**TRIGGER WARNING** Adult DD has just disclosed to me.

[UserAndTheNumbersThing]

Long term poster, changed username for obvious reasons.
Am writing long hand not using all the usual MN abbreviations because my brain is mashed atm.

DD is 20, she's had a long term boyfriend for 4 + years, boyfriend is lovely. DD is fantastic.

DD & BF both have jobs and live between our house and his house while they save to buy their own place. All fine, they are looked after, welcomed and loved at both houses.

For a while I've been concerned about DD's high anxiety levels. She's previously agreed she needs to see a GP to get a referral, our medical insurance covers the cost of a counsellor or psychologist for her but she needs the referral first.

ExH (DD's father) was abusive to me in every way you can think of. I left him when DD was 5. Despite Police and medical evidence of his abuse he was still allowed to see DD by SS.
Contact stopped when DD was 12, I had thought that this was because she was no longer his sweet little girl and he couldn't be bothered with teen or pre teen strops etc. Now I'm not so sure.

I have since met and married a good, kind man who has DCs of similar age to DD, they are all welcome in our home, they all get on and have their own rooms here.

Until today I didn't know that ex H sexually abused DD. It started while she was still in nappies at night and her last memory of it happening must have been when she was 9 or thereabouts.

Today DD asked to speak to me and she told me about it. For obvious reasons I'm not going to detail the abuse here.

She cried, I cried, we talked. She told me how she feels. She will make a GP appointment tomorrow and I've agreed to take her to that.

DD is safe, ex H is long gone. She's staying here tonight with her boyfriend and she says she feels better for telling me. I told her I believe her, I love her, I'm sorry I didn't know or keep her safe she says it all happened late at night when I was asleep or when I was at work and that she has my unconditional support.

I suggested she could speak to the Police but she says she doesn't want to now. I did explain that it would be a trained Police liaison officer she would speak to who could explain her options. DD understandably still says no but she will think about it, seeing the GP undoubtedly comes first anyway.

She's & boyfriend are in bed watching Netflix.
With her permission I told my DH who was excellent.

I've come upstairs to try to process it all alone. I'm incandescent with anger at ex H and devastated that I didn't know or protect DD. Aside from all of this I feel oddly numb too.

I don't know what I want from this post except that I just had to get it out somewhere. Writing it down helps.

In response to her disclosure have I done everything I should have done?

• she is safe tonight and feels ok, better for disclosing
• she is going to see her GP hopefully tomorrow
• she will consider the Police
• she knows she is loved, hasn't been judged, I'm sorry and will do everything she needs to help

I know he doesn't have any more children but we haven't seen him in over 8 years so I don't know whether he lives with or has contact with children.

Apologies that this is long. Please try not to be hard on me, I am devastated for her. There were no physical signs of her abuse and no emotional ones until recently and even then I didn't associate her anxiety with potential abuse.
I'm an idiot.

You are doing the best you can, yes your daughter is suffering but you are there. Don’t blame yourself. This is all you can do now

Oh OP, you poor poor thing and so much love and support to your lovey DD. A massive hug sent to both of you.

I can only imagine how you must feel. I just wanted to reiterate that you are such a wonderful mother. You have handled this crisis completely perfectly. Dispite the trauma your DD has faced, she has turned into a wonderful, kind and together young lady. That is fully credited to you, OP.

I wish you were my mum.

Thank you Gingerkittykat I know about the precariousness of reporting childhood abuse, DD has some knowledge too and she doesn't want to go through it. I will support her whatever she chooses to do.

But as palaver1 says I do feel a duty to ensure the safety of other children he may come into contact with and I'm not sure how to do one without the other.

It's ok pinkgloves, I took the tablet and I did sleep for about 6 hours, I don't feel sluggish this morning. Despite this yours was good advice, thank you for your consideration.

TheFormidableMrsC I'm so happy to hear that your DD is doing so well now, that's a reflection of your own good parenting. You've done good. As I said before; please forgive yourself. You've done the right thing.

