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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH says if I go home he will marry someone else

658 replies

Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 06:35

This sounds like it’s made up, I wish it was! Have namechanged too btw.

My head is all over the place so please bear with me!
I am currently a few weeks pregnant and want to have the baby in the UK. We (me and 5 year old daughter) moved to a country outside of the UK in June and have not settled in well at all. DH has been here on and off for 3 years and we have made do with visits etc. DH doesn’t agree to me leaving and having the baby in the UK, he said if we leave he will marry someone else as he doesn’t want to go back to the UK. I have booked flights to go home soon and he said I’m making the biggest mistake of my life, I don’t care about our children if I take them back to the UK etc.

I don’t know what I’m posting for I just don’t have anyone in real life to talk to as I’m so embarrassed that he he would say he’ll marry someone else (I’ve no doubts he will do this and is not just making empty threats) this country allows polygamy. I will basically be going home to my parents house with nothing and don’t know what I’m going to do Sad

OP posts:
blueshoes · 13/02/2019 15:13

Still, I doubt he would stop us from going tbh it's too much like hard work for him

I like the sound of that. Hopefully, he will drop the visa appointment tomorrow since he has already made his threat and it is too much hard work to follow through. Presumably, he can cancel the visa any time anyway.

blueshoes · 13/02/2019 15:13

I hope he is not a techy person.

Original poster
Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 15:15

@blueshoes there is no appointment for the visa cancellation the appointment is for the hospital. The visa he said he will just go into the typing centre and do it tomorrow

OP posts:
Original poster
Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 15:18

Right I have to go colour in and watch life in the dream house. I will update when I can, probably tomorrow now. Thank you all, I definitely won't leave this as one of those threads you never know the ending to!

OP posts:
Original poster
Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 15:27

@IDoN0tCare I don't think there's any way of me getting a phone with a sim without him finding out

OP posts:
SubisYodrethwhenLarping · 13/02/2019 15:31

Is your British passport in your married name or in your maiden name?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 13/02/2019 15:34

He's home now but has gone straight to bed on his phone I guess.

Is that normal for him?

Topseyt · 13/02/2019 15:48

I would hope that it wouldn't matter if your British passport is in your married name. You have no legal obligation to change your name upon marriage. Just make sure that the names on the airline tickets matche the ones on your passports.

JingsMahBucket · 13/02/2019 16:06

@Changedforthis000 Wed 13-Feb-19 15:27:14
@IDoN0tCare I don't think there's any way of me getting a phone with a sim without him finding out

Did you see what I wrote before? Is it possible to buy a burner phone with your UK credit card and put a different SIM in there?

IDoN0tCare · 13/02/2019 16:12

Can the other person that you told, get you a phone?

Original poster
Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 16:13

@JingsMahBucket I completely missed your post sorry. My UK sim doesn't work here so can't use that. It's just a payg one that I swap in my phone when I go home. I have no computer only a phone and IPad that I don't use, dd plays games on it sometimes that's it it isn't linked to anything. I have sent copies of docs to my mums email address that she doesn't use but I know the password as I set it up.

OP posts:
Betaboo · 13/02/2019 17:41

I also saw your anonymous post on BMD and can feel the worry and stress in your tone. Like everyone else says, it is probably better to err on the side of caution and consider the possibility of worst case scenario, i.e. him putting a travel ban on your daughter..

Considering he is prepared to invoke his Muslim rights to polygamy, then he may also be prepared to invoke his Muslim rights to his children and force you to stay in the UAE.

He does not want you to return to the UK, he knows you will never abandon your children so he is not going to be concerned about being left alone to 'deal' with the kids, because he knows you will never leave your daughter. If he puts a travel ban on her, she will never be allowed leave the UAE without his approval. Therefore by putting a ban on your child, you will be stuck there in a country you don't particularly like and without any family or support and unable to start a new life until your youngest child turns 18. Along the way he may well take a second wife and have a second family

There is another FB group in the UAE for single Mums, you will probably find there are Mums in that group, who have found themselves in a situation where they cannot leave because of their children. I do know there are some excellent lawyers who advise people in those situations. BMD can surely direct you to that group.

From what I understand the British Embassy rarely get involved in British / Muslim family situations in the ME, so I don't think they would be much help.

Good luck with your next steps, but as others have said be very careful about the visa cancellation and your passports..

