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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH says if I go home he will marry someone else

658 replies

Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 06:35

This sounds like it’s made up, I wish it was! Have namechanged too btw.

My head is all over the place so please bear with me!
I am currently a few weeks pregnant and want to have the baby in the UK. We (me and 5 year old daughter) moved to a country outside of the UK in June and have not settled in well at all. DH has been here on and off for 3 years and we have made do with visits etc. DH doesn’t agree to me leaving and having the baby in the UK, he said if we leave he will marry someone else as he doesn’t want to go back to the UK. I have booked flights to go home soon and he said I’m making the biggest mistake of my life, I don’t care about our children if I take them back to the UK etc.

I don’t know what I’m posting for I just don’t have anyone in real life to talk to as I’m so embarrassed that he he would say he’ll marry someone else (I’ve no doubts he will do this and is not just making empty threats) this country allows polygamy. I will basically be going home to my parents house with nothing and don’t know what I’m going to do Sad

OP posts:
Blahdeblahbahhhhh · 13/02/2019 09:43

Changedforthis
I don't know enough about the visa to advise if you can leave without it being cancelled, but it sounds like you can, so really no good reason to make it obvious to your husband you don't plan to return.

Once in the UK there will be a way of re-establishing your residency here and places like women's aid may have links to solicitors who will do some free help for you.

As a British citizen with two small children you will be able to get support. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

omarlarge · 13/02/2019 09:43

OP, if you only moved out of the UK in June, you may be OK re: benefits etc. as I think you have a good basis for being classed as an ordinary resident of UK.

AnoukSpirit · 13/02/2019 09:43

Priority is getting out of the country, everything else is secondary and can be sorted later. Unless you're looking for excuses.

You've recognised you're being naive and controlled. Act on that.

He threatened to marry someone else to stop you leaving. You really think he'll calmly hug you all goodbye and just let you go? He won't.

Also, did you post on here about not wanting to go out there before moving?

pinkmirror · 13/02/2019 09:43

Nobody that loves you will threaten you, blackmail you, and worse tell you they’ll quickly meet and marry someone new.
Go back to the uk and set up a new life.
I know that’s so easy for someone to type here but really your dh does not sound like the type of man you won’t be kicking yourself for staying with in the next few years.
Anyone that can threaten running off with someone else will probably live up to that threat at some point. Think about it, if he left with your dc would you just sit there and sulk?

Snipples · 13/02/2019 09:44

OP - BMD will be a good resource for you. I think just let the visas cancel after you're out of the country. Re benefits, I don't know the impact residency in the UAE would have but I expect that there will be a waiting period before benefits would be granted in any event and this could well tie in with the visa cancellation date. It's too risky to cancel first Incase he takes the passports. The you.gov website in the UK can probably give some advice or poss call uk citizens advice although I'm not sure they'll have a great deal of experience with the immigration angle.

Spring - yes that's my point so perhaps you can understand why I found your "unhelpful" jab a bit unnecessary. Let's leave it there.

Springwalk · 13/02/2019 09:44

You will get all the help you need once you are home. We can set up a crowd fund if benefits become an issue.

shpoot · 13/02/2019 09:45

I can't really understand why you're not halfway to the airport. I know you are sad but there is a chance he is intending to keep your child and stop you leaving.

Of course he cheated in those 3 years apart. He looks on dating sites etc?!

Just get the child and go. Or risk it all for a hug with her dad that she can have anytime. He's wealthy. He can fly to the uk any day of the week

Genevieva · 13/02/2019 09:45

UK benefits are dependent on actual residency in the UK, not pieces of paper from other countries. They don't know or care what your visa arrangements in the Middle East are.

Maximum upside of this visa cancellation is you save small amount of money. Maximum downside is never seeing your home again and being stuck in a bigamous marriage in a country you don't want to live in.

lljkk · 13/02/2019 09:47

Oh well, OP. Let us know what happens!

