Resentment towards Grandparenta

[foxstar3]

Hi
My DH and I have 3 DC. All lovely well behaved etc.
We have 4 sets of divorced parents.
My DM is mentally ill.
But 3 sets of healthy 60-61yr P/PIL.

My FIl will look after DC in our home for around one day every school holiday.

Mil works 2 days per week. Superb heath. 60. Will not stay over night at ours even though free travel and we have 2 spare bedrooms. Literally phoned we begging for help when snowed under with stressful job and her suggestion is to work part time. Or when all 3DC unwell and asked to help said 'GP don't help that's what it's like these days.
When visiting is literally with us for about 2hr. Then has to leave to look after dogs.
Told her dogs are very welcome at ours.

My Dad said would never help out and has never looked after kids alone at all ever.

Feel growing resentment towards them all, particularly mil. Mil recently inherited a lot of money and gave her 2 DC none. Also refused to spend Xmas with us last 2 years due to spending it with single step son and her husband.

All around me GP collect kids from school, have kids for a long weekend, babysit. Etc.

Cannot be bothered to pretend there is a good relationship between a GP and GC who spends 3hr in a restaurant every 3 months, and that's it.

Fed up. What do others think.

It's hurtful that they aren't more interested in your lives I get that although if you have children you should be mentally prepared to raise them without any help as the people I've come across who feel entitled to others propping them up are usually the ones who find it the hardest. If you're resolved to finding solutions that don't rely on family help then you're more likely to cope better as you're not wasting energy on feeling disappointed or resentful.

Having said that relationships are a two way street and if they aren't invested in caring about you struggling now when you're actively asking for help then you shouldn't feel at all invested in helping them when their circumstances change. And they will. They will get older, health will deteriorate, may find themselves alone etc Who will they turn to for help then? Not you, you'll be busy with your own adult children reaping the rewards of all the work you put in to raise your family.

I only have 1 GP to ask for help, which is my DM, she's a very young minded, physically active 71 year old who adores our DS3 - but even she would never commit to regularly having DS. We pay for him to attend nursery 3 days a week whilst I go to work part time.
She does help out in an emergency but wouldn't have him if he was poorly with say a D&V bug that could easily be passed on to her- which tbh is fair enough.
DH & I would love a big family (he was brought up in care so has no family whatsoever) but are stopping at 2 as we know if we wanted a extremely rare night away or a date night etc we could manage to get 2 looked after as we also have fantastic godparents who will help when convenient.
It is hard and we find it frustrating sometimes when we see that people we know have unlimited childcare & get to go away & do loads without their kids , especially when it's not particularly appreciated, but at the same time we chose to have a family & PP are right in saying some GP do have the attitude of "they've had their kids & done their bit for society" so you can't force anyone to look after them.
Maybe see if you can get a local trusted babysitter? We have the option of using a lady from DS nursery if we needed to.

It IS disappointing. I think we all want our children to have the experience of a kindly grandparent who bakes cakes with them, or teaches them how to dig up potatoes in their allotment, or spends hours with them building model aeroplanes, but that's not what many of our parents are prepared to do for our children. Shame really, because modelling behaviour is what prompts future generations to repeat it - my friend's dad has often said how much he loved his grandad and the fun they had together, and I can see how he is trying to repeat that with his own grandson.

Not sure why some grandparents are not willing to do the same even when they've experienced it themselves though.

Wow! I’m saying this really kindly, I’d consider seeing a counsellor/life coach as the resentment from you seems like it’s damaging you and your family relationships.

You cannot resent any other human being for their life choices-be it holidays, having pets, having their own life. That’s such an unfair and selfish viewpoint.

I’m wondering do they not do much with you precisely because of your pressure on childcare and sleeping over? Why not arrange a Saturday/Sunday activity for you all, something really fun and different where the only pressure is to enjoy each other’s company? No sleeping over etc. I don’t like sleeping over, I like my own bed, I have the responsibility of pets, running a house etc-maybe that’s why they don’t want to stay.

It does seem you’re pretty jealous which is a shame as I think it’s clouding your judgement. See a life coach, they may help you try and balance your diary/money to stretch to some of the things you aspire to.

But ultimately, you chose to bring 3 lives into this world and yes, you shoulder the responsibility for it. Until you can accept this or get the help to accept it, you’ll never be at peace.

I understand. YANBU. It sounds like you're trying your best and struggling - they should help. You deserve help but you have no entitlement to it - if that makes sense. They don't have to - but if they dont they are crappy.
I'm in the same position but what can you do? I was/am very angry but I just found it a waste of time. Better to do less with them and concentrate on making yourself happy with what you've got. Their loss at the end of the day (and your loss and your kids' loss). I'm sad about the situation but it is what it is!