Lizzie48 your strength is truly admirable, thank you for posting. I'm so sorry about your own mother's reaction, you deserve better. It does sound as though you are living well. Your post gives me hope for DD's future.

You are so right ThumbWitchesAbroad, some people have an odd response to allegations of abuse. I will choose my confidantes carefully and encourage DD to do the same.

Again, thank you for the kindness from everyone. Sometimes MN threads can turn into a bun fight but this is probably the kindest thread I've ever read.

Despite taking a valium I only slept for 6 hours. DD is still asleep before work today. I've woken up feeling incandescent, I'd like some sort of Game of Thrones style revenge to befall ex H but I have to bury that. First priority is to support DD with her GP appointment, I thought I would call the surgery myself and sound them out so they don't play 'you can't be seen today' ping pong with DD when she calls. I'm going to call NSPCC too and ask for some advice. I know who I'm going to tell for support myself and I will do that today.

Again, thank you everyone and I'll keep updating.

Your dd is so lucky to have you as a mum, you couldn’t support her any better than you are.

Don’t forget that you need support too. You are, and are going to be, a tower of strength for your dd. But sometimes that tower needs a little scaffolding xx

It is truly awful is it op? I can say much but i empathise with what you are going through regards to your lovely dd.

(((hugs))) to you and dd

My abuser went to prison.

One thing I took from the case though is if anyone one of us had been more vocal at the time then it may not have happened to the next person and so on. But he was the only one to blame.
It was a different time then but I do live with that bit of guilt that I may have been able to stop it happening to someone else if I'd spoken up when it happened to me.

Once she's feeling strong enough, please encourage her report. He needs to be on the sex offenders register even if it doesn't go any further than that.

I'll be thinking of you all today op. Things will hopefully only go upwards for your daughter from now.

I wonder if you can log it with the police without your dd taking it further than that, in case there are current or future concerns about his behaviour around children ?
Pehaps someone on here who is in the force might know ?

But doesn't that go against the innocent until proven guilty thing? I agree though, it would be good if it could be flagged if only to protect others.

Yes it can be flagged up with police. I was raped a couple of years ago and I did report to police. I did so to hopefully protect others, though that didn't happen! Anyway, on the day I reported it the police told me that one of my options was to have it "logged" but with no action taken. However it would stay there on police systems under his name.

Thanks Asta that's really the answer I was hoping for.

Today we have done Drs, BUPA and tried to find a counsellor.
The Dr was brilliant, BUPA were fine but finding a counsellor is proving difficult as DD wants to see someone after 5pm and the recommended counsellors don't work after 5pm.
So I've been going back and forth between BUPA and various counsellors as DD gets more frustrated.

Worse, when I called the NSPCC back they were insensitive at best. Given that I was clear that it was less than 24 hours since disclosure and DD just wanted advice they tried to push DD to report him, showed no recognition of her evident upset and didn't explain her options at all. I do understand that their reasoning is to prevent others from being abused - that's what DD wants too but it's been a lot to process in a little over 24 hours.

As a result of the pressure she feels DD has shouted at her boyfriend and me separately this evening. All will be fine with her boyfriend but sensibly he has gone home for the evening. Obviously all will be fine with me too, I'm just giving her some space.

I can hear her crying, howling in fact, in her room now. I've been in to see her, she says she'll have a bath soon.

She's going to work tomorrow, I'm hoping the normality will benefit her, rather than being unable to function. I'm possibly being optimistic.

If I can be honest I'm exhausted too, emotionally I don't feel like I have anything left in the tank today. Though I feel livid with ex H still.

Thank you still for all of your posts, they've helped to chivvy me through a long day.

Time..just give it time OP.Take each day as it comes and follow the lead given by your lovely daughter.You must be in such a state of shock.You are not to blame nor could you have stopped it.That responsibility lies with the abuser.You have brought up a loving and confident young woman who trusts and loves you dearly as you do her...together you will find a way through this I promise you you will.You have each other.Stop, breathe and allow yourself space to process things.You clearly are an amazing mum and I wish you and your daughter and your extended family peace and in the days weeks and months to come, I send you my best wishes ..its a bit inadequate but I do.

