Resentment towards Grandparenta

[foxstar3]

Hi
My DH and I have 3 DC. All lovely well behaved etc.
We have 4 sets of divorced parents.
My DM is mentally ill.
But 3 sets of healthy 60-61yr P/PIL.

My FIl will look after DC in our home for around one day every school holiday.

Mil works 2 days per week. Superb heath. 60. Will not stay over night at ours even though free travel and we have 2 spare bedrooms. Literally phoned we begging for help when snowed under with stressful job and her suggestion is to work part time. Or when all 3DC unwell and asked to help said 'GP don't help that's what it's like these days.
When visiting is literally with us for about 2hr. Then has to leave to look after dogs.
Told her dogs are very welcome at ours.

My Dad said would never help out and has never looked after kids alone at all ever.

Feel growing resentment towards them all, particularly mil. Mil recently inherited a lot of money and gave her 2 DC none. Also refused to spend Xmas with us last 2 years due to spending it with single step son and her husband.

All around me GP collect kids from school, have kids for a long weekend, babysit. Etc.

Cannot be bothered to pretend there is a good relationship between a GP and GC who spends 3hr in a restaurant every 3 months, and that's it.

Fed up. What do others think.

Sent too soon.
There are two sides to every story

It's doubtful she spends 5 days shopping. That's a snippy little judgement on your part.

And just because everyone you know works full-time, doesn't mean it's a rule.

I understand it's hurtful when gp don't want to help, especially when you see lovely ones in other families. But it doesn't mean they're obliged to help you.

People over childbearing age have every right to live their lives, make money, walk dogs, and even go shopping, without being expected to fulfill expectations currently being failed by 3 other people, and not just themselves.

We live 1 mile from Fil and adult Bil and Sil, who don't work. DH has a good relationship with them, he spent today with them and 7yo DS.

They have helped out in an emergency, but nothing like an evening out for DH and me, or an overnight stay.

On the other side, DH's other sister has a VERY hands-on Mil herself, to the point where she (Sil) doesn't have much of a voice between Mil and her own husband. Plus if I ever suggest meeting up with Sil and DS' cousin, the Mil always tags along with her grandson cos she's bored and they can all play together... I like this Sil a lot but don't meet as often as I'd like cos her Mil is a pain in the tits.

I live in a different country to my parents, but can tell you my dad would take DS to train museums and to see planes and pet goats and visit farms, but not anything like a scholarship pickup on a set date a week. My mother would do sweet FA. My parents themselves had no help whatsoever with my sister and I.

School not scholarship. FFS.

We both work FT as we have to support ourselves and can not afford childcare and mortgage etc working less. Please do not turn this into a financial debate as it isn't. Everyone I know works full time.

I worked full time. No one is saying you shouldn't. I am a single for parent. I know its hard. When we is ill, I have to not go to work. It's that simple.

But the point is that these are decisions you have made. It's not for other people to pick up the slack. If they can and do, that great.

But I don't actually think this is about childcare. This is about you not liking MIL. Your parents don't do anything at all. But it's MIL that is the one who you resent. Your judgmental about what she does with her spare time and what she does with her own money and arsey about Christmas.

Is it really that shocking that, because her step son is single her and her Dp choose to spend Christmas with him. Their thinking will be that her kids have their own families.

If you don't like her, that's fair enough. But dressing it up in all these other issues is wrong. Especially since your own dad won't do anything either.

You are being totally unreasonable for bitching about lack of free childcare. You had these children, you look after them.

If you don't want to visit by just going to a restaurant every 3 months then tell her, get DH to tell her you'll just call round to hers after lunch and leave before dinner.

Why should MIL help you more than DF or FIL?

Yanbu to be upset they aren't more interested in seeing the kids
Yabu to think they should be providing childcare

It may well be that grandparents are backing off from over involvement in their grandchildren's lives, because they are afraid of upsetting the parents. Many parents issue a list of rules, and make it plain that there can be no deviation from said rules. Caring grandparents will always comply and do what's best for their grandchildren, but they can sometimes feel that their own experiences of child rearing are dismissed. We hear frequently about grandparents being stopped from seeing their grandchildren because the parent believes they have overstepped their remit. As a result many grandparents are walking on eggshells to avoid this and are themselves limiting the time they spend with their grandchildren. I have seen this first hand and it's sad because the children are missing out on important relationships.

For all the people saying it's unreasonable, don't you think it's less fair if the parents get lots of help themselves?

My in laws are lovely, and help out because as my mil says, they got help themselves, plus cheap housing and free uni and didn't both need to work. My parents have watched too much fox news and think that because we all have dishwashers these days we're just lazy millennials and can do it ourselves - even though we went to my grandma's every day after school growing up. I think that's the unfair bit.

To clarify

I like MIL a lot. Just don't understand why she won't stay overnight even though we've asked and she said is definitely no problem with us / our house

I'm sad that in 2018 she spent around 12 hours all year with these grandchildren. I honestly don't think my DC will have memories of her

Also that my DH and I get no time alone other than babysitting which we struggle to afford. We haven't had a day together for years

If all GP had been honest 10yr ago before we had DC and said 'actually we will never give you a break at all or even spend the weekend at your house wth you.' I would have re-considered having DC. Ag the time they all said they would help with babysitting, give us a break etc. But actually can't be bothered

There's never been a list of rules. I am very keen for anyone to show interest in DC. When FIl comes he can do as he pleases. He likes
To know what meal so we buy food items for him. I'm no diva at all.

