**TRIGGER WARNING** Adult DD has just disclosed to me.

[UserAndTheNumbersThing]

Long term poster, changed username for obvious reasons.
Am writing long hand not using all the usual MN abbreviations because my brain is mashed atm.

DD is 20, she's had a long term boyfriend for 4 + years, boyfriend is lovely. DD is fantastic.

DD & BF both have jobs and live between our house and his house while they save to buy their own place. All fine, they are looked after, welcomed and loved at both houses.

For a while I've been concerned about DD's high anxiety levels. She's previously agreed she needs to see a GP to get a referral, our medical insurance covers the cost of a counsellor or psychologist for her but she needs the referral first.

ExH (DD's father) was abusive to me in every way you can think of. I left him when DD was 5. Despite Police and medical evidence of his abuse he was still allowed to see DD by SS.
Contact stopped when DD was 12, I had thought that this was because she was no longer his sweet little girl and he couldn't be bothered with teen or pre teen strops etc. Now I'm not so sure.

I have since met and married a good, kind man who has DCs of similar age to DD, they are all welcome in our home, they all get on and have their own rooms here.

Until today I didn't know that ex H sexually abused DD. It started while she was still in nappies at night and her last memory of it happening must have been when she was 9 or thereabouts.

Today DD asked to speak to me and she told me about it. For obvious reasons I'm not going to detail the abuse here.

She cried, I cried, we talked. She told me how she feels. She will make a GP appointment tomorrow and I've agreed to take her to that.

DD is safe, ex H is long gone. She's staying here tonight with her boyfriend and she says she feels better for telling me. I told her I believe her, I love her, I'm sorry I didn't know or keep her safe she says it all happened late at night when I was asleep or when I was at work and that she has my unconditional support.

I suggested she could speak to the Police but she says she doesn't want to now. I did explain that it would be a trained Police liaison officer she would speak to who could explain her options. DD understandably still says no but she will think about it, seeing the GP undoubtedly comes first anyway.

She's & boyfriend are in bed watching Netflix.
With her permission I told my DH who was excellent.

I've come upstairs to try to process it all alone. I'm incandescent with anger at ex H and devastated that I didn't know or protect DD. Aside from all of this I feel oddly numb too.

I don't know what I want from this post except that I just had to get it out somewhere. Writing it down helps.

In response to her disclosure have I done everything I should have done?

• she is safe tonight and feels ok, better for disclosing
• she is going to see her GP hopefully tomorrow
• she will consider the Police
• she knows she is loved, hasn't been judged, I'm sorry and will do everything she needs to help

I know he doesn't have any more children but we haven't seen him in over 8 years so I don't know whether he lives with or has contact with children.

Apologies that this is long. Please try not to be hard on me, I am devastated for her. There were no physical signs of her abuse and no emotional ones until recently and even then I didn't associate her anxiety with potential abuse.
I'm an idiot.

Sorry I havn't read full thread yet as I'm not at home. Not sure if it has been mentioned but what about SARC ? I know our local referral centre offers counselling and support regardless of whether or not you choose to report to police or not x

This thread has made me cry. OP, you are an amazing woman and mother. Hugs to both of you

Good result from the police. You can get short term sleeping pills or diazepam (you and dd) to help you short term, if you feel it'd help. And thank you, and @ThumbWitchesAbroad for your kind words.

I don't have personal experience of this so I wouldn't want to advise. But I just wanted to say you sound like you're supporting her really well.

Steeve if I came across as dismissive this morning I really didn't mean to, I was in mid-busy. Thank you for writing about your experience and I'm sorry it's all been so difficult for you. It's not easy to discuss recovery from abuse so I really am grateful, any experiences that anyone posts here are useful as DD makes choices moving forward. I wish you and your family all the best

DD has chosen to stay here tonight, we think we've found a counsellor for her. So that's really good news. Compared to her fury last night she is so much happier now, she's going into work tomorrow.

I'm still reeling but keeping it all together. I'm waiting to hear about talking help for me, tomorrow is my last day off and I've got a day to do the faffy house and bills type jobs that I couldn't do on Monday and Tuesday. My DH is still being brilliant too.

There will be more ups and downs with DD - and with you all actually. Buckle your seat belt and try not to take anything personally no matter what DD says to you. She can vent and rage with you because she feels safe with you. Her BF needs to be offered some sort of support too as he seems deeply involved in her life.

It's horrifying and not unexpected that the people you have talked to have mentioned details that have filled out the picture of the evil abuser who has caused so much pain and damage. I sincerely hope that the police will be able to protect any other children he has contact with - I suspect it is a forlorn hope that there are no more victims.

