Today is day one of my freedom advice welcome

[anitagreen]

Hi this will be really long and I'm sorry about this, but I could do with some advice and I guess comfort.
I've been with my DP for 9 years since I was 15 we have two small children together in this time I think he was abusing me emotionally and physically but I'm not sure I'll give some examples

I have anxiety because of somethings he used to do, I had a phobia of becoming mentally ill so every day for around 6 months he told me I was a schizophrenic. In this time I went to the doctors twice and asked them if I was they said I wasn't and that I was suffering with anxiety and asked me what was causing it I was So afraid it would happen to me I became anxious with everything.

He would tip ice water over my head if I was rude back to him or said something he didn't like.
He broke my nose back in July last year because I wouldn't change a song over because it had someone he didjt like in the music video, I know this one is wrong
He told me he would get my kids taken from me because I'm unstable but i believe I am stable I've never been diagnosed with a mental illness I've never taken medication for everything, and I've been nothing but honest with my GP, and I'm still waiting for CBT but I haven spoken to the therapist too, and both agree genarilsed anxiety disorder or just Anxiety.
He threatens to hit me when I argue back now because I think I'm a bit stronger
He's broken my phone 3 times I've needed new screens
I'm not allowed out without the children or if he does let me out I'm allowed to the supermarket or school run but if I'm longer than the allowed time then he will accuse me of having an affair.

He tells me I'm mental, he tells me I'm fat I'm ugly I beg my friends to be my friends and that they don't really like me when I don't do any of that okay I've put on weight but I'm not that big.

He doesn't give me any money and if he does it's little bits like 20s and £40 maybe one a month.
Yet he is good with the kids but doesn't take them anywhere though but in he house he's very loving and caring to them.

Sometimes he is really nice to me and tells me he loves but nearly every day he is looking for evidence I am cheating or accusing me that I am
I will admit in the past in rows to get him off my back I have said yes I've done something but I haven't I've had this for 9 years and this is my only long term proper relationship, last night I asked him to go and he started crying telling me I've ruined our relationship the final straw came because I downloaded the app Instagram to have a look at what's on there and follow makeup things as that's my passion this tipped him over the edge as he said this is proof I'm cheating he began checking the profile constantly and making fake accounts to add me on and leave nasty comments on my profile.
He is now gone but keeps accusing me of being with someone else, having men in the house the stress that's coming to me is so bad I am full of intrusive thoughts and fear of what if this what if that. I know he has gone but it doesn't feel like it I feel very nervous and worried I won't cope on my own. The house is in my name so that's secure I just don't know what to do now I'm scared my anxiety will get worse. My family think I have anxiety because of him. But even writing this I still think it's my fault that's made him like this,
I can remember when I used to go and see him before we had kids and lived together and he would take me downstairs of the block he lived in and shout at me for what I done wrong and I'd cry and say sorry and he would tel me it's ok.
There's just so many things like I've never been on a night out with my girl friends as I can't be trusted, I've never been away from the kids for a night incase I cheated, there's just so many things. Is this my fault or is this him?
Another one I posted constantly on mumsnet about my phobia of dying and he kept telling me I'd die soon etc I know I won't but it hasn't helped. I've never reported him to the police and I've never had social services involvement I've tried to deal with it on my own but I don't know really how to be strong now and cope without all the drama and the kids. There behaviour is really bad and I know it's because of everything they've seen. Sorry it's so long

I feel a bit embarrassed also as ive spoke so highly of him my family know the truth and m friends, but on Facebook and on here I've always made out he's really nice and I feel so stupid now I just felt really jealous that I didn't have what others had, reading back what I've wrote now doesn't sound to bad what he's done but i just feel so confused but I think I've done the right thing right now I don't want him back ever again I just want myself and my children to be so happy

OP, have you done the Freedom Programme? You can find a local one on their website or do it online here www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

It might help you get answers to why you feel the way you do and how it happened.

Good luck with each day of your better life.

Agree freedom programme

It’s all him, your post was heartbreaking with the abuse you have suffered

He has gone keep him gone and get your family with you

None of this is you

I believe you.

You will have an amazing life without him and so will the kids.

I haven't done anything just been reading online about how to fix my anxiety and I've slowly started reading about abusive relationships and I think this has hit home a bit I didn't think he would go that actually shocked me, but last night he kept telling me he was coming but I don't think he did I put the locks on and it was ok.

You poor sod. He's really done a number on you.

None of this or his behaviour is your fault. You are an abuse victim and he's lucky he's not in jail.

Please look up the Freedom Programme and Lundy Bancrofts book 'Why Does He Do That. You need to undo the years of mental conditioning. He's literally trained you into believing you are to blame and that you are mental but the truth is that it was all him. Never you.

Don't let him back in. Your children learn how-to have healthy relationships from your example.

Don't teach them that hitting, screaming and crying are ok.

Don't accept any more. No more threats or violence either. Call the Police each and every time he scares you.

Please keep him away so you can rebuild yourself. It won't ever stop unless you work on yourself and break the cycle. Xx

Do you think the anxiety will go down when I learn to relax now he's gone? I haven't felt calm or relaxed in years. If I have a hot bath at night I'm out in ten minutes I don't know how to relax or anything. It's just the bizarre intrusive thoughts that cause me the most distrrsss some times.

There is NO doubt that he is abusing you: financially, emotionally and physically! None! This man is a complete bastard!!!

He has fucked with your head so much you can't see clearly. Let me help: he is clearly an abusive cunt!!

Please see that he has fucked you up, and is now in the process of fucking your kids up. This is NOT of your making. It's all him.

