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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH says if I go home he will marry someone else

658 replies

Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 06:35

This sounds like it’s made up, I wish it was! Have namechanged too btw.

My head is all over the place so please bear with me!
I am currently a few weeks pregnant and want to have the baby in the UK. We (me and 5 year old daughter) moved to a country outside of the UK in June and have not settled in well at all. DH has been here on and off for 3 years and we have made do with visits etc. DH doesn’t agree to me leaving and having the baby in the UK, he said if we leave he will marry someone else as he doesn’t want to go back to the UK. I have booked flights to go home soon and he said I’m making the biggest mistake of my life, I don’t care about our children if I take them back to the UK etc.

I don’t know what I’m posting for I just don’t have anyone in real life to talk to as I’m so embarrassed that he he would say he’ll marry someone else (I’ve no doubts he will do this and is not just making empty threats) this country allows polygamy. I will basically be going home to my parents house with nothing and don’t know what I’m going to do Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 10:27

I'm off to pick up dd now I will reply later. Thanks for all the support

OP posts:
avocadoincident · 13/02/2019 10:28

Be calm and brave and when you aren't sure what to do or which way to turn, ask yourself what will be safest for me and my daughter. What will allow me and my daughter to be together in the uk. These are your priorities.
You are being brave and doing the right thing by coming home. It doesn't have to be forever, but it does have to be ASAP and for at least the short term whilst you give birth.

Good luck, stay focused and don't be distracted from your goal of returning home with your daughter. You can do this!

IDoN0tCare · 13/02/2019 10:29

^^

LittlePaintBox · 13/02/2019 10:29

OP, you keep saying you're sure your husband won't do things because it would upset your daughter, but if he's already looking on marriage sites and has threatened you that he's going to replace you, he doesn't seem too worried about your daughter's feelings to me.

However you achieve it, you need to get out - with your daughter - as soon as possible, before he's cancelled anything you need to be able to go home. As the saying goes, when someone tells you who they are - believe them!

rosinavera · 13/02/2019 10:30

I have no advice OP but I just wanted to wish you all the best and please keep posting - we are all rooting for you!! xxx

DoctorDread · 13/02/2019 10:30

Wishing you luck op

blueshoes · 13/02/2019 10:32

I could get a flight but as soon as I pass immigration he gets notified by text message as our visa is sponsored by him. Then nothing stopping him from coming to the airport and slapping a ban on our daughter (he cannot ban me)

This changes things. You are right not to sneak off with your dd.

If you get the visa cancelled beforehand, will your dh still be notified by text? If you cancel the visa without telling him, will he also be notified by text?

It sounds so uncertain to do things behind his back in this draconian environment. You should not try to spring surprises on him as you then only have one shot to make it out or he will slam down the gates. If you are going to do a runner, it needs to be better planned and you have not yet done enough planning.

You are right to play along on the basis that he follows through with the flights he booked. You have the e-tickets and notifications. Even if you don't make it out with dd this time, work on keeping things even and calm with him until the next opportunity.

I wish you, your dd and unborn child a safe journey. Keep strong.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 13/02/2019 10:35

If you can’t convince him not to cancel the visa then you must go with him to the appointment and the passports stay in your hands. if you have to show them to and official then do so but try and keep them in your hands. You may need to hand them over altogether but make sure when they are being returned that your hand is the one sitting out ready to take them and you put them in your coat pocket of handbag and make sure you don’t take your handbag off your shoulder. Don’t give your husband a chance to get access to them. When you get home you hide them somewhere he would never think to look. Not under a mattress or a bedside cupboard. Perhaps inside a DVD case that he wouldn’t even notice on a shelf.

chunn65 · 13/02/2019 10:38

I agree with most posters hide the passports from him, an old book, jar in the kitchen. He may go through your handbag or demand you hand it over on you. Snipples is giving you good advise. You will be better off coming home, but hes tricking you about the visa cancellation. Take your daughter with a few essentials and a small bag to get you on your journey, but get out of there asap. Good luck

blueshoes · 13/02/2019 10:39

I will tell her everything as soon as I get back as I know she will call my husband and that will make him more suspicious

You have thought this through. This is very sensible.