Steeve . So sad.

I'm glad you've spoken to the police, and I'm glad that your DD Is feeling ok.
I think that there is a possibility that your DD will mostly start to feel better and better about it, because she's been carrying that secret in the back of her head for a long time and now it's out in the open and she can move on - but YOU are more likely to go the other way for a bit, as it's all new to you - but it will turn around for you as well, quicker when you find the right counsellor (and honestly, if you don't "gel" with a counsellor, then try and find a different one - from experience, a bad fit with a counsellor can be worse than no counsellor at all!). Currently you just need to keep "riding the waves" - something you are doing very well at the moment - and I have everything crossed that the police manage to catch up with the bastard and stop him from ever doing this again.

mathanxiety I'm sure you are right, DD is feeling ok today but yes, there are bound to be ups and downs. We'll just have to ride them out.

In an earlier post I eluded to the fact that we know of another survivor and yet another who, whilst not someone he touched, can add weight to the fact that he has behaved in a sexually inappropriate way towards children.

However, those other two people are not my DCs so I can't ask or expect them to contact the Police just because DD has now disclosed.

Oh ain't that the truth ThumbWitchesAbroad I've hit a wall today. I.am.beyond.exhausted. I was doing some of my household stuff on the laptop this morning and promptly fell asleep for nearly 4 hours. I don't know how it happened.

As far as developments today go DD has made an appointment to see a counsellor next week.
I'm awaiting a call back from my GP about mine.

Nothing new from the Police.

My work have told me to take the rest of the week off as paid leave. I'm working on a contract which has been renewed again and again but the company is making redundancies soon so I'll be leaving at the end of this one. One of today's jobs was going to be looking for/applying to other roles and I did none of it so that's what I'm going to try to do with the rest of my week, assuming I don't fall asleep for most of the day again

@UserAndTheNumbersThing I can't even put into words how brilliant you are. Both of you.

I feel strongly that even tho it is an awful terrible situation how amazing it is that your DD has been able to tell you and you have handled it perfectly.

Look after both of yourselves. Sending so much love and strength

Not sure if anyone has mentioned this yet but there is a book called "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward with a chapter on sexual abuse, your DD might find it helpful if and when she is ready to read it.

You don't need me to tell you this as everyone else has already said it, but I'll say it anyway. You're doing an amazing job of supporting your DD. I'm glad you're getting some support for yourself too.

Thank you for your kindness Sunnymornings123, I don't think I'm brilliant, if you saw me I'm just knackered! I'll agree that DD is being fantastic, a proper tiger. I'm so proud of her.

That's excellent AnotherEmma I'll talk to her about Toxic Parents, DD will love that, she loves reading and it will be helpful to have a book that she can return to so she knows she can heal. When she's done that she'll use it as a handy reference guide like those 1980s Spotters Guide To...books and she can laugh at my parenting. Thank you for saying I'm doing an amazing job of supporting her, I'm taking my lead from her really. She's the amazing one.

I'm posting to update though not a great deal has happened.

The Police visited.
We live in a different Police force area from the one where the crimes took place. DD and I had reported to our local force, they passed the information on to the force who would prosecute.

DD spoke to the officer but chose not to make a formal statement at this time.

The officer said she would discuss this with her line manager and run checks on him to ascertain his exposure to children.

DD is doing well, very well.
She is slowly telling people close to her; her DSsiblings, her boyfriend's parents and some friends, all of whom have been kind and understanding.

DD's first counselling appointment is this Wednesday, I'm hoping they're good.

A good sign is that DD and her boyfriend went to scope out the kind of house they can afford to buy. They don't have their full deposit yet but we will contribute we've done the same for DSCs as will BF's parents. Which shows that she/they are looking to the future.

I'm ok. Up and down. I'm waiting for a counselling appointment to come through for me. I'm still devastated and guilty that I had no idea and I'm livid with him.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing at all. What happened is truly absolutely beyond awful, but the only “person” to blame is that nasty piece of scum.

How much support do YOU have?

The hugs are much appreciated ohfourfox I don't have much support but then, I don't feel like it's my story to share with people. DH is very good but I'm still waking up in the morning with the.fear. I'm waiting to see a counsellor myself. It'll be alright.

Hi @UserAndTheNumbersThing

I'm still here following your thread. I'm really sad you're feeling down, and guilty. I went through the same internal questioning, the pervasive guilt. It's really "lucky" I don't know what my DDs rapist looks like, their family is in the process of moving from our village, as I wouldn't be able to stop myself squashing the fucking prick like an ant. Utter scum.

You've been recommended the "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward book; you should also check out "Childhood Disrupted" by Donna Jackson Nazakawa.

