**TRIGGER WARNING** Adult DD has just disclosed to me.

[UserAndTheNumbersThing]

Long term poster, changed username for obvious reasons.
Am writing long hand not using all the usual MN abbreviations because my brain is mashed atm.

DD is 20, she's had a long term boyfriend for 4 + years, boyfriend is lovely. DD is fantastic.

DD & BF both have jobs and live between our house and his house while they save to buy their own place. All fine, they are looked after, welcomed and loved at both houses.

For a while I've been concerned about DD's high anxiety levels. She's previously agreed she needs to see a GP to get a referral, our medical insurance covers the cost of a counsellor or psychologist for her but she needs the referral first.

ExH (DD's father) was abusive to me in every way you can think of. I left him when DD was 5. Despite Police and medical evidence of his abuse he was still allowed to see DD by SS.
Contact stopped when DD was 12, I had thought that this was because she was no longer his sweet little girl and he couldn't be bothered with teen or pre teen strops etc. Now I'm not so sure.

I have since met and married a good, kind man who has DCs of similar age to DD, they are all welcome in our home, they all get on and have their own rooms here.

Until today I didn't know that ex H sexually abused DD. It started while she was still in nappies at night and her last memory of it happening must have been when she was 9 or thereabouts.

Today DD asked to speak to me and she told me about it. For obvious reasons I'm not going to detail the abuse here.

She cried, I cried, we talked. She told me how she feels. She will make a GP appointment tomorrow and I've agreed to take her to that.

DD is safe, ex H is long gone. She's staying here tonight with her boyfriend and she says she feels better for telling me. I told her I believe her, I love her, I'm sorry I didn't know or keep her safe she says it all happened late at night when I was asleep or when I was at work and that she has my unconditional support.

I suggested she could speak to the Police but she says she doesn't want to now. I did explain that it would be a trained Police liaison officer she would speak to who could explain her options. DD understandably still says no but she will think about it, seeing the GP undoubtedly comes first anyway.

She's & boyfriend are in bed watching Netflix.
With her permission I told my DH who was excellent.

I've come upstairs to try to process it all alone. I'm incandescent with anger at ex H and devastated that I didn't know or protect DD. Aside from all of this I feel oddly numb too.

I don't know what I want from this post except that I just had to get it out somewhere. Writing it down helps.

In response to her disclosure have I done everything I should have done?

• she is safe tonight and feels ok, better for disclosing
• she is going to see her GP hopefully tomorrow
• she will consider the Police
• she knows she is loved, hasn't been judged, I'm sorry and will do everything she needs to help

I know he doesn't have any more children but we haven't seen him in over 8 years so I don't know whether he lives with or has contact with children.

Apologies that this is long. Please try not to be hard on me, I am devastated for her. There were no physical signs of her abuse and no emotional ones until recently and even then I didn't associate her anxiety with potential abuse.
I'm an idiot.

I would strongly recommend this organisation:

napac.org.uk

In fact maybe DD could ring them first thing, to decide what she wants to do next?

You sound like an amazing Mum. You've done everything you can right now and all you can do now is be there for her.

Does her boyfriend know? Hopefully he will be a great support too.

That poor girl and poor you. He's a disgusting animal who doesn't deserve to share the same oxygen as the both of you.

💐

Sorry just seen she's told her boyfriend.
She sounds like an amazingly strong woman.

pinknsparkly I'm so sorry you've experienced similar.

DD has never been a liar generally if anything she's very earnest so it didn't occur to me to disbelieve her. As for downplaying or justifying I couldn't have defended the indefensible, even if that had been my reaction.

You’ve done all the right things, I’m so sorry for what you and your daughter are going through.

Absolutely support her with going to the GP and accessing counselling. Is there any way you can find out more about your ex and his current living conditions? I am wondering if Social Services could be informed in case he has access to children in his home or work life.

Oh OP, you poor thing and your poor DD. You both sound incredibly strong.

