Heartbroken

[hemcurt]

My twins are nearly 1 and I'm disappointed with my parents. They've not stepped up and I am heartbroken. I ask them to babysit once in a while and they do but it's always like it's too much effort/tinged with - but don't be late (I would never ever take the piss- quite the opposite) but they make me feel like I would take the piss - like it's all too much.

Maybe they are intimidated by twins and aren't confidence but I'm sorry I was petrified when I found out I was going to be a first time parent to twins. I have no patience for my parents (who are supposed to be older, wiser and more confident than me) to say that they are scared - it's cowardly.

On here if you suck it up go through a hard life all by yourself you are amazing and deserve help. I thought nobody deserved anything?

drogon

Was there any need to call the OP names.?!

I'm disappointed with my parents

They've not stepped up

I have no patience for my parents... to say that they are scared - it's cowardly.

The responses you have got is entirely due to what you have said; the language you have used and the way in which you have chosen to express yourself.

It's very revealing.

I am
Being a bit silly but its only
Because i'm really fed up of how some people talk on here. "Im sorry but nobody is entitled to help. Your kids etc." Do you say the same to disabled people? Im sorry , your disability. Youre not entitled to help.

Im not comparing myself to someone with a disability im just saying i need an extra pair of hands and im struggling.

Mums should be encouraged to look after themselves in my opinion! There should be more of it! And less suck it ups!!!

Yes Drogan - is there any need to be nasty?!

On here if you suck it up go through a hard life all by yourself you are amazing and deserve help. I thought nobody deserved anything?

Are you stamping your foot as you type?

Honestly, you will get a far more sympathetic response if you conduct yourself more civilly.

You will still get people telling you that you should appreciate what you have got and that you don't know how lucky you are (both of which I'm inclined to agree with) but more people will try and see your side of it.

The fact you have got so many people's backs up really should be telling you something.

The way you responded to people on here was, frankly, appalling.

Difficult to read op....neither of my parents or any of my family help in any way whatsoever - never have. My father hasn’t even met one of my daughters as it’s too much trouble to travel 20 minutes.

Both parents live 20 mins away. It hurts that they never call to see how they (or I) are doing. I’ve stopped calling them now as they clearly don’t care about my life so needn’t expect anything from me. It’s been such a struggle and I feel jealous and sad when friends moan that their parents/in-laws ‘only’ do such and such. Be grateful for what you have i say, it’s more than most

im just saying i need an extra pair of hands and im struggling.

Actually, that's nothing like what you said. Had you actually said that, you might have found the responses to be more sympathetic and helpful.

Although, the points made would still have been the same - they are your babies and your responsibility. No one else's.

There is nothing for anyone else to 'step up' to.

Having fully read the thread....op, your attitude is terrible. Yes, it’s hard with children, and no, not unreasonable to think parents would do something to help....but yours are helping you. It’s not what you expected but still more than others have. They could say no and then you’d really have nothing unless your in-laws also help in some capacity?

OP I get where you're coming from, unfortunately your delivery sucks.
I've got just the 1 9mo DS and suffered with PND quite badly during maternity leave, I'm not sure how I would have coped without the support of my PIL and DM, so anyone that can raise twins without much support is a hero in my eyes.
However, while I realise I was lucky with the support I was offered, I never felt that I was entitled to it, I would never have demanded anything or thought them cowardly if they didn't want to help. At the end of the day it's my baby. When I was struggling I went to the GP and HV for help, have you considered that?
I'm sure you're doing the best you can, and seriously well done for raising twins as it must be bloody hard, but maybe rethink how you go about expressing yourself as you do come across entitled

Before I had children my mum used to say 'when are you going to have them'. I'd love you to have babies etc. Then when I did have a baby she didn't seem to be quite as involved and supporting as she kind of said she would. My dad even less interested. Actually MIL was the most helpful and supportive ( although really irritatingly nit picky at times) I was disappointed really. It wasn't so much that they would do stuff for me but less kid friendly than I expected. However having said that my Mum has come in to her own over time and has built a really wonderful relationship with my kids particularly the youngest.

I think you are knackered, I have a friend with twins who told me the early years were indescribably exhausting. Its possible your parents don't feel confident with little children, it's been a long time for them. Get yourself some extra help of some kind if you can afford it. If you have an OH he will need to help you. Do the bedtime routine etc.

I think you've had some very judgmental replies.

