Heart Broken

[NatM1]

Hi never used this site b fore but needed to talk. Ok so married 18 years nearly two lovely kids 14 and 15. My husband asked to talk yesterday and said he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore. The usual it’s not anything you have done you treat me like a king. There isn’t anyone else. I have just felt like this a few months and can’t continue like this anymore. He said he needed to move out for a week or so to clear his head. I was totally shocked and said what about the kids. He called them down and told them. My daughter is really upset and my son won’t talk to him. So so hard. I still love my husband so much and can’t imagine life without him. I know I am still in shock but really needed to just write it down I suppose. We literally do everything together, kids competitions, holidays . We were still sexually a give although I think looking back it was probably just a need for him. Feel completely blown out of the water and don’t know whether he is just confused got bored with maybe routine or he really doesn’t love me anymore? I understand things change in 18 years but we still seem to get each other, ie jokes, sarcasm etc and although he says he has tried, he bought my underwear etc, I told him I don’t feel special I don’t feel he makes an efffort and that he expects it to all come from me. Any feedback chat would be really good

Sorry @NatM1 Must have been such a shock to hear. Best to expect the worst I suppose. In the long run it may be better to be over quickly if his heart really isn't in it anymore

Namewithchange. Agree trying to think worst case and take each day as it comes for the kids. But gosh does it hurt, can’t believe so many ups and downs in one day, horrible anxious feelings, not knowing what to do with myself, even though he wouldn’t be here at this time of day anyway. Auto pilot one min, crying the next, hot flushes the next, just goes on. Just can’t see the wood through the trees at the mo which is scary. We moved in together in our first place, been together 21 years, had two beautiful kids, so a lot to be thankful for but can’t see ahead of life without him. He even said today it was strange to seeing us too when I said I feel half of me had a been taken away. He said he was so used to call me daily etc that it is odd. I have asked him not to call me tomorrow unless it’s kids related and said you have asked for a break so you need to take that break. That felt awful but I know it’s the right thing to do 😢😢

You honestly need to treat this as over, you have asked and he has told you; I'd not be so sure he's staying with a friend, friends tend to back up each on at these times but whatever, he is definitely not interested in trying to save this whatsoever.

Your emotions are so understandable OP, he has effectively abandoned you all, you need to give up being nice to him tbh, what he has done is bloody awful, he is no friend, you need to now see him as simply someone who let you down in the worst way possible.

That does not abdicate him from being a dad to his children so allow that as much as you want and leave him to it, don't help him!

Honestly, even if you have to fake it, he needs to see you are apathetic now and don't need him!

Stop engaging with him, you are effectively allowing him to go test the grass whilst you are stuck hanging about, you need to stop this now, I mean this kindly OP, he does not have your back.

Adorable 10 thank you for your support. Agree trying so hard today, told him not to ring unless to sort kids out also said when he sees the kids tomorrow at the home I am going out (unless my sons doesn’t want me to, he is taking it badly). He almost sounded a bit miffed about this. I understand I need to get over home etc but so so hard, don’t even know where to start.

Good you said that, well done.
Great you are going out when he's looking after HIS kids.
Thing is everything has been going exactly how he's wanted it, thus giving him total power, it's about time you took back some for yourself and suited you, you need to go forward now as though you are going to be officially separating, seriously, fuck him and his break, it sounds massively suspicious OP, I'd tell him nothing and smile sweetly like you don't give a damn.
(even though you are breaking up inside)

Post on here, we are always here to listen.

Adora10 have you had a similar experience?

No, I haven't OP but I have seen it so many times; it feels raw and it feels heart breaking OP but in time, well who knows, maybe you will reconcile but you won't die without him and you WILL go onto have a happy future without him, even though you think not just now.

Possibly an even better one in fact.

Thanks adora10. Don’t want to go out but trying to show I am strong. Kids know I am breaking as they are older and have been amazing. He is defo at his friends as his car is also still parked in our main car park as he has a work van. Tricky as it is half his house etc and don’t want the kids to suffer because of what’s happening. I will try my best to show I don’t care, but he knows me well enough to know I do. I even said to him today do you really want to throw away 18 years with fighting, doesn’t mean you have to move back in but date nights etc. This may sound needy but I didn’t have anything to lose by asking other than I now know this isn’t likely and it f**king hurts

