Today is day one of my freedom advice welcome

[anitagreen]

Hi this will be really long and I'm sorry about this, but I could do with some advice and I guess comfort.
I've been with my DP for 9 years since I was 15 we have two small children together in this time I think he was abusing me emotionally and physically but I'm not sure I'll give some examples

I have anxiety because of somethings he used to do, I had a phobia of becoming mentally ill so every day for around 6 months he told me I was a schizophrenic. In this time I went to the doctors twice and asked them if I was they said I wasn't and that I was suffering with anxiety and asked me what was causing it I was So afraid it would happen to me I became anxious with everything.

He would tip ice water over my head if I was rude back to him or said something he didn't like.
He broke my nose back in July last year because I wouldn't change a song over because it had someone he didjt like in the music video, I know this one is wrong
He told me he would get my kids taken from me because I'm unstable but i believe I am stable I've never been diagnosed with a mental illness I've never taken medication for everything, and I've been nothing but honest with my GP, and I'm still waiting for CBT but I haven spoken to the therapist too, and both agree genarilsed anxiety disorder or just Anxiety.
He threatens to hit me when I argue back now because I think I'm a bit stronger
He's broken my phone 3 times I've needed new screens
I'm not allowed out without the children or if he does let me out I'm allowed to the supermarket or school run but if I'm longer than the allowed time then he will accuse me of having an affair.

He tells me I'm mental, he tells me I'm fat I'm ugly I beg my friends to be my friends and that they don't really like me when I don't do any of that okay I've put on weight but I'm not that big.

He doesn't give me any money and if he does it's little bits like 20s and £40 maybe one a month.
Yet he is good with the kids but doesn't take them anywhere though but in he house he's very loving and caring to them.

Sometimes he is really nice to me and tells me he loves but nearly every day he is looking for evidence I am cheating or accusing me that I am
I will admit in the past in rows to get him off my back I have said yes I've done something but I haven't I've had this for 9 years and this is my only long term proper relationship, last night I asked him to go and he started crying telling me I've ruined our relationship the final straw came because I downloaded the app Instagram to have a look at what's on there and follow makeup things as that's my passion this tipped him over the edge as he said this is proof I'm cheating he began checking the profile constantly and making fake accounts to add me on and leave nasty comments on my profile.
He is now gone but keeps accusing me of being with someone else, having men in the house the stress that's coming to me is so bad I am full of intrusive thoughts and fear of what if this what if that. I know he has gone but it doesn't feel like it I feel very nervous and worried I won't cope on my own. The house is in my name so that's secure I just don't know what to do now I'm scared my anxiety will get worse. My family think I have anxiety because of him. But even writing this I still think it's my fault that's made him like this,
I can remember when I used to go and see him before we had kids and lived together and he would take me downstairs of the block he lived in and shout at me for what I done wrong and I'd cry and say sorry and he would tel me it's ok.
There's just so many things like I've never been on a night out with my girl friends as I can't be trusted, I've never been away from the kids for a night incase I cheated, there's just so many things. Is this my fault or is this him?
Another one I posted constantly on mumsnet about my phobia of dying and he kept telling me I'd die soon etc I know I won't but it hasn't helped. I've never reported him to the police and I've never had social services involvement I've tried to deal with it on my own but I don't know really how to be strong now and cope without all the drama and the kids. There behaviour is really bad and I know it's because of everything they've seen. Sorry it's so long

anitagreen
Keep speaking to us Anita you are probably not making mountains out of molehills I think your mother could show more concern for the situation you find yourself in. Having said that my daughter would phone us asking us to go and collect her because he had once again hit her and she was leaving him, I learned on these occasions not to say anything about him I just tried to be there for her. One of the most used tricks controlling partners have is driving a wedge between you and other loved ones so you feel you have no where to turn. They say things like I don't want you to see them they don't like me. My daughter would say to me I just want you to like him and I knew I had to bite my tongue and not call him all the names I wanted to. Perhaps your mum isn't convinced that you are actually through with this guy and doesn't want to say too much in case it will cause a wedge but in not being as supportive of you as she could be is doing the thing she wants to avoid, I don't know its just that for so long I just didn't know what it was safe to say to my daughter. I hope this is the case and you get the support you need from your family once they see that yes it is over. You are doing so well, the children are settling down at night and you've even managed a good nights sleep. This is all to the good your rest is so important, you are doing all the right things, I hope you managed to phone some of the numbers WA gave you having the right type of help is so beneficial at times like these. Sorry this has been such a long post.🌷🌷🌷

It is difficult for outsiders to understand because they see Mr Nice Guy, they don't see how it is behind closed doors, also whilst you are still under his spell, it is so hard to have the vocabulary, to explain the abuse.
My longest best friend never understood, I stopped trying to explain.
You know the truth.
No-one should be subjected to what you had to live with, constant emotional abuse, & frequent beating... even if on occasion there were laughs, All abusers have a nice side if they didn't you would never have been conned into the relationship in the first place.
It is a shame you mother is belittling this behaviour, but people are often drawn to abusers because their own families have accustomed them to similar behaviour.

