Today is day one of my freedom advice welcome

[anitagreen]

Hi this will be really long and I'm sorry about this, but I could do with some advice and I guess comfort.
I've been with my DP for 9 years since I was 15 we have two small children together in this time I think he was abusing me emotionally and physically but I'm not sure I'll give some examples

I have anxiety because of somethings he used to do, I had a phobia of becoming mentally ill so every day for around 6 months he told me I was a schizophrenic. In this time I went to the doctors twice and asked them if I was they said I wasn't and that I was suffering with anxiety and asked me what was causing it I was So afraid it would happen to me I became anxious with everything.

He would tip ice water over my head if I was rude back to him or said something he didn't like.
He broke my nose back in July last year because I wouldn't change a song over because it had someone he didjt like in the music video, I know this one is wrong
He told me he would get my kids taken from me because I'm unstable but i believe I am stable I've never been diagnosed with a mental illness I've never taken medication for everything, and I've been nothing but honest with my GP, and I'm still waiting for CBT but I haven spoken to the therapist too, and both agree genarilsed anxiety disorder or just Anxiety.
He threatens to hit me when I argue back now because I think I'm a bit stronger
He's broken my phone 3 times I've needed new screens
I'm not allowed out without the children or if he does let me out I'm allowed to the supermarket or school run but if I'm longer than the allowed time then he will accuse me of having an affair.

He tells me I'm mental, he tells me I'm fat I'm ugly I beg my friends to be my friends and that they don't really like me when I don't do any of that okay I've put on weight but I'm not that big.

He doesn't give me any money and if he does it's little bits like 20s and £40 maybe one a month.
Yet he is good with the kids but doesn't take them anywhere though but in he house he's very loving and caring to them.

Sometimes he is really nice to me and tells me he loves but nearly every day he is looking for evidence I am cheating or accusing me that I am
I will admit in the past in rows to get him off my back I have said yes I've done something but I haven't I've had this for 9 years and this is my only long term proper relationship, last night I asked him to go and he started crying telling me I've ruined our relationship the final straw came because I downloaded the app Instagram to have a look at what's on there and follow makeup things as that's my passion this tipped him over the edge as he said this is proof I'm cheating he began checking the profile constantly and making fake accounts to add me on and leave nasty comments on my profile.
He is now gone but keeps accusing me of being with someone else, having men in the house the stress that's coming to me is so bad I am full of intrusive thoughts and fear of what if this what if that. I know he has gone but it doesn't feel like it I feel very nervous and worried I won't cope on my own. The house is in my name so that's secure I just don't know what to do now I'm scared my anxiety will get worse. My family think I have anxiety because of him. But even writing this I still think it's my fault that's made him like this,
I can remember when I used to go and see him before we had kids and lived together and he would take me downstairs of the block he lived in and shout at me for what I done wrong and I'd cry and say sorry and he would tel me it's ok.
There's just so many things like I've never been on a night out with my girl friends as I can't be trusted, I've never been away from the kids for a night incase I cheated, there's just so many things. Is this my fault or is this him?
Another one I posted constantly on mumsnet about my phobia of dying and he kept telling me I'd die soon etc I know I won't but it hasn't helped. I've never reported him to the police and I've never had social services involvement I've tried to deal with it on my own but I don't know really how to be strong now and cope without all the drama and the kids. There behaviour is really bad and I know it's because of everything they've seen. Sorry it's so long

@longtimelurkerhelen hey I'm doing a bit crap to be honest I thought I was doing well but I feel shit with stress my mum not bothering with me has really upset me so I blocked her, in this time she didn't bother asking about me or the kids neither did any other family. My dad then sent a laughing face today when I had a photo up on Facebook about people not seeing my children it was probably stupid of me to post the photo in the first place, but to laugh at it has really bothered me and I feel very angry with them and just upset. I never thought I'd go no contact with my family but here we are . X

@anitagreen

I'm sorry to hear that. Some people just cannot deal with mental health problems, I think it is because they don't understand it or it scares them, so tend to ignore and hope it resolves without their input. It is really hurtful when it is your family that are not supporting you. It's not because they don't love you or care about you, they just don't know how to deal with it. I have a family member who just does not get it (thinks you can snap out it etc).

As you said, it's never a good idea to put anything passive aggressive on social media, they will already know how you feel and you will always get either a bad or no reaction at all.

You are going to have bad days and good days. Just breathe and get through the next 15 minutes.

Have you got a date yet for your CBT?

I hope they see sense and apologise! Sorry to hear you're not getting their support!

