Heart Broken

[NatM1]

Hi never used this site b fore but needed to talk. Ok so married 18 years nearly two lovely kids 14 and 15. My husband asked to talk yesterday and said he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore. The usual it’s not anything you have done you treat me like a king. There isn’t anyone else. I have just felt like this a few months and can’t continue like this anymore. He said he needed to move out for a week or so to clear his head. I was totally shocked and said what about the kids. He called them down and told them. My daughter is really upset and my son won’t talk to him. So so hard. I still love my husband so much and can’t imagine life without him. I know I am still in shock but really needed to just write it down I suppose. We literally do everything together, kids competitions, holidays . We were still sexually a give although I think looking back it was probably just a need for him. Feel completely blown out of the water and don’t know whether he is just confused got bored with maybe routine or he really doesn’t love me anymore? I understand things change in 18 years but we still seem to get each other, ie jokes, sarcasm etc and although he says he has tried, he bought my underwear etc, I told him I don’t feel special I don’t feel he makes an efffort and that he expects it to all come from me. Any feedback chat would be really good

Thank you lovely people. Blue sheep sorry you went through this too. You are so right at the moment it is day by day, making sure the kids have what they need and are fed. Evenings I seem to feel a little better which is odd as this is when he would normally be here. Unfortunately 3 years ago suddenly one day I woke up to a panic attack and didn’t know what it was as I was one of these people that could understand people saying they had anxiety etc. That soon changed to gosh if a tablet will help so sort help from my gp and had a few counciling sessions too. I very quickly fought hack and got back to a very busy life. Now what is happening is every morning I am getting up with the horrible anxiety affects hot flushes shaking, feeling all crunched up inside. I spoke to my dad who said not a good idea to up my meds as these are normal feeling to the situation I am in, but waking up every morning to this is just horrible

Listen to what your body is telling you. You feel better in the evenings when he is not there and used to be. That’s a massive clue. You’re feeling better because the unspoken negativity isn’t there and you got through another day.

Start to grab your power back. Make it easy for you, not him. He’s harmed you enough.

I know exactly what you feel. I have anxiety too although it is much better than it was. However I also see what your dad is saying. Sometimes we have to ride through and process the pain because it WILL come to bite us at some point and it will make us stronger going through it - putting it off can mean more agony later. However, whatever anyone needs to do to get through the day is up to them.

Let me be the one to say it. He has a woman

I hate these comments, not a shred of fucking evidence to suggest there is an OW.

Sometimes men fall out of love with women and vice versa without there being a malicious motive.

Kettleon thank u. I spoke to a very wise friend who went through similar and she said upping is not going to take anything away just a short term helpline hand. So I bitvthe bullet and called go had a phone convo with his registrar as he was off and she was amazing, she reduced me to tears she said I am doing really well considering the circumstances. She agreed an instant up from 100 to 150 was advisable and said to see it as a helping hand and not to overthink the meds. I take the meds for anxiety not depression and because the symptoms are physical then the meds hopefully will help me to stay a bit calmer whilst working through this, rather than dulling things. I am not doing this to get the husband back but to stay ok for the kids.

Roastox. Agree everyone will have their opinion ie is he isn’t he, but I have no doubt that he is not cheating (this is my opinion) this is not to defend him it’s how I feel and at the nd of the day no matter what the reason has been, he has left, we are devistated, we are trying to get through each day 1 at a time at the mo which is so hard.

Morning is always the worst. I remember grieving and I would wake up, stretch, feel good, and then it was like the world came crashing down around me. Just awful. Hang in there, time heals even if this arsehole isn't helping your healing at the mo.

Hi OP. I've only just seen this thread but wanted to say it sounds like you've been handling things incredibly well.
You said yourself you've been together half your life - but given that's all of your adult life, that's an even bigger shock to the system and adjustment to have to make. You're amazing!

I'm not a particularly heavy MN user, but it does seem that the general belief is men only leave because there is another woman. That isn't true. Just like I've ended relationships without there being another man- it is possible to just feel different. (But that doesn't make it fair that he just springs it on you, tells the kids and then clears off!)

I know given their ages they probably do a lot of their own thing with friends now, but I hope you can do something fun with the kids this weekend and that all 3 of you will be able to see you'll be ok - but it's ok to take time to be sad about it XX

For a long time it was the first thing that hit me every morning after a few seconds of oblivion.

Not now, you will get through this xx 💐

I think form what I have read and having been through this myself you are making things too easy for him. First of all you need to go none contact for the sake of your own sanity. There is something called the 60 day rule if you look it up, it is too early days and too distressing for you to see him. If he sees the children he does it elsewhere and does not come in to the home. If you have to communicate , only discuss the children and if possible only do this via text or email. At the moment he may be uite happy for his earnings to go in to the joint account, this will change as his guilt lessens, beware.

Thank u peeps. Ok so yesterday the morning anxiety was immense. Late afternoon better and evening time I found the strength to take my son to his trampoline club, which I coach at and I coached. Feeling proud and a bit calmer came home actually eat a little something. My son actually came and sat down stairs with me which was really nice as he doesn’t usually. (My daughter went to a sleepover)
Here we are morning again. Just awful. I don’t wake up and then it hits me I actually semi awake earlier than normal in an anxiety scared shaky sweaty state. Hi thinking oh god not again. Hoping the up on my meds will kick in soon but takes a while.

I am sorry you are going through this op. Severe anxiety is the pits. Hope meds kick in soon. In the meantime, I agree with PPS, that because you are a decent kind person, you are being a wee bit too accomodating to your h. He is putting you and your DC through this awful trauma and you are perfectly entitled, to protect your own MH, to ask that he picks up the DC in a neutral spot, that he doesn't come over to the house, that you only communicate by text etc. You are entitled to a bit of control over how things work now.

And I know it's the last thing you feel like, but please try and do a few simple financial and administrative tasks a day. Even if it's just getting a file and locating marriage documents, birth certificates. Then noting bank account details and savings, mortgage payments, insurance etc. You will need all this stuff when you see a solicitor and I'd hate to see you vulnerable.

Oh yes, and next to each he asks "is it ok if I take X y or z" I'd reply very calmly "actually I'd like you to remove all of your stuff as soon as you possibly can".

I know this is all probably the opposite to how you must be feeling but he needs to be very clear that you won't be messed about.

Next time he asks

Would something like a 15 minute yoga routine from You tube or a meditation app like calm help? Just through yourself into it when you wake up and see if that helps?

Hi think some excercises will help but maybe once I can eat a little more as feel a bit week at the mo. Again another ok evening hopiing to wake up tomorrow a little better. Hubby picked daughter up from gym then came over and I pretty much told him to take them out. So he took daughter out for a couple of hours as my son said he didn’t want to go, so me and my son chilled on our own for a bit. H brought daughter back and said thank you and asked if ok to call ref seeing the, in the week. I confirmed yes and all very polite, but tried to keep convo to a min although he seemed to want to talk to me as he normally would so that was off so I walked off and made a cuppa and did the dish washer. See what tomorrow brings

Well done. Hoping tomorrow morning is brighter. Find some distractions to line up straight away and give yourself some time to gather yourself together before you have to get out of bed. You are doing SO well 🍷

Thanks namewithchange. 🙂

Yes, bravo Natm1! Well done for being strong. Polite but cool sounds good, and not being "too available".

You probably feel weak because of shock and lack of food. Could you manage some soup perhaps?