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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Heart Broken

144 replies

NatM1 · 17/02/2019 14:18

Hi never used this site b fore but needed to talk. Ok so married 18 years nearly two lovely kids 14 and 15. My husband asked to talk yesterday and said he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore. The usual it’s not anything you have done you treat me like a king. There isn’t anyone else. I have just felt like this a few months and can’t continue like this anymore. He said he needed to move out for a week or so to clear his head. I was totally shocked and said what about the kids. He called them down and told them. My daughter is really upset and my son won’t talk to him. So so hard. I still love my husband so much and can’t imagine life without him. I know I am still in shock but really needed to just write it down I suppose. We literally do everything together, kids competitions, holidays . We were still sexually a give although I think looking back it was probably just a need for him. Feel completely blown out of the water and don’t know whether he is just confused got bored with maybe routine or he really doesn’t love me anymore? I understand things change in 18 years but we still seem to get each other, ie jokes, sarcasm etc and although he says he has tried, he bought my underwear etc, I told him I don’t feel special I don’t feel he makes an efffort and that he expects it to all come from me. Any feedback chat would be really good

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Kettleon80 · 17/02/2019 16:12

Ow - other woman

Original poster
NatM1 · 17/02/2019 16:13

Kettleon yes I have put on aloe of weight. Have known for a while I needed to lose it but my sister passed away a year ago and since then nothing has felt the same and I suppose have been lazy. Not blaming myself but as the saying goes maybe I need to love myself more before others do. Although my kids are fantastic

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Original poster
NatM1 · 17/02/2019 16:16

Ow other woman oh ok, understand now.

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Original poster
NatM1 · 17/02/2019 16:17

He has taken one little suit case and work clothes for Monday. He has left most other stuff behind

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CJ357119 · 17/02/2019 16:18

Name dropping someone a lot is sometimes a tell tale sign and her being married doesn’t stop anything. However it might not be that. I think a lot of men do go through these “what’s it all about” moments and question things. It is very often an another woman though

moonfacebaby · 17/02/2019 16:20

It’s the woman he mentions at work...classic mentionitis.

My ex-h did the same - her name was often dropped into conversations. Then the very much scripted -“ I don’t feel the same anymore and haven’t for months “...

I’m sorry, OP....it really does sound like he’s had his head turned and even if it isn’t an affair yet, he’s developed feelings for her. I’ll bet there have been lunches together, coffees etc...

Original poster
NatM1 · 17/02/2019 16:21

CJ agree I have done a bit of name dropping of late purely as he seems to mention this work colleague. When my sister dies suddenly,y last year I did suddenly feel very insecure with life in general a grieve reaction I think I have t one it as much recently.i have geared up for the fact it could be someelse and if so then he can bloody well explain it to his kids.

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Original poster
NatM1 · 17/02/2019 16:27

My good friend is taking me and the kids for some tea, need to get out the house. Will respond to you kind people later, talking it good 🙂

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Sweepingcalamity · 17/02/2019 16:28

Why do men do it like this though?

Any normal person would stay and say they are having difficulties and talk to their partner and try and work with them together. Not just walk out. If he has felt like this for a few months, then why not discuss it then?

I am so sorry op Flowers. It's a really shoddy way for him to behave. Cowardly in fact. Whereas you sound really brave and dignified. Don't be too accommodating to him. You have every right to feel furious.

CJ357119 · 17/02/2019 16:36

Sweeping- I think it is because a lot of people just go with the flow of a mundane life and relationship that actually doesn’t meet their needs but it’s comfortable enough. However let’s face it, life can be dull. Wake up, world, have tea, get a grunt off teenagers who couldn’t care less if you were there or not, watch tv, go to bed....this is life for many people, male and female.

It takes their head being turned to upset the Apple cart because I think they believe that they actually deserve this new life, not the one the have at home. I think men are more likely to do it this way as they won’t talk about their feelings before their head is turned and by then it can be too late.

JK1773 · 17/02/2019 16:40

I’m sorry this has happened to you. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind there is another woman. He may be having an affair (physical or emotional), otherwise he has developed feelings for her. My ex did this. I had absolutely no idea. It wasn’t a hugely long term relationship but he ended it suddenly out of nowhere and never gave an explanation. Lo and behold a few months later he was flaunting her. Turns out he’d met her 3 months before he ended things with me. You might not find out for months but you will learn the truth eventually

Sweepingcalamity · 17/02/2019 16:40

In your shoes I think I would pack up the rest of his stuff and tell him to take it away. Unfair to be half-in and half-out. He can be totally out while he decides. In fact, why is it up to him to decide,. thats not what I meant. You have as much say in this now op. On reflection, you may not want him back after this. Tell him you are not putting up with anything but full commitment. Anyway, don't let him bugger you around with you having to sit and take it. Get the key off him if you can. Get financial and legal advice. Prepare for the worst I'm sorry to say.

I'm really glad to hear you have a good friend supporting you and your DC. I have a 15 yr old DD. What a shitty age for this to happen.

Keep strong Flowers

AldiProsecco · 17/02/2019 16:45

Oh dear, at the very least I suspect feelings for the woman he keeps mentioning. Whether or not he has any small chance with her, perhaps he wants to present himself as a free agent, or even just to say ''I'm not with my wife any more'' so that she doesn't rule him out because he's married. I wonder if she has split up from her husband?

I know they say that men are the most likely to cheat at 39, 49 and 59! than the years leading up to the 9s. Something about the last year of your decade apparently.

