Accidentally came across my DP's Will. AIBU by what I saw?

[LaDiDa33]

My BIL committed suicide last year leaving everything to his ex-gf who ignored all his cries for help. I was there as my DP and his family mourned and I was nothing but supportive. We've been married 10 years in September but we've had our ups and downs. We've not shared a bank account or expenses because he's always felt that I'm taken care of. My parents are well off and they allowed us to live in one of their houses rent free for the last 10 years and have been helpful financially towards me. This has caused my DP to be funny about keeping all our finances separate. This has always been something that's bothered me, and he keeps saying we'll start a joint bank account soon. The other day I was on his computer with pure intentions, I wasn't snooping but accidentally came across a file with my name and our two sons on it. I looked at it and found it was a recent will, dated December 18 (we were together all that period). Cutting to the chase I discovered my DP had totally disinherited me leaving everything to our sons and giving all control to his sister should he die before our sons are 18. Money isn't my concern at all, it's the concept that my husband decided to do this without so much as a conversation. He lied and told me he was renewing his I.D. whilst actually meeting with his lawyers. I feel really upset over this, like I'm being actively distrusted and being compared to my brother in law's ex. AIBU to feel that this is an irreversible slap in the face? I expressed my feelings to him (because I couldn't hold it in any longer) and he simply said I'm financially set and he wants to secure our sons' futures. The fact that his sister would have control/say in our sons' lives after his passing pisses me off. Any advice/opinions would be greatly appreciated! I'm confused and hurt.

This would be an issue for me too. It means if he died his sister would have a say in house sale if you wanted to move etc etc. Fuck him for being secretive. You aren't part of got his gang. That would hurt.

I read it completely differently. Your assets have been separate all your marriage, perhaps so he can't be called a gold digger. He's left his money to your children, with his sister as a safety mechanism for their protection. You will still be there, and unaffected by the loss of his finances, but if something happens to you his sister is also there as an extra layer of protection. She'll also be able to protect their inheritance in case you for whatever reason lose your good judgement.

I think he's got assets you know nothing about and I think he's planning to leave you.

Start digging. Don't let him know you're doing it.

It's the fact he doesnt trust you to give the money to your sons when they reach 18 that would hurt.

If you're financially aided, why would you need that money anyway?

I don't think it's about the money for you, but his nose is out of joint as he has to earn to make the money whereas you get it from having well off parents. But that's not your fault nor is it something you should be ashamed of.

Honestly, he just sounds very self involved and bitter.

How would he feel if your will named your parents as trustees instead of him?

Thought so.

I cannot fathom that my DH would arrange his will without discussing it with me first. If the decision was to pass everything to the children that could make sense if I were financially secure but to exclude me as executor... big issue when I would expect him to consider that I would be the first and best person to look after our children’s interest. If it were me he would have to explain this better.

If he has property is it not also your property if your married?

Are you a spendthrift OP? Is there any objective reason he would want to ensure his assets go to his children? Perhaps he is concerned you would remarry, and his assets would not be there for his children.

There are many valid reasons for establishing a Will this way, and to ensure his children are protected, he probably was advised to appoint someone other than you. However, he was wrong not to tell you.

In your shoes I would sit down and ask what his reasons were, and push him on why he didn’t tell you. Then you have to decide if you can ever trust him. If you can’t, then you won’t have much of a marriage.

If you can, do your own Will, excluding him and refer to his Will in yours as part of your reasoning for excluding him.

So your parents fund your joint housing costs and give you financial support and this enables him to acquire property in his own name and other assets which he is determined you will never even get to manage for your children, still less inherit from him.

He is telling you something very very clearly.

He lied and told me he was renewing his I.D. whilst actually meeting with his lawyers.

And he knows what his actions are telling you. He was just hoping he could keep it quiet for the moment.

Honestly, I'd be seeing a lawyer next week and I'd write a similar will to start with - as it stands his position is "what's yours is mine and what's mine is my own".

My husband is the person I trust most in the world. That is why I married him.

So if I understand this right, you've lived in property owned by your parents for years. So outgoings have been minimal.

He has money/property that you will neither inherit nor have an input into whilst held until your children are 18.

So if you were to divorce him now he'd have to share this money/property with you as part of the divorce settlement? I'd feel so betrayed that I'd feel that this was my best option.

You can’t possibly be thinking of staying with him? He has been to a lawyer and written what he really thinks of you into a legal document. And it’s not good.

They're in his name- he bought them before we got married. I haven't indicated any interest in them or anything else.... except for the joint bank account

His family are still hurt by the ex girlfriend who let BiL down still ending up with his money. They are circling the wagons, trying to protect their blood. It's probably not rational. Are they good at dealing with feelings?

@ZaRah85 a pp has stated this only comes into effect if your show dies which is why I'm asking again - how is his mental health. Does he need support? Was he in sound mind when he changed his will? Is grief impacting his decision-making?

So the will specifically removes any ability from you to advise or invest anything DC inherit from him before they are 18?
Wow.
You have parental responsibility. How does that work? You have rights to be involved in their day to day life and make decisions on their behalf. It surely directly undermines your PR?

For me it would be divorce worthy. Not only the secrecy and lies but cutting you out of having a say over an aspect of your DC’s lives before they are 18.

I think also that you need legal advice on your own assets and marital assets, given he has been living rent free and accumulated wealth as a result. Plus a will. Plus legal advice on divorce. I would be looking to separate finances through divorce ensuring that you got a fair settlement after a 10 year marriage and then he can do what he likes with his money, and having his sister as executor would make sense then as he would not have a wife.

It shows a massive lack of trust, in my opinion.

This is what I think triggered it all but I still think its massively reflective of what he thinks of us/me/God knows. DH and family aren't great at dealing with their emotions but this feels like I'm being viewed as someone they need to protect their assets from (another ex girlfriend rather than a family member).

Omg OP this is not good.

Please leave him and speak to a applicator & financial adviser ASAP

Writing fail 🤦‍♀️ Solicitor not applicator!

I know beeyourself - the point is that some of his assets must have been accumulated because of the generosity of OP’s parents. It is absolutely some of her money!

I'd have a dig about for financial records and visit a solicitor, I think he's been saving while enjoying the kindness of your parents for providing a home for free.

Wow, I would feel exactly the same, I don't think I could come back from that. Do you have proof of his assets before he starts putting them into his Sisters/ Dads name before any separation?

His brother died a year ago next month. He's coping as well as anyone would and he's moving on with his life. Being named as executor of his brother's will whilst having to deal with all the legalities and interactions with his brother's ex (as she was the sole beneficiary) has been difficult. His mental health is fine and I have no concerns that he may be thinking or planning a similar act. It's what he viewed as a lesson learnt from his brother's experience that's bothering me.

I think the fact he specifically named you as someone who wasn't allowed to be involved would be enough to get me at the solicitor's first thing on Monday morning.

We have drafted our wills so that the share of house goes to our children - for the house the surviving spouse gets lifetime tenancy. I've also seen friends who's parents have been widowed & remarried then died with no will.

I trust my husband, but he's slack about finances, he wouldn't willing do this, but he might let it happen to him.

Difference is I suppose they were drafted in a joint meeting with our solicitor.

It indicates a lack of trust on his part and regardless of how wealthy you personally are, him not leaving you a penny would make me view the marriage differently.

Him doing it behind your back is also very sneaky.

I'd start by making a will that mirrors his.

Oh goodness Op, I'd struggle to get over that. The deceit is unforgivable IMHO.