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Original poster

Not sure if DH's behaviour with female friend inappropriate

104 replies

ladymay62321 · 19/02/2019 22:54

Using friend's account bc she had a very similar problem and got great advice here - just finished reading her thread and was blown away by MNer wisdom! So DH (2nd marriage) has a lot of friends but about 10 months ago met a 30year old female (he's mid 50s). She is in a long-term relationship too.

Lately I've been a bit suspicious of his relationship with her. I don't think they're cheating but feel like there's something there. I want to confront DH in a calm way but not sure if these signs are worth bringing up:

  • he calls her and she calls him 'just to say hi' - considering the age gap I think it's unusual
  • he went to her place the other day to do some work, then stayed and had lunch with her while her partner was not home
  • Their texts are along the lines of 'hope i didn't miss u xx' and 'just saying hi, will call later xx'
  • I know for a fact that he has 'complained' about me to her bc it came up in a different conversation w him. He told her I like to end the night early while he likes to stay out
  • and I know for a fact she complains to him about her OH because on the phone I heard him tell her 'you need to stop having big fights and learn agree to disagree'
  • he scolds her for smoking and said 'you're going to get pregnant one day' and shouldn't do it (she's not a child!)
  • it was her birthday recently and he is building her some furniture (he's extremely time poor so that kinda seemed odd. I didn't think he needed to give her present anyway)

Gosh reading back it all sounds petty and I am probably making DH sound like a wonderfully helpful and caring person but it just feels...off? I have never been threatened by this woman and have only started raising an eyebrow after these signs.

I am kind of predicting the responses and know I'm probably overreacting. I guess I just need some sense knocked into me

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 19/02/2019 22:58

Individually they do seem petty. But added together I can understand why you're posting about your unease. He sounds flattered, she sounds like she's enjoying the attention. I would discuss it with him.

Original poster
ladymay62321 · 19/02/2019 23:03

Justmuddlingalong

Ty ...You're right it is petty. I don't think it's really worth rocking the boat TBH except for maybe playfully bringing up the fact that I think she's crushing on him Grin

OP posts:
SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 19/02/2019 23:05

Sounds like they're friends. Nothing wrong with that.

BakerBear · 19/02/2019 23:07

I think they are on dangerous ground.

Friendships like this can very quickly escalate.

Original poster
ladymay62321 · 19/02/2019 23:09

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad

Ty, I should also note she is a very attractive woman and DH, while never cheated or has come close to, has certainly been a big admirer of pretty girls.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladymay62321 · 19/02/2019 23:10

BakerBear

Which part sounds dangerous to you? Have you seen something similar?

OP posts:
expo · 19/02/2019 23:14

Oooo I wouldn’t like this one little bit. A 50 year old married man and a 30 year old attractive woman texting each other with little kisses. Complaining about me to her. Talking about her becoming pregnant one day.

Ooooo I wouldn’t like this one bit.

OP you say he has lots of friends. Are they female too?

ilikemethewayiam · 19/02/2019 23:15

I don’t think you are being petty! My ex had many female friends like this and I thought I was over reacting but turned out he was cheating! He could explain away all the individual instances but added up the picture became clear!. Some one said to me ‘if it walks like a duck, looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...... guess what? It’s a DUCK!. The fact that you are asking means your gut is telling you something. LISTEN to it.

Whoops75 · 19/02/2019 23:18

I wouldn’t like this either,

Whoops75 · 19/02/2019 23:19

How did they meet?

Drogosnextwife · 19/02/2019 23:22

Nope he is way to over invested in this woman, sounds weird to me OP sorry.

expo · 19/02/2019 23:23

He’s building her furniture for her birthday after knowing her for 10 months? Is that normal? I would say not but maybe I have lost my radar.

