Not sure if DH's behaviour with female friend inappropriate

[ladymay62321]

Using friend's account bc she had a very similar problem and got great advice here - just finished reading her thread and was blown away by MNer wisdom! So DH (2nd marriage) has a lot of friends but about 10 months ago met a 30year old female (he's mid 50s). She is in a long-term relationship too.

Lately I've been a bit suspicious of his relationship with her. I don't think they're cheating but feel like there's something there. I want to confront DH in a calm way but not sure if these signs are worth bringing up:

• he calls her and she calls him 'just to say hi' - considering the age gap I think it's unusual
• he went to her place the other day to do some work, then stayed and had lunch with her while her partner was not home
• Their texts are along the lines of 'hope i didn't miss u xx' and 'just saying hi, will call later xx'
• I know for a fact that he has 'complained' about me to her bc it came up in a different conversation w him. He told her I like to end the night early while he likes to stay out
• and I know for a fact she complains to him about her OH because on the phone I heard him tell her 'you need to stop having big fights and learn agree to disagree'
• he scolds her for smoking and said 'you're going to get pregnant one day' and shouldn't do it (she's not a child!)
• it was her birthday recently and he is building her some furniture (he's extremely time poor so that kinda seemed odd. I didn't think he needed to give her present anyway)

Gosh reading back it all sounds petty and I am probably making DH sound like a wonderfully helpful and caring person but it just feels...off? I have never been threatened by this woman and have only started raising an eyebrow after these signs.

I am kind of predicting the responses and know I'm probably overreacting. I guess I just need some sense knocked into me

Make no mistake this is an affair in the making, there is no fatherly thing going on, like Anyfucker said, I don't know how you've let it go on so long
It's glaringly obvious and I would be going nuclear on his are
Believe me I have a lot of experience with this and it's so classic it's almost painfull seeing you rationalise it

I think it isn't unusual to try to rationalise away uncomfortable things such as this. But that is what I think you are doing. This is the start of an emotional affair, and has every prospect escalating. This is how it happens, often.

This was me 18 months ago. Rationalising then DH's new close 'friendship' with a work colleague 10 years older than him.
I trusted him immensely and I actually don't think either of them "planned" anything.

But they were emotionally connecting and that allowed him to shut me out.

6 months later I found her lingerie in my children's overnight bag.

"Just friend" affairs are way more common than the stereotypical lusty one night stand.
I wish I'd confronted it much earlier and more firmly.

It's perfectly possible to have a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex without falling onto their penis.

Yes agreed but the OP is reacting to her gut, that uneasy feeling you get in your stomach if something feels off? For me, that's a sure sign something about it is not right.

Personally, I've found not many men can remain friends with females, they usually, at some point, always either think you fancy them or their chance is in.

Is it just me or, when others come up with their opinions, does OP then play down her OH's behaviour and things she's stated he's said or done?
e.g. The 'did I miss u' line.

Is OP just messing us about?

@CoolJule43, she may be back-pedaling a bit, probably because these truths are frightening.

OP, you know that he has an inappropriate relationship with this OW, but you haven’t known what to do. Gather your self-respect and lay down the law.

It is absolutely not on for a married man to behave this way. Meet ups. Private time at her house. Frequent calls and texts with kisses. Calling her beautiful. Gifts. Negative remarks about you. And that is what you know about. There will be secrets. I would not accept or tolerate any of these things from my husband.

You’ve tried your best to normalize ‘them,’ but I believe your intuition and common sense are now screaming at you to get real and take action. I wouldn’t be tentative and I wouldn’t be jokey about her ‘crushing’ on him. I would say, ‘This stops now.’

The kisses at the end of the messages would be enough for me to go mad. And I'm very laid back. But no man EVER puts to kisses on the end of messages to a "friend".

It’s not physical cheating but it is emotional he is giving her all his emotional goodness- is he treating you the same?

Could be harmless but the constant chats and contact is a bit overboard. One of my best friends is Male, he gave me away at my wedding and we never talk everyday!!!

Just be careful my sisters husband had a younger “friend” from work- he started treating my sister crap and this friend really well. Has since done out they did have an affair but it started with an emotional connection.

It’s not fatherly interest because he has mentioned her beauty and does the xx. They are flirting. Testing the waters for interest. Maybe they just both like the attention but these things can easily go beyond a mild flirtation. As others have advised, trust your instincts.

Yes agreed but the OP is reacting to her gut, that uneasy feeling you get in your stomach if something feels off? For me, that's a sure sign something about it is not right.

Personally, I've found not many men can remain friends with females, they usually, at some point, always either think you fancy them or their chance is in.

But several people on the thread have said they 'would not stand for' or would feel deeply uncomfortable about, behaviour which in itself (ie not in conjunction with any suspicious behaviour) seems to me to be entirely normal, like casual kisses on the sign-off to an email to friends of either sex, or seeing a male work friend outside of work one on one, or indeed being emotionally close to a friend of the opposite sex. In my life, in many years of close and valuable male friendships, these are not 'pre-affair' behaviours.

I'm especially uneasy with the idea that being in a monogamous relationship means that both parties can never again be close to anyone of the opposite sex other than their partner, otherwise it's an 'emotional affair', or that male/female friendships should involve increased distance when one or both of the friends are in a relationship.

I'm especially uneasy with the idea that being in a monogamous relationship means that both parties can never again be close to anyone of the opposite sex other than their partner, otherwise it's an 'emotional affair', or that male/female friendships should involve increased distance when one or both of the friends are in a* relationships

Sadly in the real world this is the case.

