Heart Broken

[NatM1]

Hi never used this site b fore but needed to talk. Ok so married 18 years nearly two lovely kids 14 and 15. My husband asked to talk yesterday and said he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore. The usual it’s not anything you have done you treat me like a king. There isn’t anyone else. I have just felt like this a few months and can’t continue like this anymore. He said he needed to move out for a week or so to clear his head. I was totally shocked and said what about the kids. He called them down and told them. My daughter is really upset and my son won’t talk to him. So so hard. I still love my husband so much and can’t imagine life without him. I know I am still in shock but really needed to just write it down I suppose. We literally do everything together, kids competitions, holidays . We were still sexually a give although I think looking back it was probably just a need for him. Feel completely blown out of the water and don’t know whether he is just confused got bored with maybe routine or he really doesn’t love me anymore? I understand things change in 18 years but we still seem to get each other, ie jokes, sarcasm etc and although he says he has tried, he bought my underwear etc, I told him I don’t feel special I don’t feel he makes an efffort and that he expects it to all come from me. Any feedback chat would be really good

@NatM1 your world has been knocked for six so its not surprising you feel as you do. And please remember that what works for one person won't work for another - my approach only worked as it was my way of keeping control so put my head down and focussed on actual things. Once the house sale was done however I collapsed in a heap and was so thankful that I was staying at my parents for a couple of weeks until the new house was ready. Those two weeks saved my sanity!

Thanks blobby10. That’s me normally thinking ahead, planning etc, so this is so out of character for me. I am in pieces which is scary. I am so worried about my kids too. They have been fantastic and I feel like I want to be with them all the time but know I need to let them do their normal things.

Nothing unpleasant. Thank you I have just read this and makes sense. The only thing that was different is there is no one else? I feel like shit, scared, shaky, hot flushes but I have just straightened my hair and smartened my clothes a little so when he comes to see the kids tonight I do not look a god dam mess on the sofa. It will be hard as inside I am broken but hopefully this sorts itself out.

Hope you are going out when he comes to take care of his kids OP, even a coffee at a mate's place, let him see you are getting on with your life.

Stay strong and soldier on OP!

OP, I hope you're ok, and I hope you find your anger as it will help you navigate times to come.
It breaks my heart that you still call him "hubby" in your posts. He's not "hubby", he's a selfish bastard that has hurt your children to give himself "time to think".
You know him best, would he put the DC through this for some time to think? If he saw this as temporary would he not go with a white lie like working away?
I know you must be hurting but he obviously takes you for granted so waiting for him while he decides what your life is going to look like is not going to help your case.
I hope he comes to his senses like you hope, but I am with those who think he figured out he doesn't love you as much as he lusts over ow.

Thanks adora10 and nc1548. Yes I am popping to my best friends whilst he is here. Although my son is super nervous and for a very calm boy this is unlike him. I have said that he can ring me if it becomes too uncomfortable or he’s struggling and I will come home. This is for the kids not the husband. Honestly nc1548 I don’t think he would have told the kids if it wasn’t serious hence I am so broken but then I never knew he could do this to me. I also understand that waiting is also not helping but at the mo it has gone from waiting to just thinking the worst and trying to get through each day. The anxiety affects are scary and even when I am trying to keep busy I feel like a cat on hot bricks, can’t settle, feel wobbly. Oh it’s just horrible and hope regardless now of what happens that I start to feel better.

You will feel better
You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel like you do at the moment after he pulled the rug from under your feet, but you sound like a good mum with 2 great kids, you'll get through this. I'm angry on your behalf that he is keeping you hanging rather than give you the chance to move on and work on healing.

Nc1548. Thank you trying to look at worst case ie him not coming back and think this is why I am struggling I suppose it’s a bit like grieve apart from the OMG half of me feels like it has disappeared. I wonder if I feel worse today as I know he is coming here to see the kids. Went to a friends today and her husband was home and he knows my husband. My husband told him that he was going away temporarily to sort his head out. But the convo I had with him yesterday sounds as if now he has made the break this is it hence me trying to think it’s over but getting by day by day. I know things need sorting as I am not stupid but at the moment I just feel not much like doing anything let alone sorting money and bills. To be honest I couldn’t give a toot about money at the mo.

What happened today when he came round?

