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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH says if I go home he will marry someone else

658 replies

Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 06:35

This sounds like it’s made up, I wish it was! Have namechanged too btw.

My head is all over the place so please bear with me!
I am currently a few weeks pregnant and want to have the baby in the UK. We (me and 5 year old daughter) moved to a country outside of the UK in June and have not settled in well at all. DH has been here on and off for 3 years and we have made do with visits etc. DH doesn’t agree to me leaving and having the baby in the UK, he said if we leave he will marry someone else as he doesn’t want to go back to the UK. I have booked flights to go home soon and he said I’m making the biggest mistake of my life, I don’t care about our children if I take them back to the UK etc.

I don’t know what I’m posting for I just don’t have anyone in real life to talk to as I’m so embarrassed that he he would say he’ll marry someone else (I’ve no doubts he will do this and is not just making empty threats) this country allows polygamy. I will basically be going home to my parents house with nothing and don’t know what I’m going to do Sad

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 13/02/2019 10:57

I will take photos of passports and email them to myself,

Print them out if you can and hide them somewhere, separate from where you hide the passports.

Hanab · 13/02/2019 10:58

Maybe possibly disable notifications on his phone before you leave if you acceas to it?

Original poster
Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 10:58

Thanks Toni I am really worried about this that's why I want to be in the Uk before my first scan is due. I am registered to a doctors still so hopefully that will help as I have no chance of being able to afford to pay for treatment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 11:01

Hanab it's a text message so would come through anyway, also I think he gets an email too. Anyway his phone is password protected and I don't have access

OP posts:
blueshoes · 13/02/2019 11:04

OP, since you have not been gone from the UK for long and already registered with a UK GP, I would have thought you are fine to get antenatal care and deliver in a UK hospital. Will you live in the same area as before you left, hopefully near your mum and support?

I am not aware of the new rules which Toni mentions but all I can say if from my experience, my GP and the hospital has not asked for any proof of residency for me or my dcs.

Perhaps recently pregnant UK mnetters can verify this is true for pregnancy/maternity services.

girlwithadragontattoo · 13/02/2019 11:05

RUN!!!!

AlexaAmbidextra · 13/02/2019 11:09

I have spent ten years in the ME. I know exactly what it is like. I travel there extensively still. Op is in an incredibly vulnerable position. She is not the first, and definitely won’t be the last. She needs to leave.

Springwalk. I absolutely agree and really hope she and her daughter get home safely. I just think that you can’t be her rescuer.

blueshoes · 13/02/2019 11:10

I will take photos of passports and email them to myself,

Print them out if you can and hide them somewhere, separate from where you hide the passports.

Yes, yes. Don't just keep them on your phone as it is gone if he takes it away.

Physical copies are good. But if that is not possible, can you store them on a cloud somewhere (sorry, I am not too techy but maybe whatsapp or dropbox or icloud backup for photos). Alternatively, email them to a friend and if you don't want to give the background, just says oops. You would be able to recover it from her deleted items.

Have you kept your UK mobile number/SIM?

trancepants · 13/02/2019 11:13

Jeez OP. I honestly think you need to just go now. Do not wait until next week. Just leave today. There is a strong possibility that if you wait you could be stuck indefinitely. Think about your grief over the loss of your marriage later and put all your mental energy into getting out of the country you are in asap.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 13/02/2019 11:25

Another thing to consider OP is if you have any staff in your home, Maintain your normal routine and behaviours as much as possible. Don’t hide anything where a cleaner/cook/nanny might find them. Put a password on your own phone too. Not one your DH might guess. No dates of birth.

Bowlofbabelfish · 13/02/2019 11:27

Is there any way you could get your parents to call you and say one of them is very ill? That would give you cover to change the flights to sooner. Then reassure him you’ll be back and play nice until you’re on that plane

findingmyfeet12 · 13/02/2019 11:29

Would her dh suspect something though if one of her parents suddenly became ill and she conveniently had to go home?

blueshoes · 13/02/2019 11:31

I am nodding along to ILoveMaxBondi.

Cleaners see everything in the stuff you leave around and hide. They also know who pays their wages.

To throw your dh off the scent, your could start making plans for when you are back. Not in an obvious way so that he gets suspicious, but perhaps put it in the home calendar that you have a nail appointment or ask whether he can make it to a parent teacher appt at your dd's school when you are back. That sort of routine thing.

