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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure if DH's behaviour with female friend inappropriate

104 replies

ladymay62321 · 19/02/2019 22:54

Using friend's account bc she had a very similar problem and got great advice here - just finished reading her thread and was blown away by MNer wisdom! So DH (2nd marriage) has a lot of friends but about 10 months ago met a 30year old female (he's mid 50s). She is in a long-term relationship too.

Lately I've been a bit suspicious of his relationship with her. I don't think they're cheating but feel like there's something there. I want to confront DH in a calm way but not sure if these signs are worth bringing up:

  • he calls her and she calls him 'just to say hi' - considering the age gap I think it's unusual
  • he went to her place the other day to do some work, then stayed and had lunch with her while her partner was not home
  • Their texts are along the lines of 'hope i didn't miss u xx' and 'just saying hi, will call later xx'
  • I know for a fact that he has 'complained' about me to her bc it came up in a different conversation w him. He told her I like to end the night early while he likes to stay out
  • and I know for a fact she complains to him about her OH because on the phone I heard him tell her 'you need to stop having big fights and learn agree to disagree'
  • he scolds her for smoking and said 'you're going to get pregnant one day' and shouldn't do it (she's not a child!)
  • it was her birthday recently and he is building her some furniture (he's extremely time poor so that kinda seemed odd. I didn't think he needed to give her present anyway)

Gosh reading back it all sounds petty and I am probably making DH sound like a wonderfully helpful and caring person but it just feels...off? I have never been threatened by this woman and have only started raising an eyebrow after these signs.

I am kind of predicting the responses and know I'm probably overreacting. I guess I just need some sense knocked into me

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/02/2019 23:52

What are you complaining about then ?

Robin2323 · 19/02/2019 23:53

Tell him to STOP now.
I repeat STOP all contact.
I'm not being dramatic, well maybe I am but this is already into emotional affair territory.

I was also s cool wife and then next minute ow with husband and 3 kids living 1000s of miles away was planning on moving over here and running off with dh.

( I soon cleared that up for her )

But ask yourself this... would he still be her friend if she was sh*t ugly?

Thought not.

This is how you 'could ' approach dh.

Dw 'Dh this friendship is inappropriate. Please drop it. '

Dh 'it's harmless'

Dw 'hollow laugh- she's far too attractive. How could you not fancy her. Hell even I fancy her.
Get a grip dh - its done. '

Then be pleasant and enjoy the rest of your life.

Original poster
ladymay62321 · 19/02/2019 23:54

AnyFucker whether it's worth brining up with him to stop anything from actually happening

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/02/2019 23:56

I wouldn't have stood by and watched it even get this far

Original poster
ladymay62321 · 19/02/2019 23:57

Ty Robin2323 yes I do think I want to bring it up in a 'light' way like that. Like I said, he does have a similar friendship with an elderly widow. I hate to think the main reason I'm worrying about this one is because she is attractive (but I think it's time to be real here!!!)

OP posts:
Original poster
ladymay62321 · 19/02/2019 23:59

AnyFucker

How do you think it has gone too far? Maybe you're right. Things happened subtly and I'm not sure where/if a line has been crossed

OP posts:
expo · 20/02/2019 00:02

@ladymay62321 isn’t the point here though that whether he will cross the line or not, you don’t feel comfortable with it. Everybody has different things they feel comfy or not with. So it should stop. He has plenty of other friends. They have only been friends for 10 months. Unless he is soooooo emotionally invested he can’t do that - but then you have your answer.

AnyFucker · 20/02/2019 00:03

How do you think it has gone too far?

It's all in your first post. He fancies her and I expect him, her, you and your marriage are the subject of much gossip.

I would not tolerate being made an object of tittle tattle and pity by my husband.

user1493423934 · 20/02/2019 00:03

Hmmm. Have you met this woman? DOes he sneak off to talk to her?
The big one for me would be the complaining about you. If it's just stuff like you mentioned - offhand comment about you wanting to come home early- then thats OK. BUT, anything worse then he's moving into dangerous territory IMO.

LonelyMouse · 20/02/2019 00:34

Calling her beautiful, making her gifts and saying they miss each other! No way would I be comfortable with this behaviour. All these little actions will add up to something big.

Original poster
ladymay62321 · 20/02/2019 00:42

Yes I've met her three times and as far as I know there's never been any sneaking around.