I think all you can do is stay strong and focus on projecting your strength outwards. That way, no matter what happens he'll know you're not some weak fall back option. He'll know that you're a woman with the strength to resist the pick me dance and the strength and the faith in yourself to be able to move on.

Sweepingcalamity · 17/02/2019 16:46

Thank you for the explanation CJ. I agree with what you are saying but I still find it baffling and depressing. Surely you owe it to the mother of your DC to treat them with respect, even if you no longer have the same feelings for them. So many men of my acquaintance have done this to my friends who have supported them through thick and thin. They seem to find it so easy to compartmentalise. Despicable.

crappyday2018 · 17/02/2019 16:48

Hi OP, sorry you are going through this. It is a bit strange this has come out of the blue. Has he shown no signs at all that he's not his usual self/not happy? Whether there is another woman or not, you have to find a way through this. First thing is to NOT plead or beg and you have to try and look like you are strong (even just in front of him).
Cut all contact with him unless its about the children.
I'm glad you have friends who can help you through this, use them!
Sending you hugs and strength OP Flowers

Sweepingcalamity · 17/02/2019 16:52

Yes, when this happened to my friend, and if they had to discuss something about the DC, she asked her (now ex) to meet in a mutually agreed public place rather then him coming to the family home (he would turn up at mealtimes fhs). That way she felt less vulnerable and more in control.

AldiProsecco · 17/02/2019 16:53

Obviously respect is due but cognitive dissonance means that a lot of men (and women too but less so I think) cannot grapple with the two truths, ie, I"m ditching my family for novelty that caught my eye. So in order to avoid confronting that they will devalue you to the point where you are not due respect, because they will invent some narrative like you never let them be their true self or you nagged them, controlled them, didn't love them for the right reasons, were too needy, too independent.

Sweepingcalamity · 17/02/2019 16:58

That also makes sense Aldiprosecco sad to say.

Sorry op. I didn't mean to hi-jack your thread.

Fwiw, I really feel for you and your DC. Wishing you huge strength through all of this.

And last but NOT least, I am very sorry for the sudden loss of your sister. Flowers

NameWithChange · 17/02/2019 17:01

What a shock for you. Just awful. I'm so sorry.

It never ceases to amaze me how people can behave so appallingly to the ones they 'love'.

Whatever his reasons are he more than owed it to you to discuss his feelings a long time before dropping a bombshell like this.

Be kind to yourself. Really, you have had a terrible shock and you need to keep your strength up for the children and to just get through the rollercoaster of emotions.

Don't blame yourself for weight gain or anything all all. This 'man' made a marriage and a life with you, you deserve to be treated much better than this.

Keep talking here as much as you need to. There are an army of strong women here who will give you strength and support in the dark moments ahead 💐

CJ357119 · 17/02/2019 17:02

That is very much it Aldi. It’s almost like “I deserve this because I have had to put up with this for so long” even if they have had to completely rewrite the history books to get to that statement. It’s almost giving themselves permission to behave this way. They then compound the deceit by saying they need space, then they “meet someone” within a few weeks, but that is ok because nothing was going on before, “we were just friends”. Further proof to themselves that they are acted honourably.

If it turns out to be this, just make sure you don’t do what so many women do in these situations. Beg and plead and use sex to reward this bad behaviour.

Pinkprincess1978 · 17/02/2019 19:00

I am so sorry to hear this. It must be worse to have something like this come out of the blue. I had a colleague years ago who was in a similar situation, all of a sudden her previously attentive, loving husband said he didn't love her anymore. Agreed to counselling but a week later left. Turns out he had been having an affair. It was a massive shock to her and everyone who knew them. They never saw it coming at all.

I really hope this isn't the case for you as it makes an amicable break up (or successful reconnection) very difficult.

ConfCall · 17/02/2019 19:05

For now, focus on taking care of yourself and DCs.

See a solicitor in the week if you can, protect your interests. Affair or not, the fact that he's told the teenagers indicates that he probably means business. So sorry OP.

Livelovebehappy · 17/02/2019 19:06

He wouldn’t go to the OWs house straight from leaving you. They never do. It would be too obvious and he won’t want to look like the bad guy so will stay with his friend for a month or so then suddenly introduce a ‘new’ relationship. Only she won’t be new; she will have just been waiting for the right time to appear. It will be difficult to move on from this, but you will feel stronger as time moves on. Focus on yourself and the DCs and just take each day as it comes. Sort out your finances and make sure you ask him about maintenance for the DCs. Don’t let him make this about him because it isn’t. He can walk away from you, but he cannot walk away from his responsibilities as a parent.

Original poster
NatM1 · 17/02/2019 19:23

Thank you for all of the lovely comments and meaningful ones too. I agree with some of you in that as the kids have been told this is probably the end. Also he has rung twice since leaving and has also rung the kids too. I do believe that he is struggling with it too, but I am annoyed that he has thought about it himself for ages rather than talking to me. I am truly gutted but by no means silly, I am not going to be a should to lean on or a sex buddy no bloody way! If we do sort it it will be because she loves me not for convenience and if there is another person there will never be a go back as I strongly believe that anyone that is meant to love you wouldn’t put you through that hurt. I suppose I hope that he is having a crisis or bored with general life and realises what he is missing whilst at his friends but I do get this may not be the case

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Original poster
NatM1 · 17/02/2019 19:24

My problem is I am a forward thinker and worry about things I do not need to worry about yet, ie what about the house, don’t want to be on my own when kids get older etc but I need to stop doing that and taking it day by day

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