Timelass · 13/02/2019 11:33

Can you arrange new flight without cancelling original until out of the country?
Buy cheap mobile phone.
Somehow make sure you have some luggage even if you buy just before flying (you may not want to be seen with luggage when leaving your home or be caught with empty wardrobes).
Flying without luggage will be flagged up at airport

blueshoes · 13/02/2019 11:34

Would her dh suspect something though if one of her parents suddenly became ill and she conveniently had to go home?

That is the standard line an aupair will drop when they need an excuse to go home without explaining and not come back.

Original poster
Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 11:37

@ILoveMaxiBondi no staff so nothing to worry about there and I will change my phone password as he knows it I think.

@Bowlofbabelfish I don't think he would buy that and he would say well you have a flight next week so go then

Trying to keep things kind of normal. Have made dinner like I do everyday, dd has a school trip tomorrow. I know when he gets home he will just sit watching videos on his phone whilst I watch a movie/make slime or colour with dd. I am going to have to wait until next week for the flight that is booked as if I try to go before then and he finds out then it could be a lot worse

OP posts:
Original poster
Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 11:38

Only just found out how to tag sorry Blush

OP posts:
ChuckleBuckles · 13/02/2019 11:41

I say go today if at all possible, if you wait another week you are giving Him another week to put his plans in place. You have already caught him on dating sites, he has told you he intends to marry another woman, you can not trust this man and you do not know him as well as you think. You need to think strategically here OP, I wish you well.

Snuggz · 13/02/2019 11:41

Changedforthis000 – the flights that you have booked for next week – are they return flights? So he definitely thinks you are coming back?

How is he with your daughter? Does he dote on her etc.? Or does he not care that it’s likely he will never see his daughter and unborn child again (assuming he doesn’t come back to the UK to visit)?

Will he be dropping you both to the airport? Does your daughter know you are going back permanently or does she think you are just visiting? The last thing you want is for your daughter to let slip to him your plans.

blueshoes · 13/02/2019 11:44

Trying to keep things kind of normal. Have made dinner like I do everyday, dd has a school trip tomorrow. I know when he gets home he will just sit watching videos on his phone whilst I watch a movie/make slime or colour with dd.

All good. Well done.

Original poster
Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 11:49

@Snuggz flights are the return from when we last came here, we always book a return from the UK it seems to work out cheaper so these flights have been booked for a while I just changed the date.
I know he loves our daughter although they aren't very close, she is very much a mummy's girl. Maybe it's because he's worked away a lot of her life. He seems very upset at the thought of us going and not coming back.
Daughter knows we are going back for good and is happy about it, she is older than I stated in the OP as was wanting to change a few details to stay anonymous but she is Primary age. She won't mention anything but I think DH knows really we won't come back even if I tell him otherwise

OP posts:
insecure123 · 13/02/2019 11:50

This whole thread is making me shudder. I have no expeerienc ebut have read almost every autobiographical novel on this subject there is. OP please stay safe and let us know how you are going! I really hope you get yourself and DD home safely

blueshoes · 13/02/2019 11:54

Daughter knows we are going back for good and is happy about it, she is older than I stated in the OP as was wanting to change a few details to stay anonymous but she is Primary age. She won't mention anything but I think DH knows really we won't come back even if I tell him otherwise

This is quite serious to read. Is your dd sensible enough to not mention anything about going back for good over the next few days?

If your dh knows you are not coming back, then no point trying to persuade him directly or indirectly otherwise as it would be fishy.

Is he dropping you off at the airport. Is he still going ahead with the visa thing?

Bowlofbabelfish · 13/02/2019 11:55

I don't think he would buy that and he would say well you have a flight next week so go then

You know him best :)

Best of luck to you. Don’t let those passports out of your sight. Keep them in your clothes if you must.

Snuggz · 13/02/2019 12:00

@Changedforthis000

She won't mention anything but I think DH knows really we won't come back even if I tell him otherwise

This is confusing. If he’s booked you return flights and assumes you will both be coming back – why is he cancelling your visa tomorrow then?

Is the visa cancelling appointment tomorrow and will you be going with him to attend?

You sound like you are in a very dangerous situation OP. I would not be letting those passports out of my sight.

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