Thanks for all the responses Flowers I will talk to him about it

OP posts:
expo · 20/02/2019 00:44

@ladymay62321. Great. Chat to him. Say it makes you uncomfortable and you would like him to pull back. Interesting to see how he responds then.

leonasa · 20/02/2019 00:45

Is there a chance it's almost a fatherly thing? Some of the things he has said seem like it in a way. I'm in my 30s and have close friendships with two male former colleagues in their 50s, both married, I love them both dearly but it's like a older brother/dad kind of relationship! They would absolutely give me advice, we make an effort to see each other and at times we have confided in each other about our OHs too. From what he said to her about her relationship it sounds like he's trying to counsel her to make it work, and the smoking thing too tbh.

I could of course be wrong but I honestly don't think close male female relationships are always dodgy!

Original poster
ladymay62321 · 20/02/2019 00:48

I definitely think it's possible leonasa, those are my initial thoughts based on a lot of other things. He has a lot of friends in their 20s and early 30s and they all do look up to him for advice and support on various things.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 20/02/2019 00:51

Your gut is telling you it’s not right and it sounds like a couple in a relationship, I miss you, kisses, private lunches and furniture building are you mad he’s already crossed the line he’s practically sprinting

Overseasmom100 · 20/02/2019 00:51

One thing Ive learnt from many a year on Mumsnet is to ALWAYS trust your gut instinct and take adice from others on here eg Any Fucker always ends up true.

If his behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable...then it is wrong

rumred · 20/02/2019 00:57

Making someone a gift if you're time poor suggests that someone is extra special, like a partner

MsDogLady · 20/02/2019 00:57

Yes, they are having an emotional affair at the very least. You are underreacting. He is making a fool of you.

He is channeling emotional energy, time and attention into someone other than you. They are discussing their partners and problems in their marriages, and sharing in a deeply personal way. They are giving and receiving emotional support and companionship. They have intimacy.

He has ‘quickly taken to her.’ He is complimenting her beauty, giving her substantial hand-made gifts, and has become protective of her. He is spending alone-time with her in her home.

If you speak to him about your discomfort, he may deny or deflect blame to you by accusing you of being silly, insecure, jealous, controlling, etc. Dont fall for it.

Why are you tolerating this? He is chasing this woman in plain sight. And it is not a fatherly thing.

Original poster
ladymay62321 · 20/02/2019 00:59

OK the 'miss you' thing needs some context. They were meeting somewhere and he was late when she sent 'hope I didn't miss u xx'

Overseasmom100 I've been told an am glad I posted

OP posts:
Original poster
ladymay62321 · 20/02/2019 01:03

MsDogLady definitely emotional intimacy there which I think is unusual given the age gap, hence the 'fatherly' thing. I doubt he will deflect when I bring it up and he will probably stop seeing her after but I hate the idea of him telling her it was because of me, I know she'll ask why.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladymay62321 · 20/02/2019 01:07

MsDogLady is there any reason why you'd rule out the concept of someone being fatherly, especially if he's generally like that. He has been pretty much raising a boy nearby whose father has been absent and mother has addiction problems. Not that this woman is going through any type of crisis, but it doesn't seem crazy to me

OP posts:
LonelyMouse · 20/02/2019 01:08

definitely emotional intimacy there which I think is unusual given the age gap

My ex who I was with for 7 years was 14 years older than me, the one before was 8 years older. Maybe a little bit unusual to have a large age gap in a romantic relationship but certainly not unheard of.

Adora10 · 20/02/2019 01:08

Who gives a shit what she thinks they are blatantly talking about you in a bad light, bet you’re never invited into their cosy meet ups, you’re so under reacting and that uncomfortable feeling is because deep down you feel he’s disrespecting you.

Original poster
ladymay62321 · 20/02/2019 01:13

Hmm there is a 25 year age gap there.

I prodded when it came up regarding his complaining and apparently she said it was a good thing that I like to go home early and that her OH was like that too. I'm not trying to play anything down just keeping things as accurate as possible.

She has invited me over with him and I've been to her place with him twice.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 20/02/2019 01:22

Ignore your gut then OP but it’s never wrong it’s there for a reason.

I highly doubt you know the ins and outs of their private conversations.

Wonder what her boyfriend makes of him building her furniture 🤔