DH says if I go home he will marry someone else

[Changedforthis000]

This sounds like it’s made up, I wish it was! Have namechanged too btw.

My head is all over the place so please bear with me!
I am currently a few weeks pregnant and want to have the baby in the UK. We (me and 5 year old daughter) moved to a country outside of the UK in June and have not settled in well at all. DH has been here on and off for 3 years and we have made do with visits etc. DH doesn’t agree to me leaving and having the baby in the UK, he said if we leave he will marry someone else as he doesn’t want to go back to the UK. I have booked flights to go home soon and he said I’m making the biggest mistake of my life, I don’t care about our children if I take them back to the UK etc.

I don’t know what I’m posting for I just don’t have anyone in real life to talk to as I’m so embarrassed that he he would say he’ll marry someone else (I’ve no doubts he will do this and is not just making empty threats) this country allows polygamy. I will basically be going home to my parents house with nothing and don’t know what I’m going to do

You must 100% go. I would keep your passports somewhere you do not usually keep them. I would go today if at all possible.

I agree that once the baby is born you may not ever be able to take him/her out of the country without his permission and may be stuck for ever.

If he is threatening polygamy that means he has no respect for you as an equal. He would I'm sure happily use mysoginistic laws to keep you trapped if he says that.

Run for the hills.

Divorce him from the UK and then he can take as many wives as the country allows.

@blueshoes yes he will be dropping us off. Yes I'm sure she won't mention anything, I'm going to see what he says when he comes home I think he will say to me if I'm going to go then don't come back because that's what he has said since I told him I wanted to have the baby in the UK. He's basically saying have the baby here or if I go to have it in the UK then stay there and he will remarry. So his way or the highway basically

I too am not 100% clear on the visa. The visa is to allow you to return to the polygamous country, isn't it. If he wants you and dd to come back, why is he cancelling it. Is it another threat to you, as in GO and never come back? Is he renewing the visa instead?

Ok so hes fully aware you aren’t coming back and there’s no point trying to pretend otherwise.

OP this is a really dangerous time for you. Leaving an abusive man is one of the most dangerous times in an abuse victims life, I know he isn’t assaulting you but you are very much at his mercy and ge has already threatened punishment (marrying another woman) if you leav him. Do not underestimate how far he will go to keep you there.

You need to play along as normal as possible until you get on those flights next week. Your passports are the most important possession you have. You have to secure them. And Do not miss the visa appointment tomorrow. This is crucial. You need to be there and you need full control of your passports.

Cross-posted. I see you have answered my question.

In a way, that makes me feel better because then there is a reason for him to cancel the visa (twisted one, but in keeping with his usual threats) other than an elaborate ruse to deprive you and dd of your passports. Hopefully he hasn't yet twigged that he can detain you and dd in polyland by depriving you and dd of your passports.

Keep hold of those passports!

Also stash away some cash and your U.K. debit card. Safe secure place that he won’t look in.

Please also email a copy of your passports to a trusted friend back home. Idk if this will help... or send it to one of us.

I also think it could be a good plan to drive to a different country as suggested upthread and you could check if he will be notified by text if you do this.

Or if it works, fly out once the visas are cancelled. But I think this is a dangerous route. He wants your passports for no good reason.

Your best bet is to convince you it’s all pregnancy hormones, you love him very much, want to be a good Muslim wife and beg him to book you a return flight. This no need to cancel the visas and no need for passports to be handed over. Beg, wail if you must. You’re already crying a lot.

What you need to say is, your going so you can start ante natal care in the UK. You will then go back to the Middle East. You will go back to the UK to have the baby then go back to the ME and you can all go home together back to the UK as a happy family because you know he will change his mind.
Play the game.
Make out that you “will not allow” him to get married again (we know the threat has no teeth)
A pp said make appointments etc. Do that. At the school, at the beauticians, anywhere where he gets notification. Make it public you WILL be coming back.
It will require effort and energy but you must act as though you are coming back. To that end he doesn’t need passports to cancel your visa.
If you are worried then get someone to drive you somewhere (anywhere) over the border to a safe country. I’m sure there are wiser posters than me on here.

I think he will say to me if I'm going to go then don't come back because that's what he has said since I told him I wanted to have the baby in the UK. He's basically saying have the baby here or if I go to have it in the UK then stay there and he will remarry. So his way or the highway basically.

