Resentment towards Grandparenta

[foxstar3]

Hi
My DH and I have 3 DC. All lovely well behaved etc.
We have 4 sets of divorced parents.
My DM is mentally ill.
But 3 sets of healthy 60-61yr P/PIL.

My FIl will look after DC in our home for around one day every school holiday.

Mil works 2 days per week. Superb heath. 60. Will not stay over night at ours even though free travel and we have 2 spare bedrooms. Literally phoned we begging for help when snowed under with stressful job and her suggestion is to work part time. Or when all 3DC unwell and asked to help said 'GP don't help that's what it's like these days.
When visiting is literally with us for about 2hr. Then has to leave to look after dogs.
Told her dogs are very welcome at ours.

My Dad said would never help out and has never looked after kids alone at all ever.

Feel growing resentment towards them all, particularly mil. Mil recently inherited a lot of money and gave her 2 DC none. Also refused to spend Xmas with us last 2 years due to spending it with single step son and her husband.

All around me GP collect kids from school, have kids for a long weekend, babysit. Etc.

Cannot be bothered to pretend there is a good relationship between a GP and GC who spends 3hr in a restaurant every 3 months, and that's it.

Fed up. What do others think.

The basic issue is likely to be that you live a distance away. If you were closer, MIL might be more inclined to do school pick ups. She's not going to do that if she's too far away.

And to babysit she needs to either travel a long way or stay over, with or without dogs. If she comes without the dogs, she has to get back for them or ask someone to look after them. If she brings the dogs with her, I imagine that could be stressful as she'd have to look after them in a strange house, see to their usual walks etc, as well as babysitting 3 children who would be ex excited to have dogs in the house.

If you lived closer she could do pick-ups and be home after, she could pop along to babysit them go home.

Even if she was the most willing free babysitter in the world, living a distance away makes it all automatically much more difficult.

I wonder how much you discussed their help before having children. Did you live as far away? Did you talk about specifics?

Do you make enough working full-time to make it worthwhile to pay the extra childcare? If not, is it worth full-time for reasons of your career? Or do you feel you must work full-time for some other reason?

And by "you" I mean either you or your husband. Would there be potential for you both to drop hours, part-time but say 30 hours, so not too low and still leaving time for both of you to share childcare?

Assuming GPs aren't going to help, start making changes and thinking how you can make life happier and easier in some other ways.

You’ve not answered why you seem to be more annoyed with you mil than your dad

Probably it seems she has an easier life?

I understand it's hurtful but it DOES get my goat when the 'I'm so busy I've got three kids' moaning starts.

Did anyone force you to have three kids?

Hang on, they live 'several hours drive away' and 'travel is free'. How is their travel 'free'? Being so far away means they were never going to be able to offer much help child-minding were they? Certainly not on a day to day basis. So why say you would have reconsidered having children if you had known they wouldn't help out? Both of my adult children live several hours drive away and we see each one about once a month. No grand-children yet but when they do have children it simply will not be possible for me to be a hands-on grand parent. I had very little help when mine were young - my mother worked full-time and MIL and FIL had lots of holidays and played lots of golf. I don't resent the fact they rarely helped, I don't resent the fact they travelled or had money - they earned it. Stop looking at grandparents in the playground, they are in a tiny minority Most parents just get on with it.

My in laws used to have my son when he was a baby 2 days a week so he didn’t have to go to nursery 5 days a week but I was lucky I know, mil didn’t work and fil worked from home . We also used those evenings for a night out every week. I found my mil hard work to be honest and she very sadly died far too young, but I am forever greatful to her and she had an amazing relationship with our son. My mother on the other hand had no interest whatsoever, but then she didn’t in me either

Your expectations are shocking. Why should an inheritance be handed out? There is no rule that grandparents have to help. They must have their reasons which could be anything from wanting a quiet life to not enjoying your children. A lot of parents are very entitled these days. What works in other peoples families does not in others. Why have children and then moan parents are helping you bring them up? They are your responsibility

I understand not all G.P. have the energy or time to look after DGC
We have a routine that we have them all for overnights 3 children with 5DGC not altogether though :-) every school holidays mid term Easter summer Oct week & Christmas plus parents birthdays and wedding anniversary’s.
We enjoy their company and bonding with them teaching them about nature wildlife happy times all around.
The parents know we do this and they enjoy couple time now and again. Do emergency pick ups if need too and if they are ill will help out. Our children appreciate us as we always make it fair to the DGC.

Op doesnt expect she's saying shes upset because gps arent interested and that is understanding, no?

YABVU. The grandparents you see doing school pick up probably live just down the street from the parents. Yours live several hours' drive away.

Expecting them to up sticks and stay over at yours just to do a bit of babysitting is very unreasonable. I know you have said that the dogs are welcome but it's really not that simple. It's quite an upheaval to come and stay with a long drive and dogs.

You are being even more unreasonable by criticising your MIL but seemingly accepting your DF's blank refusal.