As PP have mentioned, it is a testament to your strong relationship that she has disclosed this information.

Going to the GP is a good next step. From there, they can refer her for counselling.

Im not aware of other counties' mental health teams but down here we have CRASAC (Cornwall Rape and Sexual Abuse Counselling). I'd imagine there'd be a similar thing where you are. I was referred by the police. You could research your area and see if they have something similar.
Counselling for rape and Sexual Abuse is very different from CBT, for instance, and requires a specialist approach.

I didn't go through exactly the same as your daughter but I can tell you I had two bouts of CRASAC and it helped me tremendously. The first lot just allowed me to piece together the fragments and see through the haze of PTSD. The 2nd bout allowed me to really deal head on with it all.

I am stronger now, in so many ways. Your girl will be the same. She will get there. She's already been so strong and she will continue to grow and flourish with your love and support.

You will find this hard too. I know my mum did and I was a fully grown adult when my trauma happened. My mum wasn't going through a great time and she crumbled (massively so - long story). You will need alot of strength for your daughter in the coming weeks and months.

On that note, may I also suggest that you get some counselling too. It will be very important for you to vent and get some form of closure on this (if that's possible) and will allow you to stay strong for her. She may reveal some very upsetting ordeals (if she hasn't already) that may knock you for six. With counselling, you can give yourself the essential self-care and headspace you need, and give yourself the strength for your DD. It is important that you recognise that both of you need to take special care of your mental health right now.

This will hurt. It will hurt like nothing before. You will get angry. You will be heart broken. But you will both come out stronger... I promise you. Hang in there.

I wish you all the best. Feel free to PM if you want to ask any questions about the police process I went through or the counselling xx

Rape Crisis and The Survivors Trust have lists of local support services on their websites if your daughter would like to speak to somebody.
If you feel you need some support I recommend www.mosac.org.uk
This is a massive thing to cope with for you as well as her, so look after yourself too.

How devastating to hear that from your daughter. I am so sorry. Obviously your focus will be on her now, but please take some time to think about what you also need . This massive shock will take time to process, and you will feel anger, grief, guilt, all sorts of big emotions. This man abused both of you and destroyed your little girl’s childhood. Only now do you know the extent of his evil behaviour. You may need support too.

I have no experience to add but I just want to say it’s not your fault; you’re a brave and supportive mother who, because you’re a decent person, didn’t suspect, because it’s not in your make up. Your daughter is brave and courageous too and I know there is great support out there. I hope she is able to do what it takes to be sure this creature is kept away from other children but I know that’s an enormous step for her right now.

I’m a CBT Therapist and though I have no experience/qualifications in this matter I do know that we used to refer on to the charity Family Matters who specialised in counselling in this area.

Whatever happens next I wish you and your daughter the absolute best.

to you both.

Your exH is a monster.

Do you have the wherewithal to hire a PI to find out where he lives and if he has contact with children?
Any way to track him down on FB - maybe via the FB page of former friends of his or his family or associates?

You could contact SS in his area if you find him, disclose that you are aware of at least one victim of his and state that you are concerned he would abuse other children he has contact with.

I really encourage you to get counselling for yourself as you start on a very painful journey. As PPs have said, you are going to be put through a wringer, a roller coaster of emotions, lots of pain, lots of anger, lots of guilt, times when you will wish for the earth to open up and swallow you.

Please understand that none of this was your fault, and also please remember that people who rape their own daughters use fear and guilt and pressure to keep their victims from talking about what is going on - it is not your fault that your DD kept this a secret. Abusers can exert a horrible power over their victims both while the abuse is happening and for years afterwards. It is very possible that this execrable man made your DD feel the abuse was instigated by her. She may have felt overwhelmed by shame that he placed on her shoulders.

Keep your relationships strong, keep lines of communication open, and ask for what you need from your DH.

You will all get through this.