You and your dc will get out there. Their mum is steely. Get your support from us for now. We want you to be safe and back in the UK.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 13/02/2019 10:42

Find out if he cancels the visa whether he still gets notification of you going through immigration. If he doesn’t then thats your chance to get out sooner. You can book flights to go as soon as the visa is cancelled but do not book them before the visa cancelled as it may show up on their records.

findingmyfeet12 · 13/02/2019 10:42

Op I'll get flamed for this but this man doesn't love you.

He will marry again whether or not you stay.

If you were my daughter I'd tell you to come home NOW with just the clothes on your back. You'd be welcomed with open arms and I'd get you back on your feet again. I'd do it if you were my sister too.

Get to an airport with cash and just get on the next flight.

blueshoes · 13/02/2019 10:43

ILoveMaxBondi has good advise on the visa appointment. If he asks for them on the spot, just casually say I'd better hang on to them since the trip is coming up.

Can you take a picture or make a photocopy of your and dd's passports before the appointment, just in case?

Not sure if that helps but I'd feel just that bit safer.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 13/02/2019 10:45

@findingmyfeet12 she can’t just get a flight as he will get a notification when she goes through immigration and he can put a travel ban on their daughter.

findingmyfeet12 · 13/02/2019 10:45

Just seen the post about the visa notification issue. That complicates things.

Fingers crossed that you can get out op.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 13/02/2019 10:46

Good idea to get copies of passports if possible.

Eliza9917 · 13/02/2019 10:48

I could get a flight but as soon as I pass immigration he gets notified by text message as our visa is sponsored by him. Then nothing stopping him from coming to the airport and slapping a ban on our daughter (he cannot ban me)

How far away from the airport would he be? Could you book new flights and just go through immigration etc at the last minute so be on your flight before he can get there?

Or give a wrong number for him as your sponsor, is that possible? I don't know if its all computerised.

I've not been aggressive with him I can't even speak to him without crying. I just can't believe that he could say that. And it isn't just the once he said it I keep saying to him please reconsider and come back or let's see how it goes when we go back and he isn't budging so I have no other choice than to go and not come back

Forget this. Pretend you don't care about this bit/have accepted it/whatever. Just tell him you will be coming back, stop begging him t come back with you. getting out of there and back to the UK is the most important life or death issue at the moment.

Failing all that, won't the British embassy get you home?

blueshoes · 13/02/2019 10:49

Failing all that, won't the British embassy get you home?

No. British embassy has to abide by local laws. Doubt Jeremy Hunt will help either.

findingmyfeet12 · 13/02/2019 10:49

If the op changes her attitude too much he'll suspect that she has no intention of returning.

Eliza9917 · 13/02/2019 10:49

Is it possible to take a day trip to an adjoining country and get a flight from there?

I've no idea whether that is possible/be allowed out there or its close enough to do so.

blueshoes · 13/02/2019 10:53

Is it possible to take a day trip to an adjoining country and get a flight from there?

Yes, this is something to explore as Plan B if Plan A fails.

Best to keep it simple for now, not shake the grass and let Plan A play out with OP keeping hold of her and dd's passports until the agreed flights.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 13/02/2019 10:54

If the op changes her attitude too much he'll suspect that she has no intention of returning.

Yes she needs to be really careful.

Original poster
Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 10:55

Eliza it is all computerised so cant change the number.

I will take photos of passports and email them to myself, not sure this will help if anything happens though.

OP posts:
Mia184 · 13/02/2019 10:55

OP, please hide the passports even if you tell him that you will return.

ToniHargis · 13/02/2019 10:56

Few things -
Make sure you are entitled to have medical care in the UK. If you're not legally resident here, there are new rules (even for expat Brits) that mean you can only have free emergency treatment here. Otherwise you pay 150%. You will have to establish legal residency here (on the NHS) before you can sign on with anyone. (I've just had to do it and a British passport wasn't sufficient.)
Also, if you don't tell him you're coming here for good, that could be classed as kidnapping if he kicks up a stink once he realises you're not going back.
The fact that he's threatened to marry someone else isn't the same as giving you permission to leave permanently with the children, nor does it mean he's abandoning you if polygamy is allowed in the country.
Just some practical things to think about.

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