Frazzled2207 · 13/02/2019 18:41

Hi op.
Again I think you should not cancel the visas just say you want to go home for a bit and want to consider coming back again once you've got your head together.
Then quietly leave next week and never, ever go back.

Springwalk · 13/02/2019 19:10

Just wondering if the immigration check can be avoided with no bags or VIP access? Or is it totally mandatory?
We used VIP access in Middle East and no one even asked for our passports at all. We were taken to a lounge and waited there. I don’t know if the airport has options like that for you.
Given the immigration trigger, I would be tempted to keep him on side op, with promises to come back. If you are able to pretend to be insecure, and tell you can’t manage without him with a new baby, and that you are going back to see your parents whilst you are well enough to travel - maybe that is your best option?
Don’t look sad on the day, and don’t pack much beyond a usual break. Tell him you will be back in a week. Give him a list of jobs, and reminders to do this and that, and anything else you would normally do. Keep it breezy with dd you, no last cuddles. No tears. No last looks at the house. You can always return, remind yourself of that.

The escape route may be better saved if you can’t get home any other way. It is fraught with dangers and may scupper any other plan if it goes wrong.
You can lock up his passwords on his phone on the day possibly so he can’t access it? He will think it is broken, but by then the notification will be missed? As he will need to get it professionally takes aIt is a bit basic but could work without raising suspicion.

Op we all feel for you. Plan your move carefully. Please keep us updated.

Springwalk · 13/02/2019 19:10

Professionally unlocked. The idea is basic but it may work.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 13/02/2019 22:52

Good luck op. It's a horrible time for you.

Maelstrop · 13/02/2019 23:10

F.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 13/02/2019 23:31

I’m chilled to the bone with this one. Thinking of you x

UmBankroll · 13/02/2019 23:59

So sorry to hear what you are going through OP.

A few practical points/queries:

When you got married (I presume in court?) did you and your husband each present an affidavit from the British Embassy stating you were both single and legally able to enter into marriage? If so, then your marriage will automatically be legally recognised in the UK as long as you get a notarised English translation of the marriage certificate. I have used my (notarised, translated) UAE marriage certificate as a legal document for official purposes in the UK with no issues.

As other posters have stated, you do not need to present passports in order to cancel the residency visas, nor do you need to cancel the visa before leaving. Keep your passports firmly in your grasp.

Regarding the SMS notification from immigration to your sponsor, as you rightly said, there is no way of avoiding it, and it will be triggered upon leaving from any airport within the country. I think you are right not to run without him knowing; keep him onside and agreeable about the flight you are taking. I always carry a letter of permission from my husband when travelling with my son, but so far I have never been asked to show it despite the fact that my son is a citizen of our country of residence and I am not, so considering you and your daughter are of the same nationality I would say it’s highly unlikely they would ask you for a permission letter.

Best of luck and keep us posted as and when you can.

DayAtTheRaces · 14/02/2019 03:04

Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

TBH I hope that when you have your scan at the hospital (I don’t know far along you are in your pregnancy) that if the gender is revealed, it is a little girl. I don’t really need to elaborate......

Perhaps you could ask the staff (quietly) that you want it to be a lovely surprise when the baby is born so you don’t want to have the gender revealed to you or your spouse “as you don’t think he will be able to keep it secret if he is told and it will ruin the surprise”.....

OnTheHop · 14/02/2019 03:30

Ok, keep him as calm as possible.
Say you want to come back, and talk about future plans in the country. So no need to cancel residency visa.

Is there any nightmare scenario in which he could put a travel ban in your Dd but cancel your residency visa??

Or rather first cancel your residency visa but then put a travel ban on your Dd?

SubisYodrethwhenLarping · 14/02/2019 03:32

Can you dodge his signature?

Could you write/types letter that gives his permission for DD to travel?.

Just in case you are asked for it, even though it wasn't needed before

Or is that very dodgy with police in uae?

SubisYodrethwhenLarping · 14/02/2019 03:33

Forge

OnTheHop · 14/02/2019 03:39

RTFT. How would that help when he gets an immediate alert when she gets through check in at the airport?

Can we avoid madcap dangerous forging strategies? How do you think a woman forging a man’s signature to leave a ciunt

OnTheHop · 14/02/2019 03:40

To leave a country might be viewed?

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