Genevieva · 13/02/2019 09:47

There would be no waiting period. You arrived n the UK. You register at your parents' GP surgery. You put in a school application and then you apply for benefits. It isn't hard. No one is going to through you out of your home country and say 'go back to where you have a visa'.

GummyGoddess · 13/02/2019 09:48

You say he won't keep your daughter as he can't with his work and socialising. He can if he gets another wife. Just think about that.

Do not give the passports to him. Get your family to book the next flight and leave. Go and wait at the airport if necessary.

Racecardriver · 13/02/2019 09:48

Honestly you need to go. You need to understand what could happen to your DD if you stay. Do you want her to see her mother being abused? Do you want her to see her father marry a second wife? And a third? And a fourth? These are things that are likely to happen. He is already actively looking for a second wife. Don’t expose your child to that. You don’t owe him anything. If he lives his DD then he will come to Britain to see her. Agree with pp. if you have any way to get tickets for the next flight to anywhere do so before he stops you from leaving. If not then lie and say you are coming back. You and your DD are very vulnerable where you are. You need to get out. Please keep posting so that we know you are ok.

lovefriday · 13/02/2019 09:48

Be safe OP.

Original poster
Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 09:48

No Anouk I've not posted about this before.

I am going to tell him not to cancel the visa and let me go for a few weeks to get my head together. We haven't spoken properly for a few weeks because of this so I think he may welcome the idea if he thinks I'm coming back. I haven't told him I don't want us to be together so he still thinks I want us to be, in fact I keep asking him to reconsider marrying someone if I leave (idiot I am I know) and to come back home with us.

OP posts:
Thindragon · 13/02/2019 09:48

Sort it out when you get to the UK. It is better to live off family/friends for 6 months than be imprisoned for the rest of your life. Please go. Go now. I'd book you a sodding flight myself.

PrimalLass · 13/02/2019 09:49

Just go. And take the keys for that house he owns.

Thindragon · 13/02/2019 09:50

good idea on not cancelling visa. Keep strong. Pack documents secretly. Book flight asap. Get kit from school. Go. Just one step at a time.

Original poster
Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 09:50

I will definitely keep posting although will be hard when daughter is home from school/him from work

OP posts:
AuntieFesterAdams · 13/02/2019 09:50

A woman in Australia was married to a fellow Australian of Lebanese origin. They had kids. moved to Lebanon for 'an adventure'. He became a full on Muslim, took kids away and cancelled her visa.
She is now back in Aus, no kids and a TV prog (60 minutes) tried to rescue her kids. Crew were caught in the act. She and crew were imprisoned.

ME countries tend not to give women ANY rights. Please do not trust your H.

Thindragon · 13/02/2019 09:50

kid* from school

PrimalLass · 13/02/2019 09:50

Tell him you need to go back and get booked in with a midwife.

LondonBelongsToMe · 13/02/2019 09:51

your delay so he can hug his daughter makes me think this can't possibly be real or that you lack any sense of the urgency.

And when you get here, petition for divorce in the UK very quickly so you get UK jurisdiction before he pulls some sharia stunt, because the assets are in the UK.

flamingofridays · 13/02/2019 09:51

sorry if this is a really ignorant question, but is your marriage legal in the UK? (you mentioned you married wherever it is you are now)

if it is... the house in the UK isn't his house, its owned by both of you. You wont be left with nothing.

Amongstthestars · 13/02/2019 09:51

Don’t give him your passports. He doesn’t need to cancel the visas. He could very well be playing a game with you and cancel yours, but not your DD’s. Then you’re deported and your daughter stays.

He sounds like a nasty, manipulative man. You need to play the game till you’re well away. And please create a paper trail of him agreeing to your taking your daughter home.

I lived overseas for years and witnessed a situation where a divorcing mother and children were legally forced/brought back to a foreign country by a spiteful spouse. She couldn’t legally work there and the family was dependent on charity, as the asshole guy wouldn’t pay for anything!! It was really sad.

crosspelican · 13/02/2019 09:51

Changedforthis000 Do you have someone at home who can buy you the flight back for you and your daughter if, hypothetically, you decided to leave tomorrow?

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