Eigercounter not everyone grandparents like that. Even way back when.

My my is on her 60s. Her memories of her grandparents are visiting them in the pub they owned until they were too old to do it anymore. Then they moved in with them and my mum's, mum cared for them until they died.

So she remembers them working or being too old and frail too look after themseleves.

Some people have hands on grandparents. Some of us don't. Again my nana, having brought 4 kids up and looking after her in laws didn't babysit us. Occassionally in an emergency.

I still had a good relationship with her. Never baked or hardened though.

I am NC with my parents. So don't get help. It's just how it is and there has never been a time in history where ALL grandparents provided lots of care and support for the grandkids.

I'm just hurt they don't want to spend more time with us, that's all.

They don't really know their DGC and they're lovely little people.

I'm sad no one wants to invite us for Christmas or holiday with us or spend one day at the weekend with us (rather than a few hours).

People would have to stay over as they live a few hour drive but get free travel.

It's just they don't want to. As I said when I ask why re assured it's not us, the house, the food.

Thanks for understanding. I thought it would improve once DGC we're older but it hasn't. I'm a friendly nice person and so is DH. Oh well.

I understand fox - im the same. It really stings.

Seen a few posts recently with people moaning that GP's don't have active involvement with their GC.

ITS THEIR LOSS!!!
Why would anyone want anyone round their children if it seemed forced or that the person really didn't want to bother.
Remove the family name..... who cares if they are related..... it only falls badly on the GP's. It says nothing about your kids if your parents don't want to bother.
Neither of my parents bother with my kids or ask about them or see them...... it may bother me slightly (much less than it used to) but it certainly doesn't bother my children. Kids will only be affected if the person had a good and frequent relationship with the person and then they stopped contact. If they've never bothered with them it won't affect the kids.
Now when people are crying saying they 'need help' with their kids and think GP's should step up with (free) childcare...... listen..... they are YOUR children. The only people who the children are dependent on, are YOU, the parents. Yeah we all want a break now and then, but we aren't entitled to it. We are stuck with these little humans we created for at least 18 years...... show them what YOU can do for them..... not what you can do whilst you palm them off on people. They're kids..... they're not wild animals. Parenthood is challenging, but not impossible.......if you can't be unselfish for 18years of their life..... remain childless!

So you would have reconsidered having kids had you known that GPs wouldn't help out? At what point did you realise that the GPs were not meeting your ridiculous expectations? Was it after one, two or the third child? Your seething resentment probably oozes from you when the GPs do meet up with you and I'd say they are keeping you at arms length for a reason. You chose to have kids, you mind them. Boohoo that you don't get a day out with your Dh alone. You're part of a family now so get on with it and forget about other people at the school gate, and their family set up. There will be plenty of years ahead when the kids are grown up and gone when you can have a day out with your Dh (though you'll probably be rearing your grandchildren then )

If all GP had been honest 10yr ago before we had DC and said 'actually we will never give you a break at all or even spend the weekend at your house wth you.' I would have re-considered having DC

Wow.

I can't bleieve you had kids purely on the assumption that other people would take them off you.

Could you meet half way one Sunday a month somewhere? I get you’re hurt and you may think ‘why should I?’ But just once a month maybe halfway (apologies if this has been tried already).

Also please try not to feel sad over Christmas. From another view as someone with no kids, I love our nieces and nephews I really do, but I find it really tiring! Having them over for a few days gives me a shock 😏

It could be they just are so used to their own lives and relaxed ways that an overnight at Christmas can be overwhelming. I’m not excusing as I don’t know them, but just trying to give a viewpoint in a nice way 🙂

It really may help seeing someone for a chat for help on how to accept this and maybe help with any life changes that could be made for things to run easy to help live a kind life to a busy couple/family

I get you feeling like they want to spend time with the kids.

But it's not coming across like that and maybe doesn't to then

I'm just hurt they don't want to spend more time with us, that's all.

That's not all. You are annoyed because they won't take on some childcare and think there is an obligation to give you money.

I'm sad no one wants to invite us for Christmas or holiday with us or spend one day at the weekend with us (rather than a few hours).

They all have lots of people to juggle and not everyone wants to spend their holidays focused on families when they don't have kids.

Lots of people don't want to stay in other people's houses.

These are their choices. I get that it might make you sad. But your posts are about wanting childcare, you even said you wouldn't have had the kids if you had of known. And what they can do for you.

If this is such an issue, can't you move closer?

You may need to just accept this is How it is.

