Resentment towards Grandparenta

[foxstar3]

Hi
My DH and I have 3 DC. All lovely well behaved etc.
We have 4 sets of divorced parents.
My DM is mentally ill.
But 3 sets of healthy 60-61yr P/PIL.

My FIl will look after DC in our home for around one day every school holiday.

Mil works 2 days per week. Superb heath. 60. Will not stay over night at ours even though free travel and we have 2 spare bedrooms. Literally phoned we begging for help when snowed under with stressful job and her suggestion is to work part time. Or when all 3DC unwell and asked to help said 'GP don't help that's what it's like these days.
When visiting is literally with us for about 2hr. Then has to leave to look after dogs.
Told her dogs are very welcome at ours.

My Dad said would never help out and has never looked after kids alone at all ever.

Feel growing resentment towards them all, particularly mil. Mil recently inherited a lot of money and gave her 2 DC none. Also refused to spend Xmas with us last 2 years due to spending it with single step son and her husband.

All around me GP collect kids from school, have kids for a long weekend, babysit. Etc.

Cannot be bothered to pretend there is a good relationship between a GP and GC who spends 3hr in a restaurant every 3 months, and that's it.

Fed up. What do others think.

YABVU. There is no rule book saying that grandparents have to help out when their children become parents. Great if they want to but totally unreasonable to expect that they will want to. Why would anyone want to help out minding sick kids? Would you be happy if they had helped and ended up sick too? When you make a decision to have kids you should never factor in having family helping out with childcare. Best to pay someone to babysit if you want time to yourselves.

As for your MIL inheritance, I fail to see why it has anything to do with you. It's hers to spend as she wishes, not to share out among her family.

They are crappy grandparents, they just are, and it’s their loss as they will miss out on the relationship they could have had. They are also missing out on the chance to help their son/daughter out a bit. Some gps go above and beyond imo with childcare and I think that’s too much - there’s a large gulf between that and the lack of interest you are describing!

Yabu. If grandparents help out, it's a bonus.

I don't want to sound like an arse but why did you have 3 kids if you both want to work full time and it's a struggle. Not Saying you shouldn't have had them, but surely you knew you had no help.

Why do you resent MIL more than your dad?

I can kind of understand, being a bit miffed.

But yabvu about the inheritance. MIL had no obligation to give your husband anything. When did it become assume you would share an inheritance with your kids? Again, nice if she had. But no obligation.

The inheritance bit makes me think that you have a sense of entitlement and just don't like your MIL.

She had her kids. If she doesn't want to stay away from home, that's her choice.

You’ll get lots saying you’re BU but I understand. Of course they’re not obliged to help but maybe they could cast their minds back and remember how relentless and tiring and expensive it all is and help out just once in a while.

I really hope, if I’m ever a grandparent, I’ll help out and give my children a bit of a break every now and then, and maybe I’ll even WANT to do it because my GC will be lovely, who knows.

Maybe she is resentful of you having three children but carrying on working full time and getting others to look after them? To her generation this would have been considered unreasonable.

Literally phoned we begging for help when snowed under with stressful job and her suggestion is to work part time.

She has a point.

There are plenty of us raising children with zero 'help' from grandparents. There are also two of you, you're not a single parent trying to raise three kids on your own. How much 'help' were you expecting?

They are 60 not 103! Of course women worked “in their day”

Can’t understand why you’d want them to help when your children are ill, that’s not logical-surely you wouldn’t want to risk anyone else catching bugs etc?

You may like to be given help and see lots of other friends being given it, but this shouldn’t be an expectation on your part.
You’ve both chosen to have 3 children and work full time, your path you decided for yourselves and not one decided with your parents.

That’s the reason we’ve not decided to have children yet, as at the minute we’re both running our own businesses and I wouldn’t expect my parents to pick up the slack if I wanted to go back to work.

Not saying this to be mean or have a dig, just my opinion that I think it’s unfair to have simmering anger towards people who didn’t choose your life for you.
Could you look at help with taking to school or pick ups? After school clubs, a cleaner etc to help you both lighten the load?

To me it depends what you're asking. If it's to help out in an emergency when you're stuck, that's different to expecting them to regularly have the children for the day/overnight/pick up from school.

I'd hope grandparents would help out in an emergency and YWNBU to hope that. But in terms of regular childcare/all day events YABU - unfortunately many of us have to manage without parent help.

Some gp's want to be part of the grandkids lives others don't. Mil has never had my (now adult) kids for even an hour, I can count how many times she's seen them where we live on my fingers, most contact is when we are visiting great grandparents. She's 45 mins away. But her loss, gave up caring 15 years ago

Muddysnowdrop Thank You !
I'm in my sixties and my mother worked as did my MIL; DM was an accounts clerk (payroll) and MIL put tubes into tv sets.

Your mil is 60 and in good health, probably because she's wise enough to understand about the importance of balance in her life. She already works and needs or wants free time, she's already presumably spent a good many years look after children of her own. By her age, she really is entitled to spend her life doing as she wishes, and also spending her money as she wishes.

It's not her responsibility if you have had three children, presumably timed to suit yourselves...she wasn't part of the decision making about that. She may actually have better things to do with her time than look after your children.

Perhaps being a grandmother isn't actually about helping the parents, but about having a relationship with the grandchildren. As for not wanting to stay over in your house, why on earth should she? Plenty of people prefer to sleep in the own homes and own beds. Maybe she knows if she stays she won't be treated as a guest, but will be given tasks etc. I'm sorry but I think your resentment isn't reasonable.

