah, he needs to address his lying! Why does he KEEP lying... ?

I am with you op. At one stage in my life, I might have been OK with a strip club on a stag do but not any more. I spend my life seeing how women suffer from being cast as play things for men. I detest porn and everything that objectifies women.

I am unable to separate 'this one slip up' from 'every other time' in my own life and I can see how this was perhaps the final straw for you.

I also feel sorry for the groom's wife to be. What a mockery of the day they were supposed to be celebrating.

As he was the best man it's obvious that he knew this was all arranged before he went, so it's not like they just suddenly decided to go there. He knew how you felt, but went anyway. He has no respect for you. He obviously thinks he can get away with it after the affair etc. What a horrible situation, you sound lovely OP. I would definitely kick him into the spare room if your can't bear to kick him out just yet

Sorry missed the part where they apparently didn't plan to go there, though that's probably not true either

The problem is that he has broken your trust again. You asked him not to do something, he said he wouldn't and then did it anyway. Had he been a grown up about it and said "we will be going because X" you'd still have to deal with whether your ethics are compatible, but because he was dishonest you have the broken trust as well as the ethics to deal with.

Whether or not either issue is a deal breaker for you is something you will have to figure out for yourself. It doesn't matter if everyone on here is fine with strip clubs, or forgives things done due to drunken peer pressure. In order for you to be happy you need to know what you are fine with.

If at all possible you need to separate this decision (which is about what you personally want from a marriage) from his illness. You can feel sorry for him, and want to help him, and want to keep things calm for your kids but still know that these things are unacceptable for you in a relationship.

@bluntness I do think you talk a lot of sense!

@drogosnextwife, I think the difference is, other people are saying Op is right to be mad, it's understandable to be upset and react, just maybe, after all the hard work in the relationship, it doesn't have to be a deal breaker.
The op clearly decided the relationship was worth the effort before. Let her decide whether it still is. It's not always so black and white

Nah, he needs to address his lying! Why does he KEEP lying... ?

I don't think any of us do know if he lied on this occasion? He told her where he went and that it was unplanned, it's a leap to say he lied about that.

I'm sure everyone here would be absolutely fine with their husband paying to go and watch some woman get her tits and fanny out, coz it's such a good laugh

Again no one said it was fine, although personally I've no issue with it in the context of a stag do, and I've been to see Male strippers on a hen night, but what's being said as a one off drunken event, at a stag do, with the rest of the party, then a screaming all encompassing rage filled marriage ending reaction is excessive.

I really struggle to understand why people are thinking you either loose your shit and end your marriage or your fine with it, and that there is no middle ground between the two. There is.

Baileys, ,,thanks,,

Hes cheated before,you broke up.Got back together.You have to stop throwing it in his face.

You have 2 choices [1] you forgive and dont mention the affair
[2] you split up.

You cant keep bringing it up when you dont get your own way

@dustarr73 where does OP say she brought up the affair to her OH?

She's told us the background, demonstrating he's disregarded her feelings before. She then went on to say he'd done it again.

As for not bringing the affair up again, if it's relevant then I think she has every right to bring it up.