Hope so adora10 whatever happens I hope I come out stronger. Ie if not with him then happy within myself. If with him maybe stronger to say no and not allow all his way. Honestly if you knew me you would be so surprised at how pathetic I sound on here as I am seen by all as the strong one. I sortthe kids, I control the bills and money, I make the big decisions and I work 3 jobs. But as of Saturday I feel insecure, worthless, scared . When I say I controlled a lot of thing I don’t mean as a controlling person as hubby hates dealing with bills etc and works long hours. I am a soft touch where he is concerned though ie sometime people say he is like a spoilt child getting what he wants ie shopping wise. But he has always been caring, loving, supportive, active with the kids, liked to be one of the gang so to speak when we went on gym competitions for the kids. So odd

Hmmmm... tell him to stop playing games and get his arse home pronto and start making amends, or he can stay there.
He’s acting like my teenager.
Who does he think he is, playing with your lives like that.
Ship up or ship out.

I honestly don't think you are sounding pathetic at all. I think you sound very level headed and strong considering the circumstances. It would be strange if you weren't acknowledging your hurt - it's totally normal to be hurt and say you still love him.

He is being incredibly selfish leaving you in limbo like this.

You need to think - even if he 'decides' to come home - can it really ever be the same? He's broken your trust and that takes a heck of a long time to rebuild.

8fencingwire and kettleon80 thank you means a lot. 8fencingwire from what he said today I don’t think he will th8nk maybe scared himself of sorting a home and misses his kids. Crazy 18 years. Kettleon. Definitely acknowledging them! Coping with them not so well. Took my daughter to gym and since that have been sat for last 1 1/2 on the same spot on the sofa. Feels like my safe spot at the mo

8fencingwire if only I was brave enough to say that! I think he would definitely not come back then as I would have pushed him into a corner. I need to I k ow I am just not sure I am strong/ready yet to do that.

By all means I have told him I will not want to be with someone that doesn’t love me, but I suppose hope he gets a kick of reality and wants to fight. But in all honestly don’t think he would have told he kids if he had plans on coming back

There is no quick or easy fix to this. Even if he came home tomorrow apologising and lavishing you with affection, you will see him in a different light now. This will take a lot of work and resolve to get through this.

If the arsehole wants to go, you will need to put yourself first and be selfish. Let him have his midlife crisis and focus on getting through this with the best possible outcome for you and the kids. Take the time you need to get through the pain.

You need to process this, you ARE coping. Just because you are feeling the hurt it doesn't mean you are not coping...you are being strong by carrying on and looking after yourself DESPITE feeling destroyed. That is strength.

I've been there. I know how it feels.

Thanks kettleon yes agree I think he would also have a lot of making up to do with the kids as well. My daughter is very upset but she is a daddy’s girl and can’t wait to see him tomorrow. My son is so angry that he won’t pick up his calls. My poor boy has his mock exams starting next week and had his braces fitted yesterday so much going on for him. The kids have been amazing and hopefully I will get stronger by the day. I think what hit was yesterday was bad but today even worse rather than slightly better, sorry you went through this. Was it long ago?

NatM, have you had any proper answers from him yet? If not, consider asking him if you can meet to talk e.g a week on Saturday and if yes then please no contact whatsoever until then (him to kids is fine) That will give you chance to see how you feel and formulate your questions.
If he can't say anything helpful at that point, then, as others have said, make the decision for him. He needs to move his things out by date X, agree a schedule of contact with the kids, and when he has proper accommodation this will include overnights too. This is important for him to do his share and also for you to have space to 1. Grieve and 2. Have opportunity to do things for yourself.

You sound like you are coping - feeling the emotions and taking it a step at a time is all you can do in the early stages. X

"if there was someone else surely he would have gone there?"

No because then you'd know and he won't want to look the total "bad guy" to the kids, also she might be married/living with someone too.

"I also asked him if it was a person at his works as he mentions her a lot. His response was no she is married and I mention her as we work together all day and have to communicate"

Known on mn as "mentionitis" and a possible red flag for cheating. Also if it's a work colleague he wouldn't have needed "time" outside of work hours to conduct the affair. Mine did same, always home evenings & weekends - was shagging her at lunchtimes in the proverbial stationery cupboard (just wherever they could find a free room that locked or could be barricaded).

Exs friends & family were completely shocked it was totally out of character.

Heard of the cheaters script? Noticed any of this?

