Not sure if I over reacted?

[Amibeingcrazy]

I have no idea if I have over reacted? I need some clarity. This is long sorry

Background:
Dh and I mid 30s 2 dds 9&12, together 17 years.

My dh had a short lived affair 8 years ago it was during an incredibly bad time for us. we split up but with significant counselling got back together again and moved on with life.

Then Christmas of 2017 I found messages on his phone nothing untoward but texts to a colleague that I felt uncomfortable with. It was with a colleague that I had asked him not to message I was really hurt and we ended up splitting up again. we went back to counselling but this time it didn’t work we planned to separate in September 2018. By this point were actually were getting on ok I love him desperately but I couldn’t make it work I just felt betrayed. Then everything went wrong he was made suddenly redundant, my grandparents died and the cherry on the top dh was diagnosed with cancer. I was devastated and I guess everything was put into perspective I supported him and everything just fell away we communicated better we were really happy again.

We were the happiest we have been in years this weekend he went away for a stag do that he was best man for I helped plan it and I was excited for him as he’s never been a best man- he organised an amazing weekend. I went away with my friend for the weekend and then last night he brought our children to join us at the cottage we hired. (Friend went home)

When he was planning the stag me and the bride said no strippers nothing like that not because of cheating or jealousy but because both of us feel quite strongly about a) Its goes directly against our beliefs and objectifies women etc b) the type of men who go to strip clubs are not the type of men we want to associate with. I understand not every feels like this but I do and dh knew my stance.

So dh was away we kept in touch he sent me
lots of photos all good. He messages me to say oh they ended up in a hooters (whilst in hooters) I said you know how I feel about those place he says I know it’s actually really grim and they left after one drink.

I am really excited to see him I missed him and can’t wait to spend the rest of the week with our family. He gets here late last night we unpack then he says oh btw as part of the stag do we went to the red light district and went to a sex show and the stag was took on stage and ‘humiliated’ on stage by a dominatrix.(the night before the hooters) I absolutely lost it in a way I never have before not because of the sex show but because he totally disregarded my feelings and did something the only thing I specifically asked him not to do. I chucked all of his stuff in a bag and told him to go home chucked him out and went to bed. I am furious, seriously mad he knew I wouldn’t like he knew it would upset me but he did it anyway because it was ‘a laugh’ I just don’t matter do I? He has no respect for me. He just does exactly as he wants regardless of me. He also knew if he told me before he arrived I would have gone mad and told him not to come.

His next lot of treatment starts soon and it’s a lot a major op and radiation. Without the cancer he would be gone but I can hardly put him out on the street can I? He has no real family and no where to go. My lovely dds don’t deserve anymore pain. On a side note I never behave emotionally I normally am calm and never make rash or ‘dramatic’ decisions but now I am 3 hours from home with 2 kids and a dog in the middle of nowhere with no car and no way of doing any of the things I had planned with dds this week. We are literally in a field down country lanes with nothing for several miles.

Am I overreacting/reading too much into this? Also it’s my official birthday tomorrow but I don’t celebrate it because 3 people I loved dearly died on/around my birthday 2 very suddenly and young and one too young and in horrible circumstances so it’s a week of quite tragic anniversaries. I hate feb with a passion but I thought this one was actually going to be ok.

'disrepecting you' = not doing what you told him to do = controlling and unreasonable. It was a drunken stag night - that's all.

It's the bigger picture that is important here - not this minor thing.

Op, it was a stag weekend. He's had as rough a time of it as you, if not way rougher, it's also the first time he's been best man.

This isn't a case if he's cheating or going out of a weekend to strip clubs, it was a one off, done whilst drunk, with the group, on a stag weekend, and when drunk we often do things we wouldn't do sober. But ultimately it was just a bunch of drunk men doing something a bit grim and stupid,

If you don't want to be told you're being unreasonable, thhen it's not a good idea to ask. In this instance, yes it seems you've over reacted a bit, possibly due to the pressure you're all under.

She's not controlling him tho, she's saying she doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who goes to strippers.

it is a bit controlling to tell someone what they are and are not permitted to do - so people should stay in relationships where the other person cheats, cos it's not OK to say the partner can't sleep with others and still be with you?

He's just using you now he's got cancer. He's no respect for you at all

FFS the guy has got cancer.

He hasn’t murdered anyone.

Complete over reaction.

Op you are very controlling. You can’t tell a guy that he can’t go to a strip club on a stag night when he is surrounded by his peers. What did you think was going to happen? Did you think he was going to stand outside for the evening.