Is it possible to muster up some tears (which is what you have been doing so no surprises for him). Let him believe you are upset at leaving and not being able to come back. That way, he cannot wait to put you on that plane to your exile. It would be a fitting punishment for you.

“He's basically saying have the baby here or if I go to have it in the UK then stay there and he will remarry. So his way or the highway basically”

My point pages back that you didn’t understand...is that having the baby in the U.K. sounds perfectly reasonable

Until you factor in that what you actually mean is leaving him for an unspecified amount of time but at least what? 9 months, a year? Possibly longer.

So I’m not really seeing how it’s that ridiculous to say, actually if you’re going to leave for that long, don’t come back, we’re done if you leave.

By framing it as going to have the baby, you make it sound like you’re just popping over for a couple of weeks and he’s being vile and controlling as someone put it.

But it sounds more like he’s saying if you leave me for an unspecified amount of months or years, I’m not waiting for you.

If he knows for certain that you are not coming back – why the reluctance to move the flight dates forward then?

He's basically saying have the baby here or if I go to have it in the UK then stay there and he will remarry. So his way or the highway basically

So basically he wants to erase all memory of your marriage and your 2 kids together and move on by marrying someone else and starting a new family with them? Wow.

I have a question about the notification of your sponsor(DH) when leaving the country.

Is this something he told you or is it written somewhere?

I searched and couldn't find it anywhere. There was something about if you are out of the country for more than 6 months, banks, etc. might be notified.

No advice op just support.

But I will say, I'm an ex pat and spoke to a gp in the Uk regarding maternity care if I moved back and they said of course it wouldn't be an issue if I had moved back for good.

@pissedonatrain it's 100% a thing and common knowledge here, even last time we left I was on whatsapp to him and as soon as I went through he messaged me saying 'you got through then'

@wireswireswires thanks that makes me feel better

@Snuggz I only changed them a few days ago and have given it a week to let dd have a few last days here

So basically he wants to erase all memory of your marriage and your 2 kids together and move on by marrying someone else and starting a new family with them? Wow.

Sadly, the relationship is over. OP's best hope of getting on the plane is for her dh to believe he will have a better life without her and dd than to forcibly detain OP and/or her dd in the country.

What about ringing home and asking them to say mum/dad has had a suspected heart attack.
To text details of hospital etc so you would be able to show dh.
Ask dh to change your flight for you so you can rush to be with them?

@tabulahrasa initially I told him I wanted to give birth in the Uk, no he said that won't work as we will have to pay for delivery of the baby in the UK and if I want to go back I have to go back now. And he was happy for us to be apart for so long before but when I want to go back for what I think is a valid reason then it's no and threats to marry someone else.

Right up to the last minute, look upset (you must be anyway ) and express a desire for him not to marry again and that you would like to come back and be a family again. Can you talk about it some more, even when you are in the UK. Try to let him think he still has a hold over you and holds the cards even though you are in the UK.

It does not have to be OTT ham acting. Just quiet and slightly resigned.

You need to reframe that few last days for your dd now!

You’re just going to set up antenatal care, will be back in eg 3 weeks - get flights booked. It’s a great idea to book appointments for your return. Perhaps book a surprise like a special dinner to a restaurant that “oops” he finds out about over notifications. Maybe get one of his colleagues that he is close to to recommend a place that is brilliant for example and hope they spill the beans!

Forbidding him to marry someone else is genius even though you have no legal recourse.

The truth about giving birth in the U.K. and not establishing residency now doesn’t matter. Tell him you’ll work it out. Tell him anything you think he may want to hear. you are not going to leave him that long you love him too much. You will be back.

I've just been looking on ex pat forums and not one person has had a problem immediately receiving NHS care when they return. And some of these people have been away 40 years plus and intend to return after a year or two. They seem to want a UK bank statement in some cases.

Christ this thread is terrifying.

Tell him that you've been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days and you've realised that you can't bear to lose him and hate the thought of him taking a second wife. You've been together x years and you don't want to give up on that. You can see that he's set on staying in the ME so you will do that for him.

You still want to have the baby in the UK so you will still go next week, get yourself booked in with the midwife, have the "first" scan, make sure you're on the NHS maternity pathway, then will come back out to him a couple of weeks later and stay with him until closer to the birth.

Don't mention the visa cancellation unless he asks for the passports again - then say, but I don't want it cancelled because I'm coming back in a couple of weeks.