I've always been laid back about this stuff until a couple of friends' husbands had affairs. One lady's best friend helped her through a painful divorce.

How did she thank my friend?
By befriending my friends dh and having an affair with him.

And for what?
Friend chucked him out though up to 18 months ago he was still begging to come home.
(, friend has moved on)

Definitely trust your instincts as others have said.

I would not be happy with it all.

I spoke to DH about this and after reading some of the scary stuff on here I couldn't be lighthearted about it. He reacted just as I expected, thought it was a joke at first but said he didn't need to go to her place to make her the table/chairs but will deliver it and get one of his mates to help.

I was very happy with his response. I did confront him about the xx in messages because he does not do this to anyone else (even me, we just don't communicate that way) and he said he was just responding back how she messages.

DH said he didn't need to see her if it made me uncomfortable which is enough for me.

To answer, no nothing has changed with our closeness at all. Honestly I think he is extremely flattered by her attention (she definitely likes him and he didn't try to argue with it, but he did find it amusing when I suggested it). That's fine, I understand that it boosts his ego but I agree, these things can get out of hand and I don't think DH is aware of that.

BTW I think it was notable to say to clear up that they weren't saying 'I miss u' to each other. I don't see how that's messing about with people's advice.

That's great news LadyMay!

Thank you leonasa! The bit that made me want to throw my arms around him was after getting his reaction and feeling safer I told him I was still OK for him to be friends with her (just no 1-to-1s etc) and he goes 'If the girl's gone gooey for me I don't think it'd be healthy. '

A bit presumptuous I know but I'm glad he said it!

@Robin2323

Your story makes me really cross.

Separating from your spouse and divorcing is really hard. I had very recently new couple-friends. I'd only known her for 3 months and only met her husband twice when I discovered my husband's affair and they were brilliant to me.

I spent nearly all weekend at their house, probably nearly every weekend for about a year. And it's only now when I look back that I realise they probably didn't want me there that often!!

She and I are still friends but I'm better/closer friends with her husband - we now do a hobby together and go to the gym (she sometimes comes too) and are genuinely very good friends. I do not fancy him in the slightest and, as far as I know, he doesn't fancy me either. She trusts both of us and I really appreciate and value that trust.

But even if I had fancied him or he had fancied me, there is absolutely no way I would have repaid her kindness by having an affair with her husband. I think it's an absolutely despicable thing to do.

And it's unfair on everyone else because it's this sort of thing that makes some people wary and suspicious of divorced women!

OP I'm pleased you have spoken with your husband and are happy with the outcome.

Was also a good opportunity to hear that he did prefer to stay out late together some nights. Fine with me on the odd occasion but yes, would've been good to tell me first instead of vent to someone else

So he responds to her with kisses but not you, that’s crap he does it out of politeness, I also think his readiness to stop contact confirms he had crossed a line but glad you got it sorted 👍

Adora10 It did occur to me that he readiness to stop meant it has crossed his mind that things were not entirely appropriate, yes.

Regardless, happy to have addressed it before it was too late.

To me, your update sounds at odds with your OP and your other comments. This sounds like they are mere acquaintances who mainly interact about furniture and she has inadvertently become sweet on him, which amuses him, instead of two emotionally close people who message/phone each other frequently, meet alone weekly in various locations, complement each other, share info about their marriages, and criticize their partners.

It is good that he is respecting your feelings, but did he really need you to tell him that matching her kisses was him flirting back?

I don't know how you got 'meeting alone weekly in various locations'? Or complement each other other than the 'beautiful girl shouldn't be smoking' comment?

And other than sharing info about marriages - are you just referring to him complaining about me not staying out late and her confiding in him about having a fight with hers?

Yes maybe the kisses back was mild flirtation and goofy old man amusing himself, but I think a lot of details have been added by other posters here to fuel excitement.

They certainly don't just 'interact about furniture' that was never the case, they have a friendship. They talk on the phone or see each other (mostly not alone) on a weekly basis, sorry if I'd written something that misled, but I don't think I did.

In case I wasn’t clear (been up since 4 a.m.), they have clearly been mutually involved on some deep level, based on the frequency and intensity of interactions. However, your discussion with him seemed to slant responsibility only to her, with him being amused that she ‘likes’ him. Did you discuss what has been glaringly obvious—that he has purposefully sought her out also, and that she is ‘extremely flattered’ by his attention?

This has all the hallmarks of an emotional affair. I'd fecking crucify my DH if he spent his precious time on another woman who isn't a close mutual family friend.

OP, you questioned where I got the information in my response to your update. The answer is: from your words. I did not “add details to fuel excitement.”

You asked for help because you were “suspicious,” felt like “something’s there,” and said “it feels like it could be crossing emotional affair territory by how quickly he’s taken to her.” I tried to help you as best I could.

Meeting In Various Places: You said that (1) they met at her house and also (2) “they were meeting somewhere and he was late when she sent ‘hope I didn’t miss you xx’.” The second example was obviously not at her house.

Weekly Meetings Alone: You previously stated that they meet “probably once a week” and that she is the only friend he meets “one on one” (except the widow). Only now in your response to me do you say that they meet “mostly not alone.”

Discussing Relationships: Complaining about partners is discussing their relationships.

Compliments: He called her beautiful. I don’t see a specific compliment that she gave him, but the picture you painted indicated to me that she must have complimented him also. I assume that she has praised the furniture he is building for her, as well as his kindness in giving it to her for her birthday. She likely made other comments of admiration since she was “crushing on him,” calling, texting, and making him lunch. Also, his being “extremely flattered by her attention” and their having “emotional intimacy” would indicate that they praised each other.

I wish you well, OP.

purposely