You've done everything perfectly.
I hope you both manage to continue living happy and fulfilled lives

You’ve done brilliantly.
You believed her and you supported her.
Allow her next moves to be hers no matter how angry you feel
You are both survivors and it is natural and normal to feel anger

Be gentle on yourself and to your daughter, rely on the help of others

Take care x

OP, I'm so sorry. You have handled this beautifully...most differently to me when I discovered that my ex-h had been abusing (not sexually, but physically and harmfully) my DD since she was 12/13 years old and on one occasion after a particularly vicious beating, paid her £500 to keep quiet. I didn't find out until after he left that this had been happening BUT I was aware of one occasion where he minimised a "telling off" and I now know that she'd tried to tell me in a roundabout way and I'd dismissed her as being a nightmare teen. I will never forgive myself for this. Ever. You couldn't have known, these people are insidious in their behaviour and methods. For you to have told her that you believe her, is the greatest gift of all. My daughter had excellent support from CAMHS because she subsequently had a breakdown and recovered with lots of counselling and various other things that I won't go into. I hope that this is the start of a recovery process for you all and that your ex-h is made to face justice for what he did. I wish you both happiness and peace

Good for that fantastic brave young lady that you have brought up. I hope everything works out for you guys and he gets what he deserves. 💐💐💐

Again, thank you everyone I am genuinely touched by the kindness you have shown me. I'm reading every post and I will come back to them over the coming days when I can take them in properly.

PlinkPlink I'm so sorry that this happened to you, your strength is awesome. Your post resonated, I will take note. Sending you my best.

Thank you to everyone who has posted links to helpful organisations. Again, I will read them tomorrow, find support in our area and ensure DD is able to access these. She is sensible and with encouragement she will be able to contact them.

By coincidence I've booked a few days off so I can be around to support DD, accompany her if she needs it and listen when she wants it.

I don't know whether DD will choose to tell her step siblings, they are all very close and will support her emphatically. Telling is DD's choice. She did ask that I don't tell my parents - they are retired and of a different mindset.

As I think it over I could kick myself. DD is bright and got good GCSE results, by the time her A levels came around she was a mess and didn't reach expected grades in her exams. She took a College course and did well but then she failed her driving test because she panicked, even though she is a good driver. I should have realised that she had started to buckle whenever she felt pressured. Then DD chose not to go to Uni because she wanted to be home. I knew she was anxious but I didn't join the dots.

Instead, DD has a job, a good one and she's saving for a house. She's building a good life for herself.
I'm in awe of her bravery, not just today.

To everyone saying I should find counselling or similar support for myself I've heard you, I'll make a routine GP appointment when I'm there with DD tomorrow so I can get a referral for me too. At the moment DD is, quite rightly, my priority.

As for getting a PI to find ex H I could do that but again, could it be seen as a malicious act if or when I report him? I don't want my concerns to be dismissed because I'm perceived as malicious. Would talking it through with my GP would be a good idea because they will know the best way to go about reporting my concerns? Is that a waste of GP time? Should I call the NSPCC for advice?

Anyway, I'm the only one awake in the house now, DD, her boyfriend and my (good) DH are all safely asleep.
I have some Diazepam I was prescribed for back problems a while ago and I'm tempted to take one to stop my mind spinning tonight.

If it's ok I will update when I have any news tomorrow?

TheFormidableMrsC forgive yourself. You weren't to know, you were in the middle of the relationship with your ex yourself. I know the feeling when you can't see the wood for the trees. In the end you believed your DC and they received the support they needed. You've done the right thing. It's not your fault.

victimfocus.wordpress.com/2019/01/17/why-i-stopped-encouraging-women-to-disclose-to-police-or-doctors-after-rape/

This is an article about adult rape but a lot of the advice still applies for childhood sexual abuse. She needs to think very hard about whether or not reporting would actually cause more harm to her mental health than good. The fact that a teeny proportion of abuse cases reach conviction with a lot of heartache along the way means she needs to be cautious.