Actually yes I have twins. And 2 other children. I still stand by my original comment

I have 3 children, eldest is 14 (ASD and mentally about 7 years old) I can count on one hand in 14 years my parents or in laws have looked after my children. It was my choice to have them though and I don't just expect it. Yes everyone deserves a break but unfortunately it just doesn't happen for everyone. Your parents might not want to help but if your in laws do then bite their hand off. I've just got to the point now where in 20 years I'll be able to look back and know we did it ourselves with no help from anyone. If the time comes and I get to be a grandma though you can bet I'll be banging their door down for some time with them!

You don't sound heartbroken. You sound angry. I imagine your life has changed beyond measure over the last year and you are struggling to keep up and retain your self.

But if you want help you are a) going to approach your parents differently, short babysitting for a haircut or shopping trip for example as they get the hang of it they may we'll offer more AND b) investigate non family babysitters - it will leave you feeling more in control.

As your children grow up your parents may feel more able to offer more help. Don't shut the door on them. And if you continue to feel angry it's worth investigating whether you might have PND. (I had PND and was terribly angry until I faced it and got treatment).

OP I get where you're coming from, unfortunately your delivery sucks

This really, my parents have been great as grandparents and I know they do it for me to make my life easier as well as for the kids. I’d have been quite hurt and upset if they hadn’t - yes they’d raised their family blah blah but I’m only here because of them after all so it’s nice to offer support. I’d probably feel cheesed off too if it felt any help they did give was grudged.

Twins must be daunting though but it’ll hopefully get a bit less so as they get bigger. Saying they are “cowardly” is unfair.

OP the children's father is the one who needs to be stepping up to help you. Where is he?

Also agree about seeing your GP with regards to PND. Are there any twins support groups around you could join? You might be able to swap a couple of hours to get a bit of free time.

You have your DPs and PILs prepared to babysit (okay within limits in your parents' case). Yes, twins will be hard work, but you have a pretty good deal really.

DH and I have 2 adopted DDs of 9 and 6, and DD1 has SN. Both Grandads are dead (my F was abusive so no loss), my DM spends 3 months a year in Africa and we're low contact anyway, and my MIL has had 2 hip replacements and 1 knee replacement and lives a 3 hour drive away. My DSis and DBIL live a long way away with their family and my DH's DB and SIL live near my MIL.

We do have friends who babysit occasionally and I'm happy with that. My point, OP, is that a lot of us don't have family support so have to get on with it. You're complaining when you have support from both sets of GPs. That's why it isn't going down well on here.

Sorry to hear that you're frazzled, OP.

Obviously the need for more willing babysitters and the need for help with a disability are incomparable.

You say you're not coping, and that's valid.

I also get that right now it's unhelpful to hear about worse off people managing just fine.

Your parents aren't falling over themselves to babysit and that really is their prerogative. It's not what you hoped for, but it doesn't make them cowardly.

Listen to the PPs who have mentioned alternative support channels.

I do understand how you feel . I love to look after my grandchildren even though it is hard work sometimes. It’s just quite sad really .

OP, I think you need serious genuine help.
You don't sound well at all. You sound overly angry for the situation, your comparisons and posts don't make any sense and you're being extremely rude to anyone who doesn't completely agree with you or is trying to empathise with you. I think you're coming across as angry and entitled when you're just desperate for help though.

I was a single parent to a disabled child, looking after him was more like looking after about 15 children. I reached absolute breaking point and had a total breakdown.

Before that happens to you I recommend you talk to some people. The GP, your parents (explain how much you are struggling) and your partner. Perhaps he could look after the twins so you could pop out and have a coffee in peace for an hour.

Op you have twins! I would have not coped with twins as one was difficult for me! So I completely understand why you might be upset and angry that you are not getting the help you need. You do deserve help from family and friends at this time in your life as you are having a hard time.

Your parents may genuinely be struggling with helping as twins are twice the work and they may feel overwhelmed. Sometime older people have less energy and less ability to be flexible.

Are you able to spend time at their house and have them help you care for your babies while you are there? They might be happier to do this and it might help you just having your parents around as company. They can chat and make you tea and you can play with the twins altogether. Would this help?

Having twins is one of the most difficult things ever! Mine are now 15 but I remember it so well. I would not have coped without both families helping.
Op you seem very reactionary, I can see your hurt and frustration through this.
Make sure you let the people know that do help you how much you value it. We can’t force others to help us, so sometimes it’s better to let it go. But I do get how you are upset x

I'm sorry you're feeling so low, but you're really being unfair.

I'm a mum of twins although they are 10 now. It's hard. My parents live 200 miles away so only very occasional babysitting and I don't think they did for more than 2 hours before they were two or three. In laws weren't an option either. We also couldn't find a babysitter to pay even.

It's not fair for you to find it hard but not expect them to find it hard. Even if your in laws have stepped up.