**TRIGGER WARNING** Adult DD has just disclosed to me.

[UserAndTheNumbersThing]

Long term poster, changed username for obvious reasons.
Am writing long hand not using all the usual MN abbreviations because my brain is mashed atm.

DD is 20, she's had a long term boyfriend for 4 + years, boyfriend is lovely. DD is fantastic.

DD & BF both have jobs and live between our house and his house while they save to buy their own place. All fine, they are looked after, welcomed and loved at both houses.

For a while I've been concerned about DD's high anxiety levels. She's previously agreed she needs to see a GP to get a referral, our medical insurance covers the cost of a counsellor or psychologist for her but she needs the referral first.

ExH (DD's father) was abusive to me in every way you can think of. I left him when DD was 5. Despite Police and medical evidence of his abuse he was still allowed to see DD by SS.
Contact stopped when DD was 12, I had thought that this was because she was no longer his sweet little girl and he couldn't be bothered with teen or pre teen strops etc. Now I'm not so sure.

I have since met and married a good, kind man who has DCs of similar age to DD, they are all welcome in our home, they all get on and have their own rooms here.

Until today I didn't know that ex H sexually abused DD. It started while she was still in nappies at night and her last memory of it happening must have been when she was 9 or thereabouts.

Today DD asked to speak to me and she told me about it. For obvious reasons I'm not going to detail the abuse here.

She cried, I cried, we talked. She told me how she feels. She will make a GP appointment tomorrow and I've agreed to take her to that.

DD is safe, ex H is long gone. She's staying here tonight with her boyfriend and she says she feels better for telling me. I told her I believe her, I love her, I'm sorry I didn't know or keep her safe she says it all happened late at night when I was asleep or when I was at work and that she has my unconditional support.

I suggested she could speak to the Police but she says she doesn't want to now. I did explain that it would be a trained Police liaison officer she would speak to who could explain her options. DD understandably still says no but she will think about it, seeing the GP undoubtedly comes first anyway.

She's & boyfriend are in bed watching Netflix.
With her permission I told my DH who was excellent.

I've come upstairs to try to process it all alone. I'm incandescent with anger at ex H and devastated that I didn't know or protect DD. Aside from all of this I feel oddly numb too.

I don't know what I want from this post except that I just had to get it out somewhere. Writing it down helps.

In response to her disclosure have I done everything I should have done?

• she is safe tonight and feels ok, better for disclosing
• she is going to see her GP hopefully tomorrow
• she will consider the Police
• she knows she is loved, hasn't been judged, I'm sorry and will do everything she needs to help

I know he doesn't have any more children but we haven't seen him in over 8 years so I don't know whether he lives with or has contact with children.

Apologies that this is long. Please try not to be hard on me, I am devastated for her. There were no physical signs of her abuse and no emotional ones until recently and even then I didn't associate her anxiety with potential abuse.
I'm an idiot.

It’s not your fault.
I’m so sorry this has happened.
Your daughter must love and trust you very much and you have handled it perfectly so far.
I’m sure someone more qualified than me will come along with advice soon, but in the meantime,

Oh, and your XH is an unspeakable bastard, but you don’t need me to tell you that.

Didn’t want to read and run. How awful for you and your DD. it’s a testament to your strong relationship that she felt able to tell you. I have no experience but I think you have done everything you can. She is safe and well. I think it will take a long time to process all of this and I think you and/or DD will probably need counselling. I’m really sorry you’re going through this

. I'm so sorry. You must be in pieces.

I think you have handled the disclosure very well. Your Dd now needs to process it in her head.

Thank you everyone

Poor DD has been carrying this with her and I didn't know. I feel so very guilty.
She did pick a good, calm moment and says and I believe her that it's a weight off to have told me.

I know she's a grown adult but still, my poor, poor little girl.

You listened to her, you comforted her, you BELIEVE her, and you told her you would support her.

That is everything that you can do. You need to take her lead. She needs to decide what steps she will take, knowing that you will fully support her in whatever choice she makes.

for the both of you.

Absolutely, Ehlana I've was careful not to push her, when we talked I went through her feelings and her options.
She's an adult and I'll be led by her entirely and do everything I can to facilitate her recovery and her happiness.
I love her so much.

xxxx

What an awful thing to happen to her and for you to hear about, I'm so sorry.

Sounds like you've been an amazing mum and have said and done all the right things despite your shock and horror over it all.

I know you will fully support your daughter but I hope you have a friend that you can lean on too.

Best of luck with everything x

Oh wow I’m so sorry OP for you and your DD.
What made her tell you now did she say? Has this come out via therapy or just out the blue?

I really hope she does feel she can tell the police as he may well be in contact with other children through new partners etc and he poses an ongoing risk.

Did she ever tell a teacher or a friend at all and wasn’t believed at the time of this is literally the first time she has mentioned it to anyone?

All the GP can do is refer for counselling which I know you said you can access with the referral but in addition there are always local childhood sexual abuse projects that can provide support for her.

I hope you are ok too OP it must be devastating. Pls get support for yourself too.

