**TRIGGER WARNING** Adult DD has just disclosed to me.

[UserAndTheNumbersThing]

Long term poster, changed username for obvious reasons.
Am writing long hand not using all the usual MN abbreviations because my brain is mashed atm.

DD is 20, she's had a long term boyfriend for 4 + years, boyfriend is lovely. DD is fantastic.

DD & BF both have jobs and live between our house and his house while they save to buy their own place. All fine, they are looked after, welcomed and loved at both houses.

For a while I've been concerned about DD's high anxiety levels. She's previously agreed she needs to see a GP to get a referral, our medical insurance covers the cost of a counsellor or psychologist for her but she needs the referral first.

ExH (DD's father) was abusive to me in every way you can think of. I left him when DD was 5. Despite Police and medical evidence of his abuse he was still allowed to see DD by SS.
Contact stopped when DD was 12, I had thought that this was because she was no longer his sweet little girl and he couldn't be bothered with teen or pre teen strops etc. Now I'm not so sure.

I have since met and married a good, kind man who has DCs of similar age to DD, they are all welcome in our home, they all get on and have their own rooms here.

Until today I didn't know that ex H sexually abused DD. It started while she was still in nappies at night and her last memory of it happening must have been when she was 9 or thereabouts.

Today DD asked to speak to me and she told me about it. For obvious reasons I'm not going to detail the abuse here.

She cried, I cried, we talked. She told me how she feels. She will make a GP appointment tomorrow and I've agreed to take her to that.

DD is safe, ex H is long gone. She's staying here tonight with her boyfriend and she says she feels better for telling me. I told her I believe her, I love her, I'm sorry I didn't know or keep her safe she says it all happened late at night when I was asleep or when I was at work and that she has my unconditional support.

I suggested she could speak to the Police but she says she doesn't want to now. I did explain that it would be a trained Police liaison officer she would speak to who could explain her options. DD understandably still says no but she will think about it, seeing the GP undoubtedly comes first anyway.

She's & boyfriend are in bed watching Netflix.
With her permission I told my DH who was excellent.

I've come upstairs to try to process it all alone. I'm incandescent with anger at ex H and devastated that I didn't know or protect DD. Aside from all of this I feel oddly numb too.

I don't know what I want from this post except that I just had to get it out somewhere. Writing it down helps.

In response to her disclosure have I done everything I should have done?

• she is safe tonight and feels ok, better for disclosing
• she is going to see her GP hopefully tomorrow
• she will consider the Police
• she knows she is loved, hasn't been judged, I'm sorry and will do everything she needs to help

I know he doesn't have any more children but we haven't seen him in over 8 years so I don't know whether he lives with or has contact with children.

Apologies that this is long. Please try not to be hard on me, I am devastated for her. There were no physical signs of her abuse and no emotional ones until recently and even then I didn't associate her anxiety with potential abuse.
I'm an idiot.

Omg I cried reading this.

I wonder about that too, Harmonyrays. However, the DD has already spoken to the police, which is on record, and the police are taking some further steps toward protection of other children. Is it also possible that if the DD didn't seek counseling or held off until charges were pressed, she might be accused of not having suffered? A grey area to be sure.

Op, if she reports it to the police. She doesn’t have to press charges or face him in court.. but at least she will make that information available so that he doesn’t get any DBS clearing to work around vulnerable and also so that if someone suspects him they can find out.

She will feel a huge burden off her shoulder.

The one thing abusers do to the abuses is that they want them to believe that they are partners in crime... because the child’s kindness is soo fogged that they weren’t able to resist out of fear and so it makes the child vulnerable to the narrative that they wanted to be sexually abused.

Despite the fact it’s not true, the person grows feeling unsure about their role in this.

Once she reports to the police, she will feel like she stood up for herself and that she resists this narrative. She isn’t partner in crime and she needs that acknowledgement. It’s good she got it from u.

It will be a huuuge burden off her shoulders for her own therapy

Dora I wouldn't have wanted to make you cry. It's ok, DD is ok.

To answer a few posts at once: DD has already told the Police about the abuse and they are informing the relevant local authorities. His current access to children will be investigated.

DD hasn't made a formal report to the Police.

When she had counselling this week DD was told that if she was formally reporting to the police she would have to sign a waiver with the counsellor because anything she said could be requested by the prosecution and/or the defence to be used in the case. In response to this DD has said that has sealed it and she won't be formally reporting to the police. I can't say I blame her although I haven't said this to her, I have firmly stayed in the 'these are your options, what do you think?'

DD does have a very strong conscience about other children who may be abused by him, in order to try to protect them she has told the police so that the agencies can investigate him.

FWIW it is very, very unlikely that ex H will be working with children, unlike the abuser profile that is often touted he doesn't really like children and makes little pretence about it. Though DD was planned I didn't realise his disdain for children until after she was born but that's another long, long story.

For reasons I won't go into it would potentially be outing he would find it difficult to get a job working with children. He has had a vasectomy so it's not likely that he will have had more children of his own. Although it's not impossible his age he is considerably older than me means it's less likely that he's in a relationship with someone with young DCs of their own. Though I mention this with caution as I do know that, equally, he could be.

To sum up, investing his access to children is firmly a matter for the police now but on balance I think it's unlikely - though not impossible - that he has much contact with children.

I haven't discussed this with DD but even though she hasn't seen him for years I'm guessing that as she hasn't worked through these feelings yet she feels conflicted about prosecuting her own father, no matter how bad he has been. As I've said, this is something that she will might choose to work through in counselling.

Another barrier to prosecution is the fact that DD was very young when the abuse began. Again, I haven't discussed this with DD but I would imagine that this would be torn apart in court.

My priority right now is DD. She had a big wobble this week, she's been putting herself through hell. We've set aside some time to spend together this weekend, just the two of us. She can talk to me or not talk to me, whatever she chooses. I'm not going to push her either way. I hate watching this but I know it's a process she just has to go through as things settle. I love her so much.

If anyone knows of anything I can do that would help or anything I should be doing then please do post.

You are just the most amazing mother she could ask for , totally understanding

That should be investigating not investing, obviously.

Thanks Dora I don't know what I'm doing right or wrong but I am trying to get it right. I want her to be happy.

You are going great. You are believing her, you are listening but not pushing her to talk. You are providing comfort in being there for her.

The only other thing I can suggest is indulge in favourite meals (without making a song and dance about it - not that I think you would!). But she may find some comfort in that and I think you would too. Sometimes you feel very helpless but doing little things like that do make a difference, a reminder that they are loved and that their opinion, even on little things like food, is noticed.

I hope this weekend goes well for you OP, you sound like such a caring and kind mother. You're doing your best. I hope you both enjoy your time together