@longtimelurkerhelen I haven't as of yet no,
But they've always been like this I honestly do not know why I still try with them. From when I was very young they treated me awful I was always made to feel like a burden as such and my mum is the type to phone me to slag of my brothers or dad, then when I've annoyed her somehow do the same to them but about me, my brother hates the pair of them, and my other brother just does his own thing. It's sad really luckily my Nan is a massive help in my life and has been more like a mother to me than my own mum ever has, I think I just feel crap because it's my mum at the end of the day and I feel like she should treat me how I deserve to be treated I've not done anything wrong and it boils my piss so bad x

Best of luck to you and your kids. I hope you find some rl support - perhaps try to reach out to trusted friends if your family is not going to help you.
You are absolutely right in that your ex is abusive and as you tricked him into showing - he’s not going to change. He’s actually mentally deranged and I don’t use that term lightly but he’s responses to you are not just controlling and abusive, they are abnormal. You can’t fix him and he won’t be able to fix himself no matter what he says mainly because he won’t ever admit what he does is wrong. He will probably continue to do both contact you and apologies and make a thousand promises he can’t keep and call you names, threaten you and tell you how awful you are and that he’ll get the kids/you’ll never meet anyone else. It’s all rubbish.
One step at a time, keep seeing the GP when you need, get enrolled on the freedom programme as soon as you can, join the gym if you have any time where the kids are in nursery/school and one step at a time it will get easier. You can do it.

@Noname99 thank you for the support too x

Hey everyone just thought I'd give an update as such I finally have my first CBT session next Friday I am so excited, I do feel an overwhelming feeling of sadness at the moment about the way my parents have treated me lately doesn't help they spoke bad of me the last few days to my Nan because I deleted them both from Facebook, they are both late 40s I honestly feel they need to grow up and just stop being so childish but that's what I struggle with knowing they speak so awful of me they do it to my brothers too and it really annoys me!. I hope I start to feel more happier and peaceful soon, if anyone has any advice on how to feel less anxious and more happy I'd love to hear it too x hope everyone is well x

That's great, I'm glad you didn't have to wait too long for the CBT.

I'm sorry you are not getting support from your family, some people just shouldn't be parents. Would your brothers be of any help to talk to etc?

You could try doing some mindfulness for anxiety, YouTube has a lot of video's, you just need to find one that you like (some have really annoying voices, but that might just be me lol).

Start taking B12 and Vit D and get a good lavender spray for your pillow if you are still having trouble sleeping. Also as I said doing some exercise will really help, it needs to be so you are out of breath. Your heart rate needs to be going like the clappers for a short while, interval training is really good for this, also treadmill or just going for a really brisk walk.

Hope you feel better soon. & are also good to cheer you up.

Hiya an update from me been really stupid, ended up taking him back as he promised me he'd changed and everything he began working and really making an effort for the past month,
this week the real him has shown itself again. I know this time he has to go for good and I feel strong but I'm scared about staying in the house on my own again with the kids I was doing so well I'm also 6 weeks pregnant I feel like a massive idiot. I had just sorted out routines for children and myself and it's all up in the air I'm worried and I'm scared he's abuse has set all my intrusive thoughts off again

Taking an abuser back is not uncommon. You miss the good bits of him plus, in a way, the you you are with him is the you you have been for the last 9 years. Other than the last few months you have spent all your adult life with him, and the thought (and reality) of being without him must, in a way, seem very scary. Who are you? Who are you without him?

Trust me, you are a wonderful person! You do not need him. He has not changed, and will not change. Things may be scary without him, but I bet they're less scary than the thought of being with him. Yes, there's a helluva lot of uncertainty regarding life without him, fear of the unknown, better the devil you know..... but one thing is certain. The journey may seem tough, but at least the destination is a good one.

Good luck getting (and staying) away from him! (And apologies if the above seems trite - I know what I'm trying to say.)

Someone will be along soon and will correct me (!) but it takes up to 7 goes to leave an abusive relationship.

You've done so well; just focus on getting him out again, and repeat.

Have you had a chance to do the Freedom Programme? You can sign up to do it online.

@H2OH20Everywhere everything you have said makes perfect sense as did what everyone else said I honestly really do appreciate it, I just can't believe how stupid I've been hopefully this will be it now with him and I can just become much more happier because he's just dragged me down for the last 9 years.

@Imleavingonajetplane Hiya thank you for your message I never did get a chance to do it so I'll look to doing it online I'm hoping it helps. C

@anitagreen - DO IT NOW!!!!!

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