Agree with pp who asked why you are more upset with mil than your dad. They all sound like normal gp to me. Like visiting but only available for helping with one-offs. I think the relationships are cemented before children come along so their actions shouldn't really be a surprise.

I do think some of the replies are quite harsh. My DM helped when DS was young because she wanted to spend time with DS and help me out. Even then because of distance away and age I got a lot less support than some other folk I know - but crucially as much as DM could comfortably give.

It must hurt that GPs are not interested in spending time with their GC, yes sure OP is not entitled to their support, but she is allowed to feel slightly sad about their disinterest

It’s a reasonable expectation that families help each other out - I don’t see childcare as exempt from this. Remember though in a few years they may ask for help from you and they have set the tone here, feel free to say no.

They are crappy grandparents, they just are, and it’s their loss as they will miss out on the relationship they could have had.

^This. I can honestly say I don’t know of anyones parents who never helped out with their grandkids.

Did your parents and in laws get lots of support from their own parents when raising you? Because if so, then you have a bit of rationale for being upset. We were practically raised by my grandparents but my parents do nothing, and it stings a bit. However ultimately you chose to have your children and it is your responsibility. What can you outsource?

YANBU to be unhappy that your (collective) parents aren’t willing to be kind and supportive of you. Because that’s what it comes down to - you’re asking them for a little help when you’re really stuck, and they don’t want to because it’s not convenient to them.

My husband was getting a hard time from his mother and sister a few years back because he was only taking annual leave and doing a six hour round trip twice a month to take his dad to chemo (four sessions a month, his sister accompanied the other two). We were both feeling horribly guilty about then my friend reminded me that the only time we’d ever asked them for help, totally at our expense and we were in a total bind, they refused ‘because they didn’t really feel like it’. DH still went, but felt less guilty after that.

I live very far from my own parents, but they go out of their way to help us in whatever way they can, and are brilliant, supportive grandparents to my brother’s kids who live much closer. I know which model I’ll follow for my own kids. Sometimes we put ourselves out for people we care about.

Lots of GPs rarely help out with their grandchildren
None of ours ever had our kids overnight, or rarely at all without us being there. My dm would ceremonially babysit one night per year for us.
It doesn’t mean you can’t feel miffed, but how much are they still working, and when did their youngest child leave the nest.
I’m mid fifties, still have youngest dc at home, work full time and oldest dc is actively planning a pregnancy.
I’m not sure how much energy or time I have for lots of emergency childcare or babysitting, of course I don’t want to be an actual dick about it but .....

This. I can honestly say I don’t know of anyones parents who never helped out with their grandkids.

I have small children and know of a lot of people who have no help from their parents/ in-laws (me included). I also know people who live too far away to help to.

Whatever inheritance your MIL has received , at 61 ( my age also ) she is still working also and so presumably needs or wants to .. and she has 6 or 7 more years before state pension... Many women do not have another pension at all.

She may live another 35-40 years , so she will probably need that inheritance money and I'm sure what she has left will be inherited by her children when she no loner needs it .

I have 3 grandchildren but I am still working p/t now like you MIL I love them dearly and we see them when i can , and happily will have them for weekend (if it fits in with what we are doing ) but its not my responsibility to look after them .

Also why is it just you e MIL getting this flak from you? she is not their only grandparent..

I don't think you are BU, we only have one surviving grandparent who lives 400 miles away but did and has helped out in the past eg when we were invited to a wedding overnight and when our 2nd DC were born. However we don't get any day to day help and I too am surrounded by GPs picking up children from school and generally being helpful. In your situation they have all lost the chance to have a wonderful relationship with your DCs and I am incredulous that they wouldn't care about this. More fool them.

We are pretty much the same. I don’t think it’s a given that grandparents are obliged to help but it hurts when they don’t want to. My in laws have dictated to us what then will and won’t do. But we have never expected anything- good job. It does hurt when I see friends away for weekend at hotels and on date night and we can’t do it because we have no cover. I have already vowed to help my children out however I can if they have kids. I’m so upset my family and extended family aren’t clamouring to have them even as an occasional thing - and they aren’t hard work at all

To answer some questions:

All P/PIl had lots of help from their parents.

mIl works 2 days per week. Spends 5 days shopping / dog walking her dogs.

We both work FT as we have to support ourselves and can not afford childcare and mortgage etc working less. Please do not turn this into a financial debate as it isn't. Everyone I know works full time.

I just personally find it difficult to spend a 2hr visit at a restaurant every 3 months with false promises from MIl 'ooh we'll pick you up from school DGC' when it never happens. Then lots of Facebook photos.

Just disappointing. I don't want to pretend it's a proper relationship when really it isn't.

I took care of my DGC to help their shift working parents. This involved strange hours. I was ill and known to be ill by the parents but still the demand came. In order to keep contact with DGC I complied despite medical advice that I was not fit to cope with DGC. I asked for help with things and although it was not refused it never happened. This was things like moving furniture. I noticed that the parents would not come in and hold a conversation. They just wanted me to babysit. I asked that someone came with me to a medical appointment. This was not refused but just didn't happen. I was ill after that appointment and too sick to have DGC. True enough after one day being very ill and not babysitting I dont see DGC for ages.
I am a grandmother not running a child care facility