Original poster
ladymay62321 · 19/02/2019 23:25

expo

Ah Sad that sucks. I am certain he hasn't cheated and will not but it feels like it could be crossing 'emotional affair' territory by how quickly he's taken to her. The signs are just too insignificant though to make a big fuss about it. At the same time I don't want to wait until it does

ilikemethewayiam

yes he has lots of male and female friends but not this 'one on one'..except one elderly lady he also has little lunch dates with (she's a widow and lonely). But come to think of it, he deliberately doesn't go to some friends' houses if only their wife's car is out front. He's definitely closer to this woman more than her OH which is very different.

OP posts:
Jesij · 19/02/2019 23:29

Had something similar in the past with DH. Female friend just wasn’t sitting right, I was younger then and got a little petty myself. Actually spoke to my mum about it her advice was to be open and honest. It was the best thing I could have done.
I openly said to him I might sound crazy but I felt uncomfortable and insecure about the friendship they had.
He reassured me he felt nothing for her and only saw her as a friend. He then told her how I felt and she full out admitted feelings for him. My instinct was right. DH proved that day why we eventually married, he put her straight and told me everything.
Honesty in a relationship, no matter how stupid you think you will look is best in my eyes. Always go with your instincts they are there for a reason.

RedFeltHeart · 19/02/2019 23:29

OP, I am 44. I have a number of close male friends.

Some of those male friends have girlfriends/partners; some do not. Some of their girlfriends/partners I've met; some I haven't for one reason or another.

I am scrupilously careful that there is no blurring of boundaries ever. It's fine for people to have opposite friendships. However, in my experience, many men 'would' if given the opportunity.

All of it sounds like regular friendship except for the content/context of texts messages and the scolding her for smoking. That's him misjudging 'caring' about her and massively overstepping the mark. It's not his place.

Original poster
ladymay62321 · 19/02/2019 23:30

Whoops75

he met her OH first at a guy's night and they became friends. But now he is much closer to her. I don't think he and her OH ever talk on the phone anymore, but they did at the start :S

OP posts:
RedFeltHeart · 19/02/2019 23:31

Sorry, posted too soon.

So I'd be saying something about this. This isn't an 'appropriate' friendship.

expo · 19/02/2019 23:32

In the end everybody is different and everybody is comfortable with different things in a relationship. I had a guy friend that my DP was really uncomfortable about. He was convinced he fancied me and didn’t like the time he invested in me. I kept laughing it off and was like ‘don’t tell me who I can and can’t be friends with’. But he didn’t like it - it made him uncomfortable. We are still friends but no way near as close as we were because even though nothing would have happened I just valued my relationship and him too much to let this upset it. So I pulled back.

So maybe have a chat with him and say that it is making you incomfortable. He may not like it but hopefully he will understand that it makes you uncomfortable (at least uncomfortable enough to seek advice here) and will then pull away. That should mean more than a 10 month relationship. And if he gets annoyed and doesn’t then I would start questioning the whole relationship iyswim

Weirdlookingbricks · 19/02/2019 23:34

Get Shirley Glass's book Not Just Friends. It will tell you exactly how this kind of thing will pan out.

expo · 19/02/2019 23:35

Sorry I meant 10 month friendship not relationship

Original poster
ladymay62321 · 19/02/2019 23:36

I didn't know why I felt off about the scolding part but that makes sense now, it does all seem a bit KISA (knight in shining armour). The first time he did it he even said 'A beautiful girl like you smoking a cigarette..'
Confused: confused

Jesij sounds like you have a good one!

OP posts:
Original poster
ladymay62321 · 19/02/2019 23:38

sorry was mean to say Hmm Hmm

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 19/02/2019 23:42

It’s not confusing, he’s emotionally invested and no doubt very attracted to a much younger woman, and is devoting far too much time and attention to her. He is focused on her, texts her, compliments and supports her.

It’s crossed a line. You know that really. Trust your instincts and don’t doubt yourself.

Sunnydays78 · 19/02/2019 23:51

The calls all the time and talking about missing each other. No way! I would not like this at all

Original poster
ladymay62321 · 19/02/2019 23:51

ty AtrociousCircumstance

I don't actually feel like a line has been crossed and I would disagree that he spends 'far too much time' with her (probably once a week).

OP posts: