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Original poster

Not sure if DH's behaviour with female friend inappropriate

104 replies

ladymay62321 · 19/02/2019 22:54

Using friend's account bc she had a very similar problem and got great advice here - just finished reading her thread and was blown away by MNer wisdom! So DH (2nd marriage) has a lot of friends but about 10 months ago met a 30year old female (he's mid 50s). She is in a long-term relationship too.

Lately I've been a bit suspicious of his relationship with her. I don't think they're cheating but feel like there's something there. I want to confront DH in a calm way but not sure if these signs are worth bringing up:

  • he calls her and she calls him 'just to say hi' - considering the age gap I think it's unusual
  • he went to her place the other day to do some work, then stayed and had lunch with her while her partner was not home
  • Their texts are along the lines of 'hope i didn't miss u xx' and 'just saying hi, will call later xx'
  • I know for a fact that he has 'complained' about me to her bc it came up in a different conversation w him. He told her I like to end the night early while he likes to stay out
  • and I know for a fact she complains to him about her OH because on the phone I heard him tell her 'you need to stop having big fights and learn agree to disagree'
  • he scolds her for smoking and said 'you're going to get pregnant one day' and shouldn't do it (she's not a child!)
  • it was her birthday recently and he is building her some furniture (he's extremely time poor so that kinda seemed odd. I didn't think he needed to give her present anyway)

Gosh reading back it all sounds petty and I am probably making DH sound like a wonderfully helpful and caring person but it just feels...off? I have never been threatened by this woman and have only started raising an eyebrow after these signs.

I am kind of predicting the responses and know I'm probably overreacting. I guess I just need some sense knocked into me

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 20/02/2019 01:27

I'm glad you're talking to him about it and in your shoes, I'd continue to tell him that the situation makes you uncomfortable - perhaps show some jealousy, it's v. flattering!

DH once got close to a colleague (closer in age to him), I made it clear that I didn't like it and it soon fizzled. I had the feeling that this woman would have no scruples in going for a married man so I also let her know (by turning up unexpectedly sometimes) that I was onto her and she'd better keep her mitts off my man. It worked. Grin

The irony is that she eventually married and her DH cheated on her....

halfwitpicker · 20/02/2019 01:37

He seems like a bit of a philanthropist your fella :'He has been pretty much raising a boy nearby whose father has been absent and mother has addiction problems'

^

I thought you said he was time poor?!?!

Ty, I should also note she is a very attractive woman and DH, while never cheated or has come close to, has certainly been a big admirer of pretty girls.

^

Why am I not surprised?

treadcarefull · 20/02/2019 01:50

I don't think that's petty at all. If my partner was calling somebody 'just to say hi' I'd be very suspicious without all the other stuff!

Sadiesnakes · 20/02/2019 02:13

Op you are being very naive.

Very very silly thinking this isn't more than friendship. Ignore it and it won't be long before you are back here after discovering it's a full blown affair.
I've read so many story's here over the years like yours where the op comes on wondering if her dh is crossing a line and is unconvinced by the advice given, which is an emotional affair at best, or full blown at worst.
Ignore at your peril.

Original poster
ladymay62321 · 20/02/2019 03:21

He seems like a bit of a philanthropist your fella....I thought you said he was time poor?!?!

Hmm not saying that but yes, that is what takes up a lot of his time??

Ty all..I am definitely not ignore the advice here and as I said, will have the conversation with DH.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 20/02/2019 05:15

The fact that they are discussing their respective relationships and complaining about their partners is troubling. This is a hallmark of emotional affairs, as are the other elements I mentioned.

As to why I don’t think this is fatherly affection, it is the general tone of their ongoing, dynamic, and intimate relationship. There is an intensity. They are investing in each other. She alone gets him 1:1. It feels adult and sexual.

She is a 30 year old attractive woman, and an affair is certainly not far-fetched. I have known quite a few couples in this age bracket. Also, infidelity creates emotional distance between partners, and you have admitted feeling uncomfortable and suspicious about their relationship.

I think he feels entitled to cross-the-line with this OW, and the reasons lie within his character. Key is what she and their relationship symbolize to him about himself. This is an ego boost, and he may be trying to reconnect with a younger version of himself or create an adventure. His boundaries are weak with her.

Please don’t worry about her reaction to you if he cuts contact. They both know that this is inappropriate. You need to make a stand.

frenchonion · 20/02/2019 05:21

You're underrracring for sure. You're getting gut feelings for a reason, and for anyone on the outside looking in its VERY clear why. It's so grim. I have no advice to give on what I'd do about it though. I just don't know. I don't think I'd even try to stop it. If he goes to her then he's not worth an ounce of your time or tears.

Harebellsies · 20/02/2019 05:32

You are underreacting.
This is already an affair of some sort. Put an end to it if you can. FlowersCakeFlowers

MsDogLady · 20/02/2019 05:33

Meant to add: If their relationship has been going on for the better part of 10 months, it is certainly possible that the emotional intimacy has segued into physical involvement.

Harebellsies · 20/02/2019 05:37

Whats her economic status OP?
And are you secure enough to stand your ground, or are you dependent on DH financially?
not that you shouldnt stand your ground in any case, but mumsnet always alerts to getting your financials secured before any major showdown

Decormad38 · 20/02/2019 05:38

I would be suspicious tbh. Texts with little kisses on etc! What’s all that about? What does her OH think of that? He’s probably just normalising it so he can carry on but why is her own dh not building her furniture?

Nc1548 · 20/02/2019 05:44

Underreacting

FlagFish · 20/02/2019 05:54

The bit that would bother me from your post would be the one about building her furniture. Not so much because I wouldn't like him to go over to her house, but because if he is 'time poor' but choosing to spend a significant chunk of his spare time with her, I'd find it a bit of a kick in the teeth. Do you feel their friendship impacts on the amount of time you spend together? Would you like to spend more time with him or are you happy with the current amount?

Gina2012 · 20/02/2019 06:08

don't actually feel like a line has been crossed and I would disagree that he spends 'far too much time' with her (probably once a week).

Then what's the problem?

Why would you want to talk to him if the above is true ?

I think you DO think a line has been crossed. I think you DO think he's having an EA

For me - I think he's angling for a full on affair . I wouldn't trust either of them

Mysterycat23 · 20/02/2019 06:18

Weekly 1 to 1 time with a woman other than his wife, in a non work context?

Fuck that

Gruzinkerbell1 · 20/02/2019 06:23

The line has already had been crossed. You need to talk to your husband.

AllStar14 · 20/02/2019 06:29

I have a close male friend and we act the same way tbh, we text with kisses, he used to tell me off about smoking (I've now quit!) and he has done some work around the house for me. All totally innocent and his wife is lovely, although we have been friends for years before he met his wife so that makes a difference I think.

Having said all that, I know ours is an unusual and uncommon friendship (sadly - a lot of people don't accept that a man and women can be friends). I would bring it up with your DH, you're allowed to be concerned and asking him about it rather than letting your feelings slowly build up is sensible.

Robin2323 · 20/02/2019 06:35

I've always liked older men.
Steady mature confident distinguished established successful.

My dh is 50 plus now and never been so attractive.

At 30 I would be very attracted to him also. (I'm 50 plus now )

If he hadn't already he will develop feelings for her.

What will you say to him when he comes to you and tells you he loves her?

He doesn't of course it's just the stuff if fantasy and mid life but by then he'll be so far in the emotional fog it'll take a lot of time and pain - for both of you to get him out.

Spare him the pain and put your foot down now.

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 20/02/2019 06:36

I dunno, I had a friend who I was like this with, he was going through a rough time so we would talk often and message all the time, there was nothing there just he didn’t really have anyone to talk to and we got on really well.. it’s hard to actually tell with out hearing them on the phone together.

Decormad38 · 20/02/2019 06:39

Ive had male friends over the years who were married. The difference is we rarely messaged individually but rather a group of us in a chat. I would have never put kisses if I had. I always had chats with his wife and laughs she used to call me his work wife. We never met as a pair only in groups. There are some rules I think when you have male married friends that you dont cross.

upsettraintraveller · 20/02/2019 07:55

My DH has a 'friendship' with a woman 20 plus years his junior. Before we got together. They live in different countries but there is text communications between them. She's married and we know her husband. When we meet up, she openly flirts with my H to jar me off I believe, and it's a source of great amusement when the 'friends' are together. I was the cool wife for a while but I've put my foot down as I don't want my husband pictured all over social media with said friend. There were more pictures of them together than he and I after he was tagged in the photos. I've no issue with the friendship although I and his family find it an odd situation. I'd be very surprised if there was anything untoward going on. He is more respectful of my feelings around it as it made me uncomfortable and I had received comments from my friends and family about inappropriateness.

If you feel uncomfortable OP, apply some reasonable boundaries. Put the other way, my marriage would be more important to me than friends and if I was involved in something that my DH found uncomfortable then I'd want to reassure him. All the best

SauvignonMum · 20/02/2019 08:18

I'd watch it like a hawk op. It would make me uncomfortable.

ooooohbetty · 20/02/2019 08:23

There is no way I would ever text someone else's husband or any man like that unless I had designs on them. He will be incredibly flattered because of her age and if they aren't up to anything now they will be eventually. Put your foot down OP.

Parthenope · 20/02/2019 08:30

He is channeling emotional energy, time and attention into someone other than you. They are discussing their partners and problems in their marriages, and sharing in a deeply personal way. They are giving and receiving emotional support and companionship. They have intimacy.

That's what's called friendship, surely? Not specifically in this case where the husband does sound like he's got a white knight syndrome, to put it mildly but in general. It's far too much pressure on a marriage to expect it to fulfil all your emotional needs. It's perfectly possible to have a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex without falling onto their penis.

Weekly 1 to 1 time with a woman other than his wife, in a non work context?

Again, that seems a perfectly normal friendship situation, in general. I'm going to London on Friday for dinner and a play with my male close friend. DH had dinner with a female friend I don't know last week.

Bluntness100 · 20/02/2019 08:37

I've no issue with men and women being friends, but what would concern me here is the signing offf with kisses and the telling her she's beautiful. I think that takes it to a different territory, unless he always signs off with kisses, even to the younger males, and tells them they are good looking?

If this behaviour is jist her, then yes I'd suspect he at least fancies her.

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