Today is day one of my freedom advice welcome

[anitagreen]

Hi this will be really long and I'm sorry about this, but I could do with some advice and I guess comfort.
I've been with my DP for 9 years since I was 15 we have two small children together in this time I think he was abusing me emotionally and physically but I'm not sure I'll give some examples

I have anxiety because of somethings he used to do, I had a phobia of becoming mentally ill so every day for around 6 months he told me I was a schizophrenic. In this time I went to the doctors twice and asked them if I was they said I wasn't and that I was suffering with anxiety and asked me what was causing it I was So afraid it would happen to me I became anxious with everything.

He would tip ice water over my head if I was rude back to him or said something he didn't like.
He broke my nose back in July last year because I wouldn't change a song over because it had someone he didjt like in the music video, I know this one is wrong
He told me he would get my kids taken from me because I'm unstable but i believe I am stable I've never been diagnosed with a mental illness I've never taken medication for everything, and I've been nothing but honest with my GP, and I'm still waiting for CBT but I haven spoken to the therapist too, and both agree genarilsed anxiety disorder or just Anxiety.
He threatens to hit me when I argue back now because I think I'm a bit stronger
He's broken my phone 3 times I've needed new screens
I'm not allowed out without the children or if he does let me out I'm allowed to the supermarket or school run but if I'm longer than the allowed time then he will accuse me of having an affair.

He tells me I'm mental, he tells me I'm fat I'm ugly I beg my friends to be my friends and that they don't really like me when I don't do any of that okay I've put on weight but I'm not that big.

He doesn't give me any money and if he does it's little bits like 20s and £40 maybe one a month.
Yet he is good with the kids but doesn't take them anywhere though but in he house he's very loving and caring to them.

Sometimes he is really nice to me and tells me he loves but nearly every day he is looking for evidence I am cheating or accusing me that I am
I will admit in the past in rows to get him off my back I have said yes I've done something but I haven't I've had this for 9 years and this is my only long term proper relationship, last night I asked him to go and he started crying telling me I've ruined our relationship the final straw came because I downloaded the app Instagram to have a look at what's on there and follow makeup things as that's my passion this tipped him over the edge as he said this is proof I'm cheating he began checking the profile constantly and making fake accounts to add me on and leave nasty comments on my profile.
He is now gone but keeps accusing me of being with someone else, having men in the house the stress that's coming to me is so bad I am full of intrusive thoughts and fear of what if this what if that. I know he has gone but it doesn't feel like it I feel very nervous and worried I won't cope on my own. The house is in my name so that's secure I just don't know what to do now I'm scared my anxiety will get worse. My family think I have anxiety because of him. But even writing this I still think it's my fault that's made him like this,
I can remember when I used to go and see him before we had kids and lived together and he would take me downstairs of the block he lived in and shout at me for what I done wrong and I'd cry and say sorry and he would tel me it's ok.
There's just so many things like I've never been on a night out with my girl friends as I can't be trusted, I've never been away from the kids for a night incase I cheated, there's just so many things. Is this my fault or is this him?
Another one I posted constantly on mumsnet about my phobia of dying and he kept telling me I'd die soon etc I know I won't but it hasn't helped. I've never reported him to the police and I've never had social services involvement I've tried to deal with it on my own but I don't know really how to be strong now and cope without all the drama and the kids. There behaviour is really bad and I know it's because of everything they've seen. Sorry it's so long

Maybe they would be in bed in minutes because they are frightned of him? Maybe with you they can express true feelings because they feel they can be themselves around you. I know that doesnt help you with their behaviour but they will soon learn and get used to your way of doing things you just need to be strong and keep trying.

Don't try to 'save' him any more. You must call 101 and log each and every incident of abuse he makes now.

You don't know how far he will go now you've taken away his control so give the Police a chain of complaints to use to protect you. Every threatening text or incident he makes you afraid, record and report.

