Heart Broken

[NatM1]

Hi never used this site b fore but needed to talk. Ok so married 18 years nearly two lovely kids 14 and 15. My husband asked to talk yesterday and said he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore. The usual it’s not anything you have done you treat me like a king. There isn’t anyone else. I have just felt like this a few months and can’t continue like this anymore. He said he needed to move out for a week or so to clear his head. I was totally shocked and said what about the kids. He called them down and told them. My daughter is really upset and my son won’t talk to him. So so hard. I still love my husband so much and can’t imagine life without him. I know I am still in shock but really needed to just write it down I suppose. We literally do everything together, kids competitions, holidays . We were still sexually a give although I think looking back it was probably just a need for him. Feel completely blown out of the water and don’t know whether he is just confused got bored with maybe routine or he really doesn’t love me anymore? I understand things change in 18 years but we still seem to get each other, ie jokes, sarcasm etc and although he says he has tried, he bought my underwear etc, I told him I don’t feel special I don’t feel he makes an efffort and that he expects it to all come from me. Any feedback chat would be really good

I hope you're managing to have a nice dinner with your friend, OP.

Whether it turns out to be another woman or not, this could be a wonderful chance for you to focus on making yourself number one.
Take all of the time and energy you spent on making him feel like a King, and indulge yourself.

Sleep well, eat well, see your friends and only do things that bring you joy.

Know that your life is valuable, and shouldn't be frittered away with someone who's only going through the motions.

Leave him to it for now - FWIW, it sounds like a classic midlife crisis to me.

You've got this

Thanks planting and potting appreciate your kind words. Yes me and the kids had a nice dinner home now though to reality. Kids trying to keep busy so they both have a friend over for a sleepover. Me missing hubby like hell but trying to stay strong and do what is needed. I agree with you I think a crisis or just doesn’t love me, I don’t think there is someone else and that’s me not dreaming it’s just because I think he would tell me if that was the case, but I maybe wrong. I will try and do what makes me happy but to be honest that’s what is so upsetting is I am happy with him and we laugh and joke all the time, this is why it’s all so strange. I feel like a part of me has been taken away. He called at 10am this morning to say he had spoken to the kids and that he was going to his friend and haven’t heard from him since. I am not calling.

The mentionitis of the woman at work, and telling the DC do seem to point to an OW...or the chance of making something happen by being 'single'. He wouldn't tell you at this point, he would be ashamed [you'd hope] and not wanting to take any blame. Sorry OP, I know how awful this is for you. I've been through it all myself, it stinks.

However keep your dignity, don't chase, beg, or contact apart from arrangements to do with the DC. At their ages though maybe dad and DC could arrange to meet up between them, leaving you out of the loop. It would be easier on you. Keep a distance, be cool, no arguing, persuading or chewing it all over with him. Be indifferent.

Take it one day at a time, look after yourself, eat well, rest, see friends, keep busy, walks, new hobby, distract and treat yourself. Do nice things with the DC, plan weekends, days out, a holiday, decorate one room at a time...make a new life.. There will be days when you want to be quiet, grieve, get your finances in order, feel sad...the next day will be different.

Feeling betrayed myself, I am letting go of someone capable of hurting another human so much by being underhand. The stages of loss are denial, anger, depression and acceptance...I'm now in between depression and acceptance. The person I once knew has gone. I really wish you and your DC's well OP, you are being strong and level headed. His loss.

Ah op I'm sorry this has happened to you. I hope you have lots of support around you.

Sorry to mention practicalities but if you're eligible for tax credits they won't back date payments so when you feel up to it start thinking about finances.

Cafe society sorry you have been through this but thanks for being brave and talking about it to me. I got a message from my husbands dads wife (as hubby stYed there last night) and they don’t even understand it. Maybe I am looking for answers that are not there and it is as simple as he doesn’t love me any more, but you would think he would fight alittle

Sorry to hear this, what a shock. My friend went though something similar - her husband did change his mind and come back but after several sessions of marriage counselling she called time on the relationship. The trust had been destroyed by his leaving.
I echo what others have said about getting financial advice, regain a bit of control.
At 41 you are still well young enough to bounce back and move on with your life once you have had chance to grieve. X

Hi Janelle thank you this means a lot. Financially think I will be ok as I also work and control the bills so know what can be done with these. It’s the missing him that is awful. Many have said that he is having an affair on here but honestly don’t think he is. I have hope we can sort it but worry that yes if he does come back I don’t want to be on egg shells worrying about it happening again and as he told the kids I am worried that he has broken their trust. Although he is probably due up with routine I think he feels a bit lost too as he has called the kids again today and me, he said that was to tell me our son didn’t pick up but he chatted a while so not sure on that. It’s hard as we didn’t fall out and I haven’t fallen out of love with him so it hurts so much, I feel really lonely even with a houseful

Indeed - you don't stop loving someone overnight. Not only has this shocking thing happened, but the person you'd normally confide in isn't around to help you through it. Double whammy, I understand that.
He owes you some answers now, it's unfair for you to spend time wracking your brain and playing out scenarios... if he's depressed and having an early midlife crisis he needs to tell you and get himself to the GP. If he does turn out to have some unsavoury news, you need to hear it so you can make an informed decision about what comes next. No more secrets, it's exhausting having to second guess X

Agree janella. I maybe wrong but I am starting to wonder as per our convo we had this morning if he actually knows himself. He knows his feelings have changed but he does t say anything else. I think if there was someone else I would be annoyed but that would be the end for me but I really think he doesn’t know what to do

Yesterday ok afternoon and evening did usual duties with kids, then had tea and watched a movie together. Got up this morning boom hubby calls wants to see kids, sorted this out. Glad he wants to see them heart broken he hasn’t even suggested talking to me. Feel left hanging don’t know what to do

In the kindest way OP please stop pandering to him; he abandoned you and his kids, the fact he told them signifies he means it and is not coming back; as has been said, he is probably testing the water and keeping his feet half in just in case it all goes tits up, he has a comfortable life he can return to.