If there is an organisation in your area supporting survivors of abuse then contact them. My local one also provides support to non abusive parents so would give you somewhere to talk.

(and yes, take the valium if it will get you through the night)

Bless you op. Valium can be a bit of a downer for some people on the backside of it. It makes me feel very anxious, have you taken it before?

You've done all the right things. It's easy to see where your dd gets her level head from.

Oh sorry, I see you've taken it before.

@UserAndTheNumbersThing I appreciate your kind words, as you know it's a difficult thing to come to terms with. We are their protectors, my ex-h was extremely clever in his abuse. DD suffered with anorexia and he held her down and stuffed her face with croissants that she'd pretended to eat but had hidden. He found them and nearly choked her to death in the process. I can barely acknowledge that. I will never forgive myself for not protecting her when I should have picked up on the cues and she is still cross with me in many ways, although we have a lovely, close relationship now. He is completely out of her life, she is now 21, away at uni and successfully undertaking a degree. However, I have a DS, 7 years old and thus he has contact with him (very limited, court ordered). I can't wait for the day that we are rid of him entirely. OW does not believe he did any of it. She has a child. Shes been informed, that's her problem now. I do worry though. It's an utterly shit situation to be in. I have had counselling. Anyway, onwards....we're in a much much better place now and you will be too.

I'm so sorry to read this, OP, it's horrendous. Please don't blame yourself, though. You didn't know, so there's nothing to reproach yourself for. It's all in your evil ex.

I'm a survivor of childhood SA at the hands of my F, along with my DSis. My DM didn't know anything about it and it was a dreadful shock when we told her about it. Like you, she blames herself. And like your DD, we were abused from when we were very little.

Your DD needs you to be there for her and to support her in any decision she makes. Because she needs to feel that she's in control of her life, and if she decides to report your ex, it really willingly be a tough road ahead. In our case, no one was convicted, one of them was investigated but there wasn't enough evidence for the CPS to prosecute. But we felt listened to and, most importantly, believed.

You both need RL support. My DM doesn't have this, as she doesn't like asking for help and she ends up confiding in DSis or me, and we can't cope with it. I'm not saying you'd do that, but you need someone you can offload to. MN is a good place for that as well.

Once again, I'm so sorry your DD has been through all this.

My DM will be 80 this year, so it goes against the grain for her to ask for help. But I really think she should.

I also have no personal experience but I think you have done absolutely the right things so far and agree entirely that you must stop beating yourself up for not knowing.

Abusers are clever, cunning weasel bastards. They hide it so well - unless your DD had come forward before, you couldn't have known.

As for joining the dots on her anxiety - well again, you couldn't have known or made the connection without the knowledge you now possess - there are all sorts of background reasons for anxiety.

Agree with counselling for you and your DD if she wants it; and yes, maybe the NSPCC would be a useful organisation to contact with a view to how you should proceed to try and protect other children from suffering at his hands. If they can't help you, hopefully they would at least be able to point you in the correct direction for people who could.

I think, and I know you know this, that you should be very careful about telling any of your own friends, even with DD's permission. There are still people out there with very backward views on child sex abuse, who think the child must be in some way involved/to blame (I mean, WTAF! but they exist). You DO need to talk about it, it's a physiological response, and you can't go back to DD to talk about it - it's like the grief circle, all your own feelings should go OUTwards to people further away from the centre, not inwards towards the main sufferer (your DD) - but this is why counselling would be a good option, because you can lay it all on the counsellor.

So glad she was able to open up to you, and so glad that you responded the way you did - you're a brilliant and lovely mum.

I am ever so sorry ,
You have a duty of care she has disclosed to you and you need to make that phone call to the police NOW.
Sadly this is about safeguarding vulnerable children.

So sorry OP. But by the sounds of if you couldn't have handled the disclosure any better. You are an outstanding mother