Especially so he can't interfere with your full custody of the kids.

OP, I was horrified reading your original post.

What that bastard has done to you! I'm so so so proud of you for making him leave. Please, do not EVER let him worm his way back into your life again.

Have you told anyone in real life that he's gone? Do you have any support from your family? It will get better, I promise.

Please also consider reporting his past abuse (especially the broken nose) to the police on 101 and tell them he is now out but you are worried for your safety.

Keep on keeping on, @Fannybaws52

Hi @anitagreen as I said in my last post after dinner bathe them and sit down with them, do something calming with them, read, draw but spend time with them. You need to remember that they'll be confused to and miss him. You said he was good with them and could calm them and get them to bed, how did he do that, is it something you could do to. This is an upsetting time for all of you but see it through and things will become easier its just all so raw and new to you at the moment, give it time and I'm sure you will feel happier in yourself and your children will recognise that they pick up in so much even at their young ages. Good luck to you.

Hi everyone thank you for all the replies again, and I don't know how he does it he just says time for bed come on and gives them a kiss and puts them to bed and they just listen to him and go straight in and don't mess about, for me it's come on it's bed time give me a kiss and a cuddle, they are in bed then within ten minutes they are running up the stairs messing around.

He text me last night saying how he's aware now of everything he's done to me and it's made him feel sick but him writing that has made me more determined to stay away it's good he's realised but then he could just be saying all this, the fact he wrote "I did a lot to you and it's disgusting"
It just made me feel ill. I do feel more calmer but when I came earlier from my Nans home I had a anxiety attack as I still associate this house with him and I'm so used to coming in and being questioned it's horrible.
I also spoke to the CBT therapy people today and they said I'm 13 on the list now so I'm happy about that, but even that I'm worrying about worrying again, any little thing I'm worrying about is the house tidy enough when I know it is, am I mentally ok like it's just very draining sometimes being me. Thank you all again for the support it helps to keep posting on here x

@Totaldogsbody I'm going to try this tonight I've got dinner on now, once they've eaten that a bath and then new pjs and bed I'll read them a story I might just sit on the stairs tonight so when they come out instead of letting them get all the way up stairs I can just gently return them back to bed until they get bored?x

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy
I have told family my Nan has been a great support not really heard from anyone else but I'm coping ok x

Take it a day at a time and everyday is another day without him pulling you down and you will get stronger and happier every day. Your kids will be upset and confused as he's undermined you and put you down and they'll have picked up on this now they need to know where they stand with you and to know you love them.

Make a set of house rules with them, and write up big and put them on a wall so all can see Maybe about 5 or 6 not too many, and phrase them as positives things like "we be nice to each other". Work out rewards for doing these things and catch them being good. Don't focus too much on the negatives

Just be calm and consistent with your kids and keep praising them when they're good and focus as much as you can on what they do well. Have a jar and put counters or marbles in for each child every time they do what you want them to do. Make it a group thing so they are all responsible for behaving well otherwise they don't get the treat at the weekend. Say right one counter for going nicely to bed, one counter for staying in bed quietly etc etc and at the end of the week if you've earned enough counters we'll have a treat (not too big or expensive but something to do together like watch a film and have a pizza.

It'll be hard work but just keep at it and you'll see changes. As things improve add other rules in that you want them to work on and you can change the rewards as the kids get bored etc

Hi OP he has admitted to it so that you will forgive him and give him another chance becauae “he now knows what he’s done and it won’t ever happen again” but it WILL. I guarantee you it will.

He knew what he was doing at the time. Stay strong. Your kids are adjusting and probably confused. They are also probably picking up on how your feeling. Keep to routine as much as possible.

You absolutely can do this on your own, you have your home and are secure. The only reason you are doubting yourself is because of his poison.

You've done the right thing by you and your children by removing this hellish abuser from all of your lives.

The children are still young and qlthpugh their ages are tough it's a good age to mould their behaviour. He probably got them to bed by aggression and intimidation and that's not what you want is it?