You sound like a wonderful mother and as if you are really taking care of her and protecting her as she needs. It wasn't your fault that you didn't know at the time. You may want to consider talking through your feelings with a therapist so that you have some space to think things through yourself.

You need to be careful for yourself, too. This is a huge emotional trauma for you. You need to lean on your DH and anyone else you can trust (and can tell), because you can't lean on your DD. At some point the shock of it could hit you so hard physically you will struggle to even breathe.

UserAndTheNumbersThing I'm so so sorry for your daughter. But, from experience of having been in a similar situation to your daughter, I have to say that you've done the absolute best thing you possibly could have done in the circumstances - you believed her. Straight away and without attempting to defend, justify or downplay his actions and behaviour. The biggest reasons for not telling anyone are thinking you won't be believed and/or that the person you tell will think you deserved it. From this point forward, you need to leave the lines of communication open but also leave the ball in her court. Obviously, make sure she is aware that you will stand by her and support her no matter what she decides to do, even if that is to do nothing (I'm sure you have done this already). She is going to need time to process her thoughts and feelings on this and will need the support of everyone who loves her.

You're a lovely mum OP

You are not an idiot, you are not to blame. Agree with pp you will need help and support too. My heart aches for both of you. This will be a difficult time ahead so please make sure you have those who will build you up around you.

And abusers are excellent at hiding their behaviour from those around them. Please try not to blame yourself. Blaming yourself is only natural, but I can almost guarantee that you've have had no way of knowing what was going on

I'm so sorry OP. Just want to say you've done the main thing- you listened and you believed her, that is the most important thing you could have done.

You may find that over the next few days, she may disclose more to you. It's like testing the water, and now she knows you believe her, she could tell you more. Just listen and don't ask questions.

When she tells the GP, she may listen to them about contacting the police. I think the big concern now will be does the bastard have any more children himself, or a girlfriend with a child etc, that could be at risk.

for both of you

I’m so sorry OP, for your daughter and for you. It must have been a horrible shock but it sounds like you responded amazingly.

I just wanted to post because as a healthcare professional in the NHS, if someone discloses abuse to me and tells me who the perpetrator is/was, I am duty bound to report it to the police. I wasn’t sure if your daughter would be discussing the abuse with her GP, or just seeking a referral for support for her anxiety, but it’s important that she knows they may have to break confidentiality in circumstances like this. Obviously if the GP did report it to the police, it would then be her choice as to whether she took it any further (the police would contact her) but it would be on record.

I get why you feel the way you do. (I have recently found out I have put my children within very easy reach of a paedophile, (he has only just been through the courts, so we didnt know this until very recently, but he had access to my children for a few years) although they are fine and haven’t come to any harm, I still feel massive guilt about what could have happened).
As my very supportive friends have said to me. This is not your fault, it is his fault. All his fault. You and your dd have done nothing wrong . I’m so glad your dd has felt able to talk to you about this and it sounds as if you have done everything right.

I’m sure your gp will be able to offer support in whatever form that needs to come in. And I’m really glad you have a new supportive partner to help you come to terms with this.

Another one here echoing that you have done the right things. What a wonderful mother you are - she must feel so relieved to have got the reaction she did. I am very sorry it happened to her, but please don't feel guilty as PP said abusers are great at hiding what monsters they are, it's how they get away with it so long. You have absolutely done all the right things, and know where to go to get the right support in future. Well done - you are doing a fantastic job. So sorry for what he did to your poor DD

Whereareyouspot someone she knows via ex H got in touch with DD via Facebook recently, this person was good to DD and they respect her distance from her Father. Even so, this person from the past made DD think more about the abuse and her need to disclose became more urgent.

DD had already told her boyfriend, he has been completely supportive, understanding and kind to her.

My DH is similarly supportive, I may tell friends of mine but only with DD's permission and I need to get over the initial wtf? First before I tell anyone else.

I have real concerns that ex H may be in contact with children and I'm not sure what to do with that at the moment. She only told me early this evening so I'm still trying to work it all through. I really wouldn't know how to find him to ascertain for myself whether he has close contact with children though I know he doesn't work with them. If DD doesn't report to the Police how do I go about reporting him? And to who? Would it just be dismissed as a malicious report?

It will catch up with me, I know but I'm the least of my worries at the moment.

OP, I am so sorry for both you and your DD. But you have handled this 100% correctly. Do not doubt yourself for a single second. You have done everything just the right way. You are listening to her and supporting her, whilst at the same time not pressuring her. It’s a hard thing to balance but you have it spot on. Your love and care for her absolutely shines through every word you have written. And oh my god, you are not an idiot, not at all. I wanted to cry when I read that. Abusers are cunning and manipulative. You absolutely could not have known. Please, please do not blame yourself. You and your DD will get through this. I promise you that. And I can make that promise because I can see how much you love her. She knows it too which is exactly why she confided in you. I wish you both much strength for the days ahead.

I'm so sorry.

Thank you everyone for being so kind.

gwhizz75 I did think that HCPs had a duty to report, we'll see what the GP says hopefully tomorrow. I know I'm angry at ex H atm but trying to put that aside for a minute I do think he should be investigated as a potential risk to other children.