So he came round very polite, rung doorbell! I asked how long he wanted with the kids as I was going out. We agreed a time and he said several times I didn’t need to go out. I stuck to my guns and went out. It was hard but I did it. Came back and my daughter was watching a movie with him and son had gone back upstairs. Before I left he asked if ok to take his Xbox and I said yes. All in all if I am honest I now definitely know there isn’t anyone else as he looked as lost as I did. He took 3 bags of stuff and he must have seen me look at them and he said it’s only clothes as if to say I haven’t taken family stuff. I just said that fine it’s yours. All very amicable the worst part was. My daughter broke her heart when he left

Gosh it was hard but hoping I feel alittle better tomorrow as feel a bit calmer at the moment,

I really think you are handling this so well!!!!

Thanks kettleon! I may want him back but will not look desperate. It hurts like hell but seeing my daughter so so heart broken tonight made me think I need to step up more for the kids sake.

Bloody good on you - honestly I admire your strength 😊

Looking lost means nothing in terms of ow. In fact it can be part of the script. He may be telling you the truth but please be prepared for him to be lying.

Try to detatch from him as much as possible. It will help you, and also help him face the reality of what leaving means. That also means him seeing the DC elsewhere. He can't dip in and out of family life as it suits him. It may seem to be the best for them, but in fact it is confusing them . And you.

Well done. Keep on with the 180 if you’re doing it, fake it til you make it. The children will benefit and you’ll benefit. Doesn’t matter if there’s no ow, it works and you won’t do anything you’ll regret.

Jesus OP. I wish I had an ounce of your calm and dignity. I would have killed him by now. Good luck.

You're doing so well at keeping your dignity? Well done.
I hope things turn around for you and your kids xx

Thanks kettleon, heycarrieanne and mrsmummy90. You kind words mean a lot.
ClaireElizabeth, wow detect from your harsh words that you may have experienced a terrible time at some point. I would say I am not naive and should there be an OW then over! I am doing my best to stay calm and level head whilst breaking inside for my kids.

Gosh just read this thread
I am in awe of your strength and dignity
Huge hugs ❤️

I know exactly what that crushing, twisting, broken feeling is like NatM1. My husband and partner of 16 years walked out 7 months ago in almost exactly the same way.

I wish I had pearls of wisdom for you, but can't add hugely to the very sound advice you've had so far.

I can tell you that it does start to feel different with time. Not better exactly, although the terrible numbing shock does wear off and leave other emotions in it's wake. There are days where you will feel stronger and able to face some of the challenges ahead. Those days will become more frequent, I promise.

A very kind friend told me to just take each day separately. On the days where everything hurts and you can't see a way through, just try and focus your energy on what you and your kids need to get through the next 24 hours. When I was still going through the worst of the pain I found it impossible to plan anything, not even what to have for dinner. We survived by just taking it minute by minute on those days. But we did survive, and so will you and your children.

You are being amazingly brave, and an amazing mum. I know what it's taking you just to get out of bed. One day you will look back on this time and be so fucking proud of getting through it. And so will your kids.

Keep going, be kind to yourself and accept every bit of help going.

Apologies Nat, I have asked for Mumsnet to remove my post, it was not my intention to upset you. You have been incredibly brave in the face of your world turning upside down.

I’m afraid for those who have experience of watching loved ones go through the same, it all is clear when looking in. Of course you don’t want to believe he would cheat, he is the love of your life, your best friend. It’s so hard as he has been the one to sweep the carpet from under your feet and say that he isn’t those things anymore or that you are not those things to him.

You are left judging him by the behaviour of the man you knew as best friend and soulmate. Only he is neither and he is a completely different man than the one you knew as best friend and soulmate. I honestly hope that I am wrong, however your husbands behaviour is showing otherwise.

I hope that you can find your anger and use it to protect yourself and your dc. I hope I haven’t spoken harshly here (I’m going to step away from mumsnet just now- I had awful news tonight and the shock and sweet tea are wearing off now. I am on mumsnet trying to numb my brain from thinking, feeling or worrying but obviously my detached mind has not managed to convey my empathy in words) please don’t think any harshness was meant for you- it was purely for your husband.

OP you are amazing. Ignore his hangdog face.
Ask him to get the rest of his stuff.
When he does want to see the DC's suggest he takes them out and if that's not suitable for the DC's then you go out.
I get the not dressing up bit but maybe a fresh hair cut and just subtley a bit polished.
In fact it might be time to tell him not to come round at all. DC's can meet him elsewhere maybe? Why allow him to torture you?

It probably is another woman. If it was just general unhappiness, or even mid life crisis, you'd have more warning, this would have been a more gradual process.