You've has the stuffing knocked out of you but you are so much more capable than you know.

Set bedtime and set routine Baths always help in my house, favourite toy to cuddle and bedtime story.

No TV or screens 2 hours before bed and a visual timetable so they know what's coming and when.

It you could make a small reading nook with some fairy lights and cushions in a corner to settle them in the run up to bedtime? It will be difficult at first but if you persist things will improve.

Being a single parent is tough sometimes but nothing compared to what you were going through.

We are all here to support you xx

@Closetbeanmuncher I really like that idea of a corner with lights on I think I could get one of those teepee things for them to sit in and read in there that sounds calming and nice, weirdly enough they have both gone straight to sleep tonight without any arguments or anything, they've stopped asking for him already so guessing this is a good sign I'm quite shocked by it to be honest.
And the no tv is a good one as I usually give up and just put the telly back on but I didn't do that tonight and it seems to of worked me being more firmer but gentle without shouting. Thank you for the support you, and the rest of the other posters it's helping me lots. X

"I know this one is wrong..."

OP, it's all wrong!! He's been awful to you! Your post is just horrific. You poor thing

Stay strong, you can do this. You deserve so much better

They'll have gone straight to bed for him because they were scared. It's not unusual for 2 and 4 year olds to resist going to bed - what's good Is that they feel secure with you and not like they have to be perfect.

Do NOT take any notice of his fake remorseful messages. He is an abuser and a bully and you're going to do much better without him. He doesn't still have keys to get into your house, does he?

OP you are doing so incredibly well
You are much stronger than you are icing yourself credit for believe me

Is there anyone you can use as communication in regards the children ?
If you go no contact with him he has less chance of trying to manipulate you into letting him back home....because trust me that's what he is going to do you

He is going to use every tactic he can to work his way back in, promise
You the world but it's all fucking lies all of it
Men like him don't know how to change and no amount of chances or hoping will change that.

I couldn't believe how low my ex partner stooped when I left him and wouldn't engage....he even told me he was in hospital through taking an overdose ...it was all bullshit I rang every hospital near us,

They don't like the realisation that the power has shifted, don't know how to deal with it and that's what makes them more dangerous sometimes

Please get in touch with women's aid, also contact your local police service they can put a marker on your house just in case

I'm almost 12 months down the line and I can tell you now you've made the right decision

Keep all the texts he sends that acknowledge how he treated you.

He might not always be as honest and it will be helpful in future for you to have it written down.

He's treated you dreadfully. Well done for getting free.

When I was in the same situation I found a support worker from women's aid was helpful and they had somebody else who worked with my children. It had affected them more than I realized.

I left an abusive relationship.

Can I suggest you change the locks .

Secondly it does take a while to develop your own self belief .

I also recommend you go to police and log whatvgas happened , you have proof with the texts.

Next do expect change not moods to get you back where you belong .

You might think genus a good dad give yourself some space and see how he controls the children.

Do the freedom program it will give you more understanding .

Minimise any communication . If you don’t need yo reply then don’t.

I would also do things that make it feel different in home even if it is a new duvet cushions. Move things around.

My ex would not let me watch hospital dramas. I watched them because I could now . It was actually quite empowering.

Please don't let him back. If he requests contact with the kids, tell him to go through a contact centre. He's violent, having broken your nose and threatened more. He should not see them alone.

Feel very anxious and overwhelmed today almost scared I'm never going to stop feeling anxious or have intrusive thoughts it's really horrible, people who said he will try and come back again was correct he asked today to see the kids I said yes but not in my house he then said it's fine then if you want to control me? He knows it's the anniversary of my aunts death today and I'm struggling as it is. He then made jokes about us having sex and making up i mean it's just disgusting but in a way I'm glad he's doing this as it makes me hate him even more.
He has no keys to the house so that's one good thing I'm going over to my mums house now to see her for a whilst so I should be able to relax a little around there,
I'm just so tired of this stressed out version of me and the thoughts the anxiety feels like it'll never leave

You're doing amazing honestly

I'm not going to lie to you this will get a lot harder before it gets any easier

He will use every trick in the book to worm his way back in, the shit has nowhere near hit the fan yet, it's only been a few days he will think you're just blowing a gasket and he will be back in the big bed before the weeks out.
Have you contacted women's aid yet ?