Now the person you want to control is no longer there is your anger and frustration more to do with the fact that you can’t throw your weight around anymore.
I don’t see why you are still angry because you have got what you wanted.

I don't think it's controlling in this case. The op has forgiven and forgiven him, put aside her hurt and upset and worked at the marriage, then supported him through a big illness, yet he cant even take her feelings into consideration (or the bride's) about one thing that he knows will upset her. He thought he'd just throw it into the conversation, he'd upset her but she'd suck it up like usual. In reality this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

She's not controlling him tho, she's saying she doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who goes to strippers

He doesn't "go to strippers" it was a one off on a stag do. And why take it to the extreme of saying it's not ok to tell someone what to do means you can't tell them not to cheat that is beyond ludicrous. And in this instance he has not cheated.

It is indeed ludicrous, but that's where saying you can't tell people what they can't do if they want to stay in a relationship with you leads you to.

It's apparent for a lot of people, a bloke going to strippers on a stag night is fine. but we're all individuals and we're allowed to draw our boundaries where we want.

This one-off is on top of a backstory of cheating and the marriage nearly ending only last year, so if it's the last straw that's understandable.

I think this reaction now is due to the pain of his previous infidelity. It can take longer than you think to get over it.

@Amibeingcrazy no YANBU, but in a way neither is your DH.

When he had the affair, he changed part of you FOREVER. It's what happens, you're different now.

You now view any type of "sexual" pleasure from another woman as further deceit. I wouldn't judge you for that.

He's not got cancer, that's a separate issue and having cancer does not excuse unreasonable behaviour.

But, if you can, try to separate what happened on the stag. Would the former you have thrown him out? Or did you see this as FURTHER betrayal?

I feel for you, you've taken him back and feel betrayed. But do try and separate the issues if you can.

I think you've totally overreacted OP. I realise you've been through stuff with him in the past, but this is now. He went along with his mates to a show. Let it go.

If you end it over this, then that's ridiculous. Also, I agree with others who have said you are being controlling, and dictating what he can and cannot do. How would you feel if he tried to do the same to you?

I think you overreacted and you come across controlling.

The only thing I can see he did wrong was the affair but you chose to forgive him for that. If you can't move on then you shouldn't be together.

You expect your feelings to trump his. I don't think he did anything wrong. Sorry.

Ah op this is hard. The strip club thing is his choice not yours, whether the like them or not he was on a stag party. You cannot control him. I think it goes much deeper though and your relationship has a massive lack of trust and respect.

I think in isolation you overreacted yet it was the tip of a much bigger problem here.

Thank you for all the input I see both sides of it all I do. I know that the major issue is the trust. I don’t think I am controlling this and not contacting a female colleague(not friend) I was unsure of are the only 2 things I ever said don’t do that to. I never check up on him he goes out a lot stays away too I never bother. I just thought he had more respect for me and women in general. This was my line I asked him not to cross it he did anyway.
Yes I expected him to say no to going in it wasn’t planned they were walking down a street were approached by a tout he being the best man could easily have said no the bride will go mad the groom would have backed him and on they go. I appreciate that in the moment it was a laugh. I expected him to say no because he recongnised it was a gross thing to do and that he didnt want to do it. I genuinely thought we were on the same page with it so it wasn’t an instruction but an agreement.

Incidentally I just had a hysterical groom on the phone begging me not to tell the bride as he thinks she would call off the wedding if she knew-especially as she asked and he lied. I won’t tell her (we aren’t close) and it would cause so much family drama, but he’s deluded if he thinks it won’t get back to her, her brother was on the stag do as was her best friends boyfriend.

I do see your point, and I don't think any one is saying you don't have the right to be pissed off. But what is being said is you need to contextualise this, it's a one off, at a stag do, when they were drunk, he was honest about it' and didn't try to lie, as such, you over reacted by chucking him out, going apeshit, ruining the kids holiday over it and causing them distress.

So yes, being annoyed or angry at him is one thing, but what you describe is a major over reaction.

You are not controlling, you have boundaries and acceptables, me too, I'd not be happy if my partner was at a sex show and a topless bar etc; no need.

But, on this occasion, like a stag, I'd probably let it go now, I'd still go ballistic but you also need to realise he is not on your page, he has proved that to you, so if you don't want to end it, you have to accept it.

I think your reaction is probably based on his past behaviour, having an affair when married with two kids is pretty grim, I'd never trust him again so that's possibly why you have reacted the way you have.

