Debt and my husband have fucked our future

[Smidgen15]

Hi All

Im heartbroken

I found out this morning that my husband had 4 secret credit cards....
I knew of some debt but not any of this.

We are supposed to be starting IVF (for a sibling for my DS) in 2weeks.

I feel robbed of potentially owning a house, my son has been robbed of a sibling.

I cant eat or sleep. Im mess

I wouldn't cancel ivf for this.
It's an extra 7k you didn't know about? But you were going to put 2.5k on cc for ivf?
You earn 56k?
If he refinanced last year, then his credit rating isn't shot. It's under control, no late payments?
I would try to refinance again, remortgage, or juggle the credit cards again with balance transfers.
FWIW, I know lots of people who juggle for years like this. I did it for a long time

I think that you both have been a bit naive. However, what you have to do now is solve the problem. Finding fault isn't going to make your financial problems better.

Most people I know with sizable debts get into trouble sooner or later, just like you. People think that it's normal to have a managable debt. It's not. Any debt (besides mortgage because you pay it instead of rent) is spending money that you did not have. You have to change your mindset to a financial healthy one. If you don't have the money, you don't spend any unless absolutely essential. Not even on an ice cream!

So that means only food, water, taxes, electric and things like that. New shoes for a growing child are essential because you don't want to create health problems but the rest can go. Second hand clothes only if really needed. You and your husband can probably just wear your old clothes for a few years, they dob't have to be fashionable. Only presents at christmas and birthday for your DC and ask the grandparents to buy them. Otherwise the simple something you want (not too expensive), something you need, something to wear and something to read will be more than enough. Days out should be a self made picknick and a walk in a forest, in the summer a play at the beach (bring your own food and drink), doing something creative or baking cookies together. Get creative.

You need to live like this till you have cleared all debt and ideally have three months of savings. After that relax a little but start a savings fund for university. Never ever have a credit card or debt ever again.

The only thing standing between now and a financial healthy future is you (plural). It sounds daunting but the time will pass anyway. Take this plan and just do it. When you look back it will have gone quicker than you thought.

Akso, at 55 and lousy with money you might want to check what you DH's pension plan is. You don't want another financial surprise in 12 years time discovering that all of you live on your wages.

It sounds like you are both on decent incomes. Have you written down all of your spending and reviewed it honestly (include things like takeaways and coffees etc). Anything that’s not necessity needs to go. Sky, fancy phone contacts anything like that can go towards the payments.

He has always made minimum payments you say? That’s great it means his credit won’t be completely ruined! Sign up for credit club which is free and have a look if there are any consolidation options available.

I ran up £14k of debt 2 years ago, pay £800 rent and there’s £4K left of it now and I’m on £24k a year. It seems like a daunting amount but it’s doable, you have the benefit of two incomes too.

The fact is that your husband has nothing prepared for his retirement in ten years, has taken on a massive debt by spending money on spoiling himself, and is now thinking of having a child. He is massively irresponsible.

You are on an average wage and seem to have thought you could eat out and have takeaways all the time. Why would you think that? You complain that your son doesn't have a bed - you have eaten the fucking bed!

With this much debt and your dh being 55 I think it would bonkers to get into debt for pay more treatment. As I said I only have one child - not by choice - and dh and I paid for all our ivf btw as we were living abroad.

I think you should be happy for what you have. I didn’t realise your dhs age when I posted upthread. He is of an age where he’s more likely to have strokes, heart attacks etc then it will be you servicing the debt on less than half the income. It would be different were you financially secure.

Time to start grieving the baby you will never have imo.

Getting angry with your dh and blaming him is going to do no good. You know he has a history of racking up debts and you didn’t keep an eye on this. That doesn’t make you all to blame nor him as he is an adult. But not accepting any responsibility telling yourself it’s his fault will do nothing but add to your stress.

Maybe - we need to cars, as school isnt walking distance and work is 7 miles away.

One of you can cycle the 7 miles. Besides, if you work days and he works nights surely you can either bring him (with bicycle) or pick him up?

And with bringing him with the bicycle I means that you take the cycle by car. Actually scrap that, find your inner Dutchie and cycle both ways.

Goon the money saving expert forums, there's lots of people over there with much bigger debts that are maki g huge inroads.

You need to keep a diary and write down what you spend - a few cheaper meals aweek can make a big difference,

The key here is getting the interest frozen so all your repayments are reducing the debt instead of paying interest.

Are there no buses you can get to school or work? I haven’t driven for 10 years and I can still get most places with my monthly bus pass

"taken on a massive debt by spending money on spoiling himself"

He's bought a drone and op reckons he's been spending about £50pm on eBay. Not necessary perhaps, but hardly spoiling.

The debt has been racked up due to consistent family overspending. OP says they waste money on the weekends and will sometimes eat out on both days. It's been made worse by op taking a lower paid job, and her dh losing £700pm overtime, at least one previous attempt at IVF that was financed by credit cards.

He was wrong to keep the extent of the debt from op but I can't see how household outgoings, family spending, IVF etc falls entirely on his head.

CloudyTuesday it needs to be looked at in the round. It's obviously not wise to buy an expensive drone when you are deeply in debt, and of course people will fixate on something like that. (I honestly can't imagine why anyone would think they need this or can justify the expense.)

They also need to stop unnecessary spending as a family. It's not one or the other.

OP, you've had a shock. You've discovered a debt that has thrown your life plan into disarray. I'm not surprised that you're feeling dramatic, confused and blamed. I feel great sympathy for you

But honestly, there's some fantastic advice on this thread. Please don't get defensive and ignore good advice. Get some sleep and then some fresh air. Then get out a notepad and go through this thread again and jot down all the tips you think you can tackle. Some of them will be hard. But you're going to have to make decisions about your future and work out how to achieve your ambitions. You can't rely on your DH to solve this. It's time to take control.

Good luck.

Worth looking into PPI, my friend got 3.5K back from years ago (when interest rates were 10-12% era)

If you get your debt under £20k you could apply for a debt relief order? This stays on your credit record for 6 years but wipes the debt after 12 months assuming your circumstances haven’t drastically improved for some reason in that 12 months.

Yaxalot - you first paragraph is shockingly insensitive that i cant even bring myself to read the remainder.....

I don’t think a debt relief order would be allowed - £50k + earnings would easily service a debt of £20k (and tbh, it would be pretty immoral to apply to have debt written off that was incurred by overspending on takeaways etc when you could pay it off). Similarly, you will not be allowed to declare bankruptcy with that income to debt ratio.

There used to be a blog called Frugal Queen by a woman, who, with her DH, got rid of over £40k of debt in less than 2 years - I think the blog was taken down, which is a shame because it was quite inspiring, but they cut all expenditure to the absolute bone, looked on the debt reduction as a challenge and an investment in their future.

Yes I agree yaxalot was below the belt there.

I have also worked out what can be cancelled, and if we got another loan of 21k answer consolidated, we could afford the repayments with his basic earnings.

I suppose this would be a better option than a DMP?

I agree Smidgen - shockingly insensitive and cruel.
I don't have any answers to your dilemma - my head says focus on the life you have now and on reducing the debt. My heart says go for the IVF and take a chance. Good luck with whatever you decide is best for you.

yaxalot what the fuck is wrong with you ?

Dmp would be better than another loan. Just make sure you use a non fee paying organisation like Stepchange.

diplodocusinermine having an income of 50k would not be a bar to a bankruptcy order, but the applicant would in all likelihood have an income payment order or agreement against them.

My ex dh did the same. He was infatuated with a woman and was leading a double life supporting her.