I'll continue following the thread, and feel free to PM me whenever you like.

Much love

You are an amazing mum who has done the exact right thing, support, love, reassurance, that is everything she needs no doubt. Your daughter is also an amazing woman, I am so sorry for what she has been through.

Your ex is the scum of the earth, you don't need me to tell you that I am sure. If she feels strong enough to report him, all the better, but completely understand if she does not.

I've just read the thread and I think you are handling this amazingly. Your DD is lucky to you have you. I wish you both all the best.

I've just caught up on your posts, they made me cry!

You are so very kind.

Steeve I wouldn't be able to stop myself squashing the fucking prick like an ant. Utter scum yes, I feel like this!
The anger is ferocious, isn't it?
Without wishing to sound insincere I have huge admiration for your strength.
I would PM you but and I suppose this is why I haven't made more effort to pursue counselling for myself yet I don't want to make this situation about 'me, me, me'. It's about DD and the way she feels.
Sending you and yours my thoughts and best wishes.

BlooperReel I don't know whether DD will report him, when the Police officer visited she told DD that the interview would be recorded but that they would ask DD 'some very difficult questions'. That stayed with DD.

looselips thank you, I've been going over everything in my head trying to think of a clue I could have missed. I'm sure it's 'normal' but I feel I've let DD down badly.

Hi, sorry if this has been mentioned before, but there are charities who offer free counselling (not sure if you're paying and appreciate its not all about the money if you are, but the charities are bespoke to this sort of counselling and don't tend to put a limit on how long you can go on for) to people who have suffered such abuse. They often offer specialised family counselling too for people in your position who feel all sorts of emotions.

I wish you the very best of luck as you go through this awful time. But what a wonderful relationship you must have for her to be comfortable coming to you. While things may at times seem to get worse, by no longer carrying this burden alone they will get better for her. You seem like an amazing mum, and your daughter - what strength.

I'm so sorry both for you and your DD,She's incredibly brave.

Your ex,my god he deserves to have unspeakable things done to him for what he's done.

I know he's long gone now but abusers like him rarely stop their habits when the opportunity presents itself,it's very possible she's not the only child he's assaulted,is it possible he entered a relationship with someone else with kids?,tell your dd to think of it this way,by going to the police not only is she getting justice for herself but she's protecting other children from him by stopping him.

It's good to hear the police will check to see what contact this piece of pondscum may have with children.

It might be better for your DD to get stuck into counseling before making a statement to the police. She will have some practice in talking about events after some sessions, and she will also be used to questions from someone trying to establish exactly what happened. She will also have (hopefully) established a relationship with the counselor and can get support after a police interview. A counselor may also be able to advise her as to how the police will proceed, what sort of hard questions they may ask, etc.

In our area there is a charity for people directly affected by abuse, which is why DD has been able to access them so quickly Needsomebottle. It's a good suggestion. They don't offer family support ie me, I'm not upset by this, they are a charity so resources will be limited.

I've looked for a counsellor for me but this is proving surprisingly difficult. I've tried everything locally and of those who have appointments after 4pm I can't take a regular day/half day off for who knows how many weeks none of them have any availability until June or July at the earliest. Assuming I 'gel' with them when I finally do get to meet them. I've been to my GP, the surgery has an excellent in house CPN who is looking into options for me.

As for reporting the abuse...
DD is an adult, this is not a decision I can make for her.
My OP was written on the day she told me, her emotions are still raw and she may yet decide to press charges.
The police officer who came to our house told DD they would ask her some very difficult questions at interview.
The police also said that DD should have at least some initial counselling sessions before deciding whether to report, DD's first session is on Wednesday.
The police have said that they will speak to the relevant authorities where ex lives and they will look into his access to children, they can speak to him or SS can speak to the parents of any children if this is considered necessary. I don't know the process involved but there clearly is a course of action they take in instances like this.

Apologies math, I x-posted.

@UserAndTheNumbersThing

I would PM you but and I suppose this is why I haven't made more effort to pursue counselling for myself yet I don't want to make this situation about 'me, me, me'. It's about DD and the way she feels.

Yes, it's about your DD and how she feels. But it's also about you and your state of mind. It's an open offer to PM, the door is always open, for you to swear, scream, be lucid or raging. Your mental health is very important throughout all this .

Im sure the officer or clinician will advise you further but your DD may want to consider the timing of therapy and officially reporting the abuse. This is mainly if she requires trauma focussed therapy as the CPS or the defense lawyer may use this in court if an official disclosure is made after treatment has started. I hsve seen not guilty verdict made on this basis which is devastating.

Hugs to you all, stay strong