FWIW my dds are not in distress they were asleep when this happened and when they woke up this morning I told them there was a leak at home and dh had to go back to sort it out. They have played outside all day and we will have dinner and watch a movie later.

Oliversmummy I am a little baffled by the last part of your post I am angry because I was looking forward to this holiday a huge deal and I am not trying to throw my weight around anywhere? I don’t have what I wanted, I wanted a lovely week away with my family.

I am really confused I don’t know what to do I am upset and have no idea how to get beyond this.

Yabu, sorry. Poor guy

You totally over reacted and are coming across as controlling even down to the bit where you helped plan the stag with him.

Your issue is he had an affair. So you either forgive and move on or separate

I think I get it now, OP. It's not about the strip club at all. He could have done ANY one thing that you'd asked him not to because it mattered to YOU. It's his disregard for your feelings that you are so upset about

Thing is, to put his behaviour into context, it would have been a bit unreasonable of you to expect him to go against the party/peer decision on that night. There is another thread right now about a man who went to a strip club alone in his home town and paid for a naked dance in a private room and tried to lie about it. THAT is a very different situation and I would say LTB over that.

Your situation is just one example of him disrespecting you. Minor in itself, but possibly the straw that broke the camel's back.

Can you ask him back to the cottage to salvage the family holiday, and try and sort things out whereby he listens to you? No more ranting, extreme reactions etc. Just sit down and talk about whether you both want to stay together.

I am really confused I don’t know what to do I am upset and have no idea how to get beyond this

What do you want to do? You haven't said. You've forgiven him an affair, then you were going to separate, then he got ill and now you've reconciled.. Do you want to stay together or not?

I don't understand why you're focusing on one thing that the majority of people are telling you to forget about and completely ignoring the initial adultery and the subsequent emotional affair....

I think you need to step back and consider what is important and what isn't.

I didn’t help to plan the stag to control it, he asked for my help with it he asked my advice I gave it he made the decisions. There was nothing he suggested I said no to but for example I suggested a beer bike over a different sporty activity just because I thought it was better.

I am not ignoring the adultery I thought we had passed it. I am trying to figure out if I am being over sensitive/over reacted in this incident if I am reading too much into it. I am normally so rational this level of emotion is difficult for me to understand.

Yolo that is exactly it! It doesn’t matter what is it was something I felt strongly about and something he said would not happen and then it did despite the agreement and the strength of my feelings.

Is this a symptom of everything that is wrong with your relationship? Does he routinely ignore your feelings on various other things?

Or was this a one off moment of thoughtless madness, where he understands why you are upset, is sorry and won't disregard your feelings so massively again?

You've got to think about where this fits, to decide what you want to do about it.

Op I really do feel for you. I think hollow is right, you're mad at the other things that have happened and this is just the icing on top.

For me, I do think you have a right to be annoyed but I wouldn't say it should be a deal breaker. I do think you need to address it with him, maybe in counselling again but I do think there are a few mitigating circumstances:
A) it's his first time as best man and must have been so hard to not go along with 'the lads
B) it wasn't a planned deceit, they got approached and so he'd have been put in a tricky situation which obviously he didn't handle well but different to him planning the thing.
C) he has cancer. It must be scary. It must be hard to wonder how long you have left for 'experiences'.

D) he told you. They could have done a pact, what goes on your, stays on tour and so on.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be angry or are being unreasonable, I just think there s definitely more to it thank the black and white facts.

You sound doubly disappointed as you'd been in such a happy place in the relationship before, and you must be so disappointed. Only you can decide whether it's worth trying but I would say it's a shame after you've worked so hard. Wishing you happiness in the future whatever the choice

He has disregarded my feelings on many occasions but not for a while he’s usually pretty good and has worked on recognising when his behaviour has upset me. It just feels like rinse and repeat he says sorry you are right I won’t do it again and tbf he doesn’t make the exact same mistake again but it’s all linked to him being thoughtless and selfish so it feels like nothing changes.

Thank you Baileys I am doubly disappointed because I felt so happy so excited to see him I did my hair put new underwear on I couldn’t wait to see him and now I just feel humiliated and hurt.
You are right in that it’s not black and white I struggle with grey if I am honest. I am a very clear cut person and if I had been in that situation even with my very best friend I would have said no not for me thanks but go knock yourself out and have in fact done so in the past.
They did have a pact which he broke within minutes of seeing me (not sure why.)Hence I have now recieved several calls from terrified actual hysterical men begging me not to tell their wives! I won’t tell anyone.