@ilovepinkgin33 I haven't yet I'm to scared incase they involve social services or something but Ill get the courage too somehow x

Feel very anxious and overwhelmed today almost scared I'm never going to stop feeling anxious or have intrusive thoughts

You will; it will just take some time. It's great that you are on the waiting list for some CBT.

Don't be sacred about calling Women's Aid. They will not involve social services - why would they? Your kids are safe with you. They might be able to talk you through some of your anxiety.

You are doing SO well, even if it doesn't feel like it yet. Hope you have a nice time at your Mum's.

You don't have to let him see the kids yet; give them a little time to adjust.

I think the idea of a reading corner/teepee with fairy lights sounds lovely. I want one for me!

Keep going @anitagreen we are all behind you and sending strength.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy
I think it's my Nan putting the fear into me that they will take them for some reason? Probably another irrational fear to be honest lol. I've decided for now he's not seeing them just until I feel more normal again. Although I don't miss him or anything like that I'm wary if I see him I'll be swayed to letting him back and I don't want that to happen at all. Do you think it's possible I'll be happy again in time?
And thank you I hope they do like the teepee too x

Do you think it's possible I'll be happy again in time?

Yes you will, I promise. The CBT will help. Time will help.

You might find some useful articles and information on the link below (and lots of people on MN recommend reading his book 'Why does he do this?')

lundybancroft.com

Freedom takes a while to get used to.
He has really brainwashed you, being scared it's untidy... etc, so there are a few things you can do, & firstly, why not move the furniture around? buy a throw for the sofa, take down an photos with him in, buy new bed linen, buy yourself some flowers & really look at them.
Try not doing the washing up, or clearing the table ... enjoy the dust settling in every sense of the term.
You don't have to read or respond to his calls, texts. on the contrary it's all poison, & he will be determined to get back in in away possible, he has lost his accommodation & at this point not seeing his DC.you can tell him you will only respond via email, on the subject of DC. then block his phone number.
If you see there is a message, Don't rush to read it, & certainly do not feel the need to respond immediately, take your time to reply with when you have had time to think, the next day.... do not jump to his tune, as you so rightly say, this is your freedom

Does he work ? if not, You need to see about Parental Responsibility. once this is established, all his idle threats of taking DC are in the wind.
Do the necessary admin for child maintenance, get it deducted at source, no point in expecting him to do the right thing, he will use any trick to screw you over once he realizes that you will no have him back.

Get him off your address for tax
Change your log in for facebook, email, WhatsApp, instagram, bank etc, anything he might know the log in for.

As for worrying about him waiting for you if you are out,.... (& please do go out, to the park, to soft play, to the swimming pool, go out for a pizza, sit in a mall.... revel in it), use the Grey rock technique, minimal replies, no emotion. if he harasses you call the Police

Sorry if this is becoming a long list, just tackle one thing at a time...
it will make it real. Well Done, soon you will feel so much better.
You are doing this for your kids too. See how they thrive.

I think PP is right if you've still got them keep his texts to you that detail what he's done to you, its all evidence that the Police can use if you need a restraining order. It's hard on you just now but as your confidence returns things will become easier. Mix56 is spot on with advise in regards to finance and social media passwords etc. Keep your chin up, you've done nothing that social services could be called for, you're taking good care or your children. Women's aid will help you if you let them, talk to them they may help you straighten the mess that must be going on in your head at the moment, remember you'll not tell them anything they haven't heard a thousand times before.