Today is day one of my freedom advice welcome

[anitagreen]

Hi this will be really long and I'm sorry about this, but I could do with some advice and I guess comfort.
I've been with my DP for 9 years since I was 15 we have two small children together in this time I think he was abusing me emotionally and physically but I'm not sure I'll give some examples

I have anxiety because of somethings he used to do, I had a phobia of becoming mentally ill so every day for around 6 months he told me I was a schizophrenic. In this time I went to the doctors twice and asked them if I was they said I wasn't and that I was suffering with anxiety and asked me what was causing it I was So afraid it would happen to me I became anxious with everything.

He would tip ice water over my head if I was rude back to him or said something he didn't like.
He broke my nose back in July last year because I wouldn't change a song over because it had someone he didjt like in the music video, I know this one is wrong
He told me he would get my kids taken from me because I'm unstable but i believe I am stable I've never been diagnosed with a mental illness I've never taken medication for everything, and I've been nothing but honest with my GP, and I'm still waiting for CBT but I haven spoken to the therapist too, and both agree genarilsed anxiety disorder or just Anxiety.
He threatens to hit me when I argue back now because I think I'm a bit stronger
He's broken my phone 3 times I've needed new screens
I'm not allowed out without the children or if he does let me out I'm allowed to the supermarket or school run but if I'm longer than the allowed time then he will accuse me of having an affair.

He tells me I'm mental, he tells me I'm fat I'm ugly I beg my friends to be my friends and that they don't really like me when I don't do any of that okay I've put on weight but I'm not that big.

He doesn't give me any money and if he does it's little bits like 20s and £40 maybe one a month.
Yet he is good with the kids but doesn't take them anywhere though but in he house he's very loving and caring to them.

Sometimes he is really nice to me and tells me he loves but nearly every day he is looking for evidence I am cheating or accusing me that I am
I will admit in the past in rows to get him off my back I have said yes I've done something but I haven't I've had this for 9 years and this is my only long term proper relationship, last night I asked him to go and he started crying telling me I've ruined our relationship the final straw came because I downloaded the app Instagram to have a look at what's on there and follow makeup things as that's my passion this tipped him over the edge as he said this is proof I'm cheating he began checking the profile constantly and making fake accounts to add me on and leave nasty comments on my profile.
He is now gone but keeps accusing me of being with someone else, having men in the house the stress that's coming to me is so bad I am full of intrusive thoughts and fear of what if this what if that. I know he has gone but it doesn't feel like it I feel very nervous and worried I won't cope on my own. The house is in my name so that's secure I just don't know what to do now I'm scared my anxiety will get worse. My family think I have anxiety because of him. But even writing this I still think it's my fault that's made him like this,
I can remember when I used to go and see him before we had kids and lived together and he would take me downstairs of the block he lived in and shout at me for what I done wrong and I'd cry and say sorry and he would tel me it's ok.
There's just so many things like I've never been on a night out with my girl friends as I can't be trusted, I've never been away from the kids for a night incase I cheated, there's just so many things. Is this my fault or is this him?
Another one I posted constantly on mumsnet about my phobia of dying and he kept telling me I'd die soon etc I know I won't but it hasn't helped. I've never reported him to the police and I've never had social services involvement I've tried to deal with it on my own but I don't know really how to be strong now and cope without all the drama and the kids. There behaviour is really bad and I know it's because of everything they've seen. Sorry it's so long

Thank you everyone for the replies again, I'm watching the programme abused on Channel 5 it's really hit a nerve part of me no wants to report him for what he did, the other half of me feels confused and doesn't want that. I know now we can never be together again so that's one good thing to come from all this before I used to take him back the same day. It's been 3/4 days now and I'm doing ok, I think I was more upset distressed today because of my aunts passing but I really really hope one day I am so happy and my children be proud of me. Just right now I feel very sad and irritable and tearful x

He is an abusive scumbag and I'm so proud of you for leaving! You are going to have an amazing life without him.

@Mrsmummy90 thank you it still feels really raw I woke up this morning feeling suicidal I feel a little better now but I think I'm only just realising now what he's actually done to me and I feel so sad that he's done this to me I keep imagining his face smiling and laughing at me and it hurts

Sending you a big hug!

If you are feeling suicidal again, please call Samaritans on: 116 123
Or go to A&E.

Leaving abusive relationships are so hard as you're breaking the cycle of control and it's really difficult. The longer you're away from him, the easier it will get.

I've left abusive relationships and now that I'm with my amazing husband, I look back on the bad ones and wonder why I ever stayed.
No matter what he's told you, you are worth so much more than that, you are beautiful, you are strong, you have people who love you and it will be ok. Xxxxxxx

@Mrsmummy90 that's really helpful to know it was horrible I woke up and the feeling was right there and I've had intrusive thoughts before about dying but this was awful, I just felt really numb but thank god i did snap out of it but just those 30 minutes of feeling like that frightened me. I'm going to call woman's aid today but I feel silly because compared to others the abuse wasn't that bad he didn't beat me every day only maybe hit me once a month or every two months but the emotional abuse was there every day
I just don't know how to get through this or what I'm meant to be doing x

And sorry I haven't replied to everyone individually but I'm so great full for everyone's help and comments thank you for looking after me x

I feel silly because compared to others the abuse wasn't that bad he didn't beat me every day only maybe hit me once a month or every two months

Please don't feel silly. What he put you through was horrific. Please call them as soon as possible. They honestly will help.

If you feel suicidal again could you talk to your GP?