At sleepingstandup
What I mean is that when you have lots of young healthy Semi retired GP around who say they'll help babysit etc you assume they will. That's all.

I love our children to bits and would do the same again. Just worn out and seeing other GP so active over half term etc has made me feel sad.

Thanks for other suggestions. I used to see a counsellor but tbh it made me feel worse as she pointed out things I'd tried to ignore eg uselessness of my Dad, mil prioritising new husbands family etc. Then I sill have to go home look after DC etc feeling more miserable. So I stopped.

OP I understand where you are coming from
but you are being unreasonable.
Of course it is lovely for GPs to help out but they are not obligated to. They have did their stint of child rearing.
I hope I won’t be expected to help rear my grandchildren when I’m in my 60s 🙈

GPs can’t win on Mumsnet. They are either overbearing and overinvolved or else not interested at all

They live few hours from you so realistically day to day help or babysitting is not going to happen.

They don't visit you....but how often do YOU visit them??

And of course if you moan that they are not helping in front of them and only contact them when you want help then it's no wonder they stay away.

help babysit etc you assume they will. That's all well that's not as saying you wouldn't have had them in hindsight because the grandparents don't do enough for you

I understand you being upset about their lack of involvement and interest.
Have you invited them on holiday with you? Suggested meeting up somewhere part way more often?

Do you get much time where you or DH has Al lthe kids and the other one gets a few hours peace and quiet?

You deserve but you arent entitled. Its sad. I've distanced myself from my parents.

If they all live a distance away then the relationship is not a close one. Meeting only a few hours a month is not a good basis for weekend childcare, they are practically strangers to each other. The gps that you see doing all this stuff have lives that are interwoven with their grandchildren. They know them. Their likes, dislikes, quirks, behaviour etc. You can't just pull that out of thin air. You sound stressed op. Do you have a dp that shares the child-rearing and housework?

It’s not unreasonable to be a bit sad and disappointed at this, I think everyone would agree with that.

I guess the key is though that you can’t change it, it is their choice and the more you focus on it and allow yourself to be sad, well, it just won’t help. Focus on acceptance of their choices and making positive improvement to your own life that you are in control of such as finding a good regular babysitter (swapping with a friend if cost is an issue), doing things to improve your quality of life such as getting a cleaner to relieve the workload at home and giving you more time to do fun stuff with the DC. Nurture your friendships and relationships with other families. Take control!

You had 3 kids because someone gave you their word that they'd help you look after them?

In any normal situation you must have thought that the situation could change at any time? What was your contingency plan?

I think most parents would expect the grandparents to make more of an effort to forge a relationship with the grandchildren.
Making false promises to babysit etc is just horrible. I would feel ashamed. It sounds like you and your family are not a priority.
Gone are the days it seems when grandparents helped out their sons and daughters, if not with regular childcare then at least an hour's walk out in the local park. It's not actually about childcare for most, it's about the bond and a child's relationship with their parents.

It seems none of them live close enough to be able to offer day to day support or even regular ad hoc help. Not really that different from my grandparents involvement in our family. We were 3 kids and a dog, both parents worked FT.

Didn’t bother my parents, they decided where they wanted to live. Grandparents had their own lives to manage one way or the other. Same with my siblings and me. We didn’t live near our parents, PIL yes but that wasn’t a blessing for any of us.

Personally I have never wanted anything but happiness for my parents. They were great parents and didn’t interfere with our lives as adults. They were never interested in being child minders or being part of big familllllee get togethers.

I would be like your MIL at 60. Wouldn’t relish child care duties in someone else’s house especially with your level of entitlement and hostility. Which is very obvious from your posts.

'Semi retired' doesnt mean 'available for childcare'!!.

People age age 60 are often ( like me) are also supporting older parents.

I'm semi retired, but still have a job and was F/T until a few months ago when my DM was ill (and has since sadly died) .

I have worked pretty much F/T since aged 16. And had a family , and had to rely in childminders etc , because I chose to, ( but wouldnt expect my family to have been childcare anyway ) ..

I'm now looking to enjoy my retirement and have a life which means i dont have tothink about work, and if that is selfish act in your eyes, then so be it. but yes also see the DGcs when I can/ want / they want,/ have them for the odd weekend now and then .) I also support my DF when I am able . Oh, and I also have a DH and friends I like to spend time with

But I've done my time being regular childcare.. YABU

What I mean is that when you have lots of young healthy Semi retired GP around who say they'll help babysit etc you assume they will. That's all.

If someone said to me they'd be available to help babysit I would assume they meant every few months or in an emergency - not on any kind of regular basis!