You notice some grandparents collecting from school but there'll be plenty of parents like you who don't have the every day support of extended family.

You need to accept them as they are.

Head in hands how did you get to the acceptance stage?

Not to drip feed but all 3 sets are wealthy too and spend a lot of time holidaying so each time we see them it's hearing about New Zealand / Borneo (!)/ China (!) new car etc.

But when no assistance for us with anything at all even just a break from the kids I'm just getting resentful. How do you manage it ?

And yes it's unfair that your mil bares the brunt whereas your ddad's lack of babysitting gets brushed off.

We both work FT as we have to support ourselves and can not afford childcare and mortgage etc working less.

Did you assume gps would do free childcare when planning your family? Did you not realise they weren't going to shoulder the burden of your choices as much as you'd hoped after your firstborn, and you went on to have 2 more?

Do you think it’s because they find 3 children overwhelming? That is a lot of children for one person to babysit. I think you just need to accept the situation and move on. My parents had zero parental help and managed to raise three children and work (part-time for my mum while we were small). I do kind of agree with your MiL - one of you needs to go part-time if you are not coping. Your childcare costs must be immense so one of yourdropping to part time hours I’m guessing wouldn’t leave you worse off financially? If you are both so stressed, something has to change - this is no way to live your lives!

Do you invite them to do anything with the children whilst you and DH are there? Or only when you want a babysitter? Also you keep saying about your MIL, have you spoken to your father about why he doesnt ever offer? Deciding to have children based on assumptions that someone might help out is always a bit of a risk, but a bit late now. I hope you find a resolution, but they are not duty bound to help out.

Parents live too far away to help when ours were younger.
Did not have date night until the DC were in their teens.
Accept what you cannot change and let the resentment go.

I do understand your resentment OP. My parents do masses for my siblings and their children and hardly see us at all. But as they get older they can be sure it will work in the other direction too. Their choice.

If all GP had been honest 10yr ago before we had DC and said 'actually we will never give you a break at all or even spend the weekend at your house wth you.' I would have re-considered having DC. Ag the time they all said they would help with babysitting, give us a break etc. But actually can't be bothered*

You wouldn't have kids? Hang on why not stop at one then? When they were helping? Or stop at 2?

Or what happens if all became ill, as they get older and couldn't help anymore?

You don't have kids based on a 3rd party offering help.

You clearly don't like him as she is baring the brunt of this. Not your own dad.

And you and your husband haven't had time together? That's what's happens when you have kids.

Having on tap babysitters is a bonus. People who have that are lucky. It doesn't make the rest of entitled to it.

You and your husband chose to have 3 kids. That's the life you are living. As busy parents of 3.

If it's making you so miserable look at a way at reducing out goings. Or wait until the child care fees decrease and then pay for a babysitter.

i'm just getting resentful. How do you manage it ?*

It's just life isn't it. Like when a girl in your class at primary school had the lunch bag/coat/pencil case that you wanted but your parents wouldn't buy for you. Fundamentally it's that others have things much easier/better. Conversely others have it worse. For example my mum left when I was 6 and has never babysat or had any sort of relationship with me, let alone my kids 😂

Yanbu from me. I love my kids and when they have their own babies and need help, I will willingly provide it. I want to make their lives easier.
I can understand not wanting to stay over every week and even about keeping her inheritance, but if you were sitting on a load of money, I can't understand why you wouldn't help your kids out a bit. A little help can make a huge difference.
And since they benefitted from lots of support themselves, I do think they should pay it forward!

When they get old and need you, you have every right to leave them to it!
I'd also put a stop to the dinners out - save the money for a babysitter so you can spend some time with your husband. And if mil says to the kids she will meet them from school, don't let that shit pass - tell her to stop making false promises to your kids. One day they'll be old enough to notice the lie.

But their wealth; their work life balance; their choice of hobbies; their photos on FB are precisely that - theirs.

You focus on your life; your choices; your family.

Get together when you can and enjoy each other's company.

I agree with others. You chose to have children. You chose to have a second and a third knowing exactly what life would look like.

It clearly pisses you off but them's the breaks.

The takeaway from this again is the yawning disparity between what you expect from female relatives versus what you expect from male ones.

Come on people this is 2019 and here we are judging the two very very differently.

I know your ddad says he's never been alone with a child but neither had lots of parents when they had a baby. It sounds like my dad's attitude to cooking. After mum left he barely cooked and then it was tinned new potatoes. He was watching me dish up Christmas dinner a few years ago and said 'how come you can cook, you didn't learn it from me' and I said 'I looked in a recipe book or asked people.' It's clear he knew there wasn't the societal expectation on him to learn how to cook, so he didn't. The same way your dad knows there isn't a societal expectation on him to look after the kids so he won't learn.

These two examples are 40 years apart but it's clear from the lack of criticism of your dad from yourself and others here that we've barely moved an inch. 😳

If all GP had been honest 10yr ago before we had DC and said 'actually we will never give you a break at all or even spend the weekend at your house wth you.' I would have re-considered having DC.

What on earth? They're your children - your decision and your responsibility! And if parental help was so important why the bloody hell didn't you stop at one?