Keep going @anitagreen we are here for you.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy I could do actually I feel more positive now but I'm wondering if my hormones and all these random vitamins I've been taking are making me feel crap too. I will call them later on woman's aid that is and just see what they say I know I've got my cbt coming up soon so that should help but I do think I maybe need some counselling or something x

He only hit you once, or every couple of MONTHS
Just one time is enough. Did you ever have to go to GP ?
You should get this logged with GP and police.
This will seriously help your case if/when he starts fighting for access to DC
WA are often busy in the daytime, you can ask for a recall, or call again in the evening.
You have been physically, emotionally & financially abused.
Make a list of bullet points when you call WA, it will keep you focussed.

Feeling really low again my family just doesn't seem to understand it at all, my son has been so naughty again and I'm just struggling to cope I spoke to my Nan about it and my mum and they are both kicking off about I'm more a less asking to give them away and other mothers cope, but I'm not asking for that and I'm asking for help but I don't know where to ask, I don't know what I'm asking for I just know I don't want to feel like this anymore I feel ok one minute then the next I'm low and don't know if I'd be better off just not being here, I don't want to die I don't want to go anywhere I just want to be happy and not have all these negative thoughts and feelings.

We are still here OP. I think you should make an appointment with your GP.

I'm sorry your family is not more supporting. God knows kids can be exhausting at the best of times; and this isn't the best of times for you.

Realistically, most people don't understand how you live if you live with an abuser. they nod & say "move on".
So Yes you may need to get some anti depressants, but be kind to yourself, it's bound to be hard, it really is step by step, day by day.
Soon, you will look up & see the sky, & think wow, I feel so much better
If DS is being naughty, take him out & let him play in the park... you can do it now, it doesn't matter when you come home, if he gets dirty, let him blow off steam.
Think of the good things you have, a secure home, 2 beautiful children,
freedom to make your own choices.

This is maybe a silly thing but to remind yourself why you need to be strong why not put a picture of your DS on your bedside table or on your pillow with some affirmative words on it like "today I'm will be strong for you" so it's the first thing you see on waking and feeling awful and also use your DS's photo as your screensaver/wallpaper on your phone? Both small steps but may help -as well as all the excellent advice given to you by previous posters.

I have tried calling woman's aid but haven't been able to get through, I feel much more calmer now still have the odd thought but I think that's more an obsessive thought I've been dealing with as my anxiety anyway.
Children are in bed sleeping so that's helping and I'm just settling down now to catch up on soaps
I'm hoping I don't need antidepressants but I honestly don't mind , if this mood persists I will try them but hoping it doesn't come to that. I do want to be stronger for my children and just want to be happy
I looked at booking a few days away at the seaside but funds are low at the moment but it's given me a goal to focus on a little so I feel happy about that x

Yes, try WA later, (they are always busy.)

Just a heads up re your anxiety, your XP will use it against you re DC. He will say you are unstable, unfit.... they all do. It is part of the script.
However, essentially, you were fit & stable enough to throw his cheating abusive arse out.

Thanks @Mix56 I just spoke to the most lovely lady ever she said everything I told her is abuse and gave me some good contact numbers to phone tomorrow, feel relieved in a way that this is happening but I still feel like I'm doing him wrong by pursuing this but I know it's to help myself and to undo years of mental bullying. I think hitting rock bottom was the point where I thought fuck you I need my mental health to get back to being 100%, and it's him who's done this I believe so anyway. I just really really hope now I do feel happier in time and enjoy my life I'm 25 and other than having children I haven't done anything at all really. X

I think you're incredibly brave Anita. It's so courageous to act on that fuck 𝙮𝙤𝙪 moment when it feels like the easiest thing is to just go back. You're an awesome woman, and the old you is still there - you'll find your way back xx

Yes, SO many women never have the courage you are so young, you have a whole long life ahead, it will be so much better than anything he could ever offer.
I promise you this wobbling you have is sll part of awaking from the evilness of his domestic violence.
It is a recognized crime.

@Mix56 @Spartasprout thank you both I am feeling quite calm now xx

Hope you have a good nights sleep and wake up feeling refreshed x

@anitagreen

My heart goes out to you. Make no mistake, you were in a horrifically abusive situation. Emotional abuse is considered one the most damaging as it is constant and no one outside your relationship can see it.

I sent you a private message with a link to the book others in this thread recommended. Please read it, I really think it will help clarify the abuse you have suffered.

It is no wonder you are anxious, IT WON'T LAST, you will be happy again.

All the going over and over everything in your mind and thinking of the worst outcomes is called catastrophizing, you will see this come up when you do your CBT course and ways to overcome this thinking and get things in perspective. Everything you are going through is normal and to be expected when you have just pulled yourself out of this situation. When you are feeling really bad, I find it helps to do some exercise as it gets the anxiety to lessen. A brisk walk will do it and fresh air helps me too or anything that gets the blood pumping.

Look after yourself and make sure you eat and drink enough. Try and have some things to look forward to, even if it is just a nice bit of cake or choccy or whatever makes you happy, and take joy in your newfound freedom.

Best wishes. &

Sorry meant to say, try lavender in your bath as it is calming and soothing. Also if you are not keen on anti depressants, you could try rescue remedy (holland and barrett), few drops on your tongue. Works very well.

@longtimelurkerhelen I will try what you mentioned I do like lavender bubble bath so I might try that I did have a good nights sleep last night actually x

Feel like I need to start an Aibu at this rate, I haven't heard much from my mum at all, so I messaged her as the last time I spoke to her I text her upset at the thoughts I was having and how scared I was, she text me back saying take deep breaths it will pass, then that was it, nothing else all day so I text her this morning and said surely it wouldn't of hurt to check I was ok?? And she text back saying I thought it was all a bit to much for me to be honest . I'm honestly lost for words now I feel like this is me being a drama queen or making a mountain out of a molehill I honestly don't know what to think? Just finding it a struggle not really having an outlet to speak other than on here.

Sorry to hear you're not getting support from your family, but keep posting here- we're all thinking of you and wishing you strength & happiness