Sorry it's been a hard day OP.

Be kind to yourself - just because you're her Mum doesn't mean you know all the answers.

Glad GP was good, that makes a real difference.

Yes finding a counsellor that fits around work is tough. Are there any that do Saturdays? My old one used to.

NSPCC are like any organisation - it depends so much who you are talking to. Maybe you could call them again to discuss it without DD there. The person she got sounds dreadful to be honest and shouldn't be in that line of work.

It's good for her to get that pent up emotion out but it will be exhausting.

She may shout, scream, cry, break things, withdraw, immerse herself in work or a hobby or many other things. Just do what you are doing.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you all 🌷

Oh OP, your lovely, lovely daughter. I have no further advice, you've received some fantastic advice already on this thread. But I couldn't read and run. I think you and your daughter are handling all of this amazingly well. Remember to be kind to yourself too.

I'm so sorry, OP, it must be so heartbreaking to see what your DD is going through, and it is horrible, I can't pretend otherwise. But she has you and that's what matters.

That person at the NSPCC was in the wrong, but they're not trained therapists so there will be individuals who get it wrong. I can't emphasise enough how important it is for your DD to feel that she's in control of the decisions that are made, and that she's able to take her time over it. Because the very nature of childhood SA is the powerlessness of the victim.

It's ok, I shared DD's frustration at the person on the line at the NSPCC this afternoon.
The person I spoke to this morning understood the situation completely. This afternoon the call handler was pushing and pushing.
Of course, if you push people too far then they snap and DD doesn't have a long fuse at the moment, which is entirely understandable.

In other news DD's boyfriend came back later this evening. He brought flowers, chocolates and other stuff for them both. He really is a star. They've made up now and DD is happier.

She's apologised to me too, though she didn't need to.

Hopefully she can go to work tomorrow and have a good day that isn't filled with turmoil.

This evening she hit on the idea of contacting the local private hospitals as both advertise private counselling as part of their services, contacting the hospitals and coming at the problem of finding an after work counsellor that way. I'll try it and see what gives.

Interestingly but horribly we've told a few close family members and stories have started to come out which build up a jigsaw puzzle of his sexually inappropriate behaviour towards children. Given this evidence, which is accumulating I will have to take advice from the Police at some point but not tomorrow. We all need a few days to regroup.

My spoil myself evening consisted of coming to bed with DH at 8.30 chatting and titting about on my phone. It's hardly a spa weekend but It's been good to empty my brain for an hour by watching videos of skateboarding dogs and hedgehogs having a bath.

You have done all you can, you need now just to be there for her. It might be worth writing down everything she told you today with the date on it so you have your own record, and also to set aside any court documents regarding access arrangements when you split plus any legal documents regarding the abuse. Apart from a possibility of the police charging exh the authorities might want to investigate why he was allowed access despite his treatment of you to learn from mistakes - they cannot change what happened to your dd but better procedures help the next generation of kids.

Thinking of you, take care of her

Your DD may not want to speak to the Police yet but I strongly suggest you speak to them and make a report. At least they can still make enquiries and potentially check his circumstances and whether he is in a position of trust or responsibility with access to other children he may abuse

They'll want to speak to dd. It sounds like she's not in a place to do that right now.

Oh I'm so sorry this has happened, you are being so strong. I just wanted to add a cautionary post. My family, me, partner, daughter, all have experience of childhood sexual abuse. My partner was entered into care, and her bastard monster was convicted, he served 3 fucking years, while to this day my partner suffers the emotional impact. Mine (I never disclosed until very recently (I had an abusive childhood in other ways) male sexual abuse wasn't a "thing" 25+ years ago, and it's still a struggle today) has a huge emotional impact to this day, I have PTSD from it. My beautiful, amazing, daughter was raped by a "friend" of similar age, and disclosed to a teacher the following day. Her bastard was charged, amid lots of medical evidence. Despite all the medical evidence, despite reports from social services and school, including school attending, and giving evidence in court, the bastard walked free. DD suffers massively, she tries to hide it but the pain is etched on her face when she thinks I'm not looking.