Honestly, these men are pathetic, walk out on all their responsibility and sorry, but women calling it a mid life crisis etc, is just an excuse as to believe their husband is a cold hearted selfish bastard is just too much to bear but that is what he is and you need to find your anger, keep composed, talk only of child arrangements and appear aloof now, stop hanging, he isn't, he's already got his new life off to a start.

And yes, I would also suspect OW, or at the very least he is playing the field, he doesn't have to meet anyone, it can all be conducted online.

Sorry to sound harsh but it's time to treat him with the same disinterest he is showing you.

Ok @NatM1 you need to take back control. He had blindsided you and you are in shock. Find your most organised friend in RL, get her around to your house when DC are out. Get a plan together. See a solicitor, get your finances together etc - I’m not au fair with all this but hopefully you have a level headed friend who can help you with this. Get someone who will remove all the emotion from the situation, not someone who will listen to you cry over s bottle of wine. That can come later. He has had loads of time to plan this. You need to catch up.

When all that is done, you need to meet him on neutral ground and get answers. Have a written list. You need to know if it is a mid life crisis, depression, another woman, just reaching the end of the line with the life you have. Maybe there is nothing left to save, but you deserve to know that.

Also, you might not be able to go back even if you want to - and that’s ok too.

Wising you strength and good friends OP.

Annasgirl thank you appreciate your words. The real pain is hubby seems to have thought about his feelings for a while but where the finances are concerned he isn’t bothered. He isn’t wanting to stop his wages going into our acc or anything like that at this point. That’s what I mean by hanging. The reality is starting to kick in that he is maybe kindly saying that’s it but a bit confused? I am trying to take one day at a time but the call this morning as completely thrown me my worst day so far since sat I think 😢

He will likely change on the finances question soon. Make sure you are keeping something in physical cash so you don't get left high and dry.

I also vote affair.

It's strange that he told the kids already. This has been coming a long time imo. Maybe the January holiday was in his mind, a last ditch attempt to see if he could get his feelings back for you. It's a massive shame that he didn't share his feelings with you but I can't imagine that's an easy thing to do. Also he may be attracted to his colleague even if nothing has happened.

Regardless, don't pander to him. Make sure that whilst he's feeling guilty you get what you need financially and practically. He's got to see what he's given up too so come up with a schedule and stick to it.

Misti you make perfect sense and yes he did say that he has been feeling this a while and hoed that the holiday would help . He said he had a fan time on holiday but didn’t feel different. Yes wish he had spoken to me about it. I also just feel in limbo, today is by far the worst day. I think the relation I need to prepare for the worst has hit and omg does it hurt.

Money wise I am quite savvy and have money cash .

Has he been and gone OP?

Hugs to you this really isn't fair on you.

He left sat evening haven’t seen him since, coming to see kids Thursday so I plan to go out

I'd not waste time and start arranging when he has his children (without your help), I'd also be asking when he is taking the rest of his stuff as if he has moved out he moves it all out.

Why are you watching movies with him, keeping him company, let him step up and be a dad without your support; he choose to leave his family, let him work out the practicalities.

Good you are going out, it all seems like everything is lovely and smooth for him right now.

I haven’t watched movies with him. That was with the kids. I haven’t seen him since he left. Only had phone contact. That’s when he has called I haven’t called him.

OP, I read watched a movie together, not really sure what else that means.

I know you don't want to believe it but do you honestly think he is going to turn around and say yeah I am seeing someone or chatting to someone online, and who is this friend he is staying with, it all sounds very strange but that it's been in the planning for a long time.

I know you are hurt and upset but you need to be strong here and show him you can survive without him.

Hope you are ok.

I do think the bottom line here is he owes you an explanation fast.

At the moment he is playing this all his own way with no consideration for you or the kids. He is keeping his options open and that is not on.

NatM1 I am so sorry you are going through this.

I was in a very simillar place, exact same line spun to me about not feeling the same about me, there was no one else etc etc, but it has now came to light 10 mths later that he did cheat and then took the tart over to the UK (they met while he worked abroad) without even bothering to tell me. I obviously don’t know your husband but it does sound very much like a similar situation. I feel the same as you, I feel so bad for my kids too, mine are much younger which I don’t know if that’s better or worse for them.

Some people are just beyond selfish. I know I don’t want to be with my husband but the logistics of untangling our lives is so daunting, I don’t know where to start.

I really hope you get to the bottom of what’s going on. Now I know there is someone else at least I am clear that we are over, although I feel rubbish and overwhelmed, it has given me some of the closure I needed x x

Sjames sorry you are going through similar. Today when hubby called I was brave and asked how he was feeling after a few days away. He said no different and if he was to make a decision today it would be over but still needs time away! Boom yep I know the shock everyone was waiting for. Kids are gutted. I asked about money he said he has left it so his wages still go into our account to pay bills. Then whatever is left to split as he will need to pay some keep to his friend. I know his friend so know he is not lying about staying there. He basically said he feels like I am his best friend rather than a lover. I said well after 18 years of marriage are you willing to give up your best friend and family without trying. No answer. I suggested marriage councilling no answer. He basically said if things don’t change at his end emotionally then we need to talk and discuss things further. I am now going to look at worst case that this is it, but gosh does it hurt feel like half of me has disappeared, all crunched up inside, anxious shaky and it goes on. I normally do everything for my kids and are used to being on my own during the day but at the moment I hate it! Feel lost. It’s half term so have encouraged my kids to still go out with their friends but omg I hate the not being there is that wrong?