If you are not ready to accept the help social services and the police can give you yet, please contact Women's Aid. You need help to get the strength to get rid of this bastard and start to live the life you and your children DESERVE!

It's taken him years to train you to be this anxious. It will take a while for you to retrain your brain. There is help out there for this, your gp, women's aid, books and online tools. Be kind to yourself and accept this is a process. Relaxing can be learnt! Don't expect it to suddenly happen overnight, but little by little it will. Make that bath a little longer. Learn to breathe again. The future you have now has endless possibilities. Embrace them.

Thank you everyone it has made me really tearful I thought maybe he was a bit abusive but didn't realise how bad it is to others. I feel more free now but still trapped I guess it will lift soon. I will look at the freedom course and give it a go

Dear OP. You are the same age as I was when I left after 8 years.

He has used intimidation to control you for a very very long time when shouting didn’t work he broke your nose! And I will bet you had to tell the hospital some story.

My ex husband was very similar to what you describe. He controlled even how long I was allowed on the toilet, if I was longer I was “cheating” the clothes I wore (Jeans were too tight and asking for attention for example, no sign of any figure allowed). He also convinced me i was paranoid and unstable and I did end up with severe post natal depression) I was on benefits back then, we both were I wasn’t allowed to go to work because i was just looking for someone else. He would go out to the pub all night locking me in the house.

The reality was he had cheated multiple times (he admitted to 3 other women which was of course my fault). And he was expecting the same from me

He used my history of eating disorders to convince me I was fat and ugly and no one else would want me.

Reality: 6 years on I am working in a job I love, with good people around me, my work colleagues are amazing, 2 years ago I met the man I am now with and despite the 5 hours of surgery and scars resulting from an injury my ex caused, the man I am now with loves and adores me. All the “negatives and flaws”’my ex husband focused on my current partner sees as a beautiful part of me.

You have left with good reason. Please don’t be going back. Stay strong and safe.

He will beg and plead and promise to have changed. He won’t have. I have spoken with an abuser and he told me honestly “once I’ve hit you once I will do it again, it will only be a matter of time so if i ever do you need to run and not look back”.

Well done brave woman on leaving

It seems he is the cause of your anxiety ... you can do so much better for yourself .. yes you will have lows but each day without him will get better .. find things for you enjoy your freedom x

because you have experienced a long term trauma that was not your fault and you deserved better. You need to work hard on your freedom and your recovery now.

@OurChristmasMiracle thank you for that message that's really hit a spot with what you said about the abuser part, he's said to me a few weeks ago I've broken your nose I can do so much more than that, and that's what made me think about getting him out. I really hope I can do this I don't ever want to go back to him, and funnily enough I have caught him cheating twice he said it was because I hadn't lost weight and it's my fault I said sorry for some reason I'm not sure why.

anitagreen you said sorry because he has conditioned you to do so. EVERYTHING has been your fault for so long. And you was so young ( I was almost 16 when I met my ex husband who was 9 years older) and he has used your naivety and youth to manipulate and control you.

He will try to guilt trip you. It’s your fault this relationship hasn’t worked. You’ve taken daddy away from your kids how could you do this? (Btw you are doing it for them so they can see what boundaries and a normal
Loving relationship is) he might even resort to threatening to harm himself or even suicide. Be prepared for it. Don’t engage.

Chin up, and take every single day one little baby step at a time.

Oh you poor thing, no wonder you feel so anxious. It is because of the way he has been treating you. You've been suffering appalling abuse from him for years, and he has been making you believe it is your fault. It isn't your fault, none of it is.

Your life will be so much better now he is gone.

Now is the time to report all of this to the police.

Be strong x

I had spoke about my exh and what he did to me with my bf just last week. Although I have given him a an outline of what he did before, I spoke of his emotional control and abuse. That night I had a vivid nightmare of being attacked. I divorced my exh nearly 12 years ago!!

My advice is police always if he threatens you or you feel threatened. Minimum contact about what is absolutely necessary. Don't engage with him.

There will be tough times, but remember how awful they were when you were with him. You got through this and take strength that you are strong and independent woman.

You've got him out, which is the hardest part. Never ever let him back. He won't change and there is happier and better times ahead.

Enjoy your new peace

Well done for being so strong. He’s gone now and your focus needs to be on you and your children.
Do you trust him with the kids? As in do you trust him to bring them back when he sees them etc.
I think the best thing you could do is tell your GP about the abuse and let them help you and your kids, it’s clear to anyone that your ex is the root cause of your anxiety.
Someone needs to know the extent of his abuse, it needs to be officially logged you don’t know what he’s capable of and I think it would be smart to make sure he can’t come near you. I’m not sure what the correct term is for this, a restraining order I’m not sure.

@ThankYouNext19 I do trust him with the kids I think he would return them but I don't even know where to start with the arrangements of seeing them atm.

I'm really struggling tonight with my children they just do not listen to me at all, I have tried getting down to their level, reward charts but nothing helps what can I do?.

It's times like this I miss him because he would of been able to get them in bed in minutes

My daughter just left an abusive relationship but in the few months since I've seen her become happier, she's getting some of her confidence back and she's in touch now with friends that she had lost contact with because of him.You've done the hard bit by getting away from him please don't go back because of the children. Try to have a quiet period after dinner when you can sit down with the children, a bath and reading them a chapter of a book before putting them to bed can help settle them. I may have missed it but I don't recall their ages, are they school age or younger?

Hi @Totaldogsbody they are 2 and nearly 4 so at that hard stage. I hope too like your daughter I get my confidence and happiness back atm it feels very sad x

Op what would he do to get them in bed in minutes