I guess what I'm trying to say is the emotional impact of disclosing can be immense, and the pain of him walking free I cannot imagine, I think it will affect DD forever. My partners experience of her abuser receiving a paltry 3 years also still affects her. Sentencing is a fucking joke.

The impact of DDs case has affected me and my partner hugely, our own experiences exacerbating the problem, although I think it gave us perspective. It's caused a strain on our relationship, and something I will always "blame" myself for - what could I have done, I should have perceived an issue, etc etc. You, and your daughter, sound so very strong. I would advise counselling for you as well as your daughter.

I think the support you, and your husband, are providing is fabulous, she is going to need you, regardless of disclosure to police, over the coming months and years. Please don't be hard on yourself, there is nothing, absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent this.

I'm so incredibly sorry, much love

You are not an idiot.
From what you've said you sound like you have a lovely relationship with your daughter, and you are doing all the right things to support her.
I hope she does report it to the police. People like that really shouldn't be able to get away with what they've done.
I don't think I could be as calm as you sound, I'd be on the verge of killing him.

you are going through every mother's biggest fear, something that we never imagine would happen to us. Carry on supporting your daughter, but you may need counselling too.

(((Hugs))) to you, your partner and your daughter Steeve - fucking shocking outcomes in all cases, but sadly, tragically, not atypical. :( :( I'm so sad for you all.

Userandthenumbers - I think you do have to give DD some time to process - and I'm so sorry the NSPCC person was so pushy as to be counterproductive, maybe a report to them would be in order when you're feeling stronger, to explain just how counterproductive that attitude was and maybe they need to train their call-handlers better?

I'm sure that has also made you more wary about contacting the police, in case you get another pushy one there as well. Let your DD be the time-setter here - she needs to have that bit of control, as so much of sexual abuse is about having no power and no control, and the abuser having it all.

Good luck and keep ranting away here as and when you need to.

I just wanted to add to the voices saying that it’s not your fault. Of course you will be going over all your memories , searching for the tiniest sign that you feel you should hav spotted. But abusers are clever, deceitful to their very core and often very charming.

It’s very hard for even “ experts” to see it. They look just like the man next door because they ARE the man next door.

I used to work on a job similar to social work, we had extensive training in abuse issues . I have two colleagues in the same job who discovered that a friend or family member was abusing children they knew ( not theirs), right in front of their eyes.

One was a volunteer in a youth organisation and the man was another volunteer.

In the other case, it was a male relative . My colleague really liked and trusted this relative and they used to go on family days out together, as he enjoyed the same hobby as her children.

Both of these colleagues had weeks of training and years of experience. But they didn't suspect a thing until the men were charged. Thankfully they were convicted, but at a terrible cost to one of the (now adult ) victims who was a key witness.

I can say “ don’t blame yourself “ and “ don’t feel guilty “ but I know that you will. Because you are a mother and that’s what we do.

But it’s not your fault.

Please get some support for yourself and your DD, there’s a long road ahead. This is a marathon, not a sprint, there’s no rush to do anything.

Hugs OP X

Good morning you kind and lovely people.

Today DD went into work and they sent her home because they are all going to a conference so there's not much for DD to do today anyway.

We telephoned the Police, they have been excellent. They accepted that DD doesn't want to press charges right now but they will investigate or pass to ss for investigation his whereabouts and his access to children.

We're struggling to find a local counsellor with spaces before June so later we will call the Drs secretary back to see whether they have any suggestions.

DD is ok, she's coping well. She's relaxing and watching the television.

I've seen the GP to get some talking therapy for me, just to help to get me through.

To everyone who has their own experience of this, especially steeve. I'm so sorry.

Thank you again to everyone for your support through this. Right now the bureaucracy seems endless. At least we are all safe now.