Well just s little update everyone was right when they said he would tell me everything I wanted to hear except, he told me if I take him back he will go to anger management, couples therapy and so on, I laughed and said ok but I'll still be going out you won't be controlling me anymore , if I want to go to the gym I'm allowed too, if I want to see my friends I can.
He then text me back saying no I won't be going anywhere and that's not what he wants in a woman there's no need for me to go out, so I've blocked again in a way I'm glad he's said all of this because it's exactly what everyone said he would do which proves to me not that I needed it though that he will never change. It's a week today and I feel so much more calmer without him I think I'll be ok hopefully x

exactly he will never change Abusers do not change

I'm glad you've had the conformation you needed.
People, especially abusive people, do not change.

Enjoy your life without him! Now you can go wherever you like, whenever you like! Go on a weekend away with your friends or go out and let your hair down! You deserve to have so much fun and the best life. Xxx

He won't change. I'm glad you saw it. Many years ago I lived with a man who was an emotional abuser, people didn't believe it because I had no bruises. After several attempts to leave him I got out and he found me and persuaded me he'd change and I went back. After a few days I realised he wasn't going to change and I'd made a massive mistake. I planned my exit better next time. He cried, threatened to kill himself, bought me gifts and then when he realised he couldn't change my mind he turned nasty then after a few weeks I found out he'd got somebody else. So much for him saying he couldn't live without me.
You will get stronger every day and it will be a bumpy ride at times but it will be worth it - for your new happy life. X

Thank you all I wasn't going to take him back but I just needed to see what he would say when I said that, he was supposed to be seeing the kids today but because I won't be there I'm guessing he won't, it's a shame but I won't be made to feel like I've done something wrong anymore. I'm excited for this summer x

@anitagreen

Thank goodness you are seeing him as he really is. Great update.

I wish you the best for the future and read the book I sent you, so you can recognise abusers. Hopefully you won't fall into their traps again.

@longtimelurkerhelen thank you I forgot to reply to you sorry but I will defo read it, in a way I'm more happier on my own and I'm really excited now for my future the next thing for me now is to focus on lowering my anxiety and getting past my intrusive thoughts and I think I'll be fine x

Now I can read back from messages he sent they actually are disgraceful this is one because I took to long in Sainsbury's

The 1am ones are what he sent me whilst I was in bed because I didn't want to talk to him as he was in a mood we was in the same house

That really is shocking, thank god you are out. No one should EVER speak to you that way. You are the mother of his children, what a contemptuous piece of shit to call you names.

You will start to feel your self confidence come back soon, you will be great, if fact you are already, you have done one of the most brave things in getting rid of him.

The intrusive thoughts are a bastard, the only thing that seemed to help me is recognising when I was having them and then try to deliberately (you have to force yourself) think of something nice or positive, I know it is very simplistic but it worked for me. You need to find joy in the small things, nice day, pretty flowers, something funny your kids have done etc. It's almost like you have to retrain your thought process. Your CBT course will really help.

I was not angling for a thank you just want you to read it so you can recognise abusers for the future and give them a wide swerve.

@longtimelurkerhelen I will keep trying to calm them down as they are so annoying it always changes and then the thought really sticks in my mind but it's the fear of what if I believe in that thought, even though I don't believe in them at all it's like ooh what if you do? Ooh what if there's truth to it? Totally irrational but annoying all the same. And I will thank you for being so supportive and helpful x

Those messages are vile. Thank goodness you are away from him.

How are you feeling this morning @anitagreen?

None of this is your fault op. You sound really strong. Well done. Things will get easier over time. We'll done for getting this utter shit out.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy hey I've been feeling a lot better actually he hasn't bothered contacting to see the kids so he can't be that upset, I'm just focusing on them and just feel more calmer to be honest how are you?x

I'm good thanks for asking! Very glad to hear you are feeling a bit better.

Just keep taking every day at a time. You can do this.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy thank you! Well as everyone said he would use the children to get at me,
Last night he found a way to facetime me as it were the kids was with me so I accepted the call, the kids was so excited the conversation was awful, they was telling him they miss him and what they've done at school, he didn't say hello, he didn't ask them anything about themselves he didn't smile, all he did was ask them who was in my house and who did mummy have round, my daughter said my friends name and her son, he then called me a dirty slag in front of them both and hung up, safe to say I won't be allowing him too see them any time soon. Awful man leaving him was the making of me I think x

Really strange I think it's because for the first time in 6 days I'm in the house completely alone and any little noise I'm scared someone's in or I can imagine turning around and him standing their very scary and panicky

all he did was ask them who was in my house and who did mummy have round, my daughter said my friends name and her son, he then called me a dirty slag in front of them both and hung up

Evil fucking bastard. Your poor DC!!! Hope they are OK.

Awful man leaving him was the making of me I think

Too damn right!!! Don't worry, you'll get used to peace and quiet soon. You've just been 'trained' to flinch at every noise.

Keep the doors locked, put the radio on, & sing !!!!!

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy
I know right I keep thinking of their little faces being so excited to talk about school and just see him and he does that? he spoke to them like she was a grown man who had done him wrong. I honestly think right now it's best for the foreseeable future he just leaves them alone, and it's true about the flinching he would jump out on me before or stand behind doors and peep through to see how long I'd notice him and I used to crap myself when he done it, but I've made myself lunch and calmed down now. I'm still learning to enjoy silence and calmness lol x

How are you doing today op?

I,ve just read this entire thread and I am appalled at how you have been treated OP.
Nobody deserves that, I hope and pray that this is the begining of a peaceful and calm new life for you

@HazelBite thank you x