The money thing is ridiculous. Of course she doesn't have to give her inheritance to her children. Of course she doesn't have to finance your life choices. If you hadn't had three children you would be a lot better off yourselves and possibly able to afford holidays to China and wherever else.

Oh and you think your children are lovely but to someone in their 60s they could be just exhausting. I know people who think their children are charming, amusing, lively - whereas to the rest of the world they are demanding, hyperactive, annoying little shits. Not saying yours are, just that you're probably not the best person to judge.

Op doesnt expect she's saying shes upset because gps arent interested and that is understanding, no?

No she isn't. She is clearly saying she is upset that people won't provide free child care and give them money.

Tennessee
For me it's the whole piece but 80% is the lack of interest

DH just says 'when DC are older they won't bother visiting and calling and it'll be the GP loss' . But to me it's sad. I can't change it.

I have one side of grandparents who aren't really interested. It hurts.

I doubt they are wasting time agonising about it feeling sad and disappointed why are you?

It doesn't mean the same to them or they are very short sighted indeed to think they will be able to tap in when the children are older or they need care / support from you in the future.

Do yourself and your family a favour and focus on what you do have. Work on solving the things that would make life easier and happier in ways that don't rely on so called family. Enjoy this time for what it is rather than what it isn't as you won't get it back and they aren't worth it.

mIl works 2 days per week. Spends 5 days shopping / dog walking her dogs
As she is fully entitled to do having bought up her own family. Your attitude is awful, you are a really good example of the Me. Me. Me generation that I thought was a myth - turns out not so much huh?

@foxstar3 my parents are deceased and my PIL see our DC once a year. During that time they spend more time shopping for their other grown up GC who the see at least once/twice a week having helped SIL raise them a few doors away.

They don't phone the house but call DH's
Mobile after bed time and don't get me started on the nonsense they buy them when they are here.

My eldest DC is almost 16 and I now no longer care: They've missed out on everything and I've just stopped inviting them places. She tried to tell me last time she was over that it was our fault, I shut that right down.

It's galling to see her sporting her 'trophy grandparenting' skills all about the place when it's a load of nonsense.

We have filled the DC's lives full of friends that adore them and it really is now a case of PIL's loss.

For the sake of your own mental health let it go and muddle through. It gets easier, I promise.

OP comes back briefly to answer one solitary question she likes the look of and to ignore nearly everything else.

I can see why the MIL stays away.

YABU I’m afraid OP. When you were in your carefree childfeee years did you offer to spend time looking after someone else’s kids and help them out because they have a stressful job? Of course not, you were enjoying your life! Your MIL is free to do the same - she’s done her child raising already. If I was your MIL I would be loving my semi retirement whilst I’m still young enough to.

For me it's the whole piece but 80% is the lack of interest

Except that's not what your OP says.

Its about babysitting, giving you a break, giving you money and aimed at your MIL.

Your further posts ignore that people have asked why you are so pissed off with MIL but barely mention your own dad

You want and feel entitled to help. You said yourself you wouldn't have had 3 kids if you had of known they wouldn't help. Did you mean you would have had 3 of you realised they wouldn't have had a good relationship with their grandparents? That makes no sense.

You blame your MIL most of all. Your refusal leads me to think that you excuse your dad because he is a man and your dad. It's ok to pissed off with MIL though.

I get what you’re saying, I know it’s not the MN way. Apparently we should all just woman up etc.

Mine at youthful 60, one not working, one pt. what really really got me was giving birth. They don’t do out of hours or long periods. Basically this meant facing the reality of giving birth alone, scared after previous pph. I was embarrassed the neighbours knocked and offered to watch kids anytime to help when my parents wouldn’t put themselves out for such a one off.

I guess though I’ve always expected to do my duty in their old age and care for them, honestly- but having seen they neither helped me nor their own parents in old age I guess I’m not to feel guilty over not!

I think to get it you need to be someone who enjoys helping, i share childcare and help friends a lot- why not if I can. It’s a really easy thing to do, so it hurts that those closest to me won’t (and they are capable ex primary teachers in good health). Luckily though offering help I’ve built up a good network of friends who help me mutually. But then I’m the kind of person who’d help anyone who was really stuck, even a school friend or neighbour I knew very little I’d watch a child in the event of illness or emergency. If they gave birth I’d happily go as far as going to the hospital if I had the capacity and no other commitments. Why not make a big difference to someone’s life when it makes no discernible impact on your own? I find it bizarre

You can't plan childcare around grandparents. Sorry to sound morbid but what if you relied on a particular grandparent and they died? We don't get overnight help from GP and lots of our friends do. It's just one of those things! But we never had our children on the basis of anyone else looking after them. It was always with the intention that I would look after them when they weren't at nursery, and this is how it is. You're not being unreasonable for feeling sad and resentful, we're all human. But you are being a bit unreasonable mentioning finances of GP. That's their money to do what they like with.

Agree with sloberi. We are responsible for ourselves - we fill ourselves up and once we have enough that love pours to everyone else. Some people arent full yet . Some people just cant.