Secretive with phone

Mentionitis ✔️

Adding her to SM

Making time to be with said colleague

Rewriting your relationship history ("I've been unhappy for years I just didn't feel I could say so" - bullshit)

Claiming mh issues

Gaslighting as defence

Turning it back onto you

You also need to protect yourself legally/financially. Do you own or rent? Do you have joint bank accounts? Credit cards? You need to separate yourself financially from him IMMEDIATELY so he's not spending your money on her or running up debt you could be liable for. Also because the SECOND bank thinks there is a hint of possible dispute they'll freeze the accounts.

Are there any direct debits for things that are just his coming out that account? Are you still paying eg for any subscriptions or tv packages of his that you don't use?

Seriously you need to stop paying out for anything that's not your responsibility or for your benefit ASAP.

He is no longer your friend or ally.

Also you weren't at the beginning but you are now starting to do the pick me dance - don't!

You may find this site helpful I've seen it mentioned on here a lot

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

Are you a "friends" watcher? That episode where Janice is caught by Joey cheating on chandler with the husband she was supposed to be divorcing (because he'd cheated on her) chandler starts out sensible but as she leaves he's physically grabbing her legs and ends up with her shoe and says she can't leave cos he has her shoe? That's an illustration of the pick me dance, that's what you're doing - you're better than that and he doesn't deserve to be made to think he's a prize catch! Even IF he's not having an affair he's treated you appallingly!

You are coping very well of course you're hurt but PLEASE sort the finances I don't want you being blindsided

A bit counter to the replies so far, but in the awful state you feel he has taken total control and you are the 'victim'. I know it will be an act as you still love him, but go counter-intuitive. Be unavailable. Dress up and get your makeup on (for your retten, not for him). Be elusive. This not to entice him back, but just for the sheer power of it. Do the things you want to do with your kids- maybe things he didn't do, or want to do. Crazy things. Take a trip. Have a party at your home. Take back control of your life. Wish you all the best. I know how this feels.

Thank you tartantroosers. I have thought of the get dressed thing etc but honestly 1 think it would be really obvious as I dress very casual and 2 not sure I have the eagerly or can be arsed at the moment. Ref crazy things this is a hard one also as generally everything kids and I like we all did those things, parties at new year, themes parks. Kids are very active and hubby went to every single competition and the weekend ones were jollies. He has control at the moment as he is the one taking time out whilst I hold the fort but to be honest I have always been one of these mums that loves doing things with her kids, love holidays from school so we can be together so him not having the, at the moment is not a disadvantage to me it’s actually comforting at the moment

Those of that have been through this, I know it’s early days but just hearing from you lots really helps. How long before these horrible scrunched up feeling go form my tummy, how long before these anxious physical symptoms go? Ie sweating hot flushes. Today seem more at a loss as to what to do with myself because of these than being able to look forward. Mornings see, the worst. After a couple of chats with friends in the day or sorting things out for the kids, I tend to calm a bit and by bed time feel a bit more comfortable and safe. Then bang in the morning wake up and anxious again.

@NatM1 my ex and I went through a similar break up but when we were both honest and cut through all the "love you" crap it was what we both wanted. The final nail in the coffin for me was when I asked him "you say you love me - what do you love about me?". He loved the fact that I'd carried him for the past 20 years. That's it. Nothing about me as a person, as his wife, as the mother of his children. That's when I knew it was over.

It took a long time for me to 'get over' it. In the early days I functioned and focused on selling the house, packing up (we were moving anyway) etc. I became cold and hard and clinical where the divorce was concerned but it was very very hard to stop checking he was OK, to stop worrying that he was missing out on the kids or not eating properly. All unfounded concerns but a nasty habit I had picked up over 20 years

On the plus side, if you do end up going through a divorce as we did, if you are amicable and no-one else is involved it makes things much less complex. My recommendation is that the two of you decide what you want to do, allocation of house, parental responsibility, savings etc then go to a solicitor and tell them to make it happen.

Blobby10. Thank you. He has said he doesn’t love me the way he should. He said I am like a best friend not a lover. This it’s self was hard to hear, but also gutting that he has kept that to himself for months and not said anything. I asked him about money and he isn’t ready to stop his wages going into our joint account, he said nothing to change yet until things are certain. I know I should then take the upper hand and make that call but at the moment I fell too fragile too and trying to get through a day at a time. Kids are devastated. At 14 and 15 they understand more and I hate them seeing me crying but I think in a way the kids and I are going through this together. I worked out that I have been with my husband for more than half my life so I know it’s going to be hard, strange etc but just thought